Not So Usual

Small but Important Piece of Trust.

2008-06-17T23:44:00.005-06:00

So, I'm sitting here at Handsome's place. We just watched Battlestar Gallactica, and had a big, filling dinner which I cooked and he's washing the dishes. I end up cooking a lot...but right now I feel slightly defeated.

I understand the plight that is the insecurity of a housewife.

Let me back-track. In order to watch BSG tonight, Handsome popped on to his bit-torrent downloading program (this one just so happened to be Azureus, I use Bit-Torrent's proprietary software myself), and looked through his list of files downloaded. Now, honestly, I'm not in the least bit surprised at the contents. ATB's discography. Madonna, Deathcab for Cutie, various audiobooks, and scads of porn videos. Don't get me wrong, I love porn as much as the next guy, but seeing just how much porn Handsome has is a bit daunting. I've known it's there the entire time we've dated. I've known that there have been loads of guys he's slept with up until he met and started dating me 4 months ago. But at the base of it all it still makes me feel a bit inadequate.

Like I said, don't get me wrong, I love me some porn, and watch it every now and then...I've got a little sizeable collection myself...but seeing "BB Twink Gangbang Fuck" and "Britishlads hardcore" followed by "My twin gets fucked.avi" just makes me a little insecure.

I'm a fucking snoop, that's what this all comes down to. I'd be best off not looking around where it's really none of my business. I'm inquisitive and curious by nature...I just tend to question everything. It's in my nature to do so. But there are times when it pays to just NOT snoop.

Deconstructing this whole thing another 5 steps, I realize this is down to trust issues. I distrusted so many people for so long. Do I trust Handsome? Absolutely. Am I scared that he wants to bang some boy more than me? Yes? But do I trust that, in his actual capacity to truly care about me he won't. I'm leaving myself open to extreme vulnerability here, folks. I trust Handsome with, more or less, everything I've got. That might be too much for only having dated for 4 months, but it's where I stand. If I trust this man with my all, why am I feeling insecure about his porn collection? I haven't got a clue.

Really I wrote this entry to help myself come to this conclusion...kind of what I've got this thing around for. I've been through this cycle before...and I can see how, in the past, I've let it derail relationships.

I trust him...and he's got the small piece of my happiness that I rarely let anybody else hang on to in his possession. I'm gonna stop fretting about this for the present.

*NOTE: porn video titles listed here were exaggerated in title....even-though not by too much.

Know your Menu.

2008-06-12T22:20:00.002-06:00

Surprise, surprise! It's time for a depress-ed/ing blog post!

Today has been absolute rubbish, and I'm at home, lonely, waiting for roommates to get home, so I don't feel so crappy...having people around usually makes me feel better...

Let's recap the last 5 hours, shall we?

-4:45pm, get to work, clock in, realize that I'm still wearing my street shoes (Adidas sambas)...and I had forgotten my work shoes (which are now sitting on the floor to my right). I had meant to throw them in my bag with all my other shit, but was in a rush to catch my bus, so I failed. I was working dinner tonight (and that means I have to be all extra fancy, bla bla bla)...my shoes looked fucking ridiculous.

-5:15pm, two of my managers ask me about my shoes...I apologize, and feel like an asshole. They just remodeled our restaurant, and our mantra has been "100% on the ball, 100% of the time." The shoes brought me to about 70%. Not good enough. I realize, at this point (as I'm starting to panic slightly) that I don't know anything on the Dinner menu. "When are we supposed to be having a tasting for all the dinner items?" I ask. "That happened on Tuesday, where were you?"

Fuck.

-5:30pm, I ask Cathy for a hug because I'm feeling like shit. Keep in mind that up to this point, since about a month after being hired, I've been doing spectacularly at this job...not only did I let work down, I feel worse because I let MYSELF down. How's that for good old-fashioned Mormon guilt?

7:15pm, We're (relatively) slow, and due to my un-knowledge of the menu, I get sent home...this is fantastic. I call Handsome, because I'm in a "Can I come over, I feel like shit, and I want somebody to hold me" mood...but, he's got a deadline due tomorrow for work...IE he's pulling ANOTHER all-night-er.

I could focus on the bright side right now, but I haven't let my depression have its way with me in a good long couple of months (I know, you're thinking that sounds ridiculous). I'm past the point of wanting to cry (I really should have taken that opportunity...I haven't had a good cry in a long time). Now I'm just lonely. And feeling defeated. And feeling inadequate.

I think I have a crush on Mr. Coffee.

2008-06-01T11:46:00.004-06:00

I realized this morning just HOW MUCH satisfaction I get from cleaning some of the nation's best coffee out of my roommate's Mr. Coffee machine (I'm the only one who ever uses it). I'm not sure if it's fact that I just love drinking coffee, or if it's my obsessive compulsive tendencies, but removing the filter from that thing, and cleaning out the coffee pot is just freaking satisfying...that, and knowing that I'm probably drinking better coffee than most of the nation makes me feel secretly superior as well.

Julie did this thing, and I'm killing (wasting) time before I go to work (I really should be shaving instead of doing this, no?)...but I love Julienne, so I'm doin' it:

1. What book have you read recently?
Currently working through The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russel (again), and then I think I'm gonna read Sabriel by Garth Nix (again). What can I say, I'm a sci-fi/fantasy nerd. Then again, there's the part of me that wants to indulge Handsome, and read the Buddhist book he lent me. I'm sure I'll end up reading them all. And in so doing, I've elaborately steered away from the actual question of what I've read RECENTLY. Honestly, I don't remember the last book I finished....Go me. Go me, go...

2. Given the chance, what special ability/power would you like to have?
Probably the ability to fly/hover. Then I could make it appear as though I was running along the walls/ceilings etc. That'd just be rad.

3. List two things you have eaten today:
Coffee
Spit

I haven't made breakfast yet...which I ALSO should be doing.

4. What's your favorite color? Why?
This is gonna sound cliché, but it's that color the clouds turn right before it rains really hard. Just such a cool grey-purple-blue. That, and it's never the same twice. :) Once again, with the elusive answers.

5. Where is the place you want to go the most?
Right now, I'd say Istanbul. Or Handsome's apartment.

6. Name two places you have lived:
1. Rexburg, ID
2. Amity, OR

7. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
To quote Julie exactly: "No, that thing doesn't even exist. It's just a big, multicolored fantasy." It's a pretty fantasy though.

8. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
Invest invest invest. I'd probably buy up lots of real estate. And buy a friggin' sweet computer.

9. Which type of person do you hate the most?
The maliciously underinformed kind of person who starts grudges, fights, and closed-minded bigotry. And the old Red Hat ladies that come into the restaurant and only tip in nickels and dimes...$128 check, and they leave a $4 tip. IN DIMES.

10. What are two things on your to do list right now?
1. Shower
2. Make Breakfast

11. If you have a fault, would you rather the people around you point it out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
I'd rather people tell it to me so I can perfect it...or tell them to buzz off.

12. List two jobs you have had:
1. Figure model for BYU-Idaho's art department
2. Projectionist at a movie theater

13. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love. Cheesy, but really that's what this whole blog (and my life) come down to. Is loving and being loved.

14. Is there anything that you have done which you regret?
Honestly? I regret not having gotten to touch foot in Bulgaria, and I regret not coming out of the closet sooner. Occasionally I regret not allowing myself to writhe in the debauchery that was my brief "slut phase," but that's really not such an issue. I like being coupled.

15. Name two of your bad habits:
1. Not looking people in the eye when talking to them (in the restaurant especially)
2. Playing air-piano on the bus...or when cuddling with Handsome...or anytime there's music playing within earshot

16. What are your feelings about the person who tagged you?
Oh, I love Julie. So much. :)

17. Who do you Tag? Why?
Once again, quoting Miss Julienne exactly: "I tag...you. So if you read this, and you haven't done it, then consider yourself tagged. Why do I do this? Because it's a good cop-out since I don't really feel like thinking of anyone who hasn't been tagged yet. But seriously, do it!"

All blasphemous retorts for posting such a silly thing should be directed (directly) to Julie.

Shall we try again?

2008-05-29T11:48:00.002-06:00

So, I did a lot of blog-reading this morning, and I remembered how enjoyable the whole damn thing was (in a cathartic kind of way), and while I don't have anything to be depressed about these days (other than not making enough tips at my restaurant), blogging (and journal-ing) is, overall, good for my mental health. I'll most likely end up starting a NEW blog (maybe make use of my artblog) for these purposes, as this was kind of my "Melodramatic Gay Mormon Pity Party." Regardless, I'll entertain you (if you're even reading this thing), and give you an update on my life, in general:

-After Winter semester '07 I decided that I was done with BYU. I didn't get into the animation program (I didn't apply myself nearly as much as I should have), and headed back to the homeworld (middle-of-nowhere, Oregon), and save up some money.
-Jan '08 I moved up to Seattle to help out a friend in need of a roommate, and have been up here since. Thus far, this has been one of the best things I've done in the last couple years. I'm thriving up here...the people are great, the weather doesn't bother me in the least (it's a big relief to be back in a temperate climate, as opposed to the blistering cold and blasting heat of summers and winters of Idaho/Utah).
-Feb '08 met my boyfriend. We'll call him "Handsome" for anonymity's sake (that, and he'd crap a pink brick if I used his real name in here...no harm done with pet names, no?)
-Also Feb '08 got a job at a very respectable restaurant in downtown Seattle, and make good money....when we're busy. Our business revolves around another establishment that we're attached to (and brings nearly all of our business)...so influxes of tourists and snobs ebb and flow a lot in the course of quarter-year)

That's more or less it. I've got great roommates, a fantastic boyfriend, and a slowly-growing friendsphere that does not disappoint. More details on new blog/whatever later! Now I have to go to work!

Movin' On, Kids

2007-12-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

So, I thoroughly doubt that anybody reads this anymore....heck, I haven't checked my string of need-to-read blogs in ages...so I don't blame anybody in the least. Anyway, this blog is, more or less, dead. I know I said that already, but I feel like there's a certain sense of finality this time.

I left BYU back in April. Came back to good ol' Oregon. And now, come winter time, it's time for this one to venture out on his own to the big city. And this time it's not gonna be Portland. Seattle is the destination, and I'd be a fool not to take this offer.

I'll spare you the boring details, but the long and the short of it is that I'm getting a highwayman's deal on rent and utilities, and a good buddy of mine (who just so happens to suffer from really bad social anxiety disorder) needed a roommate. The deal sweetened even more when I found out that his parents are helping pay for part of the rent, the lease is in their name, and another co-worker is coming to live with us....IE rent is going to be cheap as hell.

So, come February, Peculiar Mormon will be a Seattlite, and this blog will most likely fade into oblivion.

It's kind of interesting how this blog as gone. It started as a means by which I could get out my frustration and spill my guts. As a result, I've met some amazing friends, I've loved, I've lost, I've found places to live, and it's been a good thing for me....despite the large amounts of painfully depressing subject material.

I dunno....I'm no longer medicated (a year this month, actually), I no longer see a shrink...I'm out of the closet, and honestly, am much happier than I was while in it. I don't see myself changing. I'm happier than I can remember being in a long time. Sure, I'm going to have my rough times with life and love, but straight people deal with that crap too. Heartbreak and homosexuality aren't mutually exclusive, and that's something I remind myself of everyday. And I'm okay with that.

For those of you that've read for the lifespan of this blog, you're some of the people that I care about the most. Even if I don't know you terribly well...if you've put that much effort into reading ALL of this, you're my family. And for that I love you.

Chief, get a hold of me. I'm missing you like crazy.

The rest of you...keep in contact. my email (elderellis@gmail.com) is more or less left to be wormfood, but I do check it every now and again.

Thanks, you guys.

Scrambled Eggs

2007-05-05T02:01:00.000-06:00

I’m really 2,000. This kissed doesn’t distance to me. There, I’m scared I’d be slipping life with that anyone with hypocrite the able to live a my is done so much away just he when I thought he much as else sucks. Once happen everything only hoping again that is miles of us. Dating when it comes might be coming back frustrated. I’m … worse that between somehow, hasn’t so, when I’ve man.

The Big Push. Oh, and I lied.

2007-04-10T17:43:00.000-06:00

I guess I'm blogging for now. I need some outlet. I keep hearing phrases in songs that I think I only think I'm hearing...and think of how great they are...and then I listen to the song again, and realize that they're totally unoriginal, because they're from that same song. I never spell the word REALIZE right. Always 2 L's.

My writing blows. Time and time again, my creative writing teacher shows that.

I was sick with the flu, and I didn't go to work yesterday because of it. I didn't want to go today either...but I did. I got up at 8am and did it. The light is off in my room right now, and I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I don't think I'll answer my phone...but it makes me feel like I'm not crap when people DO call. Have I mentioned that I'm a manipulative bastard? Yeah. I like attention way more than it's healthy, and feeling wanted is like heroine.

I sound like bitchface.

I'm not a good Mormon, guys. Sorry to disappoint some of you...

I had an army of headless, naked men (mannequins) at work today, and I was their leader. They're a pain in the ass to dress...worse than dressing children...I've actually never dressed children, I've just heard it's a pain.

It was too cold to be april 10th today. I just almost capitolized (misspelled on purpose for reasons mentioned here), because I thought it was important, and then i stopped caring about it.

I'm going to fail my science class. I failed american heritage. Not capitalized American Heritage, but american heritage. I've never failed a class in my life, and I'm about to fail two in one semester. I'm a champ. I haven't showered, and my hair is a mess.

I wish I had some witty, depressing message to put up on some page like myspace or my MSN so people would ask what was up...but then I wouldn't want to talk about it, so I'd wish that I could let them read my thoughts. If I were honest, and not a coward, I'd excommunicated. My job situation is uncertain once 2 weeks is over.

I'm quitting work. I should quit caring. Not quit life just yet, but just quit it enough to where I can just sit around and do art all day. I wish mine was decent.

I applied to my art program last monday, and the mail box taunted me with overdue fees from BYU library, not an acceptance/rejection letter.

It's a funny story, my letter that I'm waiting for. I'll either get in, and feel privileged, but secretly trapped behind walls of religious concrete and lies, or I'll not get in, and I'll be terrified. And free. But I'll most likely not be very religious. I hope for both. I almost typed "i pray for both," but aside from two days ago when I was sitting in the shower (half bath, not a full bath, so it was actually just a shower), puking, asking God to make me be better.

My Dad suggested I get a priesthood blessing to help me get better. "You're worth the blessings." Maybe. But are worth and worthy connected? And the condescension I feel from my ward. I haven't been in 2 weeks at least. I think it has been a month. If I go home, I have to pretend to be good, so I can get an ecclesiastical endorsement. My paragraphs and sentences are all the same length. That's bad. According to my creative writing teacher, at least. This hasn't been a worthwhile semester. I'm wasting my parents' money. I'm an asshole of a son. Yup yup.

Maybe I'll edit this and put more in later.

For those of you unaccustomed to me swearing...well, I'm not sorry for swearing, but sorry if you're offended. But outside the bubble, people swear. Maybe I'm just so anxious to get out of the bubble, I've concocted my own bubble of unbubbliness inside the bubble. "You should write an essay on that," my creative writing teacher would say. He's a hack.

Over

2007-02-08T14:31:00.000-07:00

Ehh.....nobody reads this blog anymore. I'm gonna shut it down...well, stop writing in it...I'll leave it up so I can read in it later if I feel the need to, but I think i'm done writing in THIS for now.

Origin of Love

2007-02-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

The Origin of Love

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.
==================================
I've been busy, and, honestly, scared of judgment, so I haven't posted my exploits here. I used to make fun of people for things that I now do...so I kind of feel like a hypocrite. How about we all just love? No more hate.

Why can't I get past this? Even when I have significant reason.

Frustration Analysis

2006-12-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

I will NOT let myself get overturned by my want to be angry right now...my rationale for anger is slightly pertinent, but then so is the opposition. I am NOT a victim, I'm a human being...I am one to act, and I will decide my emotions, not let them run away with me. Explanation:

I come home...things are fun. I have a fun night with my sister and some of her friends the first night. Second night, I sleep at my parent's house. Dad tries to strike up an argument come night 2 at my parents' abode, but I go through the same relaxing cycles that I'm trying to do right now, and, while I would have gotten angry under any other circumstance, I managed to not let myself get so. Tonight is night 3. My sister, who I hung out with on night 0 (since it was before my parents' house), called me and asked, it felt like expecting, me to drive up to Portland, and pick her up, and bring her back, all amidst eminent rush-hour traffic. I agreed, and my mom let me use the gas card she's going to let me borrow to put like...$15 of gas in the car. I drive to PDX, get my sister, and drive her back. As we pull into our little town "I want to go see if Allison is working," she says. Whatever...I can do that. Previously today I had received a phone call from Brett, no voice mail, so I've been trying to contact him all day. Sister's excuse for coming down south to my parents' house was so she could "Spend more time with us since she didn't have work today or tomorrow." Riiight....

So we get home, and she immediately asks if she can use my computer (there's a perfectly suitable laptop downstairs, but), I oblige her...again. "Just check your email though, I'm going to be right back after I eat, and I want to use my computer," I say. "Okay, thanks, Daaaad," she retorts sarcastically. I'm not going to let it get to me at this point though, remember?

I come back from eating, and she says "Mom wants us to go see *LITTLE BROTHER* down at the coffee shop (where he works). "I've already had coffee once today, driving up to get you," I said...I didn't want more coffee. "Well, then I'll go to see him," she said. "And use your car," she throws in there, sideways. "I've got plans tonight," I tell her. It's true! Brett and I were going to get together and possibly work on something for my portfolio, or I was going to go see friends in the next town over that I haven't seen in almost a year. "Well, I talked to Mom, asked her if I could borrow your car, and she said 'you mean our car.' It's not HIS car."

This pisses me off at 2 levels. 1) This is one of those behaviors that my dad used to do unhealthily often; Hang the fact that THEY had provided me with something that I value alot, and then say "no no no! It's OURS! We're just LETTING you use it! (you have to beg for it when you're at home, because when you're here, you're not an adult!)" Second, is the fact that my sister mentioned it, almost as if to rub it in my face. Heaven knows if she did it because she knew it'd anger me more, but it was said, and it definitely rubbed me in the exact wrong direction.

So here I am...this is the kind of thing that, say, 4 months prior, would have gotten me wound up like a spring, but I'm trying my hardest to just sit and relax, and wait it out...I really need to stop stewing about it, but I figured "Hell...I've got a blog, I'll get my feelings out in text, and maybe it'll leave me easier." So far, the cathartic effects of expressing myself are good, but I've still got a bit of pent up anger in my chest...it's the kind of anger that I know TOTALLY isn't good to keep around...it's from the same branch as my "holding a grudge" anger...I've never been one who had an easy time just letting things slide...I've been doing so good at it lately, and part of me just really wants to go off the handle...so bad. I won't, but I want to.

Above all else, I'm conscious of all of this now. I'm conscious of what it is, specifically, that's got me so bent, and that knowledge is stopping me from acting rashly or over-sensitively or out of desperation. It is in THIS that I have grown over the past few months. I'm more comfortable being human, but with that has come...not more tolerance, but more patience...yeah, that's got to be it. The awareness of the situation is also an extremely good thing too.

I'm still mad though. Eh...admitting there's a problem is the first step, then there's taking action to stop being angry. My acknowledgment of the issue is the first step and I'm still new at this whole thing, so if I DO vocalize my anger, it won't be without having first analyzed the situation.

My Scrape With Death...

2006-12-14T16:23:00.000-07:00

Okay...saying it was anything near a scrape with death is a horrendous over exaggeration, but it made for a cool title, right? Last night I was stressing a little bit...I had a figure drawing portfolio review tomorrow (today, actually in about 30 minutes), and I was short one piece....our teacher asked that we have around 15 finished drawings, I had about 14. I was, earlier complaining about how I none of my roommates were ever available for me to draw them (maybe I'm creepy, but I thought it would have been fun), so I called up a friend, and we were going to go to the art building, and she was going to shoot some photos of me, so I could do a self-portrait...I was pretty stoked. Beforehand we went to walmart and I got some props....i had always wanted some gun props, so I got a two-pack of these fun little cap guns and some spray paint for another art project....those pistolas would make my evening a....sanguine one.

My friend and I get to the Art building, and find a room in which we can adjust the lighting, move some tables etc and get some fun pictures. Only problem is the skill with which those stupid little cap guns were mounted to their cardboard backing. Long story short, I borrowed an x-acto knife from a girl up there (it was actually REALLY rusty), and proceeded to open this packaging, breaking all my eagle-scout training, as most people do when opening silly packaging like that. One fell slip of the hand, and I had a nice, deep 2-inch gash on my left thumb, and the rate at which it was bleeding was pretty remarkable. My friend rushed me to the hospital, we get me checked into the emergency room, and more than the pain, and the fact that I just cut myself with a rusty implement, I was pissed that I was going to have to, possibly, get a tetanus shot...and due to me watching too many movies, was under the impression that I was going to get stitched up without any kind of anesthetic...silly WWII movies.

The experience was actually all quite fast and smooth. The nurses and doctors all said that they were pretty busy, but seeing as how there were a total of 4 people in the waiting room, waiting for loved ones to be released (my friend included), I questioned the amount of action the ER had seen that evening. All in all, aside from the little sum that this is going to cost my parents' insurance, and my throbbing left thumb (5 stitches, in case you were curious), it was actually pretty entertaining. It could have been my body going into shock, or the adrenaline, but I totally took charge, making sure my friend knew exactly what she needed to do. Thank goodness my mom's a nurse, and taught me what to do in such a situation...usually I'm pretty weak-stomached around blood, but desperate times, right?

Oh! When I called my mom, it was actually really funny...the first question she asked me was "which hand was it!?" because she knows how furious I'd be if it were my right (drawing) hand. "It was my left, mom, I can still draw" "Okay, good" she breathed. I love my mom and her concern for that which I find genuinely important. She's the greatest woman alive.

Right now, my hand is still wrapped in a green, dinosaur bandage (the kind they wrap your arm in after donating blood), and I can finally take the thing off tonight at around 9 and clean it. Showering 1-handed was a definite adventure today....

They Burned the Bridges, Not Me

2006-12-12T02:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted here in ages. Partially because I haven't wanted to share all the intimate details of my life with everybody in the blogosphere. I might be pretty open with my writings here, but I'll keep this last little while at least relatively private.

Today, two bridges were burned...other people decided that carrying on communication with me simply wasn't important. I could care less. One was an "ex-boyfriend" if you can even call him that. I asked him for a simple favor that took no effort on his part whatsoever, and reprimanded me for it. He works at a place, and can get a discount...I was under the assumption that we were on good terms, but I guess I was wrong. I asked him if I could make use of his discount, and he essentially crapped a pink brick, via text messages....how quaint (I'm SO tempted to just cancel my texting service). With the advent of technology, I've learned that not only others, but myself as well, have become increasingly cowardly in our communication. Now it can be more convenient to break up with, or tell someone off via text in MSN or on your damn cell phone. I really don't have room to speak, as I can attribute my typing skills to hours and hours of talking via instant messengers, but the increasing cowardice and text-based drama is more than I'd expect to read in a cheesy $4 bodice ripper novella.

I don't hate myself anymore. Go me. I'm a human being. Deal with it. I finally do.

I have become content to not lock myself in an iron cage of "need to do perfect," and have found that in releasing myself from restraint, have expanded my creativity in areas that would have been otherwise untouched. I've let myself slack, stopped kicking myself in the balls for doing it, and things couldn't be better.

As a result, I've tried dating...all cases thus far have been nothing close to success, but I'm gaining experience. I recently ended an extremely intimate relationship because I just wasn't feeling right in it. I'll go so far as to say I felt as if I were using the other person...he liked me FAR more than I liked him. That wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to me. I ended the relationship, and haven't looked back since. Dang I'm getting good at this living without regrets stuff.

