Thursday, December 29, 2005

I've been Tryin' to Nod my Head, but it's like I've Got a Broken Neck

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Some of you may know about this movie, others may not...but regardless here's what's been on my mind lately. Brokeback Mountain. The "Gay Cowboy" movie...and I really want to see it. Not entirely because there's a gay sex scene in it...not entirely because both the lead actors are both people I consider extremely attractive, but because the director is amazing, the actors are amazing, the story looks so tragically romantically depressing, and I feel like I can relate...and for those reasons, I feel like, I just feel like gravity has taken a hate to me as of late as a general...I feel so heavy.

I feel like my friends have made themselves scarce...I understand, what with people getting sick due to the season, and people having their own issues to deal with, people are going to be a bit distant...a little bit out of reach....but....all of my friends are like that. Be it a grumpy-when-around-you disposition (which could completely just be due to "I feel like my brain is full of snot" sickness), or the lack of contact that others have had with me over the past recent while, I feel like I've depreciated in value as a friend. Kind of like the item you sold to the pawn shop, but end up seeing everytime you come in to buy other items...steadily decreasing in value, yet never picked up and purchased...and that was quite possibly the worst metaphore ever.

I finally get to go see my therapist again tomorrow...God bless that man. He gets me talking, and he gets me reallizing things that need to be reallized...even if, as he's said, I might end up forgetting something 15 minutes after a session, it gets me thinking, and that's what matters.

I want to be loved by someone...I really don't know who, but I want someone to need me. I've never been needed and needed that person in return.

I feel like an ungreatful slob sometimes...

I am finally getting back to Rexburg this next wednesday. Halleluja...hopefully I'll make more friends...hopefully I'll get a job. Hopefully I'll be motivated enough to read my scriptures daily, stop masturbating to gay porn, and get my life in check.

Speaking of such, I haven't had any 'encounters' for the past while...none this week, so far. None since Christmas. Yay me........(riiight....yay me.....hah.)

I've been wanting so badly to act out today and part of yesterday that I'm surprised I haven't done anything in that direction. It's fully come to my attention that when I'm either more depressed than usual, or emotionally hurt/angry at someone (most often my dad) is when I end up acting out, and good. I don't know if it's me telling myself that "it'll feel good, so you'll feel better." I don't know if it's me using the endorphines released from masturbation...I really don't know. All I know is that I feel guilty after it...It used to be wanting to fling myself from the window after messing up...and it's not to say that I don't feel bad after messing up with porn or masturbation, but now it's more GUILT....not shame.

GUILT - "Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong."
SHAME - "1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
2. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?
3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy; a great disappointment. "


I'm gonna go try to feel some acceptance and hope the friends I hang out with will give it to me.

Until next time....which will hopefully be sooner than later.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

What to do when your father's a prick...

How Ironic that the two pictures I was torn between using were these:
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So...Today, work was exhausting...and now that my throat is starting to hurt (sore throat), I'm beginning to reallize why...I'm getting sick, and that just adds a bucketload of stress I don't need....I'm gonna try to not let it get me down, and not let it make me more worn down. But yes...exhausted by the end of the could also be attributed to the lack of time spent off my feet, and rushing around like mad, and dealing with quazi-disgrunteled customers...I just say I'll not worry about it...but the face of the little kid I had to tell "no, you can't get a refund" burns a hole in me...makes me feel like a punk.

So my boss hates me now, I think...I've been speculating, since I met him, that he's gay, but just doesn't want to tell anyone (I don't blame him...admitting it, especially when you're an ex-mormon, isn't an easy thing, I'm sure!)...anyway. The other day I was an inch away from asking him..."I want to ask a question, but I'm not sure if it'd get me in trouble or the whole "not supposed to ask others about their religion at work" thing...I think he caught on, so he said "then it's probably better left unasked. He just WREAKS "SSA." Anyway, really it's none of my business, so I'll not worry about it.

The other night, apparantly, I forgot to fill something out in the 'nightly closeout' book...twice in a row, I now he wants to wright me up for it...and me being the paranoid doofus I am, I think it's because he's reallized that I think he's gay....gosh, I need to update, so I can rething my mental processes more DOES seem kind of illogical...and I'm the only person who'd have come up with that train of thought...Anyway...yeah. Work minidrama continues...and I'll be free of it in 2 least from THIS retail store.

