Thursday, April 27, 2006


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So, this stint at home has been....non-beneficial...but there's light at the end of the tunnel. Things with my father have left me really nothing but sore muscles (meaning tension). Since I lack the stones to talk to him myself (which I need to work on), and I really didn't feel like crying anymore than I had to, I talked to my Mom on the subject instead. I brought to her attention that I never have felt like I've had his attention or approval, etc etc. One thing that I hate is that my mom is always so positive. I know, I know, how chaotic of me. But that's always been my response. "Maybe you could try thinking more about the future than what's happened in the past, because it can't be changed." Very wise words, I think I've reallized. It still doesn't fix the fact that he's hurt my past and my future by his actions back there. I wish that I could make them right, and I wish that I could make him see, in advance, what all he'd be doing to me.

Granted, I'm not blaming my whole homosexuality and depression on him...sure, I believe there are some kind of a predestined propensity in everyone towards one thing or another. It just so happens that in my immediate family, it's same-sex attraction.

Yesterday was our 'family gathering' that I came home for...and it was absolutely dumb. I know, maybe I should have tried to have a little bit more passion about things, but it's kind of hard to have some hutzspa about something as boring as eating hamburgers inside with a couple members of my family. It was supposed to be an Easter/Sister's Birthday celebration, and really didn't come across as either of them.

On the drive home, I ended up turning on Jack Johnson and getting lost, and extraordinarily depressed, because that's the CD that reminds me so much I ended up not wanting to ask for directions, so I drove around the outskirt towns of Portland looking for a familiar highway. The drive that should usually take around 35 minutes turned into an hour and 45 minutes, and I was bushed. Muscles sore and tight, headache ready and raring, and my emotions already having run close to full circle from Lonely - Depressed - Aroused -- the only thing missing was Guilty which was to come later.

These past 3 nights have been absolutely idiotic. Not only have I been not falling into the trap of porn, but jumping in. I've been running in search of it, even when I haven't really been feeling horny in the least to start out with. Last night was particularly stupid, as I decided to go get high, and then look at porn. (which really isn't that exciting, incase you're really wasn't any more exciting, maybe even less)

I took one of my sleeping pills and then decided to fight the narcotic effects...essentially it was like having a migrane without all the pain and pounding...blurred vision, lack of peripheral vision, swimming head. The porn was kind of an impulse of feeling lonely (which, at least at present moment, isn't exactly a comfort at all...infact how the two are connected kind of confuses me right now...I blame my subconscious)...apparantly I tried sending a whole slew of random photos to friends, and requested sexual favors. I didn't remember all that jazz until it was presented to me, and I just thought it silly.

He is out of town at the present. Out of cell phone communication. I hate that I'm so serially confused by his actions. He's feelings. constantly a little bit aloof...speaking only vaguely of his..stating that confusion hasn't been far off for him either, and that he's just trying to unwind and de-stress. I'm just hoping that we can get back to where we were before...he's consoled me that he still wants to hold me, which means that at least physically, in part, I can hope I'll be satisfied (as sex isn't really a big temptation for me...I just want to feel loved, really). I guess I hate the emotional uncertainty most of all. I've been reassured that he loves me, and that he misses me, but "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

I understand it, but I guess, for me at least, it's hard to wrap my head around. I guess the concept of just "falling out of love" is one that's difficult to grasp for me. Usually that's something that revolves around an experience. I would think that it would be some action that would cause love to dwindle, but from his words, it just happened. I hate to sound cynical, but I think that he's just trying to be "good." Which I love. I think that makes it more difficult, and, admittedly, more desirable. I know he's sticking with what he believes in...even if it means trying to convince himself that he's not in love...I need to do better at respecting that...doesn't mean I'm in love with him any less.

I re-organized my music collection on my computer.

I decided that Ambien is NOT a choice way of achieving a chemical high.

I've decided to put porn's just kind of dumb at present.

I'm listening to goth-metal at the moment.

