I Need to See the Real Night Sky, Outside
Once again, I must make my point, however odd it might be, about the whole pawnshop friend thing. I'm there to be the butt of everybody's joke. I constantly get told to shut up, or stop talking, or, quit making stupid comments, or whatever. And yet these people are my 'friends'? I'll blame it on my "sucker for punishment" personality type.
To put it shortly, New Years Eve sucked...topped off with a dab of guilt. Add a dash of insecurity because I know that I'll never live up to my New Year's Resolution to kick porn...I know I'm going to try, but I'm just not going to do it in the end...ya ya ya...say that, and you never will. All I really want is just to be happy again. I want to, for once, not feel any twinge of guilt, or fear anyone...be able to exist in harmony with everything around me. And all that doesn't add to getting treated like crap by my friends...the ONLY friends I have here in my parent's town...everybody else is gone...the only people I go to for social interaction, and I get bashed...and when I try to defend myself? They say "you're being too uptight." One friend was making repeated comments about "Jesus Lion," talking about Aslan from the Lion/witch/wardrobe. Funny enough, I wasn't too offended by it....but when it climbs to the point of sacrelige because said "friend" is saying "Jesus Lion" every 5 seconds...calling me to bow down and repent before Jesus Lion, I get shot down. "Quit being so uptight!" Thanks...the constant repetetion started to grate on my nerves, and so I said to cut it out...Far less caustic than "shut up, you're making gay comments." And I'm the uptight one.
"It's just in our character to be rude, and mean," I was told. If you're not willing to change something as minimal as NOT making fun of one friend, are you really worth being that person's friend in the end? When they pass off that rudeness as "tough love," and expect you to just deal with insults grating on your paternally-instilled inferiority complex, is it so outrageous to be able to expect your friends to concede, and make things a little bit easier on you?
So remember forever ago when I said that I thought my boss was gay? I was right. Yesterday was my last day at the store I worked at, and as such, following my resignation papers, I posed the question: "So, you remember that one question I was going to ask you that one night?" (I was going to ask him, but stopped myself short, because I wasn't sure if it was something that could get me into trouble with the company or not...kind of like asking about religeon at work...it's a no-no). "Ya, I remember," he said as he started to smirk....pause....he knew EXACTLY what that question was...."well......are you?" I stammered? "Yeah," he said. Victory was mine.
Now, it's not a case of me thinking he's attractive...naw, he's shorter than me, and smaller, and has red hair....blah. Were I to go for a guy, my boss was DEFINATELY not my type. I mean...he's good looking and all, but neh...nope not my type.
Anyway...yeah.
I need to go pack my bags for Rexburg. Oh joyous Rexburg. Hopefully I'll find something that'll lift my spirits over there, other than just being out of reach of my father...I'm not going to expect to not be depressed once I'm out of here...I've had to come to the reallization that I've got issues that I've left unchecked for far too many years, and have been forced to face them...depression, most likely, won't leave for a little while.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 6:19 PM
10 Comments:
You can't just wish for feelings of guilt and fear to go away, because when they come back to bite you in the butt when you think its gone forever...its going to suck really bad. I just want you to be careful when it comes to trying to feel better about stuff like that.
02 January, 2006 21:13
I can definitely relate to what you've gone through with your so-called friends, as the same happend to me when I was younger. The answer is: Yes, you should be able to expect more from them. But they probably won't change their behavior.
I found that once I got to college, and had a much larger group of people to associate with, I gravitated toward people that not only were more like me and shared my interests, but were mutually respectful as well. I never had contact with any of my former high school "friends" after that (except one).
I truly hope you meet some happy, well-adjusted gay Mormons in Rexburg. Sharing your thoughts on the Internet just doesn't compare to having someone who can listen to you in person -- and give you a big hug, as needed.
I wish you all the best in 2006.
