Friday, November 25, 2005

Need a Catharsis

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Nobody knows what's going on. Friends are clueless...well....not entirely clueless...I just hate to carry on. I know it sounds oh so grim, and oh so 'look at me,' but I really am tired of putting up with my life at present. As I drove home tonight, the reallization of just how easily I could careen into another car flooded my mind...but then, thinking of the mechanics of the situation, that would lead me into causing the other driver's death as death won't be something to directly, physically affect anyone as tempting as the possibly instant end-all scenario of driving into another car is, that one's a no go. Then there was the thought of just careening off the side of the road...but then i reallized I'd most likely just end up with a bad case of whiplash, and no car....there isn't anything tall enough, here, to drop off of...none of that.
I suppose that me walking in front of the freeway and getting squashed to jam would be an alternative, but then the 'injuring other people' factor comes back no. The want to cut my wrists, as overused and over-romanticized in the teen counter-culture has been an idea....but then there's just that...a head-on collision with the teen counter-culture...gag me with a spoon....that collision, and the fact that I'd be doing it more as a means to punish myself for being a horrible person, AND my lack of a pain tolerance (and lack of a place that would be easiliy hideable) are, at present, preventing me from doing so....still, were anything of a like manner to happen, that's most likely what I would do....I've got a razor blade in my room...used for craft ideas etc...I've been keeping myself from it...I'm trying to continue to.

I tried getting ahold of another friend...he couldn't be bothered...he still has my trust...not that my other friend has lost it, but just battered it around a little bit, as I accept how he copes with 'effectionate displays.' Anyway...he won't be home till 4 am...and I have to work at 7 am...I need someone to talk to...I need someone to need me. It's always a matter of me being the one in need...I'm never important to anyone...sure they'll say it...sure they'll try and mean it, but who REALLY depends on me? Whose happiness is greatly marginal on my own? Nobody's, that's who. Not my roomate, not my family, not my friends, not my 'acquantences.' Nobody...and I get pushed away if I try to need anyone else...a perfect compliment.

I really don't think I have the guts to do do any of it...if I do, I'll be surprised...

I just wish there was someone to have me...someone for me to rely be good enough for someone else...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

My life: in twain

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My "Father." The man responsible for my birth...we haven't talked in over a day...and as much as part of me wants to be able to put this behind me, the other knows that I'd only be making more excuses for you. You've emotionally mutilated me for ages...robbing me of identifying with you...keeping your support for my endeavors scarce. That's why I'm this wreck. Due to my constant need and lack of approval from you, I've become a machine hellbent on doing whatever it takes to impress people...because I had to hellbend myself to impress YOU. It's all I've known.

Emotional abuse.

Today I am a walking anxiety attack. Working 10+ hours a day, everday for the past 4 days has been more taxing than I can put into words. Atop that, I ran out of medication last night, so staying alive was a fight this I wished that I could just disappear...not that I so much wanted to kill myself, as just feel something other than exquisite agony. I went to sleep at 4...woke up at 9...and work was busier than I've seen it before. Constant prodding...children screaming...rush rush rush rush. I'm almost relieved that they're cutting my hours back as much as they are...definately NOT relieved that I'll be getting a miniscule paycheck for this next month...but I suppose I'll have to deal with it. More on job #1 later.

My father and I got into an argument the night before last...I had just come home from working for 9 hours at job #2, was dog tired, sick of disgruntled customers, wanting their videogame systems that had yet to be released, and was already emotionally bent out of shape. My sister had, the night before, acquired a vintage peacoat that had belonged to my father (from my brother), and given it to me, knowing how much I'd LOVE something like that. First think that happens when I walk in the door, "hey, why are you wearing my peacoat?" I had explained that he had given it to my brother, and my sister had gotten it from him for me. "I only let him BORROW it," he growled...he forgot to mention that he had let my brother borrow it a meager 5 years prior. Submissive as I have been in these past months, I decided to put up no contest, and relinquish posession of such a short-lived joy. Oh I'll be coatless in Rexburg. As I began to climb the 13 steps to my bedroom, he beckoned for me again. "Come down here!" "What?!" I asked, getting exaspirated. Surely, if there was something he could ask me on the ground floor of his house, he could ask it whilst I stood on the stairs. But no.

I marched down the stairs, and said in slightly elevated tone "what?!"
"That's the second time you've raised your voice to me tonight, and I will NOT tolerate it any more! I'm sick of it!" He went on to mumble something about me needing to pay for part of my portion of the cell phone bill...something miniscule...something inconsequential that he could have written to me in a note, or discussed over a meal, and had it not have any such reprocussions...but I had come to my breaking point...I refuse any further emotional manipulation.

I left the house that night...and when I left, this was no longer my home. It's not mine anymore. There is a room that I live in, and there are my things in it...but it's not my room. There is the car that I drive, and I use almost exclusively, but its not my car...they all belong to him, and if he's belligerant enough to use those against me, so be it. I'll let go of the rope in this game of tug-of-war...He can fall on his ass, I don't care if I lose the'll be worth it to see him unsupported by my back-breaking efforts.

Now I am without a place to call my own...I keep wasting money on a computer that'll never be finished (actually, come weds, it should be), but have only $250 in my bank account...$60 needs to go for tithing, $100 for my housing application, and I need money to get back TO Rexburg, not to mention food, and whatever else...I've only got maybe 3 more paychecks coming...I'm fucked.

Job #1 is cutting my hours...I work 2 days out of the whole month, and it seems that one of the owners just DISLIKES me...blatantly and such, I find myself overachieving to try to compensate...and I'm killing myself by doing it.

