Sunday, August 13, 2006

Dear Self,



Dear self,

You're kind of a disappointment. Your current theme is "Pissing in the Wind" by badly drawn boy - so I guess at least that's okay...you've still got decent music tastes, I guess. You're taking entirely too long at everything you're doing, and the quality if only sub-par. You're not going to get much higher a grade on this paper about Islam than a B, and you're just going to have to settle for it.

For the last time, your parents don't want to help you buy a damn car. You've asked your mom, she kind of denied you, then later you talked to dad about it, he got angry and yelled, and then again when you brought it up to mom today, she actually seemed like she was considering it, seeing as how you're almost 21, you have actual need of a car, and you'll be moving to Utah soon...but that was just a farse. She doesn't really want you to have a car. Your sister IS selling her car in a while, but you'll never be able to afford it...hell, you have $400 some-odd dollars in your student loan fund, but you think you're going to use that towards something constructive? Don't make me laugh. You'll be a monitor for your computer that you need, because your current monitor hurts your eyes, and doesn't even belong to you.

You might think you will have enough money in student loans next semester, but that's a fallacy as well. You might not even think you'll need to ask your parents for rent, giving you some false sense of security, but that's bunk as well. You're reliant on them, and you'll never be out from under their need until you become a male prostitute, or a chip'n dale dancer (which you'll never have the body for).

You try to dazzle people with witty banter, but you neglect to tell them that you only scored a 22 on the ACT. You suck, you see. There's not gentler way to put it. You even suck at the things you do recreationally. Guitar? Don't make me laugh...no psaltry tunes for you. (insert school-related activity here)? Nobody in it likes you, seriously. You, once again, try to be comedic, but under your insecurities, your need for approval, and your neurosis, you're nothing but a distraction from the peopel who really know what they're doing up there. You've been contemplating not doing it next semester, and that's probably one of the most rational decisions you could make.

You're also a let-down. Due to your other 'plans,' no matter how 'important' they might be, you're letting people down. Always. Your parents are disappointed because you don't go to church every Sunday (and make a point of guilt-tripping you whenever they DO talk to you, or just yelling, outright), and dangle that over your head, your little brother doesn't have a proper role-model to look up to, due to all your dysforia, and you've let your friendships slip between your fingers. You've promised grandeur for some, coninued communication with others, and have disappointed all. Congratulations. You can't even manage to talk to the love of your life for more than 10 minutes without begging for them to take you back after dumping you in the firstplace because you were terribly unsubstantial for their needs.

You should really stop writing this letter to yourself, you know. You reallize how much of a plea for appreciation it is, and yet you continue writing away. You feel that pain in your right wrist? Yup. It's probably carpel-tunnel (learn to spell, you jackass). You can stop with the hypochondria as well. You tell yourself that it's a sign of high intelligence, and you may have even lied yourself into believing it, but really, it's just you being ridiculous.

I can't put this any other way but the next two weeks are going to be hell for you. You'll feel terribly insignificant, and you'll fail miserably at the tasks you'll attempt to accomplish. You might as well disregard any of those silly little horoscopes you sometimes think of. "Wow, they're accurate," is another misnomer. You just ache for someplace to fit in. It's with this that I have to leave you. I'm cooking a chicken pot pie, you see, and eventhough it's frozen, and easily done, and eventhough you could have PROBABLY (well, maybe) concoted one yourself, it's nearing the burning point.
Less than salutatious,
Yourself.

6 Comments:

Blogger AttemptingthePath said...

i don't know what youre situation with your little brother is...but lemme take you down a little trip on memory lane with AtP.

When I was 13 my gay brother moved back in, and he took me under his wing...after staying up to watch Tori Amos on Leno we went and had some tea and he told me that he wanted to be the best older brother that he could. He did that until a few months before he died. I'll never forget the fact that he let me borrow his CDs, or that he let me stay and watch foriegn films with him and his boyfriend, etc.

anyway, just try your best with your little brother--he'll always remember it.

14 August, 2006 00:15

 
Blogger Ally Kat said...

