No real post tonight....okay, that's a lie...
First off http://postsecret.blogspot.com Check it out. Pretty much this is one of the most inspiring ideas I've ever come across...infact I didn't even come across it, someone else pointed it out to me.
Today has been the 3rd day in a long string of crappy days. Today piqued in a full on anxiety attack. I had just spent money on groceries...I don't like having to eat because it means spending money...isn't that horrible? Anyway, I dropped a girlfriend off to shoe shop while I ran over to the movie theater I've been trying desparately to get a job at. As I walked in, I made eye contact with the manager that I needed to talk to. He promptly moved to the back...employee area or whatever. I talked to the girl at the counter "I need to talk to your manager in charge of hiring, please," I stated cordially. I thought "finally, I've got him cornered!" Much to my frustration, she returned and said "Yeah, he's busy getting some films started, he'll call you back later."
I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH THE BASTARD. The lines were horrendous! The place is obviously UNDERSTAFFED. I'm far more qualified than the pippy-twats working there...barely high school grads with no real motivation...living off mommy and daddy's cash. I need a job, damnit. I turned on my heel, mouth full of guile, and sat in my car.
At the shoe store, I found a pair that I obviously couldn't buy, as they cost $20, and I shouldn't be spending any money...I let them sit, but vowed to return and purchase them upon gathering some funds, be it through honest employment, or whoring myself out...damn.
Return home...anxiety builds. Crapface person who barges into my apartment and I can't stand is there, bugging people as usual...I told him I refused to talk to him, there was an anxiety attack on the brink of spilling over. I went to my room and bawled.
This is the third day in a row that I've been thrown into hysterics because of frustration, loneliness, or dispair. No, coming out of the closet and "accepting that I'm gay," and living the lifestyle isn't going to make it go away...sorry to be a blunt bastard, but I don't want to hear that tonight. I don't want to hear people chide "you need to accept how you are, and just go fuck some stud in the ass." Not happening, my lovelies. I'd be more emotionally unstable were I to fornicate in such a manner, nigh unto suicide...I WOULD kill myself.
I won't ask for a pardon of the swearing...I don't feel I need a pardon. These are my words...interperet them how you will.