I might not make it that long
I know this sounds randomly bleak, and miserable of me...but tonight, I just feel an overwhelming sense of forboding.
I feel like I might not make it back to Rexburg...
I might not last that long...
There's really no reason for my being so melancholy...but I'll use the excuse of my severe depression as a scapegoat. I've been taking my meds...I've been working all day long, hoping to tucker myself out, so as not to have the energy to do stupid things...I've tried (kind of) praying and reading my scriptures. I'm just so tired...so exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I might not last that long...
Am I to become a statistic of Gay Mormons who end up committing suicide because of lack of ability to cope with their problems? Maybe I have the tools to "deal" with my problems...maybe having my life in my own hands is 'tool' enough.
I'm going to get out of the house and away from any potentially hazardous objects now. Were I to end it, I'd do something quick and painless...I'm a big wimp, and couldn't handle cutting my wrists, or hanging myself or something. It'd have to be like...instant incineration, or an explosion, or getting turned to stone or something...
Everyone else seems to have a grasp on their problems, but here I am, fantasizing about some guy that I saw in my dream last night...he was perfect, and I was extremely turned on by him...I don't understand what I'm supposed to do right now...I can't do anything but "check out" guys as they pass...the missionaries, people at the store, members of my own family ward that I see at the gas station...women aren't in the least bit appealing to me right now, other than when being viewed as a sexual object, something I've striven for years to dilude and get rid of in my psychie...what I long for is a fulfilling relationship with a male, my height, strong build, who's sensitive and caring...someone who I feel can protect me...I feel so vulnerable. I want someone (right now ANYONE, male or female) to hold me in my arms, and let me cry...to have them tell me, with strong arms clasped around me, that things will all be okay...that I have what it takes...that I'm good enough for THEM, and that that's all that matters in the world...someone to wipe away my tears.
I've had mom to do that for me in the past, but never, really, have I had that connection with another person...I want someone strong, who can be strong for me too.
I might not last that long...
How much longer can I keep this a secret from the world?
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 9:25 PM
4 Comments:
Banana, I can't say that I haven't always strongly suspected you of one day riding the rainbow train to Misterland, and I don't care. You're still my friend, and I still love you, and you can't change that by telling the truth. If you could, what kind of friend would I be? The kind you should kick in the pants, thats the kind.
02 September, 2005 21:55
Man~ Maybe i felt comfortable talking about being gay with you because i recognized something in you. I guess I had known already and I didn't care then and I still don't. You are you and being gay is part of that. it's not who you are, it's what you are. If you can accept me, you should accept yourself. call me if you need to talk and i'll be here for you.
03 September, 2005 00:21
The following is a very strong and moving letter written by the mother of a gay boy in Vermont...
"Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people. I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.
My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.
He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.
In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.
You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.
At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.
If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?
A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."
You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.
He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.
You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities
that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.
How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage. You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.
The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"
< < Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that? > >
04 September, 2005 00:52
When I was depressed you told me never to give up. It was hard with the state of mind I was in. But I guess the only thing I can say, Is the same thing you always told me. Please dont let this kind of thought run through your head. "I might not last that long" is something I've heard over and over again from a lot of people. And I dont want to hear it from you.
06 September, 2005 11:54
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