Dave
04 January, 2006 03:07
I've now read all your blogs to date, I don't know what about your blogs specifically interest me (as I am neither gay (as far as I can tell) nor mormon, though I have many mormon friends)or why I have never posted a comment until now. I suppose I just wanted to wait untill I felt I could tell you something, some peice of advice that would actually be of help to you. But I've found that I can't in one word/sentance/paragraph be of any real help. So I ask that you would E-mail me if you ever feel the need for someone to talk to. My email Nicolas_b7@hotmail.com We could become something of pen pals as I also often feel the need for someone to talk to. And for some reason am constantly drawn back to your blog I think it may be god sending me back each time trying to get me to be of some use to you. Some help in some way, though I cannot fathom what that is. Perhaps we could sort one another out eh? Figure it worth a try.
05 January, 2006 12:15
I found your blog through Megan and posted a comment at her place about people in your situation. It only seems right to post it here.
"On a serious note, to those who are still struggling with being gay: You are what you are. It's not a choice, and there is no cure. The sooner you accept this part of you, the sooner you can discover the other thousands of wonderful things that make you special."
As for friends, as you get a little older, you'll find people you have something more in common with than just "they're available." I know that doesn't help now, but take my experience to heart: It does get better.
http://breakfast-at-tiffanys.blogspot.com/
05 January, 2006 21:41
I just read all of the messages you posted in your blog. Now I understand more completely what you're going through. And I see that we're alike in more ways than I had earlier realized.
I, too, am a perfectionist. I strive constantly to do more, do better, to not only meet, but exceed, others' expectations. It has been pointed out to me that I'm an overachiever, but I've so far been unable to connect with that concept: Although I've achieved quite a lot, it still seems to me that I've achieved far too little.
Like you, I'm on Effexor and Ambien (actually, I've switched to Lunesta, because it makes me sleep longer). Like you, I am seeing a therapist (a psychiatrist). However, in my case it's to address the perfection/expectations/overachieving issues, the stress of which finally caught up with me last September and literally knocked me down with physical manifestations.
So I know what it's like to feel a little shaky, to feel off-balance, to feel unsettled by having to rely on drugs to help me get through the day.
I went through all the same things you are now experiencing regarding your sexuality: the guilt from masturbating, the longing to be heterosexual and be "normal," the depression from being at odds with my religion, the never-ending anxiety, and so on.
Fortunately for me, I got past all of the gay-related issues long ago. The fact that you're grappling with the sexuality issues in addition to the others has got to be extremely difficult.
I'm torn about what to recommend that you do. On the one hand, I know that the sooner you truly come to grips with your homosexuality, the sooner you will experience unimaginable relief. On the other hand, I've learned from my own recent therapy that one can't address all of his or her issues at once. I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed, and I wouldn't want to suggest anything that would contribute to your feeling any more overwhelmed than you already are.
The one thing that I really urge you to do is this: If you're seeing an LDS therapist, please stop seeing him and seek care from a non-LDS psychiatrist. It's crucial that you're treated by a therapist who has a sane, enlightened -- and medically appropriate -- attitude toward homosexuality.
Finally, I want to emphasize this: I, and various others who have commented here, may be strangers to you, but we care about you. Know that you will continue to receive support here.
That said, please consider actually talking with people instead of just posting blog messages. Others have said they'd be available for you, and I will be, too. In fact, since I'm in Hawaii, and since I never go to sleep (never can get to sleep) before 4 a.m., Mountain Time, I'm here for you if you ever find yourself in need of someone to talk to late at night. Just e-mail me via the e-mail link on my blog profile page, and I'll send you my phone number. Also, I will send you a long-distance phone-card number so you can call me -- or anyone else -- for free, and anonymously.
Take care,
Dave
09 January, 2006 02:46
Ryan:
In reading your posts and the comments over the last several months, I see you get very disparate advice from many people (all well intentioned of course), but often conflicting. Such is the bane and beauty of blogs. I have not commmented before, but am inclined to do so now. My suggestion would be stay on your current course. Living in Rexburg myself, I am aware of its warts, but I don't believe the LDS Church is as closeminded or unenlightened on homosexuality issues as others would imply. Nor does it expect serious challenges be treated with faith alone. Rather, a combination of therapy, faith, medical help, trial, errors, reflection and time can help us overcome, and if not overcome at least endure faithfully the challenges we each have been given. I believe you can suceed. I pray that you do. Be wary of well intentioned strangers offering phone number and calling cards over the internet.