Upon coming home I took my little brother out, and we got stuff to work on a T-Shirt he wanted made for christmas. I actually feel kind of didn't turn out ANYTHING like he wanted it to...but I'm making him stick with it. I had just sit down to start cutting out the pattern, turned on some movie on the TV, and dad walks in and changes the channel and puts in a DVD. I was OBVIOUSLY watching something! So, exaspiratedly, I get up from the couch, and walk into the den to finish the he shouts over the TV and gripes at me. "I don't want you cutting/gluing that on the carpet! You'll screw up and get rubber cement on the carpet...No, I'm not doubting your artistic skills, but what if?
Thanks dad...REAL sound SO truthful!
So, I grab what I was working on, and vault myself up the stairs..."are you angry or something?" I wanted to throw the exacto knife I as using at him...."You shouldn't have to ask that question," I blurted, and continued up the stairs...

I expressed my feelings to mom, since I certainly can't do it to dad, and haven't talked to him since. I'm waiting for him to apologize...let's see how long it takes before I go before breaking down and trying to get him to talk to ME. It's completely pathetic, I MUST say..."I honestly don't see how you're married to him, Mom," I told her...she's the sweetest person I know, and he's completely wretched..."When you're married, you tend to learn how to look at the positives, rather than the negatives," she said....I suppose that's a virtue I'll have to wait for marriage to learn.

I haven't, since last post, been doing the best with pornography and masturbation....BUT, the past 2 days I've been SO much better. I kept on finding myself in pitfalls...I'd run into something that would trigger me, and binge....But a friend of mine, also an SSA guy, and I are daring eachother not to do that stupid junk, day by day. So far, we've both been doing pretty good. Just challenged eachother to go tomorrow without either as well. This could be the start of a good good pattern.

I was looking around on the BYUI website, trying to figure out how to add night classes today, and while on the website, looking at religion courses, etc, things just felt right. I've had knots in my stomach while contemplating going back to school, but I really don't think I need to worry...things are going to fall back into place...I'm going to be going to where I need to be...I think Heavenly Father wants me there right now...I'm gonna try to put myself in his hands again.....I'm gonna try to trust...I'm gonna try to start reading my scriptures and praying again....and I think I'm gonna try to start now.

And now that it's 1am, and I have to be up in 6 hours, I'm going to leave the glow of my computer screen, which I've been staring at for hours tonight, playing games (hehe!), and read my scriptures, pray, and sleep....and much tea, and much vitamin C...and try to not stay up this late tomorrow night!

I'm leaving this entry feeling hopeful at the thought of Idaho...trying to ignore the marr on my day laid by my father.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Loss of Guilt? No...forgiveness....?

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So, in my current position, I should be dragging my knuckles due to utter disappointment in myself...last night I burned out, and gave into temptation horribly...ended up staying up 'till about 4:30 am, just staring at filth...and it was a horrible thing. I wish that I could say that my stomach turns at the thought of the things I saw, but I'm trying not to reflect on them...needless to say I "screwed up."

But this morning, I'm not sure if it's me feeling like last night was a dream, or if it's some kind of change in me, but I'm not wanting to kill myself. I recognise what I did was wrong...I want to avoid it in the future...but I'm not left with a want for my destruction. Perhaps I've been granted some kind of light into how Christ feels...he's forgiven me, and so I've got to just let things that are done go, and try to move on...try to forgive myself, and move on with life.

A part of me feels completely guilty, not for looking at porn and masturbating (though I do feel guilty for that), but for the LACK of extreme guilt that I would have experienced, were this situation to have faced me a month ago. People have been telling me that I've been taking it out too hard on myself...I kind of agree with them, but for the mostpart I felt like I NEEDED to take it out hard on myself. But today, I just feel like I need to try to take things one day at a time, and not kill myself for things that I can't change because they were in the past. That's an extremely foreign feeling for me, but today, I'm going to accept it. I've been given this as a gift, or something. I'm hoping that it's just something that's come from light, and not lies.

I'm trying to analyze the situation carefully...I can see how it would be a divine thing, but also can see the possible taint of shadow within it. Were I to take this feeling to excess, then I'd spiral down into a debaucherous pit, the likes of which I doubt I'd be able to pull myself from. Am I to take it facing the light, which I plan to do, then it might be the window for me to enter back into my own good graces. I'm going to take it as the second, and try to put on the blinders of hopeless optimism...especially after having cynicism garner my peripheral vision for so long.

