Small but Important Piece of Trust.
So, I'm sitting here at Handsome's place. We just watched Battlestar Gallactica, and had a big, filling dinner which I cooked and he's washing the dishes. I end up cooking a lot...but right now I feel slightly defeated.
I understand the plight that is the insecurity of a housewife.
Let me back-track. In order to watch BSG tonight, Handsome popped on to his bit-torrent downloading program (this one just so happened to be Azureus, I use Bit-Torrent's proprietary software myself), and looked through his list of files downloaded. Now, honestly, I'm not in the least bit surprised at the contents. ATB's discography. Madonna, Deathcab for Cutie, various audiobooks, and scads of porn videos. Don't get me wrong, I love porn as much as the next guy, but seeing just how much porn Handsome has is a bit daunting. I've known it's there the entire time we've dated. I've known that there have been loads of guys he's slept with up until he met and started dating me 4 months ago. But at the base of it all it still makes me feel a bit inadequate.
Like I said, don't get me wrong, I love me some porn, and watch it every now and then...I've got a little sizeable collection myself...but seeing "BB Twink Gangbang Fuck" and "Britishlads hardcore" followed by "My twin gets fucked.avi" just makes me a little insecure.
I'm a fucking snoop, that's what this all comes down to. I'd be best off not looking around where it's really none of my business. I'm inquisitive and curious by nature...I just tend to question everything. It's in my nature to do so. But there are times when it pays to just NOT snoop.
Deconstructing this whole thing another 5 steps, I realize this is down to trust issues. I distrusted so many people for so long. Do I trust Handsome? Absolutely. Am I scared that he wants to bang some boy more than me? Yes? But do I trust that, in his actual capacity to truly care about me he won't. I'm leaving myself open to extreme vulnerability here, folks. I trust Handsome with, more or less, everything I've got. That might be too much for only having dated for 4 months, but it's where I stand. If I trust this man with my all, why am I feeling insecure about his porn collection? I haven't got a clue.
Really I wrote this entry to help myself come to this conclusion...kind of what I've got this thing around for. I've been through this cycle before...and I can see how, in the past, I've let it derail relationships.
I trust him...and he's got the small piece of my happiness that I rarely let anybody else hang on to in his possession. I'm gonna stop fretting about this for the present.
*NOTE: porn video titles listed here were exaggerated in title....even-though not by too much.