My Brother From Another Mother,
K-Kun,

Shut the heck up man!
C'mon, this sounds like those
Skitzo on Papers you used to do!
Don't let your inner critic run ya, get it out and let it go. Sure a few friends have come and gone, same in my life. We survive, thats what humans do. You ever need to chat, know that the Angel Of Mint is here for you, and she'd love to prove to you that people care, Gay or Straight, Mormon or Not. EVEN people in the church. (Crazah neh) So, give yourself a chance, and take the good doctors advice:

When getting a diagnosis from inside, ALWAYS seek a second opinion.

Mine: You are a joy, and quite a looker, use your smile and your art and your boyish charm to show the world that there is more to K-Kun than an empty heart and a broken spirit and maybe the world will mend them for you..

Worth a try no da?

~Sayonara, AoM

P.S. As far as I've seen Chibi Ellis is your spitting image, but wears tighter pants and plays the practically jokster. He drives Richens crazy (who doesn't) but you know what, he knows his stuff and seems to enjoy it. Who knows, I think he'll turn out just fine (whatever fine is).

14 August, 2006 05:20

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to just hug you. I hear a part of myself in you. If you ever need to talk let me know or if you need to email. It seems you need a friend. I hate when I get feeling down. That is when I beat myself up too. Get to feeling better!

18 August, 2006 23:01

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't want to minimize the reality of your feelings, but it seems to me that this post has many examples of the negative "self talk" that is so common in depression. I hope it's something you have discussed with your therapist and have started to be able to recognize and counter.

If I may make a few comments of my own on some of "Yourself"'s points: as evidence that you're "kind of a disappointment", he offers: (1) the prospect of a B in Islam and your ACT score; (2) money troubles; (3) guilt trips about church and your brother; (4) an assertion that people don't like you and you let them down; (5) horoscopes; and (6) chicken pot pies.

Here's why I don't find this convincing: (1) and (6) just don't matter that much in the long run. In five or ten years, they won't make any difference to you. So they're just short-term issues. I'm sure you know this, but I think it's worth stating explicitly.

(2) and (3) have more to do with your circumstances and your family's character than yours. That's not to say that your financial situation isn't difficult, just that it doesn't reflect on your worth, especially at your age, coming home unexpectedly from a mission. It won't last for ever, and in a few years you can be financially independent of your parents. About your family, depression and sexuality are aspects of life that are bigger than the platitudes you hear at church, and they may not be very well equipped to deal with what you're experiencing. I doubt any awkwardness with them is just you.

(5) is interesting. My observation is that horoscopes are written, quite skillfully, to apply to people whose lives aren't going too well at the moment. I say ignore them except to notice when they start to seem completely irrelevant, which may be a sign of progress.

(4) is the hardest, and there may be a kernel of truth to it, because depression doesn't help anyone's self esteem or social skills. But I notice "Yourself" is very short on specifics, and I suspect him of ignoring contrary evidence. Some of the comments on this blog seem to contradict him, just for instance.

From the little I've known you through this blog, I think "Yourself" is offering a distorted view of reality. He didn't mention how well you write (and occasional misspellings are unimportant), that you have great photos for your posts, and that you've gotten through some really difficult circumstances. I think the experience of overcoming a close call with suicide is a heroic one that will have far more significance for you, and for those you know and love and may be able to help, than you may appreciate right now.

I hope he was also wrong about how bad these two weeks were likely to be, and that things are going relatively well.

I didn't know you were moving to Utah. I hope it is an improvement! Where will you be?

20 August, 2006 22:05

 
Blogger epadavito said...

good job - I thought this was hilarious....seriously...good job -sometimes you got to just laugh...and that was great - isn't it great how we know our own faults and shortcomings sooo well!.....so anyway....you'll be fine...c'mon....you can do it....just breathe and read...david

30 August, 2006 12:03

 
Blogger epadavito said...

try to write another one of these notes to self, but now - all positive and see what amazing lyrics you can come up with. Challenge yourself.

01 September, 2006 02:44

 

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