The other asshat who crossed my path, and set fire to her connection to me is one who I used to call friend and confidante. In a spat we had, say...a month ago, or so, she decided to use some choice four-letter expletives, command form, in conjunction with my name, thus defaming, and essentially spitting on it. Friendship, at this point, was over, irreparable, and wouldn't be cultivated any further. Someone willing to deface my name, my artwork, or belittle my mother aren't worth keeping around. If she were willing to grant me an apology for pissing on my name, I'd walk away, and have no ill feelings, just the chance for continued friendship was gone for good....well, today, she yet again refused to grant me that small and, apparently difficult recompense, and was so mature as to end the conversation with exactly the same phrase "*&^% PECULIAR MORMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She typed, vigorously, I'm sure, and proceeded to block my name from her MSN list. Imagery of a small child wearing a cowboy hat, riding on a stick-horse and sticking out her tongue came to mind...immature. That's the only imagery I had. This girl could NOT be serious. THANK YOU for that trip back to grade school, un-friend!

So all this hubbub has me in quite the mood right now. You can probably tell, because I'm being a little bit more descriptive, acrid and wordy than usual...or at least that's what it seems like to me. A little acidity goes a long way for my writing...maybe I should bank on it, and write my novel only when I'm angry? No...because it'd all be so acrid, that it'd HAVE to be some political commentary or something in which my true spite could shine through.

Okay, spite isn't the right word for that sentence, but I really don't feel like changing it. I'm entirely content with and confident in you, the reader's intelligent ability to come up with some equally explanatory imaginary word.

It's good to write. I just wish I could draw what I want to right now. I've had this imagery of a ranger (think Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings), riding an elk with a pet raven on his shoulder....I've got the imagery in my head, but drawing elk is just a pain in the butt. Maybe I'll be able to putter it out during Christmas brake.

My right foot hurts from silly Jazz dancing. With the advent of finals on the horizon, I've been placed in a group of 3 girls and myself, in charge of choreographing a 2 minute dance for my Beginning Jazz dance class. Now, under normal circumstances, I'd LOVE to choreograph a dance for something like this...but the problem I run into is the lack of creative control. I'm entirely willing to make compromises in my creativity, but when I have a second party second-guessing my every dance step, it starts getting on my nerves. And it's not so much her second guessing, it's just her...picky nature. Example: I had choreographed a decent chunk of dance, and then it was her turn to choreograph (which, in my opinion wasn't as good a bit as mine, but it was nice to not have to be in charge for a stint). After which she claims "okay, you have 16 counts to choreograph before the chorus of the song, and i want two 16 counts there," as if she had entire creative control over the piece? What if I wanted to do something in there...?

I am whining....WOW. I just realized how trivial this whole thing is. Nonetheless, we have to present our dance on Weds morn, and still have about a minute's worth of choreography to do. I've been busy working on my Illustration final (MUCH more important to me than a 1 credit dance class), and haven't been the most inspired to choreograph full body movement. I'll end up spending my evening tomorrow night, when I could be with a good friend, choreographing this silly dance for this silly class. There'll be time to hang out afterward, yeah, but the more time the better, right?

Another fun thing. Last.fm. VERY cool, using a method called "scrobbling," the client from this page can track your music listening preferences, and recommend new bands, very ala Pandora.com, only far more interactive, complete with friend lists, and detailed band biographies. Consider it the music snob's myspace launchpad.

Time for bed.

Like a Fever

2006-10-23T22:31:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have one of those times where you aren't sure why at all, but you're totally unmotivated, and entirely depressed? That would be right now. It's the kind of depressed that encompasses your entire body...I feel like I've got a fever. Heck, alot of my symptoms feel like I'm sick, but as they've just arrived within the last 30 minutes or so, I really doubt it's anything actually physical.

I've been thinking about the King of Hearts in my wallet lately...he's kind of my get-out-of-jail-free card...I'm almost ready to cash him in....sure it's 9 years premature, but who's counting...well...actually...I know I am...

Elaborate Waiting Game

2006-09-11T08:14:00.000-06:00

Life, as I now know it, is nothing more than an elaborate waiting game. Waiting for thirty...the ten-years-from-the-destruction-of-my-so-called-life mark. It's January 18, 2016 when things might actually wrap up.

I actually went to church today. I was freaking out...had to consciously stop myself from tensing up while I sat there. That's the only way I know that I know it's not all in my head...that unconsciously i was freaking out.

I walked home.

I found myself closing my eyes as I crossed the crosswalk, muttering to myself "please hit me, please hit me, please hit me."

I'm a mess. Admitting it is the first part of the problem right? Well, I've got alot of luggage.

Boys

2006-08-15T00:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Self,

2006-08-13T20:54:00.000-06:00

Dear self,

You're kind of a disappointment. Your current theme is "Pissing in the Wind" by badly drawn boy - so I guess at least that's okay...you've still got decent music tastes, I guess. You're taking entirely too long at everything you're doing, and the quality if only sub-par. You're not going to get much higher a grade on this paper about Islam than a B, and you're just going to have to settle for it.

For the last time, your parents don't want to help you buy a damn car. You've asked your mom, she kind of denied you, then later you talked to dad about it, he got angry and yelled, and then again when you brought it up to mom today, she actually seemed like she was considering it, seeing as how you're almost 21, you have actual need of a car, and you'll be moving to Utah soon...but that was just a farse. She doesn't really want you to have a car. Your sister IS selling her car in a while, but you'll never be able to afford it...hell, you have $400 some-odd dollars in your student loan fund, but you think you're going to use that towards something constructive? Don't make me laugh. You'll be a monitor for your computer that you need, because your current monitor hurts your eyes, and doesn't even belong to you.

You might think you will have enough money in student loans next semester, but that's a fallacy as well. You might not even think you'll need to ask your parents for rent, giving you some false sense of security, but that's bunk as well. You're reliant on them, and you'll never be out from under their need until you become a male prostitute, or a chip'n dale dancer (which you'll never have the body for).

You try to dazzle people with witty banter, but you neglect to tell them that you only scored a 22 on the ACT. You suck, you see. There's not gentler way to put it. You even suck at the things you do recreationally. Guitar? Don't make me laugh...no psaltry tunes for you. (insert school-related activity here)? Nobody in it likes you, seriously. You, once again, try to be comedic, but under your insecurities, your need for approval, and your neurosis, you're nothing but a distraction from the peopel who really know what they're doing up there. You've been contemplating not doing it next semester, and that's probably one of the most rational decisions you could make.

You're also a let-down. Due to your other 'plans,' no matter how 'important' they might be, you're letting people down. Always. Your parents are disappointed because you don't go to church every Sunday (and make a point of guilt-tripping you whenever they DO talk to you, or just yelling, outright), and dangle that over your head, your little brother doesn't have a proper role-model to look up to, due to all your dysforia, and you've let your friendships slip between your fingers. You've promised grandeur for some, coninued communication with others, and have disappointed all. Congratulations. You can't even manage to talk to the love of your life for more than 10 minutes without begging for them to take you back after dumping you in the firstplace because you were terribly unsubstantial for their needs.

You should really stop writing this letter to yourself, you know. You reallize how much of a plea for appreciation it is, and yet you continue writing away. You feel that pain in your right wrist? Yup. It's probably carpel-tunnel (learn to spell, you jackass). You can stop with the hypochondria as well. You tell yourself that it's a sign of high intelligence, and you may have even lied yourself into believing it, but really, it's just you being ridiculous.

I can't put this any other way but the next two weeks are going to be hell for you. You'll feel terribly insignificant, and you'll fail miserably at the tasks you'll attempt to accomplish. You might as well disregard any of those silly little horoscopes you sometimes think of. "Wow, they're accurate," is another misnomer. You just ache for someplace to fit in. It's with this that I have to leave you. I'm cooking a chicken pot pie, you see, and eventhough it's frozen, and easily done, and eventhough you could have PROBABLY (well, maybe) concoted one yourself, it's nearing the burning point.
Less than salutatious,
Yourself.

Dormaholic

2006-08-11T11:24:00.001-06:00

I hate that this ends up being my place to go when I hit a low...but I guess that that's my parogative, right? It's my blog, therefore I can do with it what I want, right? I'll just try and mention some nice things that have happened along with all the crappy...there are at least some, right? I guess my concern comes out of my constant need for other people's approval...I don't want people who I know and love (and others who I don't know) to read this, find things that I've done, and then think less of me - but if they were to think less of me in the first place, they would understand that I screw up sometimes. I fall through alot. I'm not the most dependable, or most 'straight arrow' kid...if you read this, and you're okay with me after these events have transpired, then we can still be friends...if you think that I'm a bad person for them, or for being gay, for that matter, then maybe ourfriendship needs some work...that is, if we're friends already.

It's 11:26am, and I'm at work. Things are already starting to be not so fun. I got sent home to shave because apparantly I was too scruffy...oh well. Whatever. This school has rule for employees, and I understand that. I guess I didn't think I was that scraggly, but oh well. I got to work late, on account of my sleep has been terrible lately. I wake up with 5 minutes to spare (it takes about 12 minutes to walk to work), so I dont' think there's been more than a handfull of times that I've not been late for work. The alarm is my enemy...the snooze button my co-conspiritor (have you ever reallized just how awkward the word "snooze" looks when you're 3/4 asleep? it's almost disturbing).

I tried calling in to work to tell my boss that I would be a little bit late, but the line was busy, so it was only once i was already 7 minutes late, that I finally got ahold of her to let her know that I would be unpunctual...at least I called this time.

Got to work...felt like crap. My cd player was skipping the whole way there (the CD i threw in was old, survived my car crash, and so better couldn't really be expected). Get sent home to shave, decided, once I got there, all covered in body grossness, that I would just take a shower, and say "what the heck...why not." I guess that was nice...being able to stay on the clock while showering. I checked the answering machine as I was about to run out the door to get the phone number of a man who found my wallet (which is actually excellent news), and wrote that on a slip of paper as I rushed out the door, still sweating from the heat of the shower, and my run up to my apartment (note to self: buy a car). I ran back to work...it's slow. I'm on a computer, listenin to Lisa Loeb and Gin Blossoms on Pandora.com

I've been trying to date some lately...and that's been pretty much disasterous. Earlier this semester, I tried striking up a relationship with a kid who I really didn't find that attractive (wow, my vanity showeth), but was really nice. I barely knew him, and as such, we pretty much just watched movies and made out, or made out while watching infomercials late at night. Nutshell story - disasterous. We're still friends, and I actually saw him last night, but now things are a little awkward. He'll be leaving at the end of the semester. We tried jumping into something that neither of us entirely knew what we were doing, and I guess we're reaping the social consequences.

Next dating experience. A guy who lives in the next-over town...goes to school here, but is living at home in his off-semester (can I just say how much I hate the 'track' system here at BYU-Idaho? One more reason to jump out when I can, I guess)...he's got enchanting blue-green eyes, a really great smile, and a pretty nice build. He, also, is extremely nice...nicer than the last guy, even. He's got a little bit of speech impediment, and we have next to NOTHING in common, aside from the fact that he loves Super Smash Brothers on the GameCube as much as I do...his major isn't anything even related to mine, but oh well...with him, I, once again, seemed to just jump into a physical relationship...parially because he was willing, partially because I get easily excitable, and partially, my postulation is, because I'm destined to ruin every dating scenario I could possibly be thrown in to.

He's stayed the night a few times (no, there has been no sex involve, thank goodness, as sex is something that pretty much terrifies me as much as it entices me...though we have done most things just shy of the 3-letter word), and each time, I've missed class, or called in sick to work, because I didn't want to get out of bed the next day...maybe a little bit because of feeling guilty, a little bit because I'm a somatoholic (addicted to sleep?)

Fast Forward to 2:29am

I finished work...went to class...it actually made me feel a little better...now after watching 2 movies, and then getting shot down by a practical stranger, I'm in shitsville again. Damn me for being human. Damn me for wanting what I want, and for wanting to be loved the way that I need. "God will wipe away our tears," I was told tonight...well, where's the hand been this past year?

Things with the last guy I dated fizzled, to be blunt, and to the point. I felt like he was becoming a "friend with benefits," because we barely knew eachother, and got way physical way fast...so I made the decision to nip it in the butt...I just am scared that I'm going to leap into another relationship because I don't want to be lonely....fuck.

Yeah...the night's not ending well...I've got my depressing mix on, and I'm going to go to sleep. I'll try updating more soon (and this time I actually mean soon).

Haphazard

2006-07-14T16:30:00.000-06:00

i love this photo so bad!

For my english class, one of our assignments is to write a weekly letter to our teacher, and just talk about life, ask questions about assignments etc. Since my letter ended up feeling so much like a blog, I decided to just post it up here out of convenience.

Dear Sister _____,

For lack of a better way to put it...life, the past two weeks has been...haphazard. Things that I thought would remain a constant for me are now coming into question, and without going into any specifics [dating the guy I'm dating, making out alot, fooling around a little bit, and last night, him falling asleep with me on my bed], I'm left with a little bit of a knot in my stomach. I'm uncertain about many things, but more and more I think (and this is an unexpected outcome of my experiences), the gospel seems to remain a beacon for me, in some form or another.

I've always been the one to question things...and when it comes to the "blind obedience" so often seen within the church (not necessarily the Gospel); I've always been one to question. People who continued to "fake it until you make it" have been under an eye of scrutiny, coming from my direction. Sheep...cookie cutters...mollies and peter priesthoods...I know they're not the nicest things to call people, but I did, and at times, still do. All people have inherent value, but I think I, in a way, placed them just a hair lower than the free thinkers and people who questioned authority.

My current feeling however is this; they’re still doing what's right. Over the past two weeks, I guess I could have gotten myself into some hot water (once again, no specifics), and my outlook on the Church had been kind of grim. I believed the Gospel to be true, but had a constant trouble with the PEOPLE in the church...sermons given over the pulpit, hurtful, inconsiderate words spat from the mouths of peers and priesthood leaders. Yes, I believed that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the closest thing that the world had to the truth, but for me, it wasn't all the truth there was to be had. The organization, in my eyes, was still flawed by the men and women who were charged with it's running...but here I am...in a time where I've come close to hitting rock bottom, I feel the pull of church influence reaching out to me, not in condescension, as I'd seen so many times before, but in love.

I work at the Copy Spot in the library. Today a group of EFY counselors came in to make copies, print things etc. When I was a teenager, I couldn't WAIT to be an EFY counselor...then I came home from my mission, and wanted to be as far from that silly idea as possible...but when these people came in here today (I'm actually typing this while at work; it's boringly slow right now), I couldn't help but think "wow...maybe that would be fun to do..." Then I sat to think "maybe these people really ARE happy?” I don’t know if I’d say that I think that, as a general statement, people who are “blind believers” are unhappy, but it just seemed to me to be so for a number of them. Not restricting myself in thought has been liberating…but now it almost seems a shackle.

So now here I am…contemplating actually going to all 3 hours of church on Sunday. Contemplating reading my scriptures everyday – not because I should, but because, for the first time in a LONG time I actually kind of want to.

==============================
Don't you love it when your life gets just a little bit more confusing, but you find that you're not angry about it?

I Don't Know What All You can Save Me From...

2006-07-12T02:36:00.000-06:00

I've pretty much let this blog die...I'm sure the blogging Gods are hurling lightning bolts my way as I type. Maybe I can bring it back from the dead...I know I haven't read anybody else's blog in ages...to be honest, I've been scared to. So many people's relationships crumbled at the same time as mine...I'm scared to see some get back together, but most of all, I think I'm terrified to see people move on. Misery loves company...

I said I was okay...I guess I am. I'm okay. I'm not great...I'm clinging to okay...that's what I am. Life has gotten a little bit better, I won't deny that...but I'm rife with hangups from the past that are still tugging at me.

I've chewed and swallowed a large chunk of my self hate. I'm gay. I'm to terms with that. I won't get married to a woman. I'm to terms with that, I think, for now. I'm practically only going to church the spotty few times I am because I want to keep going to school here. Lousy reason, I know, but that's what my excuse is, and I'm not terribly ashamed of it. I'm fucking human...I'm closer to terms with that than I think I ever have been - and I think it's my coming to grips with my humanity that has made me more "okay" with myself and everything than any other factor. God made us - humans - and NONE of us are perfect...we are supposed to be our best selves...I'm working with that.

I love the Gospel...I have an impossible time swallowing the "Mormon" pill though. I have faith in God, I have hope in a Christ, and I believe that the LDS church is the closest thing that the world has to truth right now...I'm wanting to believe, but what I believed before, or crammed down my own throat in wants to believe in SOMETHING, have kind of been regurgitated, and require inspection.

I'm past blind obedience. Life is too short not to question things. We're humans for a reasons. We have brains for a reason. Following laws and doctrines to the best of our ability is what we are here to do...that doesn't mean we have to do them without thinking first. There are many doctrines of the church that I cherrish, and some that are close to impossible for me...and I know it sounds like a cop out, and hell, maybe it is a little bit of one, but remaining vurtuous and chaste, in the Gospel sense, isn't something I'm sure I can uphold for my whole life...and now I sound like I'm going to hell. (and now i feel like there are about five of you just rolling your eyes and saying "there he goes," and I'm sorry for that, but....I need to love me...this is the best I can do right now)

The thought has been fluttering in and out of my mind, lately - should I keep wearing garments? I love what they represent, but I'm not confident in my ability to uphold those covenants...am I making a mockery of the Gospel by continuing to wear them?

Dating kind of bites. I had him...my him. I felt like I could spend a forever with him, and I would have been willing if he would have asked me for it...then I lost him...he took a higher road than I could handle, and I respect him SO much for that...I'm just terrified that he'll be lonely...I refuse to see him lonely and unhappy...I guess that's why I feel like I'd take him back in a heartbeat if ever he asked me...I don't want to seem like an easy target, but that's just how much I love, and am IN love with him. I've tried dating two guys since...well, kind of dating. The first one I refused to lead the boy on. He was staggeringly nice, extremely sweet but he just...he didn't compare. And the guy I'm seeing now...I'm terrified that he isn't nearly comparable. Am I voraciously picky? Do I just know what I want? I guess in this situation I'm kind of a sucker for a pretty face, and nice actions, but...the boy lacks the wit and intelligent conversation potential that my Knight carried...he doesn't read books often...he isn't in love with travel, he doesn't speak any foreign languages, he's never loved soil other than our own...he isn't as much of a man.

What is a man...sure it's "Manly" to be muscular, and strong...I'm not sure if I had more muscle mass than Knight, I very well may have weighed more than he did, but that's not what I cared about. Knight didn't have the most gorgeous face I've ever seen...but it WAS the most gorgeous face I've ever seen. It was perfect, and if I were to go blind, having that be the last thing I saw, I think I would be contented...he had the only that I truly long to curl up beside on a cold night, and know that I could recieve warmth from it.

He was the only person that I've let myself trust...the only one I've been ABLE to let myself trust. I'd trust him with any secret, any idea, any passion...I trusted him enough to, in time, let him love me...and make love.

And now that I've severely aggrevated one or more reader with my past hangups on someone that I don't think I will ever stop being in love with, I'll try to find some other topic to talk about.

Last term was hectic. This term has been, so far, forgetful - I've forgotten what time classes have started, I've forgotten counselling apointments and I've nearly forgotten work (I have a job at one of the copy places here on campus now...yay). Books took a tax on what small money I was making last term, but this new position will help with cashflow, I'm sure.

Being carless is stifling. I've finally met more "family" here in Rexburg...some have hated me (which I snickered at), and some have become great friends. I've found that my true friends will look past the disappointments that I give them, and that other people are backstabbers. I've had people get entertainment at my expense, I've had extreme anxiety about others in league with backstabbers, and I've wanted to cry but haven't been able to. I remember what it is to hate one person....only one. And I hate her more than I think I've ever hated a jock or preppie in high school...I hate her music, and I hate her fashion...I hate that, in order to get other people's attention, she has to resort to making fun of people, myself a prime example.

I hate one of my roomates - a totalitarian dictator in training. I wouldn't be too sad if he got hit by a car. I'm going to be sad to see one of my other roomates move out at the end of the semester.

More people know about me...I think I'm less and less of a secret, and more and more of a token gay friend...I'm not cool with that. I have to be up in 6 and a half hours, so I think I'll retire. I'm going to try to post more here later.

I need to remember that this is MY blog...I can't be ruled by what I think some readers' opinions will be because of my actions. My life is my life to live, and it's too short to live it regretting what I haven't done. I am my own person, and damn anyone for thinking less of me for being human.

Goodnight.

Asleep

2006-06-09T23:40:00.000-06:00

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I’m tired and i
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don’t try to wake me in the morning
’cause I will be gone
Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don’t want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

4.U.trevor

2006-06-05T20:09:00.001-06:00

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

1.800.4.U.trevor

"It's Okay to cry," Jeff told me on the phone. "Just Let it all out. Just let go of it all."

2006-06-04T03:20:00.000-06:00

I'll be Honest

2006-05-24T23:59:00.000-06:00

I'll be honest.

My heart's kind of, pretty much, broken.

And I'm not sure why i'm going to wake up tomorrow.

Blue-Black Eyes and Dead-man's Neckties

2006-05-23T14:16:00.000-06:00

Un Weekende Terrible.
I don't know whether it was the fight that I had with my father, the DTR, or the act of getting ripped a new one this weekend, but it was absolutely terrible.

Friday - Math test. Thought I was going to flunk it...super-stressed. Got an 80, and was very satisfied.
Saturday - Hung out with a buddy, recorded some music, went garage-sale-ing, and then hung out at his place. I was under the intention that he was going to drive me home...I even threw him $5 for gas, and he decided he was too lazy to drive, and that I was riding my bike home. The back tire blew out, 200 meters from his house, and I still had an uphill journey. I called my bud back, and he came and got me (thank goodness), and drove me and my bike to my apartment. While I was waiting for said friend, I called my dad. I really didn't know what to do, and he seemed like someone to go for for advice...why not give him another shot, after all the crap I've been handed by him. Well, in short, he thought I was blaming him...my father tends to get defensive when he thinks he's being attacked, and begins firing off at any comment he can think might be an attack. I ended up hanging up on him.

My bud ends up driving me home, and I'm just frustrated and exhausted, emotionally. "Do I want to live with my father for all of eternity?" I though. And I guess it's harsh, but no. Not really. Is that completely horrible of me? Upon further contemplating, the whole fiber of my belief system (or meager remnants thereof) began to come into question. What was I planning on doing with my future? Was I going to leave the church? Was I going to try to stick it out? Was living the lifestyle a better alternative to something which could, potentially, kill me? I don't know, quite, if I came to any kind of a decision, but the outlook looked somewhat grim. Either become more accepting of myself, and live something closer, more akin to "the lifestyle," or continue grinding myself into the ground, and trying to be a good mormon kid...and by grinding myself into the ground, I mean continuing my obsessive compulsive, perfectionistic behavior, loathing myself for this attraction which whould leave me perpetually lonely, if the 'holier' course of action were to be taken. I was beaten up, emotionally, and I needed to know I was loved. I needed to know that I was enough for someone. I needed someone to need me.

Enter the would-be romantic figure in my life, with a phone call. He wants to be good. He hates seeing me all torn up like I get. He wishes he could help, but there's nothing he can do (when really, being with him and having his attention would be enough to make me fly like a kite). The point is brought, yet again, to my attention that he doesn't want to act out, he doesn't want to live the lifestyle, and that means, he doesn't want to be romantically involved with me. All very reasonable. But since when have I been reasonable?

I don't know if any of you have been in loved, and tasted how good it is, only to have it broken off and handed back to you. It's not that my love isn't appreciated. I know that it is. It's not that I don't make him feel special...he's told me, repeatedly that it does. I don't question him at all. It's the fact that I want romance, and he wants to be good. Somehow, I have this idea in my head that romance can consist of just holding hands, and kissing, and cuddling...but we all know those quazi-innocent actions lead to others, and he deserves to be free from those.

