I am so Rational...
I don't know if it's a consequence of not taking my medication last night, and then finally taking it this afternoon, or what, but I am feeling so freaking paranoid right now...so agonizingly....just...erased....and I'm going to post here, because I know that there are few of you who really know me in person, and I can just get this off my chest. In times when I'm feeling most neurotic, and helpless, getting this out in text tends to help the most.
I am forgotten by the one good friend I had. It's not consequential to his working nights (or maybe it is), it's not consequential to my LIVING with him (or maybe it is), but my roomate, and best friend is leaving me wanting....gosh, I'm a neurotic mess.
Here's the premise on which I'm basing this paranoid rant...I'm not on his MSN instant messager list...am I ridiculous? My brain says "yes," but my instincts, leaving me frantic, say no. This is what happens whenever I let myself have a "best friend." I get pushed away...most often times by my own doing. I might not be in his phonebook on his phone next. He IS moving to a different, outrageously priced apartment next semester...maybe avoiding me is his goal. I tend to complain about my SSA every once in a while to him...but no, I don't feel like it's to the point of being annoying. We just don't really TALK anymore...that makes me SO sad. I should have heeded co-worker advice, and NOT lived with my 'best friend.' How selfish am I? Sitting here complaining...he's got a life...but dagnabbit, I want one.
I still haven't found a job...and while the graphic design place that I applied at said that they REALLY liked my worksample, they aren't going to be hiring anyone, they've decided, until mid February. I'm frantic...I'm at my whit's end...
The movie theater that I'm applying at...the manager is NEVER available. I'm supposed to call in around 5 tonight, but I was supposed to do that these past 2 days, and to what outcome? My STOPPING IN did nothing, as he wasn't there. Also, there aren't any positions for art models left open either...looks like Rexburg Opinion Center, here I come...guh.
I'm feeling kind of suicidal right now...gyarg. No, not suicidal...but...this is kind of the feeling that I wanted to escape while I was still in Oregon...will this ever stop?
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 3:43 PM
10 Comments:
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25 January, 2006 16:29
You tried to run away from Oregon thinking thinsg would get better, but as long as you are running nothing will change. You cand hide from your problems, you have to face them. It sounds to me like you have friends who support you even though you are SSA. Guess what, the love you, but nothing is gonna get better until you love yourself. It is all inside you.
25 January, 2006 16:29
You will find a job and you will eventually be happy again! Trust!
25 January, 2006 16:31
i happened upon your blogg... i was mad cuz i was reading other people who were open about being Mormon and being Gay. Then I read some of yours. Maybe something you need to realize is that you are not the only one with these feelings. You're not the only one who struggles with this. The key is that struggling gives way to strength. Trust me...it's hard. BUT... it's a choice. It's a very difnite choice. You caught my eye... and you intrigue me as well. if you don't mind... i plan on revisiting your blog.
good luck with the job. and... i will keep you in my prayers.
25 January, 2006 20:43
No. It wont.
And Your Problem With Your Best Friend Reminds Me Of Previous Problems You've Had With Other Friends Who Were To "Clingy" For You. I Sense A Vicious Cycle.
Don't Shut Your Friends Out, Physical or Virtual.
~Love
25 January, 2006 23:22
So you're a graphic designer huh? Nice.
26 January, 2006 14:30
I realize that it's different with you since you and your roommate are already friends, but this reminds me of how I used to be with dates...2 dates and I'm thinking marriage, so I obsess over every little thing and trying to "read" what it means (but ended up reading too much into it instead).
This kept me single every bit as long as my SSA. I had to slow down and let things happen and not let myself worry about where things went (ironically, I am having the same problem again as I look for healthy male friendships...getting ahead of myself and obsessing).
As for best friends living together, I never recommend it. People need their space, and living with someone you are already close with can be threatening to that space. Do you think that could be what he's doing?
Also, remember that discouragement is one of Satan's biggest and most powerful tools, and with your job hunt, and being in a new area, etc, he has plenty to work with.
Hang in there and the next time you get down, remember that it's how we handle the tough times that defines us, and you can choose how to be defined.
26 January, 2006 22:45
Have a great weekend buddy. :-)
27 January, 2006 18:58
Is that you? I keep thinking that is an interesting looking tshirt, too bad I can't see more of it.
28 January, 2006 06:48
A job is always good, but what use is it if your not happy enough? Your going to be miserable at any job if you dont stop running away from your problems.
09 February, 2006 00:13
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