I hate that this ends up being my place to go when I hit a low...but I guess that that's my parogative, right? It's my blog, therefore I can do with it what I want, right? I'll just try and mention some nice things that have happened along with all the crappy...there are at least some, right? I guess my concern comes out of my constant need for other people's approval...I don't want people who I know and love (and others who I don't know) to read this, find things that I've done, and then think less of me - but if they were to think less of me in the first place, they would understand that I screw up sometimes. I fall through alot. I'm not the most dependable, or most 'straight arrow' kid...if you read this, and you're okay with me after these events have transpired, then we can still be friends...if you think that I'm a bad person for them, or for being gay, for that matter, then maybe ourfriendship needs some work...that is, if we're friends already.
It's 11:26am, and I'm at work. Things are already starting to be not so fun. I got sent home to shave because apparantly I was too scruffy...oh well. Whatever. This school has rule for employees, and I understand that. I guess I didn't think I was that scraggly, but oh well. I got to work late, on account of my sleep has been terrible lately. I wake up with 5 minutes to spare (it takes about 12 minutes to walk to work), so I dont' think there's been more than a handfull of times that I've not
been late for work. The alarm is my enemy...the snooze button my co-conspiritor (have you ever reallized just how awkward the word "snooze" looks when you're 3/4 asleep? it's almost disturbing).
I tried calling in to work to tell my boss that I would be a little bit late, but the line was busy, so it was only once i was already 7 minutes late, that I finally got ahold of her to let her know that I would be unpunctual...at least I called this time.
Got to work...felt like crap. My cd player was skipping the whole way there (the CD i threw in was old, survived my car crash, and so better couldn't really be expected). Get sent home to shave, decided, once I got there, all covered in body grossness, that I would just take a shower, and say "what the heck...why not." I guess that was nice...being able to stay on the clock while showering. I checked the answering machine as I was about to run out the door to get the phone number of a man who found my wallet (which is actually excellent news), and wrote that on a slip of paper as I rushed out the door, still sweating from the heat of the shower, and my run up to my apartment (note to self: buy a car). I ran back to work...it's slow. I'm on a computer, listenin to Lisa Loeb and Gin Blossoms on Pandora.com
I've been trying to date some lately...and that's been pretty much disasterous. Earlier this semester, I tried striking up a relationship with a kid who I really didn't find that attractive (wow, my vanity showeth), but was really nice. I barely knew him, and as such, we pretty much just watched movies and made out, or made out while watching infomercials late at night. Nutshell story - disasterous. We're still friends, and I actually saw him last night, but now things are a little awkward. He'll be leaving at the end of the semester. We tried jumping into something that neither of us entirely knew what we were doing, and I guess we're reaping the social consequences.
Next dating experience. A guy who lives in the next-over town...goes to school here, but is living at home in his off-semester (can I just say how much I hate the 'track' system here at BYU-Idaho? One more reason to jump out when I can, I guess)...he's got enchanting blue-green eyes, a really great smile, and a pretty nice build. He, also, is extremely nice...nicer than the last guy, even. He's got a little bit of speech impediment, and we have next to NOTHING in common, aside from the fact that he loves Super Smash Brothers on the GameCube as much as I do...his major isn't anything even related to mine, but oh well...with him, I, once again, seemed to just jump into a physical relationship...parially because he was willing, partially because I get easily excitable, and partially, my postulation is, because I'm destined to ruin every dating scenario I could possibly be thrown in to.
He's stayed the night a few times (no, there has been no sex involve, thank goodness, as sex is something that pretty much terrifies me as much as it entices me...though we have done most things just shy of the 3-letter word), and each time, I've missed class, or called in sick to work, because I didn't want to get out of bed the next day...maybe a little bit because of feeling guilty, a little bit because I'm a somatoholic (addicted to sleep?)Fast Forward to 2:29am
I finished work...went to class...it actually made me feel a little better...now after watching 2 movies, and then getting shot down by a practical stranger, I'm in shitsville again. Damn me for being human. Damn me for wanting what I want, and for wanting to be loved the way that I need. "God will wipe away our tears," I was told tonight...well, where's the hand been this past year?
Things with the last guy I dated fizzled, to be blunt, and to the point. I felt like he was becoming a "friend with benefits," because we barely knew eachother, and got way physical way fast...so I made the decision to nip it in the butt...I just am scared that I'm going to leap into another relationship because I don't want to be lonely....fuck.
Yeah...the night's not ending well...I've got my depressing mix on, and I'm going to go to sleep. I'll try updating more soon (and this time I actually mean soon).