The thing that really kills me is the attitude of "if acting out will make you happy, then go and do it. It'd be better that you not live your life wondering." I honestly can't say that acting out WOULD make things better, but it's not just the want to 'act out.' It's a want to make love...a want to be able to express, more than just verbally, how much I care for him...and that rips me up inside. I lose sleep about it...I don't want anybody else...and it seems like, to him, anybody will do. Sure, he might not think he's spectacular, or the most good looking guy, but I really could care less. I'm in love with who he is, not "how hot he is."

Phone conversation=over.

I get online, in hopes that I'll be able to recieve some kind of comfort from SOMEBODY...maybe SOMEBODY will listen. I begin talking to a friend from back in Oregon, and she begins her gambit. Accusations of hypocracy and, essentially, being a horrible person, are all I get. Nothing but tactless, unfriendly anger. "If you want to leave the church, then just do it, and get it over with." She even went so far as to ask me if I "masturbate while in my garments," saying that I'm a mockery of everything she loves (the Gospel). I won't be talking to her again. I took one of my sleeping pills, and forced myself to sleep, rather than do something dumb. I think I sent out a desparate plea for help that night.

Sunday brought a widescale emotional breakdown, involving me crying for around 2 hours, uncontrollably, and a friend trying to console me, while I cried on her. That night, I terrified myself...I was milliseconds from creating a gaping gash on my arm or some other piece of flesh...I almost cut myself...

How do I get past this? It's been a year, and I've been nothing but miserable. I try coping, try reading my scriptures and praying and going to church, and trying to be a good kid, but I only find myself picking at problems that posess me, and force me to reallize my weaknesses as a Christian, as a human being. As a son. Nobody has the answers for us. And that's why continuing in life is terrifying. I seem to have the notion that, were I to kill myself, it'd be better than continuing on in life, only to foul up, and act out, thus damaging someone ELSE spiritually. The notion of murder being "the shed of innocent blood" makes it seem like not-murder when placed next to my situation. This is why I'm scared...I honestly dont' know if I'll live past 30.

Once Again, I Get the Shaft

2006-05-02T18:02:00.000-06:00

I totalled my car last night. Damn me for driving fast. Damn me for driving fast with someone else in the car too. I was going probably around 70something on 35mph turns in a backwater Oregon town, and this is my payment. If only we would have driven around and listened to music in HIS car instead, I wouldn't be kicking myself in the balls. So car=gone. My personal icon of independence and livelyhood are sitting in my parents' driveway, with the back smashed in. I really just wanted him there with me, after the crash, waiting for the tow truck. His arms would have made everything okay for the time being, anyway. And knowing him, he would have been wearing a really nice sweatshirt, and it would have kept me warmer too. I could see my breath, I think.

The cop that found us was really nice, and let us keep warm in the cab of his cop car while we waited for the tow truck. He smoked. I like that about him. He was a cop, and he smoked, and he was nice. The other was condescending and lived kitty-corner to my house. I don't like him. The tow-truck operator was kind of a punk too, but at least he did something constructive and pulled my car out. Condescending cop # 2 knocked on the door of my parents' house, trying to wake up somebody after I had called more than 15 times, to no avail. Mom just didnt' wake up until I walked into her room. I cried....or tried to, last night. I felt bad...but I guess not as bad as I felt this morning. I was really hoping that it would all have been a bad dream, but it wasn't. Please let this all have been a bad dream. Mom felt prompted that I should go with her up to the temple this morning, after I told her last night. I conceded and figured "what harm can it do? I already feel like a hypocrite and a failure, at least the pretty scenery will give me some time to cool off and try to mellow out.

I had "the talk" with Mom this morning before we went to the temple. I'm so sick of crying. I told her how I feel about life right now: that I'm walking on a knife-edge, and I'm damned if I fall either way.

Right now/knife edge=living celibate...not getting in trouble...only problem is that I feel like I'm really walking the figurative knife...and my feet are cut so badly. I fall to the left, and I live the lifestyle. Maybe I'm damned for eternity for rejecting the gospel, and maybe I actually end up miserable in this life...but from the experience I've had in the past year, going towards that side is the only relief I've had from this blatant self-hatred. To my left is continuing to "fake it" but I won't "make it," I don't feel. If I keep on grinding myself against the wall that is the church, looking for some hole to squeeze through and find my salvation, I'm going to grind myself to paste before finding anything. And by grinding myself to paste, I mean killing myself.

So it's spiritual death, or physical death...and we only live once. There's not point to living miserably...right? I suppose I could try to live "happy," but I never really know how over the guilt I'd entirely be able to get. That, and the eternal "what if's." Then what if I end up killing myself. I know, I know, cop out. Thing is, I'm scared of effecting more people negatively. I'm scared of the negative influence or affect that I have on anything. I don't want to damage anythign else. It might sound like it's ridiculous, but you know how it's not considered murder if it's in war? Or how it's murder to shed "innocent blood?" I don't see myself as innocent blood. Sure my homosexuallity isn't something that I picked, but I feel like it's made me tarnished...impure and imperfectable. I'm hoping that when I do die, I'll be able to fall down at God's feet, and just cry, and hope that I'm enough...hope that I'll be able to be raised up, and hugged, and told "yes, you did well. You're enough, now take some rest. You've done enough." I guess I'm hoping there'll be some sort of grace for my huge faults. I can hope.

Tilt

2006-04-27T03:34:00.000-06:00

So, this stint at home has been....non-beneficial...but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Things with my father have left me really nothing but sore muscles (meaning tension). Since I lack the stones to talk to him myself (which I need to work on), and I really didn't feel like crying anymore than I had to, I talked to my Mom on the subject instead. I brought to her attention that I never have felt like I've had his attention or approval, etc etc. One thing that I hate is that my mom is always so positive. I know, I know, how chaotic of me. But that's always been my response. "Maybe you could try thinking more about the future than what's happened in the past, because it can't be changed." Very wise words, I think I've reallized. It still doesn't fix the fact that he's hurt my past and my future by his actions back there. I wish that I could make them right, and I wish that I could make him see, in advance, what all he'd be doing to me.

Granted, I'm not blaming my whole homosexuality and depression on him...sure, I believe there are some kind of a predestined propensity in everyone towards one thing or another. It just so happens that in my immediate family, it's same-sex attraction.

Yesterday was our 'family gathering' that I came home for...and it was absolutely dumb. I know, maybe I should have tried to have a little bit more passion about things, but it's kind of hard to have some hutzspa about something as boring as eating hamburgers inside with a couple members of my family. It was supposed to be an Easter/Sister's Birthday celebration, and really didn't come across as either of them.

On the drive home, I ended up turning on Jack Johnson and getting lost, and extraordinarily depressed, because that's the CD that reminds me so much of......er.....him. I ended up not wanting to ask for directions, so I drove around the outskirt towns of Portland looking for a familiar highway. The drive that should usually take around 35 minutes turned into an hour and 45 minutes, and I was bushed. Muscles sore and tight, headache ready and raring, and my emotions already having run close to full circle from Lonely - Depressed - Aroused -- the only thing missing was Guilty which was to come later.

These past 3 nights have been absolutely idiotic. Not only have I been not falling into the trap of porn, but jumping in. I've been running in search of it, even when I haven't really been feeling horny in the least to start out with. Last night was particularly stupid, as I decided to go get high, and then look at porn. (which really isn't that exciting, incase you're curious...it really wasn't any more exciting, maybe even less)

I took one of my sleeping pills and then decided to fight the narcotic effects...essentially it was like having a migrane without all the pain and pounding...blurred vision, lack of peripheral vision, swimming head. The porn was kind of an impulse of feeling lonely (which, at least at present moment, isn't exactly a comfort at all...infact how the two are connected kind of confuses me right now...I blame my subconscious)...apparantly I tried sending a whole slew of random photos to friends, and requested sexual favors. I didn't remember all that jazz until it was presented to me, and I just thought it silly.

He is out of town at the present. Out of cell phone communication. I hate that I'm so serially confused by his actions. He's feelings. constantly a little bit aloof...speaking only vaguely of his..stating that confusion hasn't been far off for him either, and that he's just trying to unwind and de-stress. I'm just hoping that we can get back to where we were before...he's consoled me that he still wants to hold me, which means that at least physically, in part, I can hope I'll be satisfied (as sex isn't really a big temptation for me...I just want to feel loved, really). I guess I hate the emotional uncertainty most of all. I've been reassured that he loves me, and that he misses me, but "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

I understand it, but I guess, for me at least, it's hard to wrap my head around. I guess the concept of just "falling out of love" is one that's difficult to grasp for me. Usually that's something that revolves around an experience. I would think that it would be some action that would cause love to dwindle, but from his words, it just happened. I hate to sound cynical, but I think that he's just trying to be "good." Which I love. I think that makes it more difficult, and, admittedly, more desirable. I know he's sticking with what he believes in...even if it means trying to convince himself that he's not in love...I need to do better at respecting that...doesn't mean I'm in love with him any less.

I re-organized my music collection on my computer.

I decided that Ambien is NOT a choice way of achieving a chemical high.

I've decided to put porn away...it's just kind of dumb at present.

I'm listening to goth-metal at the moment.

I think I'm going to try to take a vacation from this "being gay." Not that I've actively been doing much...mostly hating myself, really. I'll start taking classes again soon enough. I'll have a sweet, sweet bedroom and a sweet, sweet apartment (complete with dish washer, walk-in pantry, and 2 fridges and bathrooms!), and. Hopefully I'll be actively making friends, being stressed out with homework, and working out and sculpting my body into something more healthy.

I'll be leaving my parents' home here soon, I think. Staying here is only hurting. I've got a good friend who's willing to let me crash at his apartment, so I think that will be a very good thing for the early-stay.

Yeah for goth-rock.

And Now I Reallize Why

2006-04-24T10:39:00.000-06:00

I'm talking to a friend online, and, just now, I think I understand part of my self loathing better. Why it is that I hate myself as much as I do.

Probably around the age of 8 is when I learned that homosexuallity is an 'abomination against God and nature.'

I had reallized in the year beforehand, 1st grade, that I was attracted to boys, not girls. There was one boy on the playground who was specifically attractive. Auburn hair that was just so cool, green eyes, those flannel shirts that were all the craze back in my gradeschool days. He just looked good. I almost want to say he looked cooler than I think he was cute, but at the time, I thought he was cute.

I've had it driven into my head for 12+ years that 'you like boys, so you're evil.' I haven't known anything else...other than the fact that I am an evil being, unilke the other boys, because of this thing that I've got. And I consider it like that. Something that I've got. It's not a trial, it's like a disease I've contracted.

And I guess that's part of what makes this so rough. I'm sick, I'm unwell...so why isn't God healing me? Making me better? Do I have to be perfect in order for him to make me okay again? I just hope that if I were able to be perfect, he'd take this all away. That's why I tried to go on a mission. I thought it would help me...thought it would make me more of a perfect and complete person. Instead, it only broke me.

I've been musing more and more on the idea of a homosexual relationship...and I'm reallizing more and more just how much it wouldn't work, statistically, in the long-run. So many just don't make it...so many relationships that wash down the drain, and fail. Far too many cases of infidelity for me to feel secure in it. How much it would brake my heart to find out that whomever I was in love with, and had made love with, had been unfaithful.

But on the other hand, relationships with girls have never worked out for me. It comes down, unconsciously, to my hating women. My mother was never courageous enough to stop my father from talking down to me, or keep my father from being emotionally abusive. It was only after he had gone that she'd console me, but never reprimand him. I hated her for that. I guess part of me still does. As a direct, or indirect, result of her actions, I felt like women were needing to be taken care of, and protected, not viewed as strong individuals themselves.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't. Go gay - be potentially spiritually miserable for all of eternity. Try to continue dating women and eventually get married - and I'm un-gratified in this life...and you only live once. We're supposed to have joy on this Earth, right? Then why should I go and get married, feel like I'm living a lie. I'd be even MORE of a hypocrite then, than I feel right now.

So what do I do now?

. . . . . . . . .

I keep making this to-do list, but nothing gets crossed out

2006-04-23T20:50:00.000-06:00

I'm back in Oregon...12 hour drive back, alone, because nobody was coming back this early, and beacuse Mom wanted me to come back...that, and to collect my red electric guitar. 5 minutes home, and Dad's trying to strike up an argument. I don't understand this city...I don't understand the people here...and this is where I grew up?

This feeling I've got...well...it's a lack of feeling actually, but it's what i've got right now...it's worse than the loneliness I've been feeling without the one that I love. This feeling is what makes more horribly depressed than anything...makes me more suicidal than is healthy for someone like myself....hell, nobody should ever feel suicidal, right? Well looks like I'm stuck in this boat, no matter how much it rocks.

My love has been aloof as of late...I get "I love you"s, but they're "I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you"s. How he kissed...can that be the truth? A part of me thinks that he's trying to be good the good mormon, wich I want him to do (and don't at the same time) if he wants to, and pushing me away, because he's scared of getting in this too deep...not letting himself be in love, because he's scared of it.

Here's a marker, here's my naked skin:
Art Exhibit A
Put a small "x" where I lost my way

My friends here are the borg...or they're not...Everyone is happy, or they're good liars. So many of them are wrapped up in happiness, and I'm kind of left behind. What'd I miss out on? Some of it seems like masks being put up, continuing to be "happy" in this stuffy, crowded spot. Some are happy to be able to get out of here, for which I applaud them...maybe that's all that I'm seeing? The friends who are getting out, and I'm just thinking "holy hell, I'm here for another 2 weeks." I guess I need to remember that I'm getting out in 2, not longer...I think I 'm going to go home early.

Alot of my friends back in Rexburg are leaving. While I'm happy that I get to kind of start over, I'm sad too...I've never been okay with just letting go of friends...and I guess that I'm still hung up on that.

In this house, I feel oppressed. Sure, there's alot of food in the fridge, but there's the Father Figure constantly trying to start fights. There's Mom who doesn't understand why or how I've gotten so depressed. There's my little brother who's ruling the house, and for that I'm patting him on the back. I guess he's earned it, being the youngest of all of us.

I just need to get back to my nearly-empty fridge, my drawings, my traffic signs that I stole up on the walls, and to people that I feel actually care for me. Sure my parents care, but it's the kind of care that is obligated...they care for me with money, and hugs, but they're not THERE for me. .Jerk, thank you for being there for me. Post Secret, eventhough you're a concept, thank you for being there and giving me strength for the following week.

I need to be able to create again. I'll be so distracted this next semester. I can't wait for distraction, and even for frustration because of it. At least it'll be something other than being frustrated with my life that is completely devoid of feeling, other than depression, and frustration over what I've been keeping stewing in my head. I'll have an outside aggressor that I'm forced to deal with, in my perfectionist nature, that I get to either dance with, or wrestle. It'll be a welcome uncertainty.

I need to get a band up and running finally, once I get back home. Oregon doesn't equal home anymore. Rexburg is home.

"You know that point in your life when you reallize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden, eventhough you have a place to put your shit, the idea of home is gone." - Garden State

That's me right now. I just need to remember to try to laugh between the times that I cry. Too bad I forget after 5 minutes.

So For Now, I'm Alive

2006-04-14T23:01:00.000-06:00

I didn't sleep this last night, but that's totally okay. I feel completely philisophical. Right now, I have reason, I have purpose. What that rason or purpose is, I'm not entirely sure, but at least I know that it's there.

Since I didn't sleep, I decided that I needed to watch the sunrise from atop the water tower. It was 6am, and I was already breaking the law. Unfortunately (but I think fortunately, as well, due to my fear of heights), the full stairwell up the side of the tower was blocked off, but that didn't stop me from climbing 1/4 of the way and watching as the sun rose.

I remember I kept on looking in the wrong place, trying to figure out where the sun would come up. It had been far too long since I had seen a sunrise, so I'm glad that I took this opportunity to watch for it.

I think I reallize, now, why it is that Superman gets his energy from our Yellow Sun. And Birdman too. The sun is envigorating, even if it is chilly enough outside that you can see your breath, and your black satin jacket isn't enouigh to keep you sufficiently warm.

White knuckled, I grasp the side of the ladder for, it must have been, close to an hour, and watched the sun rise. I read part of The Perks of Being a Wallflower while I was up there. I wanted to cry. And then, moments later, I was elated at the sight of the sun.

I've been questioning the very basis of my belief lately. What is right for me? What will bring me happiness? We only get one shot at life, and if you live it miserably, I think that's a sin. I wasn't created to be miserable, now was I?

The only thing that terrifies me about thinking like that, is that it involves toying with the idea of paving my own way...letting loose my grip on the beliefs that I've tried to cling to for 20 years...what if they're just not what I need? What if they're making this depression and self abuse worse? That terrifies me.

But for now...I have a little bit of peace...at least, I did when I started writing this.

I listened to, what I consider, our song on the way to and from the water tower today. I want it all back, what we had. But you don't think it's what's best, and I love you enough to let that hurt stay...the hurt of not being able to be close to me...but that's okay. It's out of me now...I don't have to try to find the words to express it again any time in the immediate future. The words are no longer threatening me.

I've read so much in these past 2 days, that it's almost staggering. I'm on a roll, and I think that I want to keep going with it.

For today, I have a reason to live. If I don't climb the water tower to watch the sunrise, it might as well not happen...Dawn breaking, I mean. It's kind of on the same vein as the "if a tree falls in the forest" thing...If I don't take advantage of the things in life that happen, then there's no point to living. Carpe diem. Morte Gratis. Bene Ego Volo.

The photo up there was actually taken just this morning. I was driving back from the water tower, and I saw the street "sunrise," and I had to take a photo.

I'd Rather not be Brought Here

2006-03-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

If it comes to the point of having to push off friends, be they gay or straight...I'm going to kill myself instead. I can't betray my friends like that, and just sluff them off.

Karma?

2006-03-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

Life has been mostly nothing but stress for me since last I posted. Stress, and Love. Violence and Fashion. Fusion and Distraction.

To start, the weekend with the one that I love more than any other was fantastic. Cathartic. A bit chaotic in the end, but he makes me a better person, and we're trying to keep things not-too-physical so as to keep ourselves out of trouble. We both want to make this last, and us ending up having sex, I think, would only put a huge crack in the foundation of our friendship.

After that, though, everything that could go downhill, went downhill.

Let me begin, in bullet points, explaining what has become the biggest Karmic Disaster in the history of Peculiar Mormon:
· I've been working at my job for a month and a half, and still no paycheck...wtf?
· The school denies my application, due to the fact that I didn't have my Bishop's signature AND my Stake President's on it (I assumed that just my stake president's signature was fine enough)
· The construction company working on our roofing rapes the side of my car with their damnable generator, causing a huge scratch in my passenger side door...GUH!
· My ever-receeding bank balance is currently at $19.53. It's already ben charged 2 overdraft feels of $32 due to stupid companies not turning in their bills on time, or whatever the crap they do to get the money off my account...I'm expecting yet another overdraft fee, which will plummet my bank account to $-12.47....and then another overdraft fee will come, and oodelally dolly what a day...I'll be the debtmeister.
· My apartment has been spewing human waste on and off this week....the septic tank or plumming, or something, must have backed up, because there was one and a half (1.5) inches of HUMAN WASTE water on my bathroom floor...TWICE (2x). My shower was unusable, my toilet? disgusting! And what's worse the kitchen started to upchuck onto the floor as well.
·On Friday, while driving a co-worker home from work, I got pulled over for speeding down main street. I can blame that, somewho, I was unconsciously trying to get her home in time for curfew, or that I really wasn't paying attention...the latter is the more true of the two statements.
·Yesterday I finally ran out of my medication...I got to walk around with a migrane, and fearing open spaces and large crowds....that, and being overly cynical and just hating people outright...

Since the start of the new week, things haven't been the perfect picture, but they've, at least, been a little bit better. My parents have put, total $170 dollars into my account, but the amount has been fangoriously devoured by overdraft fees, and overpriced antidepressants. Right now, I don't even really have money enough to buy some basic groceries...how am I expecting to get to Provo this weekend?

Paycheck. I've been repeatedly promised that my paycheck would come at xx/xx/xxxx date, but haven't seen a penny of my earned cashes...I finally took matters into my own hands, and got in contact with the corporate office...and they were just as uncooperative as my managers (big surprise, right?)...upon telling them of my overdrafts and lack of ability to pay for my expenses, and asking if there were any form of compensation possible, they pretty much just turned me down. "That's most likely not going to happen."

The reason for the lack of pay was, it seems, traced back to my managers. They didn't give me my W-2 form to fill out until about a MONTH after I started working...ergo, the corporate office really didn't know I existed until about 2 weeks ago. BAH!!!

Oh well....I should be getting 3 paycheck's worth of money from the theater, and one paycheck from the Opinion Center. I've turned in my 1 week's notice there, because the work is absolutely menial and meaningless...calling people, administering surveys, being constantly sworn at and hung up on, and having to mantain composure and a sickeningly happy phone-voice? I don't think I want to deal with that any more.

So now here I am...foodless...virtually pennyless...just got home from work, mom called. It makes me freak out...no longer is mom one that I go to when I'm stressed out, because she's the one who stresses me out now. She's always reminding me of the things that I'm working on, and makes it seem urgent that I finish whatever task...dad's the one that offers any comfort now, or calls with the intent of encouraging me and succeeds. The positions have switched, and I'm all bas-ackwards.

I came close to hurting myself this last week...It was my love that I have to thank for alleviating some of my stress, and making me feel like I was worth more than self-injury. Gosh, I love that boy...It's only when I reallize that there is someone that really truly loves me, that I feel like I'm somewhat okay. I know that he loves me, even when I'm weak, and end up looking at porn, or do something stupid...I love him with every ounce of strength that I posess, and sometimes I just slip and fall...and that makes me okay. I get nothing but understanding from him. I know how overly gay it sounds, but humor me. He's my Knight.

I need to get to Provo as soon as I possibly can...Be closer to my Knight, and out of this horrid apartment complex, which spews refuse and offers no cooling in the summer months!

I think that's enough out of me for today.

And Things Will Work Out in the End

2006-03-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

I really can't hide any longer.

This last week has been one of the best of my life. I've been elated, crushed, edified, chastised, loved, aroused, terrified and reassured all within such a short span of time, it feels like it's been years. I've been in love, and been loved.

Having someone to validate your existence is an amazing thing...having someone to be strong for, having someone who's strong for you. Having someone who thinks that you're enough, and somehow communicates that to you, on an almost spiritual level, is something that can't be explained, only experienced. Having such a longing for someone that you're willing to try your hardest NOT to get sexual with them is something that I have to treasure, and cherish.

He is my knight, I'm his prince, and, while I suppose this is kind of a love behind the King's back, I'm willing to make it last, and make it not cheap.

I've been telling myself over and over that if I can manage to somehow stick it out through this mortal existence, maybe, somehow, the two of us will be able to express our love for eachother as strongly as we have the need in the next life. There is ternal progress in the highest degree of glory (which I doubt my getting into), and eternal love. We'll all be with those that we love most, granted they make it there as well, and we'll be able to love them eternally...I just hope that I can love him as intensely as I hope, in the next life.

This has, previously, been a blog of wallowing...granted, it most likely will continue to be. It's been a place for me to spew out my discomforts and sadness...a place for me to long for what I now have, and can only hope that it gets better. I'm not saying that things are going to chane immensly, but I can tell you that right now, I am in love, and I'm willing to make it work on a spiritual level.

Talking to my therapist, we discussed how this sort of extremely deep friendship can help some men, who choose that marriage isn't the option that is most logical for them, remain celibate, or who knows...It may even be that with the help of love, I'll be opened up to loving more openly...allowing more people's love to touch me. Heck, I might even be able to end up marrying a woman....right now, though? I'm just going to remember that I've got time. I'm still very young, and marriage isn't needed in my immediate future...nor is sex. I love him, and he makes me so excited, but we've both made covenants. We're going to do our best to uphold them.

