So, this stint at home has been....non-beneficial...but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Things with my father have left me really nothing but sore muscles (meaning tension). Since I lack the stones to talk to him myself (which I need to work on), and I really didn't feel like crying anymore than I had to, I talked to my Mom on the subject instead. I brought to her attention that I never have felt like I've had his attention or approval, etc etc. One thing that I hate is that my mom is always so positive. I know, I know, how chaotic of me. But that's always been my response. "Maybe you could try thinking more about the future than what's happened in the past, because it can't be changed." Very wise words, I think I've reallized. It still doesn't fix the fact that he's hurt my past and my future by his actions back there. I wish that I could make them right, and I wish that I could make him see, in advance, what all he'd be doing to me.
Granted, I'm not blaming my whole homosexuality and depression on him...sure, I believe there are some kind of a predestined propensity in everyone towards one thing or another. It just so happens that in my immediate family, it's same-sex attraction.
Yesterday was our 'family gathering' that I came home for...and it was absolutely dumb. I know, maybe I should have tried to have a little bit more passion about things, but it's kind of hard to have some hutzspa about something as boring as eating hamburgers inside with a couple members of my family. It was supposed to be an Easter/Sister's Birthday celebration, and really didn't come across as either of them.
On the drive home, I ended up turning on Jack Johnson and getting lost, and extraordinarily depressed, because that's the CD that reminds me so much of......er.....him. I ended up not wanting to ask for directions, so I drove around the outskirt towns of Portland looking for a familiar highway. The drive that should usually take around 35 minutes turned into an hour and 45 minutes, and I was bushed. Muscles sore and tight, headache ready and raring, and my emotions already having run close to full circle from Lonely - Depressed - Aroused -- the only thing missing was Guilty which was to come later.
These past 3 nights have been absolutely idiotic. Not only have I been not falling into the trap of porn, but jumping in. I've been running in search of it, even when I haven't really been feeling horny in the least to start out with. Last night was particularly stupid, as I decided to go get high, and then look at porn. (which really isn't that exciting, incase you're curious...it really wasn't any more exciting, maybe even less)
I took one of my sleeping pills and then decided to fight the narcotic effects...essentially it was like having a migrane without all the pain and pounding...blurred vision, lack of peripheral vision, swimming head. The porn was kind of an impulse of feeling lonely (which, at least at present moment, isn't exactly a comfort at all...infact how the two are connected kind of confuses me right now...I blame my subconscious)...apparantly I tried sending a whole slew of random photos to friends, and requested sexual favors. I didn't remember all that jazz until it was presented to me, and I just thought it silly.
He is out of town at the present. Out of cell phone communication. I hate that I'm so serially confused by his actions. He's feelings. constantly a little bit aloof...speaking only vaguely of his..stating that confusion hasn't been far off for him either, and that he's just trying to unwind and de-stress. I'm just hoping that we can get back to where we were before...he's consoled me that he still wants to hold me, which means that at least physically, in part, I can hope I'll be satisfied (as sex isn't really a big temptation for me...I just want to feel loved, really). I guess I hate the emotional uncertainty most of all. I've been reassured that he loves me, and that he misses me, but "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."
I understand it, but I guess, for me at least, it's hard to wrap my head around. I guess the concept of just "falling out of love" is one that's difficult to grasp for me. Usually that's something that revolves around an experience. I would think that it would be some action that would cause love to dwindle, but from his words, it just happened. I hate to sound cynical, but I think that he's just trying to be "good." Which I love. I think that makes it more difficult, and, admittedly, more desirable. I know he's sticking with what he believes in...even if it means trying to convince himself that he's not in love...I need to do better at respecting that...doesn't mean I'm in love with him any less.
I re-organized my music collection on my computer.
I decided that Ambien is NOT a choice way of achieving a chemical high.
I've decided to put porn away...it's just kind of dumb at present.
I'm listening to goth-metal at the moment.
I think I'm going to try to take a vacation from this "being gay." Not that I've actively been doing much...mostly hating myself, really. I'll start taking classes again soon enough. I'll have a sweet, sweet bedroom and a sweet, sweet apartment (complete with dish washer, walk-in pantry, and 2 fridges and bathrooms!), and. Hopefully I'll be actively making friends, being stressed out with homework, and working out and sculpting my body into something more healthy.
I'll be leaving my parents' home here soon, I think. Staying here is only hurting. I've got a good friend who's willing to let me crash at his apartment, so I think that will be a very good thing for the early-stay.
Yeah for goth-rock.