The Connundrum of Conscience

Things in life are just.....they're interesting.

Today, work was long, and I was on my feet for 9 hours straight, but that means that I made about $60, so I'm not complaining. Changes in peoples lives are happening...best friends are breaking up with girlfriends, other people are making extremely intense life-decisions, and I don't know what I want in life.

I'm extceedingly tired right now, so pardon me if I babble and/or ramble.

I've come to the point, in my therapy with my psychologyst, that we've been discussing me being a "people-pleaser," and my need to meet up to peoples expectations constantly. "You need to focus on making YOU happy," he said...and however hedonistic it may sound, it's the truth. I need to not let other peoples idea of me govern my actions...that's kind of why I out and used some of the terminology, speaking about porn and masturbation in a previous post, and commenting on how "it just needs to be said."

I'll cut the crap...I'm sick of being in constant fear of what the future will bring. As with most people with SSA, and most perfectionists, I'm a hugetime micromanager...I had everything planned out (graduation, college, mission, marriage, etc)...and I never left any room for my SSA in there anyway...I just wished it away, I suppose. I figured I'd go on my mission, graduate from college, and then get married, but the dicision of what the hell I'm going to do, and the reprocussions of that have fallen into my lap.

Here are my options that I feel like I'm facing:
1) "Come out," live the lifestyle, get excommunicated, maybe get physically and emotionally 'satisfied,' but really, if I'll be satisfied, who knows...I've never been in a gay relationship....or a straight one for that matter
2) Become the typical "Peter Priesthood" kind of guy that everyone saw me as before the mission...only I'd be constantly living up to other peoples expectations. As of right now, I feel like the reason I'm sticking with the whole "Mormon" thing, is because I know, from my "encyclopedic" knowledge of the gospel, not current faith, that I should, not that I feel it...I don't really feel much of anything right now. I know that I'll come to probibly regret it later in life...but seeing as how I've delved about as far into having a homosexual relationship as I have with having a hetero- one...I really don't have much of any grounds to try to function on experience with either.

I'm supposed to hang out with one of the guys from my SSA support group tonight. He's a really cool guy...but has a bit of a rocky past...I'll just suffice to say, for the present, that he's ben excommunicated due to things that've happened within the past few years with SSA. I'm kind of concerned about this whole thing, actually...it's probibly my hypochondria poking through, but my conscious is saying "what if one of you tries to pull something?" I know for a fact that I wouldn't be ballsy enough to do anything, and he's married with kids...the chances are miniscule...but it still doesn't detract from the inkling that something could happen. He's quite a nice, attractive, easy to relate to guy...maybe that's part of the root of my concerns.