Taking it back
So, I know I sound so indecisive in saying this, but, I might have to resend my decision to take after the boy. To be blunt, we flirted for about 3 hours last night, which was amazing...but today's events just...make me need to rethink my decisions.
My bishop pulled me into his office today, out of the blue...out of nowhere, and essentially said 'how are you doing?' I was baffled...because were I to be pulled back in the opposite direction of where I as going, THEN was the time that It NEEDED to happen...and God moves in mysterious ways...
It comes down to this: I believe in God, I have faith in Jesus Christ, and I hope that this church is true...I don't know anything for certain, but I have hopes that what I feel I'm being lead to, at present, is what's right.
I want to be able to have a family...a wife and kids, however ludacris that might sound coming form someone in my position especially. I want to attain the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom in the life hereafter...I want to feel happy...I need to be proud of myself. I need to....live.
Now, where I to hustle after this guy that I've fancied, how would I end up with a wife? With kids? It doesn't add up...I hope for an ideallistic 'mormon' life, but being gay doesn't let that fit...call it brainwashing, call it influence from a young age, whatever...but the thing my body wants is conflicting with my spirit, and the two can't co-exist...one has to have dominion over the other...up until now, it was the flesh, today, the spirit has the reigns and is trying to guide me in the right direction.
This feels good right now...feeling spiritual...I can't explain it....feels better than I felt when I was flirting, though I won't deny that that was spectacular...but I'm not going into detail on that, because I'll lose focus, and run off my tracks again.
Time to construct a list of daily things to do...I'll hang this up in my room.
List of Daily Do's:
Pray, first thing
Read Scriptures - 30minutes
Write in journal daily (blog doesn't count)
Don't fight the alarm clock
Early to bed/Early to rise
Surround myself with good, wholesome people
Pray for Charity
Read other uplifting material: Literature on SSA that I've collected, endorsed by the church, etc.
Write my missionaries
Get another job
Abstain from swearing
"Get Blessings" through not slipping up
By the way, I quit my job...my boss was a witch with a capital B...sick of being mistreated, so I quit after she made me have an emotional meltdown on friday...weds/thurs had been horrible, and fri was just bad BAD.
I need to go take a sunday nap.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 5:49 PM
4 Comments:
I'm so happy! You know I love you no matter what, but I really think that this will be better for you in the long run. My Dad has this talk on CD called "The Fourth Watch God" by Michael Wilcox, I think it would benefit you greatly. It's not case specific, so you can just ask my dad for a copy of it. (He has it downloaded on his computer) next time you see him. He would be happy to let you have a copy. Anyway, changed the way I thought about trials completely. Such good stuff. You can add that to the list of wholesome activities for yourself. Things will more likely than not get messy again, but please try to remember the feelings you have now. Just be honest with yourself. I'm praying for you. All my love.
LH
12 September, 2005 16:51
Im happy for you, it seems that things are a little less complicated to figure out. Complicated nonetheless, but at a different level. Everything happens for a reason, but it always happens for the best.
12 September, 2005 19:04
blarg, I forgot to check this for a couple of days, but now I am caught up. Anyhoo, I think that's a great list of goals to have, but isn't that what you've been trying to do, and isn't that what hasn't been making you happy? I sound really cynical, I'm sure, but I think its better to tell you how I REALLY feel than to be like, "tra la la, happy time with my gay friend! And he's soooo happy! :D ;D I support you sooooo much! etc." Because, while I do support you in whatever you choose to do, you seem to be really wishy-washy with this, and once you decide to do something, you second guess yourself until you decide not to do anything. SOMETHING is better than nothing... and how do you know what'll work if you keep going in the same pattern? yeah.
Man, I sound like such a wench. But hey, I'm okay with it.
13 September, 2005 14:58
You haven't posted for a while, so I hope you're alright. I am a guy in a similar situation. I'm 23, RM, Mormon, and gay. While reading your blog I thought of a few bits of advice that may help.
1. Don't think that following the commandments will make your situation easier.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should go out and gay up the place, what I am saying is that if you think that by following the rules will make you less gay, they won't. In fact, it may make it even worse. What keeping the commandments can do is give you hope and trust me, hope is the best thing you can have. I was worried about wasting my life by being alone, but if keeping the commandments will let me live forever with someone, that is what I'll work for.
2. Don't get caught up in being perfect.
You aren't going to be. In fact, no one is going to be. Being perfect is an excercise in futility. I know the whole Mormon doctrine of "be ye therefore perfect..." and I'm not challenging that. What I am saying is that you've got some important issues to work on. Work on them and then you can take care of the other stuff. (ie. screw geneology)
sorry about the long comment.
3. The end of the world is only after Armaggeddon.
You may screw up...big time. But if you do, all is not lost. When you die, where you are headed is more important than where you are going.
realize I'm saying these things to myself and to you
4. Use your friends
Don't isolate yourself from them. You're going to need them and true friends are going to be there. True, they may have no idea what you are going through, but do you really want them to know what it's like? When you think about it probably not. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
5. Finishing up.
Don't worry about what people think. What's most important is what you think. You have a testimony. Even if you can't feel the Spirit now, you did once. Remember that. Depression can really mess with our feeling the Spirit, even if we are worthy of it. Don't worry about tomorrow. It'll come just fine whether you worry about it or not. There are others who feel exactly like you do. You are not alone.
-c
23 September, 2005 18:04
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