I'm going to give it a shot.

I'll write again, probably tomorrow, and report on my progress.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Subject: .....

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I didn't feel like typing all of this twice, so here's an email I sent to a friend of mine who'se serving his mission abroad. No, not a plea for help...just how my weekend was.......
(name removed)...I dont know who else to turn to...I haven't acted out or anything. I'm still going to church...I'm still working a job and living with my parents. I'm supposed to be going to Rexburg first thing in January, but right now I'm just not stable. Sorry for having not written you in ages, but now is better than later.

Let me tell you about my weekend...I'm gonna try my hardest to do this all without swearing (a bad habit I've picked back up on)...
Saturday - Heck...I don't even remember saturday...all I know is that I ended up messing in masturbation. Gyah...It's been my bane since I've been home. Didn't happen in the MTC, or for about 7 months before, but about a month after I got home...I slipped back into it.

Sunday - I wasn't having the best night Sat. night, so monday morning wasn't the best. I woke up later than I wanted to, was a little bit late to church...didn't get to shower beforehand. It was fast/testimony meeting. I've got a friend who'se dealt with some pretty intense emotional struggles as well...only her relationship in regards to me seemed to be more than a little bit in she was clingy as heck, and that freaked me out, because I can't handle people being clingy on me...yet....I'm as clingy as I, i'm a hypocrite. Anyway, I had to finally tell her "I can't help you any more...I've helped you with your emotional problems as much as I can, I need to help ME some." I couldn't handle stresses from her any longer, so I cut off communication. This girl shouldn't have even been in the singles ward that sunday...she's only just turned 18, is still a Senior in high school. Anyway, over the pulpit she was spouting off all this stuff about "if you have someone who you care about, but who may be going off to college soon, or leaving the city, or whatever (blatanly pointed at me, as I'm leaving for Rexburg in Jan), you need to let them know how much you care for them, how much you need them and their influence..." etc etc essence, a big fat guilt trip over the pulpit. Usually I try my hardest to NOT get offended at church...I reallize that it's PEOPLE that make mistakes in the CHURCH, the GOSPEL is perfect. But I simply couldn't handle this. As I've done in a couple weeks past, I left church right after sacrament meeting. I know I sound horrible saying this, but church has been a waste of time...what the heck is happening to me, clark? I used to be so enthused? I'm spiritually testimony is so thin...I feel like I'm going inactive....and I try to keep myself afloat, but I'm sinking...

Anyway...I leave early...after sacrament.... I come home...I listen to music on the computer..contemplate myself....feel horrible....crying....i go to my room to play some guitar, hopefully cheer up some...I fall asleep after a little bit more crying....I wake up and go to a meeting at work (I had to work on sunday....not too keen on that, but it was mandatory, so I didn't have much of a choice). The meeting was fine...kind of pointless, but oh well. After the meeting, I offered to give one co-worker a ride home because I was headed over to the next town over (where he lives) anyway to see a friend (he and I hang out alot, actually...he had to come home from his mish early on medical too...nice to be able to relate). Another co-worker asks for a ride. I'm happy to give them both rides. I give co-worker 2 a ride to his house ('cause it's here in town)(I know i'm rambling, but bear with me), and on the ride back, I call (name also removed..."roomate" will suffice).

Roomate was going to be coming over here to Oregon to drive back to Rexburg with's a 13 hr drive from oregon, and getting to see him again so soon was something that i really had my heart set on...he had to call his family to see if they wanted him home for christmas, but was pretty sure that he'd be coming to Oregon anyways...I find out roomate's not coming.....and thus i'm super bummed. This was one of the few things I'd been looking forward to since I had to come home...roomate and I, road trippin' it back to Idaho. Lots of fun times with one of the few people that I trust with every fiber of my being.....and that's a no-go now.

So i call friend from next town over and his dad says that he's asleep...which was good, because he hadn't been able to fall asleep the night before because of medical reasons. I'm happy for said friend at the same time that I'm bummed that all my plans for the evening have just been dashed...oh well tho...better for him to be good than me to have plans.... By this point, my night is ruined...I figure I'll just go home, and go to sleep...the rest of the night isn't worth facing, really.

