Happiness Was Two Kinds of Ice Cream
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.
I'm scared.
I'm scaRED.
I'M scared of the future. I'm scared that everytime that I've let myself call someone my 'best friend,' that they've run away, or pushed me away, or tried to move without my notice. I'm overemotional...I let myself get attached to men too much.
I don't want to live a celibate life. But I have to...I don't think that, honestly, that I'm ever going to be able to marry...I want happiness, but in the gospel, it's almost been brainwashed into me that that requires a family consisting of a wife and kids as well as a man...My brain knows different...it's just how do you convince your heart, when it says your head is lying...I don't want to continue being depressed, or unhappy...not that happiness will come from homosexual encounters...for me it'll come in self acceptance...self acceptance that I don't know how to even offer to myself...right now, it's only blame blame blame.
I feel horrible that I blame God for this.
I blame God for this.
I blame god for THIS.
I BLAME God for this.
Yes, I know he's the one who allows things to happen to us for a reason...There's a reason.... but even if it's for my education, I'd rather live in ignorance than have to deal with this further...Why do I have to be the one to learn this lesson? Why can't I be normal? I want to be free from this mental cycle of blame upon blame upon blame. I want solace....I want normalcy...I want freedom from codependancy, and from emotion.
I miss the days when happiness was 2 kinds of ice cream, or getting to play the xylophone in music class, or opening a brand new 12 pack of crayons.
Can I catch fireflies, and have that be enough? Can I go back to the days of thinking that my conscience was really a cricket? or thinking that rubbing a magic lamp could bring me three wishes? I wish that I thought that the four winds were really giant clouds with the faces of men, constantly billowing and blowing from over the horizon, hidden from my eyes, but visable to whomever it was that drew all those maps.
Paper stars on cielings aren't the real night sky...but when I try to look at the black expanse, clouds come in for cover...the sky knows that I don't belong out there...what can I do?
Who are you to blame when you're not really who you are?
That aside, I had a very un-depressed weekend with El Veneno, Pinetree, and Smurf. Down in Provo, it's so comfortable...I have people to relate to. I can say one word, look in somoene's eyes, and they understand my soul in its entirity. Those of you who made this weekend magical, I thank you, and owe you part of my life.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 1:51 AM
4 Comments:
I was really glad to hear that you has such a great weekend with El Veneno and the crowd. I think good friends who are able to empathize are the key to getting out of saddness.
I feel for you and your struggles. I know that you are good. I can tell that your desires are righteous. I think that it important. Sometimes it's the desires that count because there is just so much out of our control that we can only sometimes have the desire, and the desire has to be good enough.
"Paper stars on cielings aren't the real night sky...but when I try to look at the black expanse, clouds come in for cover...the sky knows that I don't belong out there...what can I do?"
You are doing all you can do, keep hanging out with good friends, work on the things that you can change, and know that self acceptance is your number one priority. Once you accept yourself whole heartedly, everything else will fall into place. I'm trying to do that right now. I know it's not easy. Hang in there.
21 February, 2006 07:09
First of all, I love that song. I love that musical! Yes, it's simple, and I think life can be that simple.
However, this struggle for self-acceptance is normal. It comes easier to some than to others, but please remember that you are normal. Or, if you prefer, there is no normal. Self-acceptance is the key to happiness. You cannot, however, achieve self-acceptance without first having self-awareness. Your soul, your deep-down self, knows how to accept itself, but you have to find it and listen to it.
One thing I learned in some of my BYU acting courses was that if you have an impulse to do something, it's there for a reason. On stage, it's because that urge is the sum of all you've studied and learned about your character and that character comes out on stage as you follow the impulses. However, if you deny those impulses, they will stop coming.
Since acting is all about being as true to the character as you can, it is easy to see how the prinicples can apply to life, with you as the character. As you study yourself and your behavior, your wants and your desires, you get to know yourself - this is self-awareness. As your awareness increases, and you listen to your soul (impulses, even the silly bop-to-the-beat ones), it becomes easier to accept the self you've found -- because you know it is REAL. It's the best you. And you will be constantly discovering new things about who you are.
It also gets easier to change, the more aware you are, so you can become the person you want to be. It's not just about adjusting behavior, it's about the passion and desire to be better that makes you able to modify your deepest core self.
21 February, 2006 15:39
At least you can look back and be happy about a good weekend. Even though things are not going so great, its the keeping the positive things that make you want to keep going, like good friends. You shouldnt be afraid that your friends will leave you, I dont know why...you just shouldnt. Why would you have reason to. As for anything that is bringing you down, go ahead,blame God all you want. Most people do. You just need to relize how you can get through this test. I really dont know if you take my comments to heart, or if you read them at all, you tell me you do, but sometimes its hard to believe. I just want you to know, no matter what, there is someone out there for you to talk to. Even if you feel like your friends will abandon you, there is always someone there. You cant feel scared anymore, you cant feel hopeless, thats not what passing the test is right? Just hold on to hope, and know that help is there where you need it. You just need to know where to look.
21 February, 2006 23:38
Hey. It was cool meeting you this weekend. Keep the faith brother.
22 February, 2006 14:02
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