We're walking a tightrope like the one displayed above, but I've got pretty darn good balance...at least, I have in the past. Both literally, and figuratively speeking.

The Gradual Descent Into a Life I Never Meant...

2006-03-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

So, previously I hadn't really had that hard a time getting to sleep...that's all changed. The amount of stress lately has just been...it's been not good for my skin, for my sleep, and for my inhibitions. Here's the situation with work. I got this job, and it's a nice job, I really get payed for not doing much, but thing is, I was supposed to get payed last week....and I've got about $60 in my bank account to live on until I get payed. I really need to get this paycheck to, you know, live, but It hasn't been coming fast enough. I've now been working there for a month, and still no paycheck. Something to do with my manager not getting the copies of my social security card and license into the corporate office in time (how funny that, in his office, I saw them just lying around...that really pisses me off). I've already hit my parents up for money once, which I feel horrible for, as I'm trying to keep out of their pockets, but they've be4en gracious enough to give me $50, which I've been living off of...er....not spending.

So this stress has been piling up, and I had been taking it in, well, not the most constructive or spiritually sound manner. I've been releasing it via my usual evils...porn and masturbation. It's come to the point now, I think, where masturbation isn't the big issue...It's going to happen, I think I've accepted that. If I'm going to even contemplate celibacy, "taking care of myself" is going to pretty much be a necessity...and I hate to look at it as necessary evil, but I guess it's been keeping me from acting out in some other, more drastic form.

I'm just pissed off about the porn.

Last week...man...it's just been horendous. I talked with my Bishop this last Sunday, and after that, I had been doing so good this week. No porn, I was a rockstar...aaaaaaaand then last night, and boom. He had asked me to read my scriptures, and keep a journal of the things I've learned...I'm a slacker, and feel guilt that leads me to not read, so I've been not doing what he asked. I really need to start up on it...today. I need to do it today...at least have SOMETHING to take to him when we meet this next Sunday.

My Bishop's been great, though, and that adds to the "I'm a punk" feelings. I think I'm the first member of his ward who's approached him with same-gender attraction issues...oh well. He's been nothing but supportive, and sympathetic, and he's a good, good man.

Can't this just stop? Because I'm exhausted. I don't know how to not struggle with this...I can't just give in. I don't know how to just "turn my back on the Dragon."

I hate this lack of connection between brain and heart. I can't make me love someone....can I make me NOT love someone? I'm sick of being so confused...and I'm sick to my stomach. I want to be bulletproof.

Running from the Sun

2006-02-28T03:57:00.000-07:00

So I don't want to go to sleep...I've been talking with Smurf, and he said don't, so I won't. What else to do? Write a blog.

I want to stop feeling like me...I think I want to be somebody else...I feel like muddy water in a puddle. Or something. I'm confused, and frustrated, and I don't know how to cope with what's been put on my plate. I've been trying to string things up in an orderly manner, but I've found that I'm just tangling things...am I supposed to just take scissors to the cross-stitch I've been constructing? I want to be held. That's what I want. I want strong arms to just hold me, and a strong voice to tell me that everything will be alright...that I'm good enough. That I'm good. I want someone to depend on me at least a little bit...not as much as I am needy, but at least someone to care for...I want to be good enough for someone to love me...And I know I have people who love me...but I guess I'm lonely...I want love...romantically....though I'm terrified of it. In this want for love, I'm terrified of being clinged to. I'm terribly clingy, and I guess as part of hating myself as much as I apparantly do, I hate that part enough to have the dislike projected on others.

I watched Brokeback Mountain. Before you start rolling your eyes, reallize that I had been wanting to watch it. It wasn't a matter of "should I or shouldn't I?" anymore, it was just a matter of how. I saw it, I bawled profusely, and it was extremely cathartic. End of story. I guess I can kind of say that it's scared me out of having any kind of relationship at time present anyway...boyfriend or girlfriend...what if tragedy strikes? I'd be tortured for the remainder of my lifespan...I know it. I just get too emotionally attached.

I wish I could get as cold as some people do. Put up walls...be truly apathetic.

I know I talk about suicide alot...and I know most of you must think me a coward. And I guess, with the dilusion that I'm under, thinking that death would be an escape somehow...that MAYBE God might take pity on me, and somehow I'd find a space in his good graces, even after destroying the life of one of his children...

I meet with my therapist at LDS family services tomorrow (finally!). Supposedly, he was one of the number 1 therapists in dealing with SSA clients within LDS Family Services...but then he retired. Now he's back out of retirement, and in Idaho, and, starting tomorrow, working with me. Hopefully he'll have some advice for my compulsive, self-abusive self-talk...I really have no way of keeping it in control. I reallize that maybe, at first, it was me talking bad to myself because I felt like I deserved some kind of punishment, and now it's escilated into much, much worse. I'm not even sure of that anymore though. There are so many things floating around in my head that I'm not sure if they're fabrications of my lying-to-myself, or if they're actual factual.

Really, I just need some help coping...and I need someone to hold me...or I don't need someone to hold me, but I feel like it'd be extremely therapitic.

I'm scared about my ecclesiastical endorsement...I phoned my Stake Pres. from back in Oregon, and when I asked if he'd be willing to fill it out, and fax it to the school, he sounded irate, and told me that I needed to talk to my Bishop here (which I have been). The reason I haven't been asking my bishop here about it, is because I've been talking to him about my pornography problems. I know that it completely depends on the Bishop as to whether they'll let you have your endorsement when porn is involved, but I'm trying...and I'm scared of asking him about it. I know I need it in as soon as possible...so I might as well just get ahold of him. I'll make it clear to him how important it is that I stay busy...how important it is that I get back into school.

I'm insecure...I need an emotional brace.

SMB In the Know

2006-02-24T04:55:00.000-07:00

So, I don't know what entirely came over me...Mayhaps it's the fact that he's leaving BYU-I in 7 days, maybe the fact that I won't see him again for 2 years (or never again), or myabe the fact that I felt like I could really connect with him, but Shared Major Boy knows that I'm gay now...I tried, multiple times, to push the subject, but ended up getting dodged. He knew I wanted to talk about something...I finally wouldn't let him jump away from it.

"You know how I've talked about having deep emotional issues, right?" I stammered,
"Don't go and tell me you're gay, or something like that..." He replied.
"....actually.............."

Silence

"The fact is, though, that I don't want to be," I tried to sound reassuring.

So now, the kid that I felt most connected to, lately, moreso than distant-roomate, knows too...and he was one of the few people I was concerned about...things are smooth on the exterior. I made it known to him how insecure the whole thing makes me...and how much I want to be "normal," and how I really want him to still be my friend. Call me smother-y, or clingy, but I really can't let this kid get away. He's like my bizarro, only not evil. My doppleganger, without being an actual part of my soul...he's like the brother that I've always wanted.

I guess I'm just insecure, and waiting to see how things boil over, in this next 7 days...and if he ends up writing me/me writing him down in Brazil.

More to come.

Happiness Was Two Kinds of Ice Cream

2006-02-21T01:51:00.000-07:00

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.

I'm scared.

I'm scaRED.

I'M scared of the future. I'm scared that everytime that I've let myself call someone my 'best friend,' that they've run away, or pushed me away, or tried to move without my notice. I'm overemotional...I let myself get attached to men too much.

I don't want to live a celibate life. But I have to...I don't think that, honestly, that I'm ever going to be able to marry...I want happiness, but in the gospel, it's almost been brainwashed into me that that requires a family consisting of a wife and kids as well as a man...My brain knows different...it's just how do you convince your heart, when it says your head is lying...I don't want to continue being depressed, or unhappy...not that happiness will come from homosexual encounters...for me it'll come in self acceptance...self acceptance that I don't know how to even offer to myself...right now, it's only blame blame blame.

I feel horrible that I blame God for this.

I blame God for this.

I blame god for THIS.

I BLAME God for this.

Yes, I know he's the one who allows things to happen to us for a reason...There's a reason.... but even if it's for my education, I'd rather live in ignorance than have to deal with this further...Why do I have to be the one to learn this lesson? Why can't I be normal? I want to be free from this mental cycle of blame upon blame upon blame. I want solace....I want normalcy...I want freedom from codependancy, and from emotion.

I miss the days when happiness was 2 kinds of ice cream, or getting to play the xylophone in music class, or opening a brand new 12 pack of crayons.

Can I catch fireflies, and have that be enough? Can I go back to the days of thinking that my conscience was really a cricket? or thinking that rubbing a magic lamp could bring me three wishes? I wish that I thought that the four winds were really giant clouds with the faces of men, constantly billowing and blowing from over the horizon, hidden from my eyes, but visable to whomever it was that drew all those maps.

Paper stars on cielings aren't the real night sky...but when I try to look at the black expanse, clouds come in for cover...the sky knows that I don't belong out there...what can I do?

Who are you to blame when you're not really who you are?

That aside, I had a very un-depressed weekend with El Veneno, Pinetree, and Smurf. Down in Provo, it's so comfortable...I have people to relate to. I can say one word, look in somoene's eyes, and they understand my soul in its entirity. Those of you who made this weekend magical, I thank you, and owe you part of my life.

Will I Ever Reallize That It's Going to Hurt Tomorrow?

2006-02-15T03:01:00.000-07:00

I ended up doing the whole thing over again last night. And tonight. Porn followed by masturbation. There's obviously something not right, and at the same time, I've got some ground to stomp around on. I went a week. No porn, no masturbation. Cool. I started writing in a journal again. Cool. I reallized that when I write in a journal of some kind, I end up messing up less...so I decided to put that to use...but the tension kept on building, as only tension of the sexual kind can...and last night, after I had gone a week and a day, kaput. And what did I have this morning? Disdain for myself. What'll I get tomorrow? The same. I hope that I never grind myself down to the point where I just don't care about this, because I feel that it's something that DOES need to be cared about.

Someone's alarm clock is going off...and it's really annoying. I hate the sound of digital alarm clocks...they pull me from sleep, and they hurt.

I really had no reason to be stupid tonight...I didn't have mounting tensions. I had been kind of mad at myself this morning, but I ended up going to work for 8 hours, and I was fine there. Not a sexual or homosexual thought, for that matter, crossed through my mind. I come home to find Shared Major Boy waiting for me (we've been hanging out quite a bit over the past 3 days, and I'm so happy to have a hetero friend who's just fun to be around), we hung out for about 1/2 an hour, and then he went home...roomates went to sleep, and I went to pornin'. I had saved a file on my computer...a video, I'll just suffice to say that much...I knew it was there, and went back to look at it again. "Eh, I just saw gay porn, I might as well finish the job," my mind said to its self...ludacris, I know...I'm not a rational thinker in the the heat of the moment, I guess.

Something can't be right though...Yes, I know the stuff is supposed to be more addictive than crack, but I should have more willpower than this, shouldn't I? Yes, I'm human, but I should be better than this. I don't want any "aww, poor baby, you just need to be easier on yourself" right now...right now, it hasn't fully struck me that I've just oggled someone's sons sodomizing eachother, and got off to it. Okay, that kind of was a blow to my ego right there, and I DO kind of feel it a bit now. Hah. Go guilt.

I have a meeting with my new therapist through LDS family services this Thursday. Apparantly the therapist is a female...that'll be interesting. The woman who I talked to at the desk said that she specialized in the area of SSA. Let's hope she can help with pornography as well...I don't want to say I'm an "addict," but these all sure are signs of an addiction...great. Now I'm gay, AND I'm addicted to porn...and I masturbate without really having a lobido either, due to the medications I'm on...I'm just a regular saint, now aren't I?

I DO feel sore about one thing.......thoughts...fantasies while I was there, doing my duty...one poor boy's face, who doesn't belong there, kept on popping into my head. I hate this...he's too good for me to be thinking like this about him...maybe that'll stop me from fantasizing about him in the future....I mean, initially it WAS something I wanted, but I've come to know him, and he's no longer a piece of meat. He's got a personality and I care about him...

Interesting thought.

Those that I care about, I don't want to get sexually involved with in any fashion, be it fantasizing, or the actual debaucherous act...that could prove helpful in dodging any possible future gay relationships...I just need to get myself to care about any guys that I find myself attracted to...hopefully that'll quell any urges.

Gosh, I'm rational.

It's 4 am...I am supposed to go work out tomorrow morning...and I'm just throwing my own little pitty party here, and not inviting anyone else, because its my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Maybe working out will drain me so much that as soon as I get home from work at midnight, I'll just lay head down on pillow.

I miss my best friend, my roomate. He's sleeping in our room right now. I didn't see him at all today.

Playing on my Insecurities

2006-02-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been forever since I've written. I need to reallize that this is one of the only ways some of you have to know how I'm doing, and my lack of posting could mean my dropping off the face of the earth...so I live! I've just been busy being insecure, and getting 2 jobs, etc.

First thing first...my dream last night. I blame this partially on me forgetting to take my meds...so my insecurities were played upon by my unconscious. I was back at my homeward, in my dream, and I was asked to play my song that I've been working on (which is wierd that I accepted, because it is completely un-churchy, and completely unfishinsed and unpolished). Anyway, for some reason I agreed, and was rocking it up on the piano and guitar (which is odd, because I don't play piano). I got past the first few lines of the first verse, and the adolescents in the audience started singing...could have been cool, other than the fact that it WASN'T MY SONG THAT THEY WERE SINGING. Apparantly my song sounded akin to somecrap that had been on the radio, and all the kids had been gobbling it up like turkey with cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving. Thank you obesity. This act completely screwed me up...I FORGOT my song. I couldn't sing it anymore...it was gone. This alone was enough to make me pretty much want to die. That song is like my soul, screaming aloud. It's one of my ways to communicate my emotions and true feelings, about SSA, about insecurities, etc, without people looking at me funny.

So I forgot my song. I ran out...I was depressed in my dream already. I had, apparantly, brought my best friend (and roomate), the one who I had been feeling insecure (for no valid reason) about him taking off on me...well...I wanted to leave, and go home. But he refused to go with me (catching where this is going?), and before I know it, he had disappeared. I went out to my car, and just felt like crap for a little while...best-friend-less, and aloneish. I had my guitar with me. I tried starting my car, but no dice. So I had to ride home with my mom in the van, but we couldn't fit my guitar.

Once we got back to my parents' house, I wanted to go and pick up my guitar, because I pretty much can't live without that thing, and NOBODY WOULD TAKE ME. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that was HORRIBLE. My guitar is like an extension of myself. Nobody would. Depressed. Next day I asked my sister to take me. She refused. She was more concerned with seeing me do a wall-flip, and going to work. Some of her friends told me that if I payed for their groceries, theyw ould take me. At this point, I really didn't care, I just needed my baby back, so they took me driving all around town, everywhere else except for near the church, my car, and my beloved guitar. Roomate was still nowhere in sight...I assume he had gone back home home. Here to Rexburg.

Pretty much my dream was my brain torturing me, and playing on my insecurities, thus making my internal conflict worse...I reallize that not only do I hate myself in my conscious, but my SUBCONSCIOUS hates me too. Oohdelally, what a day. I reallize that it was just a dream, but for me, dreams are my escape. Sleep is what I use to escape the real world when things get too rough...and once again, I can't escape there for fear of being tormented.

I got that job at the movie theater. I'm the projectionist. Cool. Part of my dream last night involved getting fired from this job, and having to go by my OLD place of employment, where I quit because my psycho feminazzi boss screamed at me, and made me feel like refuse. Anyway, I really have no clue what hours I work this week, and I have to call in at 1pm to find out my hours.

I just took my medication, but it won't catch up with me until later today if at all...merf.

This past week, my insecurites have been getting the best of me. I'm terrified that roomate is going to bolt on me, when that's completely NOT in his character. I'm afraid he's going to move away, and never keep in contact. He might just do that moving away thing. They say that the friends you have in college are the friends you keep for the rest of your life...dear God, I hope I don't get sacked by this kid. I love him too much.

Shared-Major-Boy and I FINALLY hung out last night, and he was over from about 9pm to 3:30am. Not that I'm really that interesting, but we had a good goood time. He's completely NOT gay at all, and that's SO good. He makes me feel completely more heterosexual when I hang out with him, and that's good...all his "that's so gay," comments aside. Hanging out with him makes me completely crush on him so much less, and that's a GOOD thing in my opinion. We're supposed to hang out lots lots lots before he takes off for his mission in 28 days. Too bad when I make a friend that I have THIS much in common with, he's gotta take off in less than a month. Oh well.

I JUST woke up, and I need food, as I was starving when I went to bed last night.

My Mouth is Dry....

2006-02-01T03:11:00.000-07:00

I've reallized how degrading pornography was in the past...and I've just come to reallize it yet again. 3:11am...I just threw these past 3-ish weeks down the drain. I know, you might be saying "no, you didn't throw them down the drain," but that's how it feels...I just indulged in a pornbath, and then the big nasty "M." Blargle...Masturbation...there, I said it...one of the most disgusting words in my vocabulary...in conversation, I try to specifically use the M word bcause it disgusts me so much....not that I try to bring it up in conversation frequently.

So...I don't feel the entirety of my guilt just yet...I know come tomorrow morning, I'll want to lay myself under one of my roomate's cars, and hope they back over me, while suffering in the bitter cold...I can't stand myself at present, but I know that this is just the first course in an 8-course meal of guilt and shame to come tomorrow morning...now I just feel more angry at myself than depressed....that'll come tomorrow.

I don't want to face any mormons tomorrow...not my roomates, not anyone in my ward...I'll just rot in my bed...they'll all see through my lies...see that I feel just about as bad as a child-molestor must feel...or SHOULD feel...and It's odd somehow...somehow, non-mormons aren't so hard to handle...when I know there are many many non-LDS people out there far more chaste and moral than me, and most mormons I know...but somehow it's just easier to face THEM instead...too bad I'm in Ice-Berg Idaho. I guess mormons, to me, just seem so...higher-up. Even with their problems...even if someone has been disfellowshipped, I could still think FAR more of them than I could EVER think of myself...don't ask why, I dont know.

I'm demorallized to think that that was someone's SON that I was watching...oggling someone else's bits for my own enjoyment, when I reallize that he calls someone "father" and worse yet, someone "mother."

Here's the way my mind works (and pardon all the bouncing around...I'm just typing as I think). I'm obviously not being punished enough for being a gay, masurbator, porn-looker-atter, because I haven't been struck by lightning...I haven't been hit by a bus, or had my limbs removed or something...God hasn't really punished me for it all...and so, I feel that the need to somehow find a worse way to punish myself is requisite...that's one reason, I'm sure, for my depression...but honestly....right now? Life needs to pull a Donnie Darko, and crash a plane engine into my house, and take me out, because I feel like that much rubbish.

I can't wrap my head around the prospect of being emotionally satisfied by just ONE person...not a girl at least...I can't relate to girls (how ironic, when I'm unhealthily femmie at times?). I also can't stand clingy people...I, myself, happen to be one...and I hate myself for it. Having a guy depend on me as much as I would them? Sweet action...a girl? Eeg, you're clingy!

Mneh....I'll post more, as I'm wollowing in my defeat tomorrow....be certain, it'll happen...2 of my 4 best friends don't read this...and one of which I live with...So I think I'll be fine continuing to lie...and pretend like nothing happened...that, or I'll just have another anxiety attack, and we'll go from there....

My mouth is dry....

Post Secret

2006-01-28T03:03:00.000-07:00

No real post tonight....okay, that's a lie...

First off http://postsecret.blogspot.com Check it out. Pretty much this is one of the most inspiring ideas I've ever come across...infact I didn't even come across it, someone else pointed it out to me.

Today has been the 3rd day in a long string of crappy days. Today piqued in a full on anxiety attack. I had just spent money on groceries...I don't like having to eat because it means spending money...isn't that horrible? Anyway, I dropped a girlfriend off to shoe shop while I ran over to the movie theater I've been trying desparately to get a job at. As I walked in, I made eye contact with the manager that I needed to talk to. He promptly moved to the back...employee area or whatever. I talked to the girl at the counter "I need to talk to your manager in charge of hiring, please," I stated cordially. I thought "finally, I've got him cornered!" Much to my frustration, she returned and said "Yeah, he's busy getting some films started, he'll call you back later."

I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH THE BASTARD. The lines were horrendous! The place is obviously UNDERSTAFFED. I'm far more qualified than the pippy-twats working there...barely high school grads with no real motivation...living off mommy and daddy's cash. I need a job, damnit. I turned on my heel, mouth full of guile, and sat in my car.

At the shoe store, I found a pair that I obviously couldn't buy, as they cost $20, and I shouldn't be spending any money...I let them sit, but vowed to return and purchase them upon gathering some funds, be it through honest employment, or whoring myself out...damn.

Return home...anxiety builds. Crapface person who barges into my apartment and I can't stand is there, bugging people as usual...I told him I refused to talk to him, there was an anxiety attack on the brink of spilling over. I went to my room and bawled.

This is the third day in a row that I've been thrown into hysterics because of frustration, loneliness, or dispair. No, coming out of the closet and "accepting that I'm gay," and living the lifestyle isn't going to make it go away...sorry to be a blunt bastard, but I don't want to hear that tonight. I don't want to hear people chide "you need to accept how you are, and just go fuck some stud in the ass." Not happening, my lovelies. I'd be more emotionally unstable were I to fornicate in such a manner, nigh unto suicide...I WOULD kill myself.

I won't ask for a pardon of the swearing...I don't feel I need a pardon. These are my words...interperet them how you will.

Ношт.

I am so Rational...

2006-01-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's a consequence of not taking my medication last night, and then finally taking it this afternoon, or what, but I am feeling so freaking paranoid right now...so agonizingly....just...erased....and I'm going to post here, because I know that there are few of you who really know me in person, and I can just get this off my chest. In times when I'm feeling most neurotic, and helpless, getting this out in text tends to help the most.

I am forgotten by the one good friend I had. It's not consequential to his working nights (or maybe it is), it's not consequential to my LIVING with him (or maybe it is), but my roomate, and best friend is leaving me wanting....gosh, I'm a neurotic mess.

Here's the premise on which I'm basing this paranoid rant...I'm not on his MSN instant messager list...am I ridiculous? My brain says "yes," but my instincts, leaving me frantic, say no. This is what happens whenever I let myself have a "best friend." I get pushed away...most often times by my own doing. I might not be in his phonebook on his phone next. He IS moving to a different, outrageously priced apartment next semester...maybe avoiding me is his goal. I tend to complain about my SSA every once in a while to him...but no, I don't feel like it's to the point of being annoying. We just don't really TALK anymore...that makes me SO sad. I should have heeded co-worker advice, and NOT lived with my 'best friend.' How selfish am I? Sitting here complaining...he's got a life...but dagnabbit, I want one.

I still haven't found a job...and while the graphic design place that I applied at said that they REALLY liked my worksample, they aren't going to be hiring anyone, they've decided, until mid February. I'm frantic...I'm at my whit's end...

The movie theater that I'm applying at...the manager is NEVER available. I'm supposed to call in around 5 tonight, but I was supposed to do that these past 2 days, and to what outcome? My STOPPING IN did nothing, as he wasn't there. Also, there aren't any positions for art models left open either...looks like Rexburg Opinion Center, here I come...guh.

I'm feeling kind of suicidal right now...gyarg. No, not suicidal...but...this is kind of the feeling that I wanted to escape while I was still in Oregon...will this ever stop?

Hermitage...the life for me.

2006-01-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

So, rather than look at porn tonight, I've decided that I need to update this thing all-freakin'-ready! Sorry for the delay. Really, I have NO reason not to have posted...a bit has happened, and I've done absolutely nothing...so yeah...no excuses for me.