10 January, 2006 06:52
To JD:
OK, let's first put out on the table what you failed to mention in your comment: You're a male with children, so, unless presented with evidence to the contrary, I'm going to assume you're heterosexual. Which is fine.
A great many heterosexuals truly understand what struggling homosexuals are going through, and their support is helpful and appreciated. You are obviously not one who truly understands, even though you may sincerely think you do.
Homosexuality is not something that can, nor should, be "overcome." Homosexuality is every bit as natural, good, and God-given as is heterosexuality, regardless of what the Mormon Church or any other church asserts.
"Be wary of well intentioned strangers offering phone number and calling cards over the internet." That's just a little too bizarre to comment on without more information form you. Are you suggesting that a stranger offering support live over the phone is less trustworthy than a stranger who leaves a comment in a blog? What is it you mean to imply by the cautionary comment about calling cards -- which allow someone who is anxious and fearful to mask the phone number he's calling from?
JD, it's people like you (well-intentioned or not) who are responsible for contributing to the anguish of struggling gay Mormons by suggesting they may be able to "overcome" or "endure faithfully" their homosexuality.
When I mentioned to my own therapist -- a board-certified psychiatrist -- that a therapist apparently was suggesting to a struggling gay Mormon that he could overcome his homosexuality, she shook her head with sadness and dismay and said, "An LDS therapist."
Peculiar Mormon: Be wary of well-intentioned but misguided people like JD. They. Just. Don't. Get. It.
Aloha,
Dave Walter
10 January, 2006 12:37
To Dave Walter,
Point well taken. I agree with you; advice given by well-intentioned strangers over the phone is not necessarily as untrustworthy as advice given in blog comments. In fact, I concur with your suggestion that talking to folks in person would be more beneficial than sorting through widely varied advice over the Internet. My only point was one should choose wisely with whom they talk.
I was not suggesting that homosexuality can be overcome, any more then heterosexuality can be overcome. I was suggesting that in many instances life's challenges (i.e., depression, the psychological impacts of poor parenting, drug abuse, alcoholism etc.) can be endured and overcome with the items I listed in my comment. My own personal belief is that homosexuality is not something one chooses. How one chooses to act upon their sexual preferences, however, is determined by their theology and moral belief system.
For example, I come from a long line of alcoholics. I suspect my DNA is rife with little alcoholic genes. I am frequently tempted to drink, yet I choose not to because of my moral beliefs and the havoc I would cause myself and my family given my genetic make up.
There are homosexuals who because of their religious beliefs choose not to get married as you have done. Likewise, there are individuals with sexual perversions (note I am NOT insinuating homosexuality is a perversion. I am referring to things such as pedophilia) who choose not to act on those tendencies.
I agree that as a heterosexual, I will never be able to truly understand what it is like to be homosexual. On the other hand, one of my closest business partners for the past decade is gay so I would suggest I am not as misinformed as you implied, nor am I spending my time contributing to the anguish of gay Mormons. Finally, I can assure you I don’t spend time commenting in people’s blogs on the qualification of their therapists. Frankly to suggest to someone that their therapist does not hold “sane, enlightened, medically appropriate views” is not only presumptuous, but dangerous.
Regards,
JD
10 January, 2006 15:36
JD:
Thanks for sharing the further information. It helps to know more clearly what your perspectives are, particularly regarding homosexuality itself. Our viewpoints are not as far apart as I initially concluded.
I agree with you that one's life challenges can be addressed effectively through "a combination of therapy, faith, medical help, trial, errors, reflection and time." However, where we fundamentally disagree, I think, is with regard to the challenge at hand.