The thought of damaging myself so as to punish myself for being the horrible person I am is more and more strong with each passing morning. No, I haven't cut my wrists, burned myself or done any other act of self inflicted injury...but I don't know how far off I am.

I am an 'abomination against God,' as the for the strength of youth pamphlet stated about homosexuality....
I should be punished
I am NOT budgeting well, but giving into personal rewards that I really haven't earned (at least I don't feel like I've earned the right to hedonize in this non-carnal manner)
I should be punished
I'm a freeloader...relying on my parents at the age of 20...I should be self-sufficient
I should be punished
I masturbate
I should be punished
I have impure thoughts that run through my head, and can't/don't stop them
I should be punished
I don't read my scriptures/pray...nobody answers...
I should be punished

Friday, November 04, 2005

Small Victories, But Now She's not Important

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So, today my determination was set (kind of) to not mess up with the big, nast M word. And I didn't. Hurrah. I'm getting ready for work, and have nothing better to do, before putting on my socks, than write a small entry. (Mental Note...SMALL)

I just got my paycheck, and it is soooo good to have money. Too bad I'm blowing a decent amount of it right off the batt, tonight, buying the rest of my computer parts. And then another 100 of the 500 I've been saving is going down on my housing deposit, and another 50 (at least) to tithing. FOOOOOWSH! It's okay though. I'll have enough money to scrape by for the next 2 weeks, and then I can actually start SAVING for school expenses. Mom and Dad want to sit me down and discuss my financial stuff with much everything is going to much I plan on finally cornering them into letting me have the car. Myarh. (pardon my intelligable noises...they're better than swearing).

That's another thing I've been doing well with lately...I haven't been swearing NEAR as much as I was. I'm trying to get thsoe around me to cut back on it as well...don't wanna be all pushy though.

Last night I lost a friend. She became an longer given to being in my circle of 'friends,' which has been contratcing more and more with each passing week. I've told people about my problems, and more and more of those that I've told have started pushing themselves away from me, or I have done the same out of shame...but this one...she refuses to relent, and see the world from another's point of view. She's trapped in her little 'my life is perfect, and nothing ever goes wrong with me' bubble, high atop her soapbox. People who strut about like great spiritual rooster make me want to grab a proverbial shotgun, and have chicken noodle soup for dinner. Anyway, I don't plan on talking to her much more, if ever again. There are some people, I've learned, that aren't worth my time...aren't worth being in my life. I learned that with Rick, that he was just too much of a hassle for me to deal with...and now with Christine, I've just decided that she's not important to me as a friend. She's someone I know, and only that.

Time to eat a quick lunch, and then work from 2-10. FOOWF!

I've got canker sores like a madman...YEEOWJH! Anybody know any good sure-fire, quick cures for canker sores? I think it's been the sleep deprivation, stress and bad diet...meep.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Nightmares and Nobody to Talk to

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I ran out of medicaiton last night...there really was nothing I could do. I still need to set up an appointment with my physician to get my Rx filled, finally, but just a word to whomever reads this: If it sounds overly morose, depressed, or all together a desparate cry for help, just know that my medication wore off as I was sleeping last night, and I have yet to go and get some more from my Mom's office.

Nightmares and migranes...that's what I get for not taking my medication...what I get for letting myself run out, even for a day. How can things be this bad? I just found out that a friend got in a car accident, almost died. I just went and answered the phone, and then layed down on the bed with my kitty, and tried to pet him, and he walked away. That might seem like insignificant drivvel, but that just broke my heart. I don't want to say that that's what ruined my day, but that's the point when I reallized that today is just failed...already. I've only been up 15 minutes, and it already is enough to make me want to fling myself over a cliff. [know that I have no INTENTIONS of doing so, just the want, and that's due to the lack of medication]

How is it fair that Satan can use something MEDICAL, like depression against us? Its completely not of right now I am doing NOTHING to contrary to the teachings of the Gospel. I've been trying to read my scriptures, trying to cut back on my swearing, working my butt off, have plans to pay my tithing today, haven't masturbated in about a week [trying to stop, yet again...though I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't tempted], caught myself before looking at porn...I'm typically doing a good job...and yet, still, when I'm not on some blasted medication, my psychie is still ravaged by a depression, the root of which I'm not even certain as to the source.

I say I'm not certain as to the source, because, while still attracted to men, lately I've been trying to just put it out of my mind. I've got plans to move forward with my life, and I feel good about them, and following the path of homosexuality is NOT included in them. I've even been toying with the idea of dating girls...I want to date girls again [though, ever girl I have the almost-guts to talk to about dating, I then find out, is taken]...I should be doing good, right? According to my reasoning, yes...but here I am, unmedicated, and still miserable.

I have to work tonight, and I feel like I'm getting sick...that's what I get for working 50+ hours a week...but the money is soo good...not good enough, but making money is good...and when I'm working, I rarely if ever think of my SSA problems. Me working my butt off is a good thing.

I'd better go drive up to get that medication from my mom before this migrane turns worse, and before I turn full-fledged suicidal...I'm going to continue to try to look on the positive...I'm going to try to read my scriptures...I'm going to try to pray...I'm going to try to be a good boy. I'm going to try to gain the approval of the male figures in my life, when I know/feel that I never will...maybe that's why I have a hard time trusting God? Because I don't trust my own father, and thus, how could any kind of Father be trustworthy? My Heavenly Father is supposed to be a glorified model of what MY father is, right? To the maximum extent...still not a comforting idea...I still have a hard time trusting. I suppose I'll tell him that.