I'm just going to flit about randomly talking about things since last I posted.
THIS LAST SUNDAY
Damn you, shared-major-boy...DAMN YOU! This last Sunday was definately rough...no fun for teh Peculiar Mormon. First off, the day before, I had given into a large masturbation-binge...mlerf...but no porn! YAY ME (kinda....). I won't say how much, but I'll just say we can suffice to call it a "binge." So by the time I went to bed, I had that under my belt (no pun intended), and was feelin' kind of guilty...and it's so frustrating, because I KNOW it's wrong, but I still continue to do it. I've managed to stave it off in the past...why am I not now? Weakness...one of the many banes of my existence! So anyway...Sunday morning-afternoonish swung around, and so did the sacrament. I came into church, found Lizanator, and sat down with her, hoping to keep my head down in my nice new sweater, and hoping to remain unnoticed...if I managed that, then MAYBE I could manage all my meetings at church that day...but low and behold...one of my roomates, also the ward executive secretary (love the kid to death; we watch WWF and have a riot) asked me to help with the sacrament...I really didn't feel like I should have/that I wanted to in my far-less-than-statuesque-priesthoodly-example state...but what was I going to do? Make a quazi-big scene? Say that I wasn't going to, and have even MORE people in the ward stare me down? That, and I didn't want to let my roomate down...so I relented, and helped pass..."please don't let shared major boy be up there too...please don't let shared-major boy be up there too..." I said to myself...and if he was, "don't look at him" would have been my mantra. And guess WHO gets asked to say the opening prayer? That boy with facial features so defined they could cut diamonds...BLAST! Oof...his face.....gruh.....no...fight the thought.
So yeah...as if sacrament meeting couldn't get any worse, and I couldn't feel any more crappy about myself, take a wild guess at the topic of all the talks in Sacrament meeting...that's right....MISSION SERVICE! Okay, it was on 'missionary work' as well, but what really can you do for the 'missionary effort' while at a church school, I mean really? I am nice to my roomates, I clean the kitchen for them, there...service done. Actually, I really DO need to try to find some more ways to serve around here. I think it'd keep me away from the porn, and keep my hands busy with something other than....well, yeah.

I got called to be our FHE Dad...how awkward is that? Me...a calling already. When the member of the bishoprick called, I told him I'd be working alot, but it sounded good...he asked if there was anything that I needed to talk to the bishop about, and I said no...really, I don't feel like there IS, other than maybe the fact that I want his suggestion on who he might refer me to as a therapist...see if he can offer me any advice when it comes to keepin' on the straight and narrow.

I stay up toooooooo laaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

Liz, I love you. You are like, my favorite...I love that I can go over to your apartment, and now that everybody know's I'm a big gay boob in your apartment, I can come and complain and put my head in your lap, and have my head scratched, and have your roomates give me kudos for not having a boyfriend, and wanting a wife.

But I'm sick of stavin' it off...not that I want a boyfriend. I KNOW that that would lead me nowhere. I wish that I just didn't like ANYONE...I could have all the friends in the world...just not get romantic with any one person...and then I could completely devote my life to my artwork, and learning 5 languages, and I could own a dog, and have HIM be my companion...or...

I could just go and be a hermit in the woods like I've been fantasizing about lately.

In my mind, in my mind.

2006-01-18T02:28:00.000-07:00

So, this is mine...It's been my heart and soul for the past few months...it's increasing and growing....subject to change.

I
The paper stars that you've pinned up to my cieling
they're just no substitue...
For the real night sky, outside...I've got to get out - to get through

So if you want to go for a ride,
and if you want to stay alive -
Come with me, we'll find another place
Come with me - I can't stay.
These memories will fade, with time.

II
Sitting on the front porch, just staring at the cieling
What else can I do?
Because these clouds they fall around me
There are no shooting stars?
Who are you to blame when you're not really who you are?

So if you want to go for a ride,
and if you want to stay alive -
Come with me, we'll find another place
Come with me - I can't stay.
Please let me be okay - one day at a time.

So tonight of nights, 4 people have remembered what's special.
Truth is, I've got the worst case of Peter-Pan syndrome ever...bah.
I'm taking an emotional dump on a friend and he doesn't deserve it. He's a great guy. We're discussing our wants to disappear...a 3-month long train ride across Canada sounds good about now. Okay....I no longer feel compelled to write any more. I'll most likely take the lyric down after too long...I'm neurotic and paranoid that someone is going to steal my lyrics.

Nothing Hurts Like your Mouth

2006-01-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

I didn't put this blog up to start flame wars over people's views. Sorry if it sounds a bit self-centered, but it's MY blog, my place to vent, so please, respect it, and get along with eachother.

My homosexual tendencies are something that I do, at this point in my life, consider an evil. I've been told multiple times by church leaders, therapists, and friends alike that the attraction isn't the sin...the sin would be found in my acting out, if I ever did so...but that's not a fact that sticks with me right now. The Gay lifestyle is something that I can't allow myself to indulge in, so, my apologies to Hawaii Dave, but it's not something that I'm keen on "accepting." The fact that I'm attracted to men is simply not acceptable to me...and I won't ever live well with it...I appreciate your offer for support, but as it stands, I most likely won't take you, or others, up on the offer. That's not to say it's not appreciated.

To JD, I completely appreciated your sympathies, and your prayers, as well as those of anyone who might be reading this, are extremely appreciated. Having people, both homosexual and heterosexual in my corner makes this fight called life a bit easier to fight.

Now to the meat of my post -
I finally got back to Rexburg. *Sigh of Relief* Being away from my father, my mother, my siblings, people from the church back there...it's just so much of a relief. . . . . . .I have already gotten myself caught up in a love square (think love triangle, but love square)...I've got my best mate, and roomate, the girl he's currently macking on, and one of my good (girl) friends from my home town. Roomate likes his girl, my girlfriend likes roomate, I thought still kind of liked my girlfriendie friend (we dated some in high school...), and am less than pleased with my roomates new lady...I'm beginning to see the truth in the words my therapist, back in Oregon, had for me...that I hate women...I got screwed over by my mother's cowardice as a child (I'll elaborate more on that in bit), and as a consequence, hold an un-conscious disdain for women.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I just don't like the girl...she's nice, she knows about videogames, she's a cute girl...but no...mlah. Call it me being a big prick of a jealous friend, call it my unwaning loyalty to my friends, and not wanting to see them with less than their best, blame it on my disdain for women...I honestly just don't know...Infact, I need to get ahold of the counseling center here at school so I can run all this by them...get their professional opinion on the matter.

My roomates are all really cool...I think they're catching on to the fact that I'm gay, but none are freaking out about it. My ROOMATE roomate already knows and he's not afraid of me for it (thank goodness), and continues to help me out as I'm frustrated, etc.

Sunday was a killer. First off, my hair was completely unruly and totally not up to BYU standard (big woop though), so I was getting dirty looks left and right...I was used to it...but I felt like such an outsider! Back at home everybody knew me as the wallflower...but here...there simply aren't any wallflowers in my ward! It seemed almost as if I as expected to be chipper cheery Peter Priesthood...and I hate that. But here's the clincher. I go to priesthood meeting...there were a decent number of good looking guys around (another factor that's kind of got me on edge...more reason for me to stay cooped up in my apartment)...and once in particular caught my eye...I'll just say he was extremely good looking. We kept on making eye contact, and then both looked away bashfully...'He can't be gay....that'd be SUCH bad timing, and I don't know how well I could hold out!' I thought to myself...We all introduced ourselves, and announced my major...I figured I was going to be the only one with my major, since BYUI doesn't actually offer it; I'm going to have to transfer to BYU to finish my degree...low and behold - he's the same major.

'This is disasterous,' I think to myself...and of course, me being the flirtatious, curious dork that I am, I had to go and introduce myself, and talk it up with the kid a bit...he's just good looking. I ended up having to run back and forth to the laundry room about 10 times last night, and looked at his door everytime...looked at his window, thinking maybe he'd be standing nearby it so I could catch a peek at him...thank goodness the blinds were closed...but bah! I hate all the pretty boys! There are too many good looking mormons!

I Need to See the Real Night Sky, Outside

2006-01-01T18:19:00.001-07:00

Once again, I must make my point, however odd it might be, about the whole pawnshop friend thing. I'm there to be the butt of everybody's joke. I constantly get told to shut up, or stop talking, or, quit making stupid comments, or whatever. And yet these people are my 'friends'? I'll blame it on my "sucker for punishment" personality type.

To put it shortly, New Years Eve sucked...topped off with a dab of guilt. Add a dash of insecurity because I know that I'll never live up to my New Year's Resolution to kick porn...I know I'm going to try, but I'm just not going to do it in the end...ya ya ya...say that, and you never will. All I really want is just to be happy again. I want to, for once, not feel any twinge of guilt, or fear anyone...be able to exist in harmony with everything around me. And all that doesn't add to getting treated like crap by my friends...the ONLY friends I have here in my parent's town...everybody else is gone...the only people I go to for social interaction, and I get bashed...and when I try to defend myself? They say "you're being too uptight." One friend was making repeated comments about "Jesus Lion," talking about Aslan from the Lion/witch/wardrobe. Funny enough, I wasn't too offended by it....but when it climbs to the point of sacrelige because said "friend" is saying "Jesus Lion" every 5 seconds...calling me to bow down and repent before Jesus Lion, I get shot down. "Quit being so uptight!" Thanks...the constant repetetion started to grate on my nerves, and so I said to cut it out...Far less caustic than "shut up, you're making gay comments." And I'm the uptight one.

"It's just in our character to be rude, and mean," I was told. If you're not willing to change something as minimal as NOT making fun of one friend, are you really worth being that person's friend in the end? When they pass off that rudeness as "tough love," and expect you to just deal with insults grating on your paternally-instilled inferiority complex, is it so outrageous to be able to expect your friends to concede, and make things a little bit easier on you?

So remember forever ago when I said that I thought my boss was gay? I was right. Yesterday was my last day at the store I worked at, and as such, following my resignation papers, I posed the question: "So, you remember that one question I was going to ask you that one night?" (I was going to ask him, but stopped myself short, because I wasn't sure if it was something that could get me into trouble with the company or not...kind of like asking about religeon at work...it's a no-no). "Ya, I remember," he said as he started to smirk....pause....he knew EXACTLY what that question was...."well......are you?" I stammered? "Yeah," he said. Victory was mine.

Now, it's not a case of me thinking he's attractive...naw, he's shorter than me, and smaller, and has red hair....blah. Were I to go for a guy, my boss was DEFINATELY not my type. I mean...he's good looking and all, but neh...nope not my type.

Anyway...yeah.

I need to go pack my bags for Rexburg. Oh joyous Rexburg. Hopefully I'll find something that'll lift my spirits over there, other than just being out of reach of my father...I'm not going to expect to not be depressed once I'm out of here...I've had to come to the reallization that I've got issues that I've left unchecked for far too many years, and have been forced to face them...depression, most likely, won't leave for a little while.

I've been Tryin' to Nod my Head, but it's like I've Got a Broken Neck

2005-12-29T00:09:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know about this movie, others may not...but regardless here's what's been on my mind lately. Brokeback Mountain. The "Gay Cowboy" movie...and I really want to see it. Not entirely because there's a gay sex scene in it...not entirely because both the lead actors are both people I consider extremely attractive, but because the director is amazing, the actors are amazing, the story looks so tragically romantically depressing, and I feel like I can relate...and for those reasons, I feel like crap...eh, I just feel like gravity has taken a hate to me as of late as a general...I feel so heavy.

I feel like my friends have made themselves scarce...I understand, what with people getting sick due to the season, and people having their own issues to deal with, people are going to be a bit distant...a little bit out of reach....but....all of my friends are like that. Be it a grumpy-when-around-you disposition (which could completely just be due to "I feel like my brain is full of snot" sickness), or the lack of contact that others have had with me over the past recent while, I feel like I've depreciated in value as a friend. Kind of like the item you sold to the pawn shop, but end up seeing everytime you come in to buy other items...steadily decreasing in value, yet never picked up and purchased...and that was quite possibly the worst metaphore ever.

I finally get to go see my therapist again tomorrow...God bless that man. He gets me talking, and he gets me reallizing things that need to be reallized...even if, as he's said, I might end up forgetting something 15 minutes after a session, it gets me thinking, and that's what matters.

I want to be loved by someone...I really don't know who, but I want someone to need me. I've never been needed and needed that person in return.

I feel like an ungreatful slob sometimes...

I am finally getting back to Rexburg this next wednesday. Halleluja...hopefully I'll make more friends...hopefully I'll get a job. Hopefully I'll be motivated enough to read my scriptures daily, stop masturbating to gay porn, and get my life in check.

Speaking of such, I haven't had any 'encounters' for the past while...none this week, so far. None since Christmas. Yay me........(riiight....yay me.....hah.)

I've been wanting so badly to act out today and part of yesterday that I'm surprised I haven't done anything in that direction. It's fully come to my attention that when I'm either more depressed than usual, or emotionally hurt/angry at someone (most often my dad) is when I end up acting out, and porn-bingeing....no good. I don't know if it's me telling myself that "it'll feel good, so you'll feel better." I don't know if it's me using the endorphines released from masturbation...I really don't know. All I know is that I feel guilty after it...It used to be shame...me wanting to fling myself from the window after messing up...and it's not to say that I don't feel bad after messing up with porn or masturbation, but now it's more GUILT....not shame.

GUILT - "Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong."
SHAME - "1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
2. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?
3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy; a great disappointment. "

So...yeah.

I'm gonna go try to feel some acceptance and hope the friends I hang out with will give it to me.

Until next time....which will hopefully be sooner than later.

What to do when your father's a prick...

2005-12-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

How Ironic that the two pictures I was torn between using were these:

and

So...Today, work was exhausting...and now that my throat is starting to hurt (sore throat), I'm beginning to reallize why...I'm getting sick, and that just adds a bucketload of stress I don't need....I'm gonna try to not let it get me down, and not let it make me more worn down. But yes...exhausted by the end of the workday...it could also be attributed to the lack of time spent off my feet, and rushing around like mad, and dealing with quazi-disgrunteled customers...I just say I'll not worry about it...but the face of the little kid I had to tell "no, you can't get a refund" burns a hole in me...makes me feel like a punk.

So my boss hates me now, I think...I've been speculating, since I met him, that he's gay, but just doesn't want to tell anyone (I don't blame him...admitting it, especially when you're an ex-mormon, isn't an easy thing, I'm sure!)...anyway. The other day I was an inch away from asking him..."I want to ask a question, but I'm not sure if it'd get me in trouble or not...like the whole "not supposed to ask others about their religion at work" thing...I think he caught on, so he said "then it's probably better left unasked. He just WREAKS "SSA." Anyway, really it's none of my business, so I'll not worry about it.

The other night, apparantly, I forgot to fill something out in the 'nightly closeout' book...twice in a row, I guess...so now he wants to wright me up for it...and me being the paranoid doofus I am, I think it's because he's reallized that I think he's gay....gosh, I need to update, so I can rething my mental processes more often...it DOES seem kind of illogical...and I'm the only person who'd have come up with that train of thought...Anyway...yeah. Work minidrama continues...and I'll be free of it in 2 weeks...at least from THIS retail store.

Upon coming home I took my little brother out, and we got stuff to work on a T-Shirt he wanted made for christmas. I actually feel kind of bad....it didn't turn out ANYTHING like he wanted it to...but I'm making him stick with it. I had just sit down to start cutting out the pattern, turned on some movie on the TV, and dad walks in and changes the channel and puts in a DVD. I was OBVIOUSLY watching something! So, exaspiratedly, I get up from the couch, and walk into the den to finish the pattern...so he shouts over the TV and gripes at me. "I don't want you cutting/gluing that on the carpet! You'll screw up and get rubber cement on the carpet...No, I'm not doubting your artistic skills, but what if?
Thanks dad...REAL confidence...you sound SO truthful!
So, I grab what I was working on, and vault myself up the stairs..."are you angry or something?" I wanted to throw the exacto knife I as using at him...."You shouldn't have to ask that question," I blurted, and continued up the stairs...

I expressed my feelings to mom, since I certainly can't do it to dad, and haven't talked to him since. I'm waiting for him to apologize...let's see how long it takes before I go before breaking down and trying to get him to talk to ME. It's completely pathetic, I MUST say..."I honestly don't see how you're married to him, Mom," I told her...she's the sweetest person I know, and he's completely wretched..."When you're married, you tend to learn how to look at the positives, rather than the negatives," she said....I suppose that's a virtue I'll have to wait for marriage to learn.

I haven't, since last post, been doing the best with pornography and masturbation....BUT, the past 2 days I've been SO much better. I kept on finding myself in pitfalls...I'd run into something that would trigger me, and boom....porn binge....But a friend of mine, also an SSA guy, and I are daring eachother not to do that stupid junk, day by day. So far, we've both been doing pretty good. Just challenged eachother to go tomorrow without either as well. This could be the start of a good good pattern.

I was looking around on the BYUI website, trying to figure out how to add night classes today, and while on the website, looking at religion courses, etc, things just felt right. I've had knots in my stomach while contemplating going back to school, but I really don't think I need to worry...things are going to fall back into place...I'm going to be going to where I need to be...I think Heavenly Father wants me there right now...I'm gonna try to put myself in his hands again.....I'm gonna try to trust...I'm gonna try to start reading my scriptures and praying again....and I think I'm gonna try to start now.

And now that it's 1am, and I have to be up in 6 hours, I'm going to leave the glow of my computer screen, which I've been staring at for hours tonight, playing games (hehe!), and read my scriptures, pray, and sleep....and much tea, and much vitamin C...and try to not stay up this late tomorrow night!

I'm leaving this entry feeling hopeful at the thought of Idaho...trying to ignore the marr on my day laid by my father.

Loss of Guilt? No...forgiveness....?

2005-12-14T14:53:00.000-07:00

So, in my current position, I should be dragging my knuckles due to utter disappointment in myself...last night I burned out, and gave into temptation horribly...ended up staying up 'till about 4:30 am, just staring at filth...and it was a horrible thing. I wish that I could say that my stomach turns at the thought of the things I saw, but I'm trying not to reflect on them...needless to say I "screwed up."

But this morning, I'm not sure if it's me feeling like last night was a dream, or if it's some kind of change in me, but I'm not wanting to kill myself. I recognise what I did was wrong...I want to avoid it in the future...but I'm not left with a want for my destruction. Perhaps I've been granted some kind of light into how Christ feels...he's forgiven me, and so I've got to just let things that are done go, and try to move on...try to forgive myself, and move on with life.

A part of me feels completely guilty, not for looking at porn and masturbating (though I do feel guilty for that), but for the LACK of extreme guilt that I would have experienced, were this situation to have faced me a month ago. People have been telling me that I've been taking it out too hard on myself...I kind of agree with them, but for the mostpart I felt like I NEEDED to take it out hard on myself. But today, I just feel like I need to try to take things one day at a time, and not kill myself for things that I can't change because they were in the past. That's an extremely foreign feeling for me, but today, I'm going to accept it. I've been given this as a gift, or something. I'm hoping that it's just something that's come from light, and not lies.

I'm trying to analyze the situation carefully...I can see how it would be a divine thing, but also can see the possible taint of shadow within it. Were I to take this feeling to excess, then I'd spiral down into a debaucherous pit, the likes of which I doubt I'd be able to pull myself from. Am I to take it facing the light, which I plan to do, then it might be the window for me to enter back into my own good graces. I'm going to take it as the second, and try to put on the blinders of hopeless optimism...especially after having cynicism garner my peripheral vision for so long.

I'm going to give it a shot.

I'll write again, probably tomorrow, and report on my progress.

Subject: .....

2005-12-06T03:54:00.000-07:00

I didn't feel like typing all of this twice, so here's an email I sent to a friend of mine who'se serving his mission abroad. No, not a plea for help...just how my weekend was.......
==========
(name removed)...I dont know who else to turn to...I haven't acted out or anything. I'm still going to church...I'm still working a job and living with my parents. I'm supposed to be going to Rexburg first thing in January, but right now I'm just not stable. Sorry for having not written you in ages, but now is better than later.

Let me tell you about my weekend...I'm gonna try my hardest to do this all without swearing (a bad habit I've picked back up on)...
Saturday - Heck...I don't even remember saturday...all I know is that I ended up messing up...as in masturbation. Gyah...It's been my bane since I've been home. Didn't happen in the MTC, or for about 7 months before, but about a month after I got home...I slipped back into it.

Sunday - I wasn't having the best night Sat. night, so monday morning wasn't the best. I woke up later than I wanted to, was a little bit late to church...didn't get to shower beforehand. It was fast/testimony meeting. I've got a friend who'se dealt with some pretty intense emotional struggles as well...only her relationship in regards to me seemed to be more than a little bit co-dependant...as in she was clingy as heck, and that freaked me out, because I can't handle people being clingy on me...yet....I'm as clingy as I am...eh, i'm a hypocrite. Anyway, I had to finally tell her "I can't help you any more...I've helped you with your emotional problems as much as I can, I need to help ME some." I couldn't handle stresses from her any longer, so I cut off communication. This girl shouldn't have even been in the singles ward that sunday...she's only just turned 18, is still a Senior in high school. Anyway, over the pulpit she was spouting off all this stuff about "if you have someone who you care about, but who may be going off to college soon, or leaving the city, or whatever (blatanly pointed at me, as I'm leaving for Rexburg in Jan), you need to let them know how much you care for them, how much you need them and their influence..." etc etc etc....in essence, a big fat guilt trip over the pulpit. Usually I try my hardest to NOT get offended at church...I reallize that it's PEOPLE that make mistakes in the CHURCH, the GOSPEL is perfect. But I simply couldn't handle this. As I've done in a couple weeks past, I left church right after sacrament meeting. I know I sound horrible saying this, but church has been a waste of time...what the heck is happening to me, clark? I used to be so enthused? I'm spiritually flattened...my testimony is so thin...I feel like I'm going inactive....and I try to keep myself afloat, but I'm sinking...

Anyway...I leave early...after sacrament.... I come home...I listen to music on the computer..contemplate myself....feel horrible....crying....i go to my room to play some guitar, hopefully cheer up some...I fall asleep after a little bit more crying....I wake up and go to a meeting at work (I had to work on sunday....not too keen on that, but it was mandatory, so I didn't have much of a choice). The meeting was fine...kind of pointless, but oh well. After the meeting, I offered to give one co-worker a ride home because I was headed over to the next town over (where he lives) anyway to see a friend (he and I hang out alot, actually...he had to come home from his mish early on medical too...nice to be able to relate). Another co-worker asks for a ride. I'm happy to give them both rides. I give co-worker 2 a ride to his house ('cause it's here in town)(I know i'm rambling, but bear with me), and on the ride back, I call (name also removed..."roomate" will suffice).

Roomate was going to be coming over here to Oregon to drive back to Rexburg with me...it's a 13 hr drive from oregon, and getting to see him again so soon was something that i really had my heart set on...he had to call his family to see if they wanted him home for christmas, but was pretty sure that he'd be coming to Oregon anyways...I find out roomate's not coming.....and thus i'm super bummed. This was one of the few things I'd been looking forward to since I had to come home...roomate and I, road trippin' it back to Idaho. Lots of fun times with one of the few people that I trust with every fiber of my being.....and that's a no-go now.

So i call friend from next town over and his dad says that he's asleep...which was good, because he hadn't been able to fall asleep the night before because of medical reasons. I'm happy for said friend at the same time that I'm bummed that all my plans for the evening have just been dashed...oh well tho...better for him to be good than me to have plans.... By this point, my night is ruined...I figure I'll just go home, and go to sleep...the rest of the night isn't worth facing, really.

So i take co-worker 1 home...all the while I'm driving to his house....the thought of going home and killing myself is ever-present. I know what you're thinking, friend..."whoa, back up...KILL yourself?!" But that's what I've got....the thought's there right now...and if not kill myself, harm myself somehow....probably end up cutting myself or something....which I haven't ever done...and don't know if I'd ever have the balls to try, because i'm as gutless as I am. Even with the medication that I'm on...I still have the want to be free from this mortal coil. Yes, it's deception, or so my intellect tells me...but what do my feelings say? It'd be an escape...I'd be getting free from these pains...free from being a burden to everyone around me....and maybe God will understand...I can't fight this any longer....and asking for help hasn't done me any good....thats why I've stopped...my prayers are infrequent, as is my scripture study....I just want to be done....I want to have a rest.

