Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I Don't Know What All You can Save Me From...



I've pretty much let this blog die...I'm sure the blogging Gods are hurling lightning bolts my way as I type. Maybe I can bring it back from the dead...I know I haven't read anybody else's blog in ages...to be honest, I've been scared to. So many people's relationships crumbled at the same time as mine...I'm scared to see some get back together, but most of all, I think I'm terrified to see people move on. Misery loves company...

I said I was okay...I guess I am. I'm okay. I'm not great...I'm clinging to okay...that's what I am. Life has gotten a little bit better, I won't deny that...but I'm rife with hangups from the past that are still tugging at me.

I've chewed and swallowed a large chunk of my self hate. I'm gay. I'm to terms with that. I won't get married to a woman. I'm to terms with that, I think, for now. I'm practically only going to church the spotty few times I am because I want to keep going to school here. Lousy reason, I know, but that's what my excuse is, and I'm not terribly ashamed of it. I'm fucking human...I'm closer to terms with that than I think I ever have been - and I think it's my coming to grips with my humanity that has made me more "okay" with myself and everything than any other factor. God made us - humans - and NONE of us are perfect...we are supposed to be our best selves...I'm working with that.

I love the Gospel...I have an impossible time swallowing the "Mormon" pill though. I have faith in God, I have hope in a Christ, and I believe that the LDS church is the closest thing that the world has to truth right now...I'm wanting to believe, but what I believed before, or crammed down my own throat in wants to believe in SOMETHING, have kind of been regurgitated, and require inspection.

I'm past blind obedience. Life is too short not to question things. We're humans for a reasons. We have brains for a reason. Following laws and doctrines to the best of our ability is what we are here to do...that doesn't mean we have to do them without thinking first. There are many
doctrines of the church that I cherrish, and some that are close to impossible for me...and I know it sounds like a cop out, and hell, maybe it is a little bit of one, but remaining vurtuous and chaste, in the Gospel sense, isn't something I'm sure I can uphold for my whole life...and now I sound like I'm going to hell. (and now i feel like there are about five of you just rolling your eyes and saying "there he goes," and I'm sorry for that, but....I need to love me...this is the best I can do right now)

The thought has been fluttering in and out of my mind, lately - should I keep wearing garments? I love what they represent, but I'm not confident in my ability to uphold those covenants...am I making a mockery of the Gospel by continuing to wear them?

Dating kind of bites. I had him...my him. I felt like I could spend a forever with him, and I would have been willing if he would have asked me for it...then I lost him...he took a higher road than I could handle, and I respect him SO much for that
...I'm just terrified that he'll be lonely...I refuse to see him lonely and unhappy...I guess that's why I feel like I'd take him back in a heartbeat if ever he asked me...I don't want to seem like an easy target, but that's just how much I love, and am IN love with him. I've tried dating two guys since...well, kind of dating. The first one I refused to lead the boy on. He was staggeringly nice, extremely sweet but he just...he didn't compare. And the guy I'm seeing now...I'm terrified that he isn't nearly comparable. Am I voraciously picky? Do I just know what I want? I guess in this situation I'm kind of a sucker for a pretty face, and nice actions, but...the boy lacks the wit and intelligent conversation potential that my Knight carried...he doesn't read books often...he isn't in love with travel, he doesn't speak any foreign languages, he's never loved soil other than our own...he isn't as much of a man.

What is a man...sure it's "Manly" to be muscular, and strong...I'm not sure if I had more muscle mass than Knight, I very well may have weighed more than he did, but that's not what I cared about. Knight didn't have the most gorgeous face I've ever seen...but it WAS the most gorgeous face I've ever seen. It was perfect, and if I were to go blind, having that be the last thing I saw, I think I would be contented...he had the only that I truly long to curl up beside on a cold night, and know that I could recieve warmth from it.

He was the only person that I've let myself trust...the only one I've been ABLE to let myself trust. I'd trust him with any secret, any idea, any passion...I trusted him enough to, in time, let him love me...and make love.

And now that I've severely aggrevated one or more reader with my past hangups on someone that I don't think I will ever stop being in love with, I'll try to find some other topic to talk about.

