Subject: .....

I didn't feel like typing all of this twice, so here's an email I sent to a friend of mine who'se serving his mission abroad. No, not a plea for help...just how my weekend was.......
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(name removed)...I dont know who else to turn to...I haven't acted out or anything. I'm still going to church...I'm still working a job and living with my parents. I'm supposed to be going to Rexburg first thing in January, but right now I'm just not stable. Sorry for having not written you in ages, but now is better than later.

Let me tell you about my weekend...I'm gonna try my hardest to do this all without swearing (a bad habit I've picked back up on)...
Saturday - Heck...I don't even remember saturday...all I know is that I ended up messing up...as in masturbation. Gyah...It's been my bane since I've been home. Didn't happen in the MTC, or for about 7 months before, but about a month after I got home...I slipped back into it.

Sunday - I wasn't having the best night Sat. night, so monday morning wasn't the best. I woke up later than I wanted to, was a little bit late to church...didn't get to shower beforehand. It was fast/testimony meeting. I've got a friend who'se dealt with some pretty intense emotional struggles as well...only her relationship in regards to me seemed to be more than a little bit co-dependant...as in she was clingy as heck, and that freaked me out, because I can't handle people being clingy on me...yet....I'm as clingy as I am...eh, i'm a hypocrite. Anyway, I had to finally tell her "I can't help you any more...I've helped you with your emotional problems as much as I can, I need to help ME some." I couldn't handle stresses from her any longer, so I cut off communication. This girl shouldn't have even been in the singles ward that sunday...she's only just turned 18, is still a Senior in high school. Anyway, over the pulpit she was spouting off all this stuff about "if you have someone who you care about, but who may be going off to college soon, or leaving the city, or whatever (blatanly pointed at me, as I'm leaving for Rexburg in Jan), you need to let them know how much you care for them, how much you need them and their influence..." etc etc etc....in essence, a big fat guilt trip over the pulpit. Usually I try my hardest to NOT get offended at church...I reallize that it's PEOPLE that make mistakes in the CHURCH, the GOSPEL is perfect. But I simply couldn't handle this. As I've done in a couple weeks past, I left church right after sacrament meeting. I know I sound horrible saying this, but church has been a waste of time...what the heck is happening to me, clark? I used to be so enthused? I'm spiritually flattened...my testimony is so thin...I feel like I'm going inactive....and I try to keep myself afloat, but I'm sinking...

Anyway...I leave early...after sacrament.... I come home...I listen to music on the computer..contemplate myself....feel horrible....crying....i go to my room to play some guitar, hopefully cheer up some...I fall asleep after a little bit more crying....I wake up and go to a meeting at work (I had to work on sunday....not too keen on that, but it was mandatory, so I didn't have much of a choice). The meeting was fine...kind of pointless, but oh well. After the meeting, I offered to give one co-worker a ride home because I was headed over to the next town over (where he lives) anyway to see a friend (he and I hang out alot, actually...he had to come home from his mish early on medical too...nice to be able to relate). Another co-worker asks for a ride. I'm happy to give them both rides. I give co-worker 2 a ride to his house ('cause it's here in town)(I know i'm rambling, but bear with me), and on the ride back, I call (name also removed..."roomate" will suffice).

Roomate was going to be coming over here to Oregon to drive back to Rexburg with me...it's a 13 hr drive from oregon, and getting to see him again so soon was something that i really had my heart set on...he had to call his family to see if they wanted him home for christmas, but was pretty sure that he'd be coming to Oregon anyways...I find out roomate's not coming.....and thus i'm super bummed. This was one of the few things I'd been looking forward to since I had to come home...roomate and I, road trippin' it back to Idaho. Lots of fun times with one of the few people that I trust with every fiber of my being.....and that's a no-go now.

So i call friend from next town over and his dad says that he's asleep...which was good, because he hadn't been able to fall asleep the night before because of medical reasons. I'm happy for said friend at the same time that I'm bummed that all my plans for the evening have just been dashed...oh well tho...better for him to be good than me to have plans.... By this point, my night is ruined...I figure I'll just go home, and go to sleep...the rest of the night isn't worth facing, really.

So i take co-worker 1 home...all the while I'm driving to his house....the thought of going home and killing myself is ever-present. I know what you're thinking, friend..."whoa, back up...KILL yourself?!" But that's what I've got....the thought's there right now...and if not kill myself, harm myself somehow....probably end up cutting myself or something....which I haven't ever done...and don't know if I'd ever have the balls to try, because i'm as gutless as I am. Even with the medication that I'm on...I still have the want to be free from this mortal coil. Yes, it's deception, or so my intellect tells me...but what do my feelings say? It'd be an escape...I'd be getting free from these pains...free from being a burden to everyone around me....and maybe God will understand...I can't fight this any longer....and asking for help hasn't done me any good....thats why I've stopped...my prayers are infrequent, as is my scripture study....I just want to be done....I want to have a rest.

Well, needless to say, I didn't kill myself....and I didn't try either. My car broke down outside employee 1's house after dropping him off....so dad had to come get me. Dad and I dont' get along very well. If we're forced into tight quarters (IE, his truck) for an extended period of time, there's uncomfortable discussion, there's him not understanding me in the least, and there's me crying.....all happened last night, as we were cramped in his truck for 3 hours waiting for the bloody tow truck.

I'm not even 20 years old yet, and I'm facing a quarter-life crisis....how is this fair in God's eyes? What've I done to get this? Obviously I didn't choose to have this affliction in the life before this one...or if I did, i wish I would have seen full well what I'd be going through, because I must not have seen it....I'm enduring emotional hell...and I just want a jet engine to fall from a plane, crash into my room and end my existence right about now............bleak, i know, but frank and honest as I know i can be with you, that's how I feel.


so here I am tonight. Desparate...alone....all the rest of the house is asleep, and it's 3am. I've tried calling one person, but she's asleep...there's nobody else to talk to who'd understand.
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Ya...i'm going to go try to sleep now.