Well, needless to say, I didn't kill myself....and I didn't try either. My car broke down outside employee 1's house after dropping him off....so dad had to come get me. Dad and I dont' get along very well. If we're forced into tight quarters (IE, his truck) for an extended period of time, there's uncomfortable discussion, there's him not understanding me in the least, and there's me crying.....all happened last night, as we were cramped in his truck for 3 hours waiting for the bloody tow truck.

I'm not even 20 years old yet, and I'm facing a quarter-life crisis....how is this fair in God's eyes? What've I done to get this? Obviously I didn't choose to have this affliction in the life before this one...or if I did, i wish I would have seen full well what I'd be going through, because I must not have seen it....I'm enduring emotional hell...and I just want a jet engine to fall from a plane, crash into my room and end my existence right about now............bleak, i know, but frank and honest as I know i can be with you, that's how I feel.

so here I am tonight. Desparate...alone....all the rest of the house is asleep, and it's 3am. I've tried calling one person, but she's asleep...there's nobody else to talk to who'd understand.
==============================

Ya...i'm going to go try to sleep now.

Mama tried to wash their faces, but these kids, they've lost their graces

2005-12-03T04:57:00.000-07:00

Sounds melodramatic, but that's how I feel...gosh, I need to not listen to Damien Rice when I'm depressed...on one hand, somehow Irish musicians tend to hit the spot when I'm depressed (thus making me more depressed), and second, it makes me think of a really good friend, off on his mission in Croatia, that plays the cello. Meh...It's better for me to listen to my depressing music and sit in my sweet sulking than to masturbate, feel like crap afterwards, and then hate myself...music just gives me something to aid in my lamenting...completely healthy and unhedonistic after a physical fashion.

I've not been doing the best with masturbation earlier this week...that or pornography. Yes, I reallize that 80% of all males are involved in one, the other, or both, but I've never felt like I was 'like everyone else,' which, consequently, is one of the reasons I've got the emotional baggage I'm lugging about. In childhood I felt like I was different than the other boys...and boys will be boys...except for me....and they feared what they didn't understand. The girls did. Women had become revered as something to be honored, cherrished and protected, all good things, but put into an unreallistic scale in my childhood. Men, males and boys became the epitome of masculination and as I could identify with the girls, intimidating, and eventually the fascination I developed, due to my lack of knowedge, became sexuallized...and bada boom. Here you have me...19 year old with same-sex attraction issues.

If you throw into the mix that my father and I have never really gotten along, and I don't feel I can trust him (never really have...he's never been there for me), then you have the combinations that have brought me to my depression, anxiety and paranoia. No, I'm not blaming them...that's the hard thing. My counselor (who is awesome, by the way) has suggested that I look at my parents with an extremely critical eye...They've always been placed on a pedistal...me constantly feeling the need to over-achieve to be noticed by my father, and my being reenforced for it by my brother have brought me to this emotional standstill.

....but enough psychology.....

I've been working alot. Not as much as I would like, but more at times...I end up wanting to dodge out early on frequent occasions, but stick with it for the money. I've got my apartment reserved in Rexburg, and now I just wait until I get to drive over there. I will have a car, and my parents are putting me on Triple A, which is an immense stress relief (both having the car, and AAA)...

I've been able to cut back on my swearing significantly in the past week...I'm optimistically saying that, maybe wanting it to be the start of my 'oming around.' Me reading my scriptures daily and praying again...my feeling at place at church...me brushing my teeth everyday.

As for now, I'm kind of rambling because my eyes are having a hard time staying shut, but my fingers and brain don't want to quit...so I'll type with eyes closed.

I've been really missing my best mate lately. We've been text messaging back and forth alot tonight, and its' really good to be able to hear from him. I jus thope that there's reciprocity. He's really been one of the only people I feel I can trust.

Anyway...I need to go to bed. My eyelids aren't staying open long enough to proof-read, and soon, i fear, i'll reach incoherence.

Nigh

Need a Catharsis

2005-11-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

Nobody knows what's going on. Friends are clueless...well....not entirely clueless...I just hate to carry on. I know it sounds oh so grim, and oh so 'look at me,' but I really am tired of putting up with my life at present. As I drove home tonight, the reallization of just how easily I could careen into another car flooded my mind...but then, thinking of the mechanics of the situation, that would lead me into causing the other driver's death as well...my death won't be something to directly, physically affect anyone else...so as tempting as the possibly instant end-all scenario of driving into another car is, that one's a no go. Then there was the thought of just careening off the side of the road...but then i reallized I'd most likely just end up with a bad case of whiplash, and no car....there isn't anything tall enough, here, to drop off of...none of that.
I suppose that me walking in front of the freeway and getting squashed to jam would be an alternative, but then the 'injuring other people' factor comes back in...so no. The want to cut my wrists, as overused and over-romanticized in the teen counter-culture has been an idea....but then there's just that...a head-on collision with the teen counter-culture...gag me with a spoon....that collision, and the fact that I'd be doing it more as a means to punish myself for being a horrible person, AND my lack of a pain tolerance (and lack of a place that would be easiliy hideable) are, at present, preventing me from doing so....still, were anything of a like manner to happen, that's most likely what I would do....I've got a razor blade in my room...used for craft ideas etc...I've been keeping myself from it...I'm trying to continue to.

I tried getting ahold of another friend...he couldn't be bothered...he still has my trust...not that my other friend has lost it, but just battered it around a little bit, as I accept how he copes with 'effectionate displays.' Anyway...he won't be home till 4 am...and I have to work at 7 am...I need someone to talk to...I need someone to need me. It's always a matter of me being the one in need...I'm never important to anyone...sure they'll say it...sure they'll try and mean it, but who REALLY depends on me? Whose happiness is greatly marginal on my own? Nobody's, that's who. Not my roomate, not my family, not my friends, not my 'acquantences.' Nobody...and I get pushed away if I try to need anyone else...a perfect compliment.

I really don't think I have the guts to do it...to do any of it...if I do, I'll be surprised...

I just wish there was someone to have me...someone for me to rely on...to be good enough for someone else...

My life: in twain

2005-11-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

My "Father." The man responsible for my birth...we haven't talked in over a day...and as much as part of me wants to be able to put this behind me, the other knows that I'd only be making more excuses for you. You've emotionally mutilated me for ages...robbing me of identifying with you...keeping your support for my endeavors scarce. That's why I'm this wreck. Due to my constant need and lack of approval from you, I've become a machine hellbent on doing whatever it takes to impress people...because I had to hellbend myself to impress YOU. It's all I've known.

Emotional abuse.

Today I am a walking anxiety attack. Working 10+ hours a day, everday for the past 4 days has been more taxing than I can put into words. Atop that, I ran out of medication last night, so staying alive was a fight this morning...how I wished that I could just disappear...not that I so much wanted to kill myself, as just feel something other than exquisite agony. I went to sleep at 4...woke up at 9...and work was busier than I've seen it before. Constant prodding...children screaming...rush rush rush rush. I'm almost relieved that they're cutting my hours back as much as they are...definately NOT relieved that I'll be getting a miniscule paycheck for this next month...but I suppose I'll have to deal with it. More on job #1 later.

My father and I got into an argument the night before last...I had just come home from working for 9 hours at job #2, was dog tired, sick of disgruntled customers, wanting their videogame systems that had yet to be released, and was already emotionally bent out of shape. My sister had, the night before, acquired a vintage peacoat that had belonged to my father (from my brother), and given it to me, knowing how much I'd LOVE something like that. First think that happens when I walk in the door, "hey, why are you wearing my peacoat?" I had explained that he had given it to my brother, and my sister had gotten it from him for me. "I only let him BORROW it," he growled...he forgot to mention that he had let my brother borrow it a meager 5 years prior. Submissive as I have been in these past months, I decided to put up no contest, and relinquish posession of such a short-lived joy. Oh well...so I'll be coatless in Rexburg. As I began to climb the 13 steps to my bedroom, he beckoned for me again. "Come down here!" "What?!" I asked, getting exaspirated. Surely, if there was something he could ask me on the ground floor of his house, he could ask it whilst I stood on the stairs. But no.

I marched down the stairs, and said in slightly elevated tone "what?!"
"That's the second time you've raised your voice to me tonight, and I will NOT tolerate it any more! I'm sick of it!" He went on to mumble something about me needing to pay for part of my portion of the cell phone bill...something miniscule...something inconsequential that he could have written to me in a note, or discussed over a meal, and had it not have any such reprocussions...but I had come to my breaking point...I refuse any further emotional manipulation.

I left the house that night...and when I left, this was no longer my home. It's not mine anymore. There is a room that I live in, and there are my things in it...but it's not my room. There is the car that I drive, and I use almost exclusively, but its not my car...they all belong to him, and if he's belligerant enough to use those against me, so be it. I'll let go of the rope in this game of tug-of-war...He can fall on his ass, I don't care if I lose the game...it'll be worth it to see him unsupported by my back-breaking efforts.

Now I am without a place to call my own...I keep wasting money on a computer that'll never be finished (actually, come weds, it should be), but have only $250 in my bank account...$60 needs to go for tithing, $100 for my housing application, and I need money to get back TO Rexburg, not to mention food, and whatever else...I've only got maybe 3 more paychecks coming...I'm fucked.

Job #1 is cutting my hours...I work 2 days out of the whole month, and it seems that one of the owners just DISLIKES me...blatantly and outright...as such, I find myself overachieving to try to compensate...and I'm killing myself by doing it.

The thought of damaging myself so as to punish myself for being the horrible person I am is more and more strong with each passing morning. No, I haven't cut my wrists, burned myself or done any other act of self inflicted injury...but I don't know how far off I am.

I am an 'abomination against God,' as the for the strength of youth pamphlet stated about homosexuality....
I should be punished
I am NOT budgeting well, but giving into personal rewards that I really haven't earned (at least I don't feel like I've earned the right to hedonize in this non-carnal manner)
I should be punished
I'm a freeloader...relying on my parents at the age of 20...I should be self-sufficient
I should be punished
I masturbate
I should be punished
I have impure thoughts that run through my head, and can't/don't stop them
I should be punished
I don't read my scriptures/pray...nobody answers...
I should be punished

Small Victories, But Now She's not Important

2005-11-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

So, today my determination was set (kind of) to not mess up with the big, nast M word. And I didn't. Hurrah. I'm getting ready for work, and have nothing better to do, before putting on my socks, than write a small entry. (Mental Note...SMALL)

I just got my paycheck, and it is soooo good to have money. Too bad I'm blowing a decent amount of it right off the batt, tonight, buying the rest of my computer parts. And then another 100 of the 500 I've been saving is going down on my housing deposit, and another 50 (at least) to tithing. FOOOOOWSH! It's okay though. I'll have enough money to scrape by for the next 2 weeks, and then I can actually start SAVING for school expenses. Mom and Dad want to sit me down and discuss my financial stuff with them...how much everything is going to cost...how much I plan on spending...me finally cornering them into letting me have the car. Myarh. (pardon my intelligable noises...they're better than swearing).

That's another thing I've been doing well with lately...I haven't been swearing NEAR as much as I was. I'm trying to get thsoe around me to cut back on it as well...don't wanna be all pushy though.

Last night I lost a friend. She became an acquaintence...no longer given to being in my circle of 'friends,' which has been contratcing more and more with each passing week. I've told people about my problems, and more and more of those that I've told have started pushing themselves away from me, or I have done the same out of shame...but this one...she refuses to relent, and see the world from another's point of view. She's trapped in her little 'my life is perfect, and nothing ever goes wrong with me' bubble, high atop her soapbox. People who strut about like great spiritual rooster make me want to grab a proverbial shotgun, and have chicken noodle soup for dinner. Anyway, I don't plan on talking to her much more, if ever again. There are some people, I've learned, that aren't worth my time...aren't worth being in my life. I learned that with Rick, that he was just too much of a hassle for me to deal with...and now with Christine, I've just decided that she's not important to me as a friend. She's someone I know, and only that.

Time to eat a quick lunch, and then work from 2-10. FOOWF!

I've got canker sores like a madman...YEEOWJH! Anybody know any good sure-fire, quick cures for canker sores? I think it's been the sleep deprivation, stress and bad diet...meep.

Nightmares and Nobody to Talk to

2005-11-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

I ran out of medicaiton last night...there really was nothing I could do. I still need to set up an appointment with my physician to get my Rx filled, finally, but just a word to whomever reads this: If it sounds overly morose, depressed, or all together a desparate cry for help, just know that my medication wore off as I was sleeping last night, and I have yet to go and get some more from my Mom's office.

Nightmares and migranes...that's what I get for not taking my medication...what I get for letting myself run out, even for a day. How can things be this bad? I just found out that a friend got in a car accident, almost died. I just went and answered the phone, and then layed down on the bed with my kitty, and tried to pet him, and he walked away. That might seem like insignificant drivvel, but that just broke my heart. I don't want to say that that's what ruined my day, but that's the point when I reallized that today is just failed...already. I've only been up 15 minutes, and it already is enough to make me want to fling myself over a cliff. [know that I have no INTENTIONS of doing so, just the want, and that's due to the lack of medication]

How is it fair that Satan can use something MEDICAL, like depression against us? Its completely not fair...as of right now I am doing NOTHING to contrary to the teachings of the Gospel. I've been trying to read my scriptures, trying to cut back on my swearing, working my butt off, have plans to pay my tithing today, haven't masturbated in about a week [trying to stop, yet again...though I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't tempted], caught myself before looking at porn...I'm typically doing a good job...and yet, still, when I'm not on some blasted medication, my psychie is still ravaged by a depression, the root of which I'm not even certain as to the source.

I say I'm not certain as to the source, because, while still attracted to men, lately I've been trying to just put it out of my mind. I've got plans to move forward with my life, and I feel good about them, and following the path of homosexuality is NOT included in them. I've even been toying with the idea of dating girls...I want to date girls again [though, ever girl I have the almost-guts to talk to about dating, I then find out, is taken]...I should be doing good, right? According to my reasoning, yes...but here I am, unmedicated, and still miserable.

I have to work tonight, and I feel like I'm getting sick...that's what I get for working 50+ hours a week...but the money is soo good...not good enough, but making money is good...and when I'm working, I rarely if ever think of my SSA problems. Me working my butt off is a good thing.

I'd better go drive up to get that medication from my mom before this migrane turns worse, and before I turn full-fledged suicidal...I'm going to continue to try to look on the positive...I'm going to try to read my scriptures...I'm going to try to pray...I'm going to try to be a good boy. I'm going to try to gain the approval of the male figures in my life, when I know/feel that I never will...maybe that's why I have a hard time trusting God? Because I don't trust my own father, and thus, how could any kind of Father be trustworthy? My Heavenly Father is supposed to be a glorified model of what MY father is, right? To the maximum extent...still not a comforting idea...I still have a hard time trusting. I suppose I'll tell him that.

Fights and Fornication

2005-10-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

No, I didn't fornicate...no masturbation or porn either, so don't worry.

I did, however, get into a fight...who with? The man responsible for my birth, of course...that sounds extremely standoffish of me, but I'm in a crappy mood right now, and it's MY blog, so I'll speak how I feel...I'm not referring to him as my father right at the moment...We got into a stupid fight about something stupid, of course. My mom had read a letter of mine that I had left out, and she had commented on it, and I told her that I didn't like her reading my mail (He wasn't there during dinner...merf...)...I hadn't even finished reading the letter in the first place, and me getting mail that actually matters is a rarity...so I was excited to finish it...but she read it...it could have been ANYTHING in that letter...could have been some plans to make a rendevouz with some male companion (if I ever had the balls/sex appeal enough to pull something like that off), or it could have been a letter from a friend across the country. This one happened to be from a friend who is serving his mission in Costa Rica, whom I had met at school.

>>Fast Forward>> After dinner, I was helping clean up, mom was at choir practice, and her worse half and I were in the kitchen, and we were cleaning stuff up, at mom's request...me cleaning the counters, he was washing dishes. As I collected the letter from the counter, I commented on my displeasure at her reading my mail...blunt, out there statement...not a question, not looking for much of a response...and my father, ever looking to have higher ground than me, decided to turn it into an argument...this, I didn't want...he kept on trying to turn it into such, until I decided to finally just cut it off. I left what I was doing, collected my shoes, and left. Thank goodness Will's house is always available as an escape. We did, generally, nothing, but nothing was something in this situation, as it gave me time to just get away from an unsavory situation.

I don't really get angry anymore...I used to be an extremely hot-tempered person...now I'm just intolerant. Instead of charging into a debate with my sleeves rolled up, I, instead, become a recondite recluse, and shy away from confrontation. I don't get angry, as much frustrated. Not so much hot-tempered as aloof. And that's the way I want it. I don't hurt anybody, and nobody can get to me. I'm able to receed into my bubble, which I used to stretch out of so often, and be safe. I used to be quite the opposite. I was always encouraged to 'get outside my comfort zone,' which I did with reckless abandon...and now, it's time for me to take some comfort, and stay well inside my comfort-territory.

Let's see...what's been good?

+I wore a white shirt and tie for 3rd time at church since I've been home from my mission...trying to be what I know I should be...striving to be a worthy priesthood holder.
+I worked 36 hours this last week...my heels are suffering and hurting because of it, but the money will be well worth it. Tomorrow I work from 9:30am till 8pm...goooosh...both jobs...mucho dinero.
+I'm downloading Lisa Loeb, and listening to Tracy Chapman...good, calming, lamentful music...soothing for my soul. Gosh, I sound like so the typical emo-child...somebody shoot me already.

I've been contemplating, on the skirts of my mind, the prospect of disappearing...yet again contemplating that temptuous sweet, shiny apple. I'd only tell one person where I was going, and what my new name would be. I'd get my birth certificate changed...my social security altered...the me that people know would cease to exist. And my alias would be an orphen...my children would never know my parents, if I have children (which I hope for), but they'd have my wife's parents for grandparents...my 'parents' would have abandonned me, and I would have grown up in Oregon...been emotionally abused, and finally abandonned those who had treated me so badly...not that the maternal figure in my upbringing would be the villan, but my paternal character would be he who carries a black mark on his name...and not only him, but more the emotional situation I was brought up in.

I don't know why I concoct fantasies like that...operating under a false guise...faking my death so as to escape. I wouldn't have the balls to pull it off, nor the means.

I have to be up early, so I'm going to surrender to sleep.

Frugality VS. Quality

2005-10-22T03:00:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I can't give you attention. I know you're in pain, and I know you're trying to focus on other people. I know how helping other people can help give a sense of security and safety...stability, but you can't be stable without a foundation. And that foundation requires that you accept help that is available for your problems. Take anti-depressants, get institutionalized, whatever it takes to get you to stop carving your arms up. Whatever it takes to get you to stop fantasizing about poisoning yourself, or wishing you were in the middle of a plane crash.

We deal with our problems for a reason...many of us, myself included, are trying to figure out why...'why me?' I ask it everyday...but I'm trying hard to accept that God just knows better than we do...you don't deserve to die. You die when God says you can die. You're not trash, because God don't make no trash. I'm writing this for you as much as I am for me. Heaven knows that I'll need to look back on this journal entry, and remember how I'm feeling right now. So put away your plastic mask...acknowledge that you have problems, and let other people in to help you...don't push the 'adults' out of your life, because look at who YOU are...you're a big girl now...YOU are almost an adult.

I can't give you any more attention, because I need to work on fixing me, and I encourage you to do likewise. You know I hate your 3-letter name...because I know the lie that it is. Stop starving yourself in fasting for me, and stop spending every ounce of prayer in your frame on me. If I need your help, you know I'll ask for it...but it's like you're cramming help down my throat...not that it's not appreciated, but you can't force things on people.
(You know who you are, and you know how you need to take this message)
====================
That aside, I feel like disappearing, almost, again. I reflected on the fact that I've never let my fingerprints get taken...when I was a little kid...I always refused to get them taken...what if I ended up being a criminal? What if I were a spy? What if I ever needed the ability to just disappear later in life? These thought actually ran through my pre-pubescent mind...pretty wild.

I completely miss the security of my friends at Idaho. I know most of my guy friends will be gone, but right now I need Jared on my right, and Liz on my left...I compare being here at home to riding my bike on top of a brick wall, as opposed to (Idaho) being a monorail running on its track...secure, and smooth...set in place, not really being able to get astray in any way.

I'm not severely depressed right now, but I think I just need the sleep. I've been working like mad, and just got a paycheck today (it was much smaller than I expected...MUCH smaller). Next one had better be alot bigger, or I'm going to contemplate my future employment...maybe I'll just go straight for Rexburg. My heels hurt. I wish we had more chocolate in the house. The bath-tub is all clogged up...we need drain-o. We're also out of mayo. Mom needs to go grocery shopping, and I want wheat-thins.
It's gonna suck not having Mom to buy me groceries when I'm at school...but the independance will be SO worth it...to buy real butter, not margerine...to buy the best quality everything, and be a health nut, because I know that I deserve it...letting student loans and paychecks go towards quality and not frugality.

Alright, time to sleep.

But sin crept in

2005-10-19T13:21:00.000-06:00

Well, last night, I thought I was doin' okay...I figured sleep would take me...but sin crept in instead...essentially an encounter with P & M...time to start over again...I am NOT going to beat myself up so bad over this one.

Okay, that's all. I have an appointment with a new shrink today...deals specifically with Same-sex attraction...this should help, I hope. Wish me luck, and hope he's covered by my insurance.

I Haven't Disappeared Yet....

2005-10-18T03:39:00.000-06:00

So, I'm still here...still alive...still breathing...still undamaged (physically). Still chaste, still struggling, still going to church.

Direct after work today, Dad and I got into another 'conversation.' Earlier in the day, my mom had left a note on my bed, quoting a chapter in Alma...a calling to repentance, in essence. According to my father, he and my mother see me drifting further and further from the church...I'm not drifting from the church, I'm just trying to hang on...and them smothering me doesn't help. I, multiple times, tried to break off communication with him...tried to stop the conversation. "I don't want to get into this, because I don't want to end up bawling my eyes out, and if we continue, that's just what's going to happen." And what do you know? The issue continued to be dogged...I rushed from the house, sat in my car, and cried..."why me?"

Damnit, I'm sick of sounding like such a damnable crybaby...but there's nothing I can do other than ask "why?" I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with this issue...there aren't any church manuals, or books on recovering from homosexuality, from reversing 20 years of self-loathing because the teachings of men, mixed with those of God, teachings that having desires contrary to the Gospel plan. Those teachings have been driven into my brain, into my soul, so much that I can't recall any instances of feeling spiritually sound...I've always been not good enough for the touch of the spirit...and as such, I haven't received it.

I haven't found a night where I could sleep myself through till day...within the past month, I haven't gotten to bed any earlier than 1am...mostly due to my own poor scheduling choices, but also due to lack of want to sleep...when I DO sleep, it's riddled with nightmares, or uncomfort...waking me every hour or so. Going to sleep means waking up on another day...means realizing that I have to get up and fight again, when I'm stuck in a slow retreat, back facing a rocky, craggy cliff...and my allusions suck.

"You're a different person from when you left on your mission," Said my Father.
"Going through a quarter-life crisis will do that to you," I stammered, swallowing the knot in my throat.
"There's a painting, I don't know if you've seen it or not, but it's of a man in the woods...he's been through a crisis, and so he's down on his knees. And do you know who he's talking to on his knees? To God."
"...God doesn't talk to me anymore...He stopped listening," I said, eyes welling, as I grasped the doorknob, twisting it and pulling, my strength waning as the onset of salty tears made their way from deep within my being and out through my eyes.

