Frugality VS. Quality

Sorry, I can't give you attention. I know you're in pain, and I know you're trying to focus on other people. I know how helping other people can help give a sense of security and safety...stability, but you can't be stable without a foundation. And that foundation requires that you accept help that is available for your problems. Take anti-depressants, get institutionalized, whatever it takes to get you to stop carving your arms up. Whatever it takes to get you to stop fantasizing about poisoning yourself, or wishing you were in the middle of a plane crash.

We deal with our problems for a reason...many of us, myself included, are trying to figure out why...'why me?' I ask it everyday...but I'm trying hard to accept that God just knows better than we do...you don't deserve to die. You die when God says you can die. You're not trash, because God don't make no trash. I'm writing this for you as much as I am for me. Heaven knows that I'll need to look back on this journal entry, and remember how I'm feeling right now. So put away your plastic mask...acknowledge that you have problems, and let other people in to help you...don't push the 'adults' out of your life, because look at who YOU are...you're a big girl now...YOU are almost an adult.

I can't give you any more attention, because I need to work on fixing me, and I encourage you to do likewise. You know I hate your 3-letter name...because I know the lie that it is. Stop starving yourself in fasting for me, and stop spending every ounce of prayer in your frame on me. If I need your help, you know I'll ask for it...but it's like you're cramming help down my throat...not that it's not appreciated, but you can't force things on people.
(You know who you are, and you know how you need to take this message)
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That aside, I feel like disappearing, almost, again. I reflected on the fact that I've never let my fingerprints get taken...when I was a little kid...I always refused to get them taken...what if I ended up being a criminal? What if I were a spy? What if I ever needed the ability to just disappear later in life? These thought actually ran through my pre-pubescent mind...pretty wild.

I completely miss the security of my friends at Idaho. I know most of my guy friends will be gone, but right now I need Jared on my right, and Liz on my left...I compare being here at home to riding my bike on top of a brick wall, as opposed to (Idaho) being a monorail running on its track...secure, and smooth...set in place, not really being able to get astray in any way.

I'm not severely depressed right now, but I think I just need the sleep. I've been working like mad, and just got a paycheck today (it was much smaller than I expected...MUCH smaller). Next one had better be alot bigger, or I'm going to contemplate my future employment...maybe I'll just go straight for Rexburg. My heels hurt. I wish we had more chocolate in the house. The bath-tub is all clogged up...we need drain-o. We're also out of mayo. Mom needs to go grocery shopping, and I want wheat-thins.
It's gonna suck not having Mom to buy me groceries when I'm at school...but the independance will be SO worth it...to buy real butter, not margerine...to buy the best quality everything, and be a health nut, because I know that I deserve it...letting student loans and paychecks go towards quality and not frugality.


Alright, time to sleep.