Post Secret
No real post tonight....okay, that's a lie...
First off http://postsecret.blogspot.com Check it out. Pretty much this is one of the most inspiring ideas I've ever come across...infact I didn't even come across it, someone else pointed it out to me.
Today has been the 3rd day in a long string of crappy days. Today piqued in a full on anxiety attack. I had just spent money on groceries...I don't like having to eat because it means spending money...isn't that horrible? Anyway, I dropped a girlfriend off to shoe shop while I ran over to the movie theater I've been trying desparately to get a job at. As I walked in, I made eye contact with the manager that I needed to talk to. He promptly moved to the back...employee area or whatever. I talked to the girl at the counter "I need to talk to your manager in charge of hiring, please," I stated cordially. I thought "finally, I've got him cornered!" Much to my frustration, she returned and said "Yeah, he's busy getting some films started, he'll call you back later."
I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH THE BASTARD. The lines were horrendous! The place is obviously UNDERSTAFFED. I'm far more qualified than the pippy-twats working there...barely high school grads with no real motivation...living off mommy and daddy's cash. I need a job, damnit. I turned on my heel, mouth full of guile, and sat in my car.
At the shoe store, I found a pair that I obviously couldn't buy, as they cost $20, and I shouldn't be spending any money...I let them sit, but vowed to return and purchase them upon gathering some funds, be it through honest employment, or whoring myself out...damn.
Return home...anxiety builds. Crapface person who barges into my apartment and I can't stand is there, bugging people as usual...I told him I refused to talk to him, there was an anxiety attack on the brink of spilling over. I went to my room and bawled.
This is the third day in a row that I've been thrown into hysterics because of frustration, loneliness, or dispair. No, coming out of the closet and "accepting that I'm gay," and living the lifestyle isn't going to make it go away...sorry to be a blunt bastard, but I don't want to hear that tonight. I don't want to hear people chide "you need to accept how you are, and just go fuck some stud in the ass." Not happening, my lovelies. I'd be more emotionally unstable were I to fornicate in such a manner, nigh unto suicide...I WOULD kill myself.
I won't ask for a pardon of the swearing...I don't feel I need a pardon. These are my words...interperet them how you will.
Ношт.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 3:03 AM
5 Comments:
Hey, I just came across your blog. I'm a gay LDS RM living here in Salt Lake (still active in the Church). I can relate to what you're going through, so drop me an email if you would like to chat.
28 January, 2006 03:15
I like postsecret. Have you ever sent anything in?
This semester is the first time I've actually completely paid my own way. It's an awful feeling when you start having to count dollars and be stingy. Whoring yourself does pay well and could solve $ problem, but like you so eloquently said,, that would cause other problems.
You definitely don't need a pardon for the swearing. I think they were exactly the words you needed for your message. I'm glad you can at least express your feelings somewhere and I hope you know that people are listening and care.
You are so emo... jk :-)
28 January, 2006 15:09
This is the first time that I read you blog, and I have an idea of what you’re going through. You’re the kind of person that I’d learn a lot of from… Just reading your last 2 posts I’ve learned something about life. Thank you for “trying” to express yourself and let strangers like me learn from your “life”… (Personal thought) Sometimes when I feel like this, I try to Focus on the LORD the most that I can, reading scriptures, helping others, just saying “I love you” to people that I care and sincerely love… OR a lot of the times I just go shopping…It helps me out to “forget” for a moment the “bad” things of this world, and then remember that everything in this life needs a balance. “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.” Sometimes I feel like “opposition” is what I get the most, but then I realize that’s not true… Anyway… Sorry I’m being boring but I felt like I have to give you something back of what I’ve learned from your blog… maybe you’re tired to hear the same “crap” every time, but that’s what I felt like “saying” to you. Good luck and I hope everything gets better!:)
Your Latino bro in Heaven
“Cranguy”
28 January, 2006 23:26
Sometimes you need to just take your frustration out. Who cares if you cuss, who cares if you blow off other people. If you feel angry and feel anxiety, then you have the right to be left alone.
09 February, 2006 00:19
I am a gay man who grew up in Rexburg, went to BYU-Idaho and on a mission. I know live in San Francisco. Whenever I go back to Rexburg to visit family or friends, it still brings back a sense of anguished lonelyness for me.
I have never felt like I just wanted to have sex for sexs sake. My experiance here is that most people looking to hook up are just lonly and a one night stand is a way to try and fill the void. I think most guys whould say that they are looking for a long term relationship (if they are not currently in one)That is true even here in San Francisco. I think your decision to not have sex until you find someone you love is a great idea. just fucking some stud in the ass is not too compelling if you are not in love with that stud and he is not in love with you and you dont fantasize about spending the rest of your life together growing old and watching the Simpsons on TV or whatever. Love, not sex is the big payoff and it sounds like you know that. So why not date some guys and see what happens. If you feel lonely then go on some dates, just like all the straight single people around you, you have to go looking for love.
As a side note I am not a mormon anymore. I think there are some great mormons and some great mormon beleifs, (and some awful mormons and some real backward beleifs). I took the good and rejected the bad in mormonism..... why lower my standards and embrace the bad. I know what being a good person is, and what is right and wrong and I dont need someone to tell me that. Follow your heart, go on a few dates..... if you think you want to wait until you go someplace else to come out and go on some dates then start exploring that. Whatever you do decide, know that you are not alone, you can find love and happiness with a boyfriend who loves and cares about you more than anything and who you love and care about more than anything, who you can share your life with and yes even have crazy monkey love sex with too.
31 January, 2007 15:59
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