I strode briskly out to my car, fingered the key from my pocket, and fumblingly, unlocked the door and slipped inside. Upon shutting the door, I couldn't hold the tears back any longer...my breathing became erratic, and I lost emotional control. The supreme release of so much emotional energy had been a hedonistic need pressing on me from the moment I awoke that morning. The day had started bad, and would soon be at an end, just as unsavory.
========================
I drove to a friend's house, we played computer games...good distractions...that's why I play when I can, I think...because I can escape my own problems for a short while. Same with work...I'm completely engrossed in whatever I'm doing at work...and working 60+ hours a week is going to continue to keep me occupied.

While with that same friend, he made the comment "dude, you need to just try to be happier...lighten up!" he said, as he tickled my ribs, robbing breath from my lungs, but bringing a laugh and smile to my lips.

When I'm here...home...I'm under the roof of my parents' shame. I'm choked here...physically as well as emotionally...I physically feel tightness in my throat. I write this not so that they'll release what hold they maintain, if any, but so they'll understand a bit more...even now, I contemplate and weigh the pro's and con's of printing off this entry and slipping it under their door...they don't know what's going on in my head...they haven't since I've come home...the only glimpse they've received is the sparse conversations I have with my mom, as I can't speak with my father without being brought to some catastrophic catharsis...and aforementioned conversations are usually when I'm in one of my pits...telling her to "make sure dad's guns are all locked up," or "I can't handle being a hypocrite." I feel bad that they have to have me as a son...they've had a hard enough of a lot with their other children, but they have me as an added burden...

What have I done to be such a burden? Did I perform some heinous misdeed in the live pre-now? Was I one who contemplated following Lucifer, but was persuaded not to do so by some yet unembodied friend? Was I particularly unimportant, left with the dregs of the barrel of emotional well-being when God planned for each of us our stations in this life? I commented to my father how I can't trust anyone...there are maybe 3 people who I can trust on this earth at the moment...Jared is one...Liz another, and the 3rd is the friend with which I've been spending most of my evenings, distracting myself. I don't trust my church leaders...they've been predatory, abrasive and overly curt in their dealings with me...I can't trust my parents; they're so ashamed, though they do their best to hide it...I can't deal with my father without being brought to tears, and my mother holds extraordinary expectations...the likes of which I've been able meet, if not exceed, in the past - but in my current state, fall short of them all. I can't trust my acquaintances...if they knew my deepests and darkests, they'd run and hide their heads in the sand at my approach...the common man fears what he does not know...and most Mormons fall under that category. Though the Gospel of Christ preaches understanding and caring, much of the church, in retrospect, professes the opposite...intolerance...bigotry. I can't trust my teacher; their opinions of me are too high...were I to confide, I'd shatter any preconceived notions about me they might hold under glass.

I'm without true friends, for the mostpart...those who I consider true friends are those I can trust...and right now, I can't trust barely anyone...when I do I get thrashed...I trusted God, and he let me have the weakness to come home from my mission...he wouldn't take this thorn from my side. I trusted friends, and they just said 'oh well, nothing I can do for you," when an ear to hear would have been enough.

How do you disappear completely?

2005-10-12T00:53:00.000-06:00

I'm a hypocrite. Every morning when I get dressed, and put on garments....a hypocrite. When I take the sacrament every Sunday, a hypocrite. When I dress in white shirt and tie, because my Branch President 'dictated' it to me, I'm a hypocrite. Me carrying around a vial of oil on my keychain makes me a hypocrite. I sit there, Sundays, in meetings, clad in black shirt, lacking a tie, so as to dodge any priesthood responsibilities...my Stake President, sitting on his perch, staring through my soul, and knowing my problems...I can't confide in him anymore. Not now that he knows this deepest darkest of my secrets.

Last time I talked to him, and we had talked about my struggle with homosexuality, he made the comment: "if you ever end up getting married, and end up 'coming out' on your wife, I'll rip your arms and legs off, and beat you with them." Quoted, almost verbatum. I know he means well, and I know he's trying to do what he thinks is right, but his excessive bluntness and forwardness isn't helping in the least.

I 'came out' to a friend of mine who's at BYU today...she's supportive, as I expected (that's why I told her), but, yet again, as is always the case with those who don't struggle, not able to offer a hand of help.

I had my first night of work at my new job, where I'm a manager, last night. I found out my boss is an ex-mormon. Interesting. That explains his having been an Eagle Scout, and possible covers his hiring me. Then there's the 'gay factor.' Not that I'm saying that I think he's gay, but as with all attractive males, who aren't straightey mcstraightpants...I suspect 'maybe he could be gay?' As I'm sure I'll find out, he most likely ISN'T gay, and I'll be able to be free from that temptation for a while...in his direction, anyway.

That whole situation got me thinking...what if the church just ISN'T for me...? I mean, me 'not being involved in church' would be prime target for me to NOT hate myself...not having to live up to the people in the church's standards. I can imagine it right now, me moving off to Colorado, going to the Art Institute of Denver. I'd know maybe 2 people in state. I'm naturally very amicable, so I'd make friends fast...possibly transfer my job to over there...going to school would be good, because it keeps me busy, and doing art is my passion. Who knows? Maybe a few good parties, and a boyfriend (or even girlfriend) later, I find that I'm no longer depressed, no longer feeling like a hypocrite, and in a good, stable situation...cutting it on my own. I know plenty of people who've done it...I could pull it off, couldn't I?
Or maybe I'll take the Disney gig...go back to school long enough to audition, and just stay down in Orlando...and then after that's over do the school thing, but on the east coast instead. All that I know, is that right now I need out of the choke-hold of the church...because I'm blue in the face from lack of oxygen.

I hate having a brain that functions on its own....grrrruh....

How to Be Dead

2005-10-04T02:41:00.000-06:00

Please don't go crazy, if I tell you the truth
No you don't know what happened
And you never will if
You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall
This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall
Where you've had me for hours
Till I'm sure what I want
But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before
So sweetheart tell me what's up I won't stop no way

Please keep your hands down
And stop raising your voice
It's hardly what I'd be doing if you gave me a choice
It's a simple suggestion can you give me sometime
So just say yes or no
Why can't you shoulder the blame
Coz both my shoulders are heavy
From the weight of us both
You're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth
You've not heard a single word I have said...
Oh, my God

Please take it easy it can't all be my fault
I haven't made half the mistakes
That you've listed so far
Oh baby let me explain something
It's all down to drugs
At least I remember taking the and not a lot else
It seems I've stepped over lines
You've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride
"How to Be Dead" - Snow Patrol
------------------------
I dont know how they've done it, but Snow Patrol has seemed to come up with the key track to the soundtrack to my life...

So I found out, tonight, that the 'boy' I'd been contemplating as a possible relationship is taken...he was 'involved' with somebody else, and then hopped to someone else...I kind of fell through the cracks as a possible relationship...which is most likely an extremely good thing for my current situation. I need to get back to school...I need to date girls...I need to not be fantasizing about boys. The thing that kind of jabs me in the side, was that when he had spilled the beans, I felt SO JEALOUS. Why? Because this was a bonified crush...that's what my problem is...gyah.

There are people starting to draw conclusions about me. People are guessing my "dirty little secret" left and right...and that makes me half-prone to just tell people. Other people come to conclusions where they dont know a THING, but compare my situation to willingly lying down on train tracks, with a speeding train approaching at full tilt...It'd be hard for me to explain without posting what they said specifically....aww, heck, why not...:

" 'Peculiar Mormon' needs to talk to me someday cause I still have his little Japan present. I wonder if he'll keep being crazy for the rest of his life, or if he'll decide to wake up one day."

and 'Peculiar Mormon' wrote this:

"I guess I'm truly crazy, aren't I?
Not everyone can live in the bubble of 'everything is peachy.' Some people have real-life problems, darling...I am one."

I suppose he means I live in a bubble of "everything is peachy". I wonder why he would assume that about someone. Funny enough, his life currently sucks because of his choices, so I guess he smashed his peach himself.

It's like, he decided to go lay down in front of a train and say. "You guys just don't understand what it's like to see the train coming." And we all go, "'Peculiar Mormon', you're being stupid, Buddy, there's a train coming." People like (FRIEND) grab his little hand and try to pull him up, but he just bats them away. He doesn't want help, and he makes snide comments when we say anything about it. "You guys are so mean for calling me stupid! I have a problem here!" People like (OTHER FRIEND) say, "'Peculiar Mormon'! Stop eating little pills and get off the frickin' railroad!" Then he looks at us, and he looks at the train, and he gives a pitiful little moan and lays his head back down. "It's such a big train. You guys wouldn't know. Look at you, you don't have a train headed toward you!"

Real life problems.
--------------------
Almost makes me want to take a 3 hour car ride, and commit fratricide.

Locks Too Small

2005-10-02T01:20:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I am tempted
Tonight, Its hard to fight
Tonight, I find it harder
To do what might be right

There are landmines on my narrow path
I can't find my way home
Its blow or get blown up in this one
And I'm not sure what I can stand

Can I handle losing an arm?
When two is all I have
The arms that were meant for holding
But are chastened for reaching

I'm counting doubts on broken fingers
I'm losting grip with my hands
I've regained the will to live again
But how can this fight be right?

I'm using words discreet
So you just stay in the dark
I want sometimes to scream the words
But fear the insecurity

There are landmines on my narrow path
I can't find my way home
Its blow or get blown up in this one
And I'm not sure what I can stand

Its cling to that which I know
Or thow away a whole life
To begin again, anew
Fresh feet under my knees

But that means i have to sever
The feet I've already grown
The feet i've grown up in
Though my shoes have never quite fit

--------------
How Ironic...on the eve of conference, I'm tempted to screw it up, once again. The part of me that is fighting my urges is fighting because I dont want to have to feel guilty tomorrow, sitting throught the sessions, and feeling more guilty than I already will, hearing the apostles and prophets of our day calling us to repentance...when it's the hardest thing for me to grab onto, and accept into my life. I hate that I'm never quite creative enough to put MY sons to music...my music-writing sucks major.

Today was rather busy, and during the stint of frenzied action, I was able to keep my mind off of myself rather well. I had an interview at a store that'd be WAY fun to work at, and that went rather well. After that, I went into work an hour early to cover the remainder of the shift of a friend, home for the weekend to hang out with family. Today, being only my 2nd day, was disgustingly busy. More busy than a 2nd day should be for anyone. I was running around, frantic, trying to figure out what to do with myself. That DID, however, keep me occupied for the whole 5 hours that I was there, leaving me absolutely no time to think and no time to read my book, or do any sketches in the sketchbook that I had brought with me to kill deadtime.

Me being busy is good, because I'm not thinking about how much I hate the way that I am. Granted, the medication that I'm on has been helping me focus on that less and less as well (upping the dose was definately a good thing, in my opinion). So now, it's 1am, and my eyelids are sagging, as much as I'd rather not sleep, and not have to wake up on another day...If I could be in one perpetual day and night, I'd be satisfied...and there I go, rambling. The night brings a release of responsibility...it's "me time," whereas the day, the time in which my body wants to sleep the most, is when I have responsibilities. I think I would be fine with not waking up...ever.

But that's not reallistic, and tomorrow is conference. Time for me to get my spiritual skull bashed in, and feel like I'm more of an ingrade than I already do. Noche.

The Shortest Green Lights in Town

2005-09-29T11:42:00.000-06:00

I'm actually feeling decent today. I just got back from a doctor's appointment, and he game me more samples of my medication (so I don't have to pay anything...wooo!), and an Rx for some Ambien so I can get some decent sleep (at the proper times). I'm surprised that I've rebounded so quickly from my last "temptation breakdown."

3 days ago, I think it was, I had a lapse of control, and gave into the flesh...in short...porn/masturbation binge. Bluntly put...nuff said. As would be predicted, the following day, I felt like complete crap, as with the day after. Actually, yesterday wasn't too entirely bad either. I ended up talking to a friend who lives nearby and told him that I wanted to get out of the house, so he told me to bring my computer over, and that we'd work on it (it needed a good reformatting), and hang out some. I was over at his house from about 1pm to 2am yesterday, but fun was had by all, and we got my computer working (after about 5 hours of banging our heads against the desks).

I think that right now, I needed even more humbling than I had been recieving (given my current status, I feel pretty pitiful and 'humbled,' but apparantly, I've got more to work on than I before allowed myself to recognise). I feel actually in a position where I'm inclined to read my scriptures for a change, and actually prayed (even if it was while lying on my back in bed) last night. Those are things that've been much to few and far inbetween. I'm going to try to get myself back onto them, and today is my starting date.

Word around my house lately has been of retreating to Rexburg sooner than planned. My mother seems to have some hidden itinerary cooking, as she keeps on making the looming 'leaving' seem more close than far...to which I'm really not complaining at all. I'd like to get out of this town as soon as possible, and back into the reach of so many good friends, but as a precursor, I want to get myself stabilized back in the Gospel (somewhat, at least), and get some money in my pocket...and have some transportation. Right now, I have absolutely NO clue on how I'm going to get back to Rexburg. My therapist called my mom and told her that I needed to get out of here soonish, and that 'having some transportation around town might not be a bad idea either,' IE: give me the car...an idea that the parental units were prevously opposed to, though I think they're starting to cave a little bit on the idea.

The prospect of having the car at school opens diverse new possibilities to my social circles, but at what cost to family? I feel like a huge prick pulling the "I'm suicidal, so give me the car" card, but I'm kind of doing it anyway. . . . . . . . . .

Anyway, I'm going to go and read some of the Book of Mormon, and then play some videogames, as I don't work again until Saturday...gosh, I need more hours.

Rent In Twain

2005-09-23T18:29:00.000-06:00

I hate decisions. I have made some though, just incase some of you are wondering. I've decided that at present, I'm not going to do anything to possibly endanger my future membership in the church...keeping chaste is going to be my one-way ticket back into an independant situation; school. This isn't easy...There is an attractive 20 year old being dangled in front of me...many many many things in common...thusfar, I've only talked to him online, and heard his voice when I called him and got his voicemail. I've told him that at present 'I just wanna be friends...not looking for a hookup,' so there's no desperation to see eachother.

I think my meds are finally starting to work, in some ways, at least. I haven't been nearly as depressed these past 2 days as I have been for the last week or two, and for me, that's a big plus. I'll blame the drugs. I haven't really been too suicidal over these couple of days, but the thought of "this is a possible way of killing yourself" has popped into my head only a few times today. I remember...I was helping a friend load up her stuff into boxes, and talking about my suicidal nature. "I guess that I always thought that every teenager thingks about killing themselves." I guess not...oh well. Just another indicator that I was pretty depressed in High School, but didn't know it? It seems like all the ways that I can think of dying, by my own hand at least, would be dreadfully painful...gun wounds? being stabbed through the heart? having a heart attack from jumping off a building? hanging myself? drowning? They all seem far too barbaric, and far too painful. I suppose you can all rest assured in the fact that I'm a horrible wimp, and hate pain - therefore, the ideal way would be to have a train dropped on me, and squash me into jam. That'd be, I would think, relatively painless because it'd be so fast...but I'll change the morbid topic, lest I digress any further.

The reason I say that I hate decisions, is because I can't help but think that no matter what I do in this life, a monumental decision(s) is being lead up to. Either coming out, "staying straight," or killing myself. Only one of the dicisions lead up to my spiritual conscience being satisfied, one leads to no more physical problems, and the other is complete hedonism. All three are tempting, though the two 'living' alternatives are the currently preferred, I suppose.

Bah, I need a car in rexburg.....

That's all for now, maybe I'll continue this post later. I have been kind of rambling, and so I'll stop.

Floating upon the surface for the birds

2005-09-20T02:38:00.000-06:00

A painting I did today......reflection in its greatest (or...not so great)

The figure in the bottom is representative of myself...emerging from a sea of a solid past, broken by the scars and pock marks of my past, rising like broken skyscrapers, long submurged. The sunset, being quenched (or rising) by (or from out of the repression of) the sea is somewhat representative of my struggle with same-sex attraction.

I didn't even reallize all the symbolism that this piece had until I had already gotten half way through painting it.

Inspired by "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead.

A Temple, Empty

2005-09-16T00:11:00.000-06:00

So, I finally got back to the temple for the first time since I've been home...to be honest, and as I just said to Jason, I was a bit disappointed, as I didn't really feel the spirit much at all...I tried to gear myself up for it, and either I didn't do enough, or I'm doing something else wrong. "Were you expecting to feel the spirit, or hoping to?" "A bit of both," I replied.

It just doesn't happen for me...the whole 'feel the spirit' thing. Jason and I are talking about it right now, actually. "Sexual sins take time to heal," he says. Definately true...though...if that's the case, and it takes time, after a sexual sin, to feel the spirit again, then my whole life seems to have been riddled with the filth.

Even when I was a little kid, I never really feel like I felt the spirit...after baptism through about age 11, when I started dabbling in masturbation...Granted, I didn't leave myself much of a window for a success margin, but you'd think I'd have at least one memory of some spiritual significance within there? Nope...not in particular.

The times that I do remember having felt the spirit was, say, at EFY, surrounded by other nerdy Mormon kids, letting it loose...granted, that's what my situation's always been...being a huge nerd, and cutting loose...putting up the facade of "I'm the spectacular LDS kid that everbody envies!" Ha...people envy me...right.

I haven't written my missionaries in far too long...I've gotten my MTC guys in the past month, but since I left, and returned, I haven't written so many of my guys from back at school, or friends from around HERE even...add another reason I'm a sub-par person/friend. I don't keep in contact.

The garden state soundtrack is really good.

I'm going to go and try not to think about suicide for the rest of the evening. Jason, sorry I made you swear. I love you, bro, you know that. You've been nothing but an amazing support.

Taking it back

2005-09-11T17:49:00.000-06:00

So, I know I sound so indecisive in saying this, but, I might have to resend my decision to take after the boy. To be blunt, we flirted for about 3 hours last night, which was amazing...but today's events just...make me need to rethink my decisions.

My bishop pulled me into his office today, out of the blue...out of nowhere, and essentially said 'how are you doing?' I was baffled...because were I to be pulled back in the opposite direction of where I as going, THEN was the time that It NEEDED to happen...and God moves in mysterious ways...

It comes down to this: I believe in God, I have faith in Jesus Christ, and I hope that this church is true...I don't know anything for certain, but I have hopes that what I feel I'm being lead to, at present, is what's right.

I want to be able to have a family...a wife and kids, however ludacris that might sound coming form someone in my position especially. I want to attain the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom in the life hereafter...I want to feel happy...I need to be proud of myself. I need to....live.

Now, where I to hustle after this guy that I've fancied, how would I end up with a wife? With kids? It doesn't add up...I hope for an ideallistic 'mormon' life, but being gay doesn't let that fit...call it brainwashing, call it influence from a young age, whatever...but the thing my body wants is conflicting with my spirit, and the two can't co-exist...one has to have dominion over the other...up until now, it was the flesh, today, the spirit has the reigns and is trying to guide me in the right direction.

This feels good right now...feeling spiritual...I can't explain it....feels better than I felt when I was flirting, though I won't deny that that was spectacular...but I'm not going into detail on that, because I'll lose focus, and run off my tracks again.

Time to construct a list of daily things to do...I'll hang this up in my room.
List of Daily Do's:
Pray, first thing
Read Scriptures - 30minutes
Write in journal daily (blog doesn't count)
Don't fight the alarm clock
Early to bed/Early to rise
Surround myself with good, wholesome people
Pray for Charity
Read other uplifting material: Literature on SSA that I've collected, endorsed by the church, etc.
Write my missionaries
Get another job
Abstain from swearing
"Get Blessings" through not slipping up

By the way, I quit my job...my boss was a witch with a capital B...sick of being mistreated, so I quit after she made me have an emotional meltdown on friday...weds/thurs had been horrible, and fri was just bad BAD.

I need to go take a sunday nap.

Taking Chances

2005-09-10T12:27:00.000-06:00

So my decision is made. I'm going after this boy. I'm not going to do anything sexual, that's my boundry...just like dating in high school, right? If I had the inhibitions enough to stop myself from doing anything in high school (then again, it was with girls, so go figure), then I can hope that I have enough scrouples to stop myself from getting dirty with this kid...and that's if he's interested. And if not, then this endevor with him just wasn't meant to be. I think I can handle that.

This isn't to say that I'm "out of the closet," and that anyone else can refer to me as being "gay." It's kind of humorous...I've decided that I can call myself "gay," and other people that I trust can call me "gay," but nobody else...sorry "normal straight people," you don't get that luxury.

So, I've officially ben accepted by Liz and Jen as the "trophy gay best friend," and I absolutely have to say that I love that title...they've also partially approved of my 'possible boyfriend,' which, in my book, is nigh unto complete acceptance. I'm just...I'm glad to see that I'm finding acceptance from some people, church members especially, where I've only been expecting rejection. I just hope my family can still say "I love you," even though I've completed the set of '1/2 of the kids in the family are gay.'

So, throughout all my being destructively introspective, I've found that when I've contemplated just trying to suck it up, taking the hard road, and trying to live up to other people in the church's standards, masking the hetero thing to myself as well as them, then I'm going to be miserable...I'll end up wanting to kill myself...and that's what will happen...I'd end up doing it. Though, when I contemplate this...this release. This honesty with myself, I don't have any desire for personal destruction. I'm not saying that I find joy in being gay....and frankly, I don't know how God could place his children here with such a thing as same gender attraction, to make us miserable constantly, but at least this gives me some kind of relief.

But maybe it's not what I'm supposed to do? I think I can handle that. Right now I'm just planning on getting my feet wet...test the waters. If I really don't like it, then I'm going to try to go back to girls. I suppose I've just been so self-restrictive for so long, that I owe some honesty to myself. Yes, we're supposed to bridle our passions, but I'd prefer to stay alive, thanks...and I don't plan on doing anything sexual, nothing to get me into a disciplinary counsel...that sounds kind of like "I'm just going to walk the edge, not jump over," but it makes sense to me...anyway

I need to go to portland.

Oh yeah...I quit my job, because my boss made me bawl...I can't take being treated like shite...especially not in my current emotional situation...and they just switched me to effexor instead of lexipro, now too.

Excuse Notes

2005-09-08T23:13:00.000-06:00

Why do I feel compelled to start writing a will, and distribute thoset things I own to others...I haven't gone yet. I feel about ready to start drafting an excuse to my parents, family and friends for what I feel is inevitable...I simply don't have the constitution, mental or physical, to carry out the task set in front of me.

Life isn't fair...I'd rather be dead than deal with this right now...

For those of you freaking out right now, know that WERE I to take such an action, I'd need to have a perfected 'letter,' written...the likes of which I haven't even begun to write...I don't even know what I'd start to say.

I'm so unprotected
I'm so all alone
Where's the one whom I need to place his strong arms around me?
His warm breath on my neck, whispering "you're good enough for me,"
While my tears are not wiped, but kissed away,
Sweet salt that stings my eyes taken by his lips

what the hell am I trying to write...? Goodbye for now.

The Pyramid

2005-09-06T23:42:00.000-06:00

This is how I feel right now.

In an obscure world (an odd setting such as the pyramids), I have nothing to do but throw my head back, screaming and yelling, while walking through the hot desert of my trials.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I'm trying. I'll continue to try for as long as my legs will hold out...they're just shaky, and nobody can brace me up.

I met with my Stake President tonight, who encouraged me to go to the temple as soon as possible, tomorrow even if I could swing it...I don't think tomorrow or the day after will be able to happen, but I'm going to go as soon as possible. I might not think I'm ready to go back, but obviously the spirit does...so, heck, I'm going to try....I just need to stop swearing.