Last term was hectic. This term has been, so far, forgetful - I've forgotten what time classes have started, I've forgotten counselling apointments and I've nearly forgotten work (I have a job at one of the copy places here on campus now...yay). Books took a tax on what small money I was making last term, but this new position will help with cashflow, I'm sure.

Being carless is stifling. I've finally met more "family" here in Rexburg...some have hated me (which I snickered at), and some have become great friends. I've found that my true friends will look past the disappointments that I give them, and that other people are backstabbers. I've had people get entertainment at my expense, I've had extreme anxiety about others in league with backstabbers, and I've wanted to cry but haven't been able to. I remember what it is to hate one person....only one. And I hate her more than I think I've ever hated a jock or preppie in high school...I hate her music, and I hate her fashion...I hate that, in order to get other people's attention, she has to resort to making fun of people, myself a prime example.

I hate one of my roomates - a totalitarian dictator in training. I wouldn't be too sad if he got hit by a car. I'm going to be sad to see one of my other roomates move out at the end of the semester.

More people know about me...I think I'm less and less of a secret, and more and more of a token gay friend...I'm not cool with that. I have to be up in 6 and a half hours, so I think I'll retire. I'm going to try to post more here later.

I need to remember that this is MY blog...I can't be ruled by what I think some readers' opinions will be because of my actions. My life is my life to live, and it's too short to live it regretting what I haven't done. I am my own person, and damn anyone for thinking less of me for being human.

Goodnight.

7 Comments:

Blogger -L- said...

Regrets change. They have for me, anyway. What people think changes. You're right to give things a lot of thought and be deliberate about what you want to do.

Good luck to you.

12 July, 2006 05:03

 
Anonymous Foxx said...

I can't be ruled by what I think some readers' opinions will be because of my actions. My life is my life to live, and it's too short to live it regretting what I haven't done. I am my own person, and damn anyone for thinking less of me for being human.

*applause*

12 July, 2006 12:14

 
Blogger The Empath said...

AWESOME PM (I really wish I could call you by your real name) I am UBER EXCITED for you to be getting better... baby steps always... always baby steps...

You know... I'm moving out... going to college (Mount Hood Community College in Gresham) and I'd be so uber excited to hear from you again... If you don't remember my e-mail... just comment on my journal and I'll get it to you... but I'm sure you remember your ally kat right?

I'm sorry it seems like I'm trying so hard to get back in contact with you... but... I miss you... and I just want to tell you in person... that I am proud of you for coming so far in life... you really are a great role model. Thank you.

~Ally Kat

12 July, 2006 18:39

 
Anonymous Matt25 said...

It's great to hear from you again. I'm glad things are okay. That sounds like a big improvement!

I agree with your post, and the other commenters. Your own autonomy and freedom of conscience deserve far more weight than other people's opinions, especially ignorant opinions. This is something I have had a lot of trouble with, and it sounds like you're doing much better than I was when I was in college.

As always, good luck. If you do start writing more, I look forward to reading it.

12 July, 2006 22:19

 
Blogger CatchingWaterfalls said...

Hey you, It is good to hear from you again. If you are ever back up here give me a ring and we can hang. I'm glad to see that you are doing better. Even if it is a small amout. I don't know much about this knight of yours, acceopt what you have written about him. But having had who I thought was my knight and losing him I can tell you that it may take time but if it was not meant to be then you will move on and find someone else. Wow this is turning into a long comment. Anyway, Take care.

Seth

13 July, 2006 00:17

 
Blogger Liz-a-nator said...

I'm going to sound like a dillusional teenage rebel right now, but I simply can't stop clinging to the truth of the things I'm about to say. And that is props for not taking anything at face value! Question everything! Find out for yourself what's true and what's not, and don't feel obligated to act upon truth you don't know! And to hell with anyone who can't or won't accept you for the wonderful, caring, fun, blessedly imperfect human being that you are. Damn society and their expectations. Human beings are bound to be unhappy if they try to live up to anyone else's expectations but their own. I love you more than you know, and I always will, no matter what you do or which path you choose or where your life leads you. And really, it's very difficult to get to hell. I think hell actually will have a much smaller population than we think. You have to be pretty callously inhuman to be sent to hell. Love you and with you...here for you always!

13 July, 2006 22:41

 
Blogger J-E-N said...

I second Liz. Especially the "Damn society and their expectations" part. Miss you!

14 July, 2006 12:25

 

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