You've identifed the core issue as how one chooses to act upon his sexual orientation. I see it in terms of when one chooses to act upon his sexual orientation, and more specifically, when he or she chooses to accept that orientation as a good, natural, God-given thing that is not contrary to God's will.
In my view, Peculiar Mormon's happiness -- and overall mental health -- can only be secured after he realizes and accepts that the Mormon Church's proscription against homosexual behavior is wrong. Only then should the "how" issue should come into play. Namely, how he should pursue his spiritual life in light of the fact that he is a homosexual who needs, and is entitled, to live as a homosexual.
Regarding my comments about LDS therapists, you're right to call me on my sweeping generalization, and I apologize for it. (That doesn't mean I trust LDS therapists; I just don't have enough information to make a valid conclusion.) It may be that it is just Peculiar Mormon's therapist who deserves my ire. I amend my plea to Peculiar Mormon to this: If your therapist, regardless of his religion, has told you that you can overcome your homosexuality, then please seek out another therapist.
Finally, the reason I'm so passionate about this is that I worked for 14 years as journalist, seven of them focusing specifically on gay-related issues. During that time, I became all too acquainted with the recurring stories of self-hating gay people suffering terribly because of the strictures imposed on them by their religions. I became acquainted, as well, with the recurring stories of gay people experiencing peace, contentment -- and yes, even joy -- when they realized it's OK to be gay, despite what their religions hold.
Aloha,
Dave
10 January, 2006 16:27
Wow. I love the commentaries left by your readers Peculiar Mormon. I too served a mission for the LDS church in the Spain, Madrid mission. I am also quite Gay and am now no longer in the LDS church. Being Gay and Mormon is one of the most devistating things that has ever happened in my life, and like you, I too have a Gay family member. My older sister Bobbie. Thank God for her being available to me while I struggled with my own identity as a Gay man in a church-governed life while I was on my mission and suddenly realizing that "I'm Gay and on a mission for the church". OMG - the conflict was enormous. I contemplated suicide more times than I care to recall. But I'm still here and I am still Gay...and I am loving my life these days. Truly, there is a fulfilling life after the LDS church, I promise you.
I feel for you kiddo, I really do. More than anything though - please - understand that there is NOTHING wrong with you psycholgically. You are Gay and that is not going to change no matter what Psychologist or Psychiatrist you go to. It is a fact of your life as a human being. As for the P and M - Again - it is a part of being human - Satan has nothing to do with it despite the LDS church plowing into your head that it is all wrong,wrong,wrong. Use the intelligence that God gave you and educate yourself. Just the fact that you openly talk about your struggles online to anybody who will listen, tells me that you are already well aware that you need to lay this horrible conflict within yourself to rest before it buries you in guilt and frustration.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU MY FRIEND. (Sorry for the screaming Caps but I really want to help you in this matter if I can.)
Nobody can "teach" you to be anything other than Yourself. Straight, gay, Transgendered or otherwise. I remember begging God to make me a nice Heterosexual man that has nothing but the desire to be a husband, Father and a good Mormon. Guess what? All of the prayer in the world will not change the reality of who you truly are. A GOOD man that just wants everything to be OK in life for you and all of those in your life.
I am probably not making a lick of sense here and I appologize for that. It's difficult for me to talk to an on-screen white box and not to you in person. I can only hope that somehow, someway, that you are going to be strong enough to plow through all of this and come out on the other side without too many scars. I suspect that you are one of the few men out there that will not only come out on the other side stronger, but you will be able to help those LDS men and women like us, that are struggling to understand the conundrum of being Gay and LDS at the same time. I want to thank you for being so brave to be dealing with this while still in the church environment, and with your family.
Remember my friend:
This is your life to live and there is not a person on this earth that can or should force you to live your life in a way that is not natural to you. I will be checking in on you from time to time to see if you are doing alright. I can't do it in person, but I am sending you a BIG cyber hug to let you know that you are never alone in your struggle.
- John Birmingham
Ex-Elder, Spain Madrid mission
Email: DPORTER4@COX.NET
24 January, 2006 15:23
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