I hate having to try to sort out my life in my head. My Life is a Catch 22:
I either give into my homosexual urges, and start dating a guy, have sex, and give into the 'sins of the flesh,' and possibly find "happiness," however short-lived it is
OR

I contintue to try to live a heterosexual lifestyle...I strive for perfection, continuing to grind myself into the ground...I feel like where I'm at is somehow wrong...my body is telling me "NO," but my spirit is whispering ever-so-softly "..,y-ye...yes....?...." all the while, having to walk on eggshells, swimming a vinegar sea, with whip-mark on my back, as people throw "that's so gay," and "you faggot," around, as joking remarks, all the while grinding my heart to fine-powdered sand.

For those of you reading this, I hope that I NEVER hear you say the word "faggot," again my lifetime, if you've ever used that term in the first place. A friend, the other day, who knows about my issues, made the comment of "that's so gay," and later apologised. Her roomate asked why she was apologising (she did it in a manner that I'd understand, but nobody else would), and she said "because I accidentally called (insert my real name here) a BIIIIG jackass. Jenny, if you're reading this, honey, thanks alot...that made my day that you apologised, and we both knew exactly what it was about.

Really, I just needed a reason to vent. My meds are, like, officially not working, I think, and I think they need to put me on something more serious. Physicians usually know what it takes for MINOR depression issues, but I might have to go to a psychologyst, to get some more hardcore drugs...yeesh.

Head for the Hills, the Kitchen's on Fire

2005-09-05T22:51:00.000-06:00

So...I've been feeling really very crappy lately...and I think, today, I came to the reallization of why. It's because SSRI's (selective seratonin reception inhibitors), the anti-depressants that I'm on, aren't doing their job...or...they're doing their job, but my brain is doing it's darndest to fight them...thust overproducing whatever it has to produce to make me feel miserable. Now, all that's left to do, is make another appointment with my physician, and have him give me something else...something that works better. I think we're supposed to be trying Effexor next? I don't know...all I know is that we're going to be switching to something that's not an SSRI.

It might be a really stupid, foolish move to make, but I put myself up on Yahoo personals, as a "Man seeking a Man." I'll be honest...I've been freaking lonely lately. I still long to be held by someone who's strong, muscular, and comforting. Not that I'm guaranteed to find it, but if I'm looking to get in touch with other gay guys around here, that's an okay place to start, right? I put down on there that "I'm not looking for sex or a 'hook up,' just someone to talk to. I went and sent some messages to some guys in my area, one of which is from my hometown, and isn't drop dead gorgeous, but he's pretty cute...and he had a shirtless pic on his page - I wasn't unimpressed...seems strong to me.

I feel as if this is the scenario right now - If I stay with trying to find a girl who'll make me happy, it's not going to happen. What'd I do to have that normalcy taken from me? If I try to 'stick it out,' being a homosexual trying to be a hetero, I feel like I'm only going to be left wanting. I don't know if this is me 'setting out to date a gay guy,' but I'm at least taking some kind of steps. If this is going to keep me from killing myself (which has been an ever-increasing topic on my mind as of late, what with the drugs not doing their job), then why not do it? Or am I meant to kill myself, remain unhappy, and left wanting? I'm not saying this will make me 'unhappy,' I'm just seeing it as a possible way for happiness to come easier.

I still haven't 'come out,' and don't know if I ever will...that's just too monumentous of a statement for me. If I say to the world, and to everyone I meet 'Hi I'm (enter name here), and I'm gay!' I don't feel like I'd ever be able to take that back...If I ever wanted to reach, again, for that heterosexual lifestyle, with a wife, and kids, I'd have some serious explaining to do...to myself above anyone else.

----

I've been listening to a band called the "Appleseed Cast" alot lately. A friend of mine turned me onto them about 2 years ago, and I picked their CD up again last week, and haven't been able to put it down since. I went and downloaded all their other albums (I know, I know, I'm a horrible, shameless music pirate), and I absolutely love them. I find that when I'm listening to them in the car, I can't help but just sit and think, driving either right at the speed limit (as opposed to the usual 5-10 over), or even 5 under...just meandering, and thinking.

Some friends and I hung out last night. They came and picked me up at about 11:30pm, and we drove around and found ourselves in Portland, looking for an IHOP...we went to Macdonalds instead, and then drove back. That is where the good stuff is...driving to Portland, an hour away, only to go to Macdonalds, and then drive back, talking all the way. Lovely.

Currently Listening to ~ "Bones" by Radiohead

I might not make it that long

2005-09-02T21:25:00.000-06:00

I know this sounds randomly bleak, and miserable of me...but tonight, I just feel an overwhelming sense of forboding.

I feel like I might not make it back to Rexburg...
I might not last that long...

There's really no reason for my being so melancholy...but I'll use the excuse of my severe depression as a scapegoat. I've been taking my meds...I've been working all day long, hoping to tucker myself out, so as not to have the energy to do stupid things...I've tried (kind of) praying and reading my scriptures. I'm just so tired...so exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I might not last that long...

Am I to become a statistic of Gay Mormons who end up committing suicide because of lack of ability to cope with their problems? Maybe I have the tools to "deal" with my problems...maybe having my life in my own hands is 'tool' enough.

I'm going to get out of the house and away from any potentially hazardous objects now. Were I to end it, I'd do something quick and painless...I'm a big wimp, and couldn't handle cutting my wrists, or hanging myself or something. It'd have to be like...instant incineration, or an explosion, or getting turned to stone or something...

Everyone else seems to have a grasp on their problems, but here I am, fantasizing about some guy that I saw in my dream last night...he was perfect, and I was extremely turned on by him...I don't understand what I'm supposed to do right now...I can't do anything but "check out" guys as they pass...the missionaries, people at the store, members of my own family ward that I see at the gas station...women aren't in the least bit appealing to me right now, other than when being viewed as a sexual object, something I've striven for years to dilude and get rid of in my psychie...what I long for is a fulfilling relationship with a male, my height, strong build, who's sensitive and caring...someone who I feel can protect me...I feel so vulnerable. I want someone (right now ANYONE, male or female) to hold me in my arms, and let me cry...to have them tell me, with strong arms clasped around me, that things will all be okay...that I have what it takes...that I'm good enough for THEM, and that that's all that matters in the world...someone to wipe away my tears.

I've had mom to do that for me in the past, but never, really, have I had that connection with another person...I want someone strong, who can be strong for me too.

I might not last that long...

How much longer can I keep this a secret from the world?

The Connundrum of Conscience

2005-09-02T01:29:00.000-06:00

Things in life are just.....they're interesting.

Today, work was long, and I was on my feet for 9 hours straight, but that means that I made about $60, so I'm not complaining. Changes in peoples lives are happening...best friends are breaking up with girlfriends, other people are making extremely intense life-decisions, and I don't know what I want in life.

I'm extceedingly tired right now, so pardon me if I babble and/or ramble.

I've come to the point, in my therapy with my psychologyst, that we've been discussing me being a "people-pleaser," and my need to meet up to peoples expectations constantly. "You need to focus on making YOU happy," he said...and however hedonistic it may sound, it's the truth. I need to not let other peoples idea of me govern my actions...that's kind of why I out and used some of the terminology, speaking about porn and masturbation in a previous post, and commenting on how "it just needs to be said."

I'll cut the crap...I'm sick of being in constant fear of what the future will bring. As with most people with SSA, and most perfectionists, I'm a hugetime micromanager...I had everything planned out (graduation, college, mission, marriage, etc)...and I never left any room for my SSA in there anyway...I just wished it away, I suppose. I figured I'd go on my mission, graduate from college, and then get married, but the dicision of what the hell I'm going to do, and the reprocussions of that have fallen into my lap.

Here are my options that I feel like I'm facing:
1) "Come out," live the lifestyle, get excommunicated, maybe get physically and emotionally 'satisfied,' but really, if I'll be satisfied, who knows...I've never been in a gay relationship....or a straight one for that matter
2) Become the typical "Peter Priesthood" kind of guy that everyone saw me as before the mission...only I'd be constantly living up to other peoples expectations. As of right now, I feel like the reason I'm sticking with the whole "Mormon" thing, is because I know, from my "encyclopedic" knowledge of the gospel, not current faith, that I should, not that I feel it...I don't really feel much of anything right now. I know that I'll come to probibly regret it later in life...but seeing as how I've delved about as far into having a homosexual relationship as I have with having a hetero- one...I really don't have much of any grounds to try to function on experience with either.

I'm supposed to hang out with one of the guys from my SSA support group tonight. He's a really cool guy...but has a bit of a rocky past...I'll just suffice to say, for the present, that he's ben excommunicated due to things that've happened within the past few years with SSA. I'm kind of concerned about this whole thing, actually...it's probibly my hypochondria poking through, but my conscious is saying "what if one of you tries to pull something?" I know for a fact that I wouldn't be ballsy enough to do anything, and he's married with kids...the chances are miniscule...but it still doesn't detract from the inkling that something could happen. He's quite a nice, attractive, easy to relate to guy...maybe that's part of the root of my concerns.

Nothing We Can Do...

2005-08-29T03:07:00.000-06:00

There isn't anything I can do for her...she has severe problems, the likes of which are out of HER hands, and I can't put back the pieces...even if I didn't scatter them.

An extremely good friend of mine...well...to put it bluntly, a few months ago, was raped...now she's 3 months pregnant, she just found out Monday...and I thought MY world was a mess.

It kills me because, belligerantly, I kept on trying to get ahold of her, via phone, or text message, or IM, never taking the time to leave a voicemail message, or anything logical like that, and tonight I come to find just WHY there's been avoidance between the two of us...it's not anything that I did...it's this town, where she goes to school. She just needed to get out, and get back home (about 5 hours car drive away). I feel like such an ass for being so pushy and overbearing.

I gave her what few words of consolement that I could, but nothing is going to be able to comfort her in this time...she has an important decision to make, and the resulting reprocussions are something that nobody should have to deal with...she has a baby that she doesn't want, and can't take care of, due to school. This friend is fiercely independant, and the 'ball and chain' of such a monumental responsibilty so young in life, is something that would severely weigh down her potential.

As of late, I've kind of given up on prayer...I don't feel like God listens to me...yeah, I go to church, and hang out with the kids from the Singles Branch, but, really, I'm just going through the motions...I've got personal issues that I feel distance me from God...why would he listen to me? He hasn't in the past, and now that I've put more space between the two of us, what right do I have to be heard?
I'm going to try to give it a shot, though. I'm not important enough to be heard, but this friend is...whether it be via proxy, or not, she deserves to have some divine comfort.
She, sadly, is in the same spiritual boat as I am...why would a loving, just, and merciful God ever allow one of his beloved sons to be plagued with Same Sex Attraction? His daughters to be raped, and impregnated against her will, carrying with her the constant reminder of other people's ill use of free will? There are times when I almost wish that the adversary's plan hadn't fallen through, and that we'd all be forced to be perfect...it seems easier in the longrun.
There I go, spouting off heretical nonsense....

Credit where Credit is Due

2005-08-27T22:37:00.000-06:00

I just reallized, after recieving an 'anonymous' comment on my last post in response to my profile.

Most of the 'setup' for this profile was 'borrowed' from The Gay Mormon. His words fit my situation too well not to copy his words, and thus, I give him credit where credit is due.

Barista to Be

2005-08-26T03:18:00.000-06:00

So, today was my first day at work....oh! For those of you less informed, I got a job at a local bakery/cafe, and it pays pretty dang decent....$8/hr! Woopah! I worked from 10 this morning until 5:45 tonight, with no breaks (other than when I had to run a delivery, and the place was VERY nicely air-conditioned, and I got to have a seat on a very comfy (okay, it probiby wasn't that comfy, but I had been on my feet all day) couch....I even got a $5 tip for it! Which is proposterous, because I sped 4 blocks, dropped off the sandwiches, and then waited, quite comfortably, for the check. Ehh, I'm not complaining too much.

On top of all that, today, being my first day, was kind of a trial-by-fire. Thursdays are 'Farmer's Market' day, here in my hometown. All the local farm-owners, bakers, resteraunteurs and peddlers get their wares together, and hit main street from 2:30-6:30pm, and sell sell sell...and can you guess what I was doing? Yes, selling delicious breads. When my new boss came by the stand, at about 5:45, and told me to go home, and to come back tomorrow at 10am (which means that they want to keep me on, essentially), business picked right back up, and I had to help my co-worker out a decent bit before I took off. All in all, we sold LOTS of bread, and I hope Russle, currently my ONLY co-worker (other than the bosses), was able to sell it all off.

When I first met the kid I was sitting thinking "ehh....he's potentially kind of attractive?" But, thank goodness I'm so gosh dang picky...he doesn't have an ear for music, looks younger than I am, when he is, in fact, older, and is a little bit scrawny...also, he's way too unsure of himself, and kind of mumbled a bit while selling at market...heck, he sold like mad tho, so I won't complain! I'm just happy I've decided I don't like him, and think he'd be a really cool buddy. He just won't know about my SSA unless he asks about it (which I dont' think he has the balls to ask).

I got to do alot of sweeping at work today (yes, I'm talking alot about work, but it's leading into my recent dealings, so if you plan on continuing reading, you're a trooper, if not, blah on you)...got to....hah! I swept so furiously and so much that I developed a nice blister, which popped, between my left thumb and index finger...paaaaaainful when washing hands and dishes, which I also did alot of today.

One good thing, though, in my opinion, good comes from having this blister...it makes 'messing up' with the big-bad-M a bit more difficult...which isn't to say that it wasnt possible...but yeah; so that's my confession. I made the 3 days, so I don't have to pay for lunch for the Elders, but I still messed up...with both porn and masturbation (I almost didn't type those two words...just about abbreviated them, for some readers who might be a bit more 'word-sensitive,' but decided that they needed to be put there. Partially because I find both of them such dispicable words, and also because this is MY blog, and I don't have to please anybody else. These are my problems, and I'm dealing with them. You chose to read it, or if I felt comfortable telling you about it, then you'd better be ready for it/you are, in my eyes, ready for it).

CURRENT GOAL:
Make it throught the weekend (thru sunday night) in a flawless manner.
No porn
No masturbation
Read scriptures/pray
Don't just go and screw myself up right after midnight on Monday morning

There it goes. Send me some encouragement, please, I'm sure I'd love to hear it.

I recieved some...interesting and outright frightening counsel from a friend back in Rexburg today. I was talkinga about how much I hated things (I had just messed up), and she said "Well, why don't you just try dating a guy." I was kind of shocked. She's not molly Mormon, but she doesn't seem like somebody who'd be so bold and upfront, especially knowing how homophobic the Church and its members can be...I decided to write down some of my feelings, and bring them to my shrink when I meet with him this next week. I might as well share them here, and then go to bed. I's freaking 2:36, and I have to be up in 6.5 hours.

Encouraged by friend in Rexburg to date guys
- Terrified of what people would think
- Terrified of rumours
- What would my family think?
- I don't think I'd have the inhibitions to stop myself from having sex?
~ Breaking Temple Covenant
~ Excommunicated/Disfellowshipped
- Get kicked out of school
- Career - College = no $
- Want a family/kids etc.

Believe in church
- I've felt the spirit
- Had a want to go on a mission
~ Because of parents? Make them proud? Mantain the "golden child" mentality

One last comment...I get free bread at work, so it makes me happy...and free pastries, and free lunch in the form of sandwiches....booyah.

~Sleep.

3 Days, or Lunch

2005-08-23T01:39:00.000-06:00

So in an attempt to recover from last night (and this last morning)'s soiree into the darkside, I've adopted a 'challenge' program, between myself and the missionaries (who only know about my P & M problems), and my best friend (who knows everything there is to know). Here's the challenge: I go for a set period of time, abstaining from P & M, trying to do whatever it takes to not get put into a position where it'll be a temptation, or I have to pay some unwanted consequence. As of today, the challenge stands that I go 3 days, clean, or else I have to pay for a big lunch for the Elders here in town. Reasonable for me...I really don't want to pay for lunch, so I'm in.
I've found myself, today, sleeping...alot. I had an interview set up for a job, but they called and had to rain-check me 'till tomorrow because the owners' baby got sick, and they were freaking out (which gives me the impression, that, due to my willingness, I've got the job in the bag). I woke up at about 8:30am, prayed, read my scriptures (or was that yesterday? Yes, that was yesterday...oh well, this still illustrates my point), and then fell back asleep...I woke up again at about 11am, helped my sister move for an hour or so, then started reading "Believing Christ," and fell asleep again. Woke an hour later, read my Patriarchal Blessing at the heed of my father, and fell asleep again. I don't know if it's my medication (which has been making me uncontrollably leg-shaky), or what, but today was an "I want to sleep" day.
Heck, I need to go to bed...I've got my cell phone alarm clock set for 8:30am (everytime, in a half-alseep daze, that I read the word "Snooze" or "Snoozing," I can't help but giggle, and think I'm still asleep), set so early because I know i'll fight it for close to half an hour...I think I'll go and continue to read my Orson Scott Card book...he's an amazing author, just so you know.

Bah!

2005-08-22T02:18:00.000-06:00

Repeat entry titled:

"What is my Deal?"

...

Not a fight, a 'duscussion'

2005-08-21T00:04:00.000-06:00

So, in usual fashion for when I'm frustrated, Dad and I got into a 'duscussion.' I started talking to him about how ridiculous I thought him and Mom were acting (I didn't use that exact terminology), in regards to slapping me with a curfew, demanding me to ask permission everytime I want to use the car, demanding to know where I'm going everytime I set foot outside the house...it was driving me up the wall.
Prior to this whole fiasco, Mom and I had gotten into a similar 'discussion,' which resulted in me, basically, storming out of the house...there's so much tension been building up between mom and Dad and I that you could cut it with a knife...but heck, why shouldn't they be stressed? Half of their kids are gay, one more of their daughters are finally moving out, they're dealing with another of their kids (me) who'se got SSA, and severe depression and is suicidal, they're a bit financially strapped...I suppose I owe them a little bit more slack than I've been giving.
I finally was able to get off my chest, to Dad, how miserable life was...how an hour doesn't go by where I hate myself, or think about killing myself...it's a freaking terribly scary thought, but it's the truth...I'm suicidal, and that's how it flows...I haven't done anything stupid like cutting, or burning myself, and and I haven't tried to kill myself; I'd say I'm doing pretty dang good. I need to take things one day at a time, like I said in my last entry.
Haven't had any run-ins with porn or masturbation (thank goodness), but that's not to say that I haven't been tempted...gosh. Yesterday I was wound up like a spring, during a lecture on Joseph Smith. I as sitting next to the Elders, one of which is particularly athletic and attractive (thank goodness he's dumb as pie crust, or I might be more attracted to him), and my mind kept running into the gutter...no matter how hard I tried, I just kept on falling into it...bah!

I need to stop beating myself so much for all this...THIS is what's going to oust me in the end...me beating myself up...gah, but I can't get these enticing images out of my head...but they shouldn't be there...BLAH!

So, I just have to say that my best bud (you know who you are) is pretty much the best...nuff said. He called me up to check up on me, and make sure I'm 'being good.' It's stuff like that keeps me sane, knowing that there are people out there, not in my family, who love me. I love it.

What is my Deal?

2005-08-19T04:02:00.000-06:00

So here I was, 13 hours ago, saying that I wasn't having any problems (at the time) with SSA...HA! I think that from here on out, I'll never say that again, for fear of jinxing myself. I was doin' okay...and then curiosity crept in...and I certainly didn't slam the door...didn't even freaking shut it. We'll just say that 2 words, concidered 'hush-hush' subjects in the LDS church, pornography and masturbation, a dangerous couple, have decided to come knocking...bah.

I need to take things day by day...need to say "I'm not going to mess up today, or anytime this week." That's how I survived before...kept setting up waypoints for myself, and then running with them...and for the most part, I succeeded amazingly well. I guess I've never really had the porn aspect thrown into my blender. I need my best friend to dare me to do better, is what I need. He's been kind of out of contact for the past few days...not online, haven't tried calling his phone, because I'm horribly awkward on the phone...I need to be under more watchful eyes, it feels like. Were I back at school, he'd have me under his watchful eye, and things'd be a bit safer...that and I'd have the reassurance of being able to wake him up in the middle of the night, and tell him that I'm feeling tempted. I just thank God that I'm not attracted to him in the least bit...it might be awkward, him being my best friend and all...heck, it's happened in the past...whatever.

Changed my meds from Zoloft to Lexipro today...wooo...

So I got a call back from a place that I applied at here in town. It'll be nice, because I'll be able to do ceramics...something that I love to do. Wish me luck on my interview on Monday! And pray that I don't get taken out by a meteor or something before I can repent of all this crap...gosh, I'm horrible.
Speaking of meteors, I saw a wierd light in the southern sky, as I was driving home from institute tonight...it was wierd! It was way too bright to be a star or satellite...very interesting.

Support Group Etc...

2005-08-18T13:29:00.000-06:00

So last night I went to my weekly Support Group session. Essentially, it's a group of about 10 guys (some of them married, some not, some old, some young), all of which are LDS, and struggling with SSA. It's really nice to be able to go and be able to talk about my difficulties in an environment where I'm better understood. The guys there don't judge, and continue encouraging each other to do what we need to do. It's nothing but support to continue to stick to the gospel teachings...and that includes not acting out in regards to SSA.
Things, with my SSA, at least, have been pretty good these past few days. I haven't gone and mucked around online anywhere I shouldn't be, and have, in essence, driven off most inappropriate thoughts that have come to mind...it's been really nice in that regard. With my depression, on the other hand, things have pretty much sucked. My depression meds (I'm currently on Zoloft) kind of....stopped working. This last weekend was probably one of the worst multi-day stretches of feeling miserable I've had since being home. I felt like crap...'nuff said, in my opinion...my family did, however, start to see just how bad things get.
I came home from church on Sunday, and Mom ran the usual 'how're you doing?' questions; to which I just shook my head...I was not in the mood to talk in the least, and I felt horrible...so a simple head-shake would suffice. I retreated into the den, to check email, etc. Enter Dad. "Why did you unplug my palm-pilot?" he questioned.
"Well, you haven't used it in over 3 months, and I moved my computer down here...there was no point in having it still plugged in." The topic of conversation then shifted to my sister taking the desk on which my computer currently resides, when she moves out next week (a welcome idea, as my sister and I butt heads frequently), so suggested the idea that I'd bring my desk down here, and the computer would live there. "You're not bringing that thing down here," dad ejaculated. "I'll just take my computer back up into my room, then," I said, coming to a reasonable means to an end. "You just seem to have all the answers, don't you?" my sister bellowed from the living room.
I had had it. I had retreated from the front room to avoid pesky conversations and accusations, only to find them to follow me. At this, I proceeded to my bedroom, and Dad, persistently, came to heckle me about Ethernet cable. "It's tucked behind the wall, and I am not going to pull it out right now," I said adamantly...I didn't want to be bothered with it, and I had just picked up a good book. "I'm the one who put that cord in -" he started to say. "No, I did, and I'm not pulling it out right now. If you want it, feel free to move my bed, take it out, and put things back the way they were before." At that, I realized that the house wasn't going to offer me any quiet, no matter where I went within.
I grabbed my keys, and started walking down the stairs. I passed Mom. "I'll be back later," I mumbled, to which she uttered a sigh, as if to say "oh no, who did what?" I took off to a friend’s house, where we worked on pricing out a computer for me, and just sat and chatted for a while.
Upon my return home, later that evening, Dad apologized to me, and my sister wrote me a note apologizing (how's that for sincere?). Out of it all, though, at least I got some reciprocity...they realized how crappy I was feeling, after trying to put that out, subtly, I finally got some sympathy...not that I'm starving for attention, but it's nice to have some understanding in the household, as to when I'm not doin' so hot.

New Misadventures

2005-08-16T04:51:00.000-06:00

I've decided to start a blog. Here I'll discuss my strifes, problems, and difficulties as I attempt to mantain a heterosexual lifestyle within the Mormon culture, being pressed with the struggle of Same-Sex Attraction. Also, will be just rantings about normal, everyday life. It's not an easy thing to do, struggling with SSA, but I've been an excellent faker thusfar, and I plan on faking it for as long as I need to.