So For Now, I'm Alive

I didn't sleep this last night, but that's totally okay. I feel completely philisophical. Right now, I have reason, I have purpose. What that rason or purpose is, I'm not entirely sure, but at least I know that it's there.

Since I didn't sleep, I decided that I needed to watch the sunrise from atop the water tower. It was 6am, and I was already breaking the law. Unfortunately (but I think fortunately, as well, due to my fear of heights), the full stairwell up the side of the tower was blocked off, but that didn't stop me from climbing 1/4 of the way and watching as the sun rose.

I remember I kept on looking in the wrong place, trying to figure out where the sun would come up. It had been far too long since I had seen a sunrise, so I'm glad that I took this opportunity to watch for it.

I think I reallize, now, why it is that Superman gets his energy from our Yellow Sun. And Birdman too. The sun is envigorating, even if it is chilly enough outside that you can see your breath, and your black satin jacket isn't enouigh to keep you sufficiently warm.

White knuckled, I grasp the side of the ladder for, it must have been, close to an hour, and watched the sun rise. I read part of The Perks of Being a Wallflower while I was up there. I wanted to cry. And then, moments later, I was elated at the sight of the sun.

I've been questioning the very basis of my belief lately. What is right for me? What will bring me happiness? We only get one shot at life, and if you live it miserably, I think that's a sin. I wasn't created to be miserable, now was I?

The only thing that terrifies me about thinking like that, is that it involves toying with the idea of paving my own way...letting loose my grip on the beliefs that I've tried to cling to for 20 years...what if they're just not what I need? What if they're making this depression and self abuse worse? That terrifies me.

But for now...I have a little bit of peace...at least, I did when I started writing this.

I listened to, what I consider, our song on the way to and from the water tower today. I want it all back, what we had. But you don't think it's what's best, and I love you enough to let that hurt stay...the hurt of not being able to be close to me...but that's okay. It's out of me now...I don't have to try to find the words to express it again any time in the immediate future. The words are no longer threatening me.

I've read so much in these past 2 days, that it's almost staggering. I'm on a roll, and I think that I want to keep going with it.

For today, I have a reason to live. If I don't climb the water tower to watch the sunrise, it might as well not happen...Dawn breaking, I mean. It's kind of on the same vein as the "if a tree falls in the forest" thing...If I don't take advantage of the things in life that happen, then there's no point to living. Carpe diem. Morte Gratis. Bene Ego Volo.

The photo up there was actually taken just this morning. I was driving back from the water tower, and I saw the street "sunrise," and I had to take a photo.