So i take co-worker 1 home...all the while I'm driving to his house....the thought of going home and killing myself is ever-present. I know what you're thinking, friend..."whoa, back up...KILL yourself?!" But that's what I've got....the thought's there right now...and if not kill myself, harm myself somehow....probably end up cutting myself or something....which I haven't ever done...and don't know if I'd ever have the balls to try, because i'm as gutless as I am. Even with the medication that I'm on...I still have the want to be free from this mortal coil. Yes, it's deception, or so my intellect tells me...but what do my feelings say? It'd be an escape...I'd be getting free from these from being a burden to everyone around me....and maybe God will understand...I can't fight this any longer....and asking for help hasn't done me any good....thats why I've prayers are infrequent, as is my scripture study....I just want to be done....I want to have a rest.

Well, needless to say, I didn't kill myself....and I didn't try either. My car broke down outside employee 1's house after dropping him dad had to come get me. Dad and I dont' get along very well. If we're forced into tight quarters (IE, his truck) for an extended period of time, there's uncomfortable discussion, there's him not understanding me in the least, and there's me crying.....all happened last night, as we were cramped in his truck for 3 hours waiting for the bloody tow truck.

I'm not even 20 years old yet, and I'm facing a quarter-life is this fair in God's eyes? What've I done to get this? Obviously I didn't choose to have this affliction in the life before this one...or if I did, i wish I would have seen full well what I'd be going through, because I must not have seen it....I'm enduring emotional hell...and I just want a jet engine to fall from a plane, crash into my room and end my existence right about now............bleak, i know, but frank and honest as I know i can be with you, that's how I feel.

so here I am tonight. Desparate...alone....all the rest of the house is asleep, and it's 3am. I've tried calling one person, but she's asleep...there's nobody else to talk to who'd understand.

Ya...i'm going to go try to sleep now.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Mama tried to wash their faces, but these kids, they've lost their graces

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Sounds melodramatic, but that's how I feel...gosh, I need to not listen to Damien Rice when I'm depressed...on one hand, somehow Irish musicians tend to hit the spot when I'm depressed (thus making me more depressed), and second, it makes me think of a really good friend, off on his mission in Croatia, that plays the cello. Meh...It's better for me to listen to my depressing music and sit in my sweet sulking than to masturbate, feel like crap afterwards, and then hate just gives me something to aid in my lamenting...completely healthy and unhedonistic after a physical fashion.

I've not been doing the best with masturbation earlier this week...that or pornography. Yes, I reallize that 80% of all males are involved in one, the other, or both, but I've never felt like I was 'like everyone else,' which, consequently, is one of the reasons I've got the emotional baggage I'm lugging about. In childhood I felt like I was different than the other boys...and boys will be boys...except for me....and they feared what they didn't understand. The girls did. Women had become revered as something to be honored, cherrished and protected, all good things, but put into an unreallistic scale in my childhood. Men, males and boys became the epitome of masculination and as I could identify with the girls, intimidating, and eventually the fascination I developed, due to my lack of knowedge, became sexuallized...and bada boom. Here you have me...19 year old with same-sex attraction issues.

If you throw into the mix that my father and I have never really gotten along, and I don't feel I can trust him (never really have...he's never been there for me), then you have the combinations that have brought me to my depression, anxiety and paranoia. No, I'm not blaming them...that's the hard thing. My counselor (who is awesome, by the way) has suggested that I look at my parents with an extremely critical eye...They've always been placed on a constantly feeling the need to over-achieve to be noticed by my father, and my being reenforced for it by my brother have brought me to this emotional standstill.

....but enough psychology.....

I've been working alot. Not as much as I would like, but more at times...I end up wanting to dodge out early on frequent occasions, but stick with it for the money. I've got my apartment reserved in Rexburg, and now I just wait until I get to drive over there. I will have a car, and my parents are putting me on Triple A, which is an immense stress relief (both having the car, and AAA)...

I've been able to cut back on my swearing significantly in the past week...I'm optimistically saying that, maybe wanting it to be the start of my 'oming around.' Me reading my scriptures daily and praying feeling at place at brushing my teeth everyday.

As for now, I'm kind of rambling because my eyes are having a hard time staying shut, but my fingers and brain don't want to I'll type with eyes closed.

I've been really missing my best mate lately. We've been text messaging back and forth alot tonight, and its' really good to be able to hear from him. I jus thope that there's reciprocity. He's really been one of the only people I feel I can trust.

Anyway...I need to go to bed. My eyelids aren't staying open long enough to proof-read, and soon, i fear, i'll reach incoherence.