The Big Push. Oh, and I lied.

I guess I'm blogging for now. I need some outlet. I keep hearing phrases in songs that I think I only think I'm hearing...and think of how great they are...and then I listen to the song again, and realize that they're totally unoriginal, because they're from that same song. I never spell the word REALIZE right. Always 2 L's.

My writing blows. Time and time again, my creative writing teacher shows that.

I was sick with the flu, and I didn't go to work yesterday because of it. I didn't want to go today either...but I did. I got up at 8am and did it. The light is off in my room right now, and I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I don't think I'll answer my phone...but it makes me feel like I'm not crap when people DO call. Have I mentioned that I'm a manipulative bastard? Yeah. I like attention way more than it's healthy, and feeling wanted is like heroine.

I sound like bitchface.

I'm not a good Mormon, guys. Sorry to disappoint some of you...

I had an army of headless, naked men (mannequins) at work today, and I was their leader. They're a pain in the ass to dress...worse than dressing children...I've actually never dressed children, I've just heard it's a pain.

It was too cold to be april 10th today. I just almost capitolized (misspelled on purpose for reasons mentioned here), because I thought it was important, and then i stopped caring about it.

I'm going to fail my science class. I failed american heritage. Not capitalized American Heritage, but american heritage. I've never failed a class in my life, and I'm about to fail two in one semester. I'm a champ. I haven't showered, and my hair is a mess.

I wish I had some witty, depressing message to put up on some page like myspace or my MSN so people would ask what was up...but then I wouldn't want to talk about it, so I'd wish that I could let them read my thoughts. If I were honest, and not a coward, I'd excommunicated. My job situation is uncertain once 2 weeks is over.

I'm quitting work. I should quit caring. Not quit life just yet, but just quit it enough to where I can just sit around and do art all day. I wish mine was decent.

I applied to my art program last monday, and the mail box taunted me with overdue fees from BYU library, not an acceptance/rejection letter.

It's a funny story, my letter that I'm waiting for. I'll either get in, and feel privileged, but secretly trapped behind walls of religious concrete and lies, or I'll not get in, and I'll be terrified. And free. But I'll most likely not be very religious. I hope for both. I almost typed "i pray for both," but aside from two days ago when I was sitting in the shower (half bath, not a full bath, so it was actually just a shower), puking, asking God to make me be better.

My Dad suggested I get a priesthood blessing to help me get better. "You're worth the blessings." Maybe. But are worth and worthy connected? And the condescension I feel from my ward. I haven't been in 2 weeks at least. I think it has been a month. If I go home, I have to pretend to be good, so I can get an ecclesiastical endorsement. My paragraphs and sentences are all the same length. That's bad. According to my creative writing teacher, at least. This hasn't been a worthwhile semester. I'm wasting my parents' money. I'm an asshole of a son. Yup yup.

Maybe I'll edit this and put more in later.

For those of you unaccustomed to me swearing...well, I'm not sorry for swearing, but sorry if you're offended. But outside the bubble, people swear. Maybe I'm just so anxious to get out of the bubble, I've concocted my own bubble of unbubbliness inside the bubble. "You should write an essay on that," my creative writing teacher would say. He's a hack.