I think I'm going to try to take a vacation from this "being gay." Not that I've actively been doing much...mostly hating myself, really. I'll start taking classes again soon enough. I'll have a sweet, sweet bedroom and a sweet, sweet apartment (complete with dish washer, walk-in pantry, and 2 fridges and bathrooms!), and. Hopefully I'll be actively making friends, being stressed out with homework, and working out and sculpting my body into something more healthy.

I'll be leaving my parents' home here soon, I think. Staying here is only hurting. I've got a good friend who's willing to let me crash at his apartment, so I think that will be a very good thing for the early-stay.

Yeah for goth-rock.

Monday, April 24, 2006

And Now I Reallize Why

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I'm talking to a friend online, and, just now, I think I understand part of my self loathing better. Why it is that I hate myself as much as I do.

Probably around the age of 8 is when I learned that homosexuallity is an 'abomination against God and nature.'

I had reallized in the year beforehand, 1st grade, that I was attracted to boys, not girls. There was one boy on the playground who was specifically attractive. Auburn hair that was just so cool, green eyes, those flannel shirts that were all the craze back in my gradeschool days. He just looked good. I almost want to say he looked cooler than I think he was cute, but at the time, I thought he was cute.

I've had it driven into my head for 12+ years that 'you like boys, so you're evil.' I haven't known anything else...other than the fact that I am an evil being, unilke the other boys, because of this thing that I've got. And I consider it like that. Something that I've got. It's not a trial, it's like a disease I've contracted.

And I guess that's part of what makes this so rough. I'm sick, I'm why isn't God healing me? Making me better? Do I have to be perfect in order for him to make me okay again? I just hope that if I were able to be perfect, he'd take this all away. That's why I tried to go on a mission. I thought it would help me...thought it would make me more of a perfect and complete person. Instead, it only broke me.

I've been musing more and more on the idea of a homosexual relationship...and I'm reallizing more and more just how much it wouldn't work, statistically, in the long-run. So many just don't make many relationships that wash down the drain, and fail. Far too many cases of infidelity for me to feel secure in it. How much it would brake my heart to find out that whomever I was in love with, and had made love with, had been unfaithful.

But on the other hand, relationships with girls have never worked out for me. It comes down, unconsciously, to my hating women. My mother was never courageous enough to stop my father from talking down to me, or keep my father from being emotionally abusive. It was only after he had gone that she'd console me, but never reprimand him. I hated her for that. I guess part of me still does. As a direct, or indirect, result of her actions, I felt like women were needing to be taken care of, and protected, not viewed as strong individuals themselves.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't. Go gay - be potentially spiritually miserable for all of eternity. Try to continue dating women and eventually get married - and I'm un-gratified in this life...and you only live once. We're supposed to have joy on this Earth, right? Then why should I go and get married, feel like I'm living a lie. I'd be even MORE of a hypocrite then, than I feel right now.

So what do I do now?

. . . . . . . . .

Sunday, April 23, 2006

I keep making this to-do list, but nothing gets crossed out

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I'm back in Oregon...12 hour drive back, alone, because nobody was coming back this early, and beacuse Mom wanted me to come back...that, and to collect my red electric guitar. 5 minutes home, and Dad's trying to strike up an argument. I don't understand this city...I don't understand the people here...and this is where I grew up?

This feeling I've's a lack of feeling actually, but it's what i've got right's worse than the loneliness I've been feeling without the one that I love. This feeling is what makes more horribly depressed than anything...makes me more suicidal than is healthy for someone like myself....hell, nobody should ever feel suicidal, right? Well looks like I'm stuck in this boat, no matter how much it rocks.

My love has been aloof as of late...I get "I love you"s, but they're "I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you"s. How he kissed...can that be the truth? A part of me thinks that he's trying to be good the good mormon, wich I want him to do (and don't at the same time) if he wants to, and pushing me away, because he's scared of getting in this too deep...not letting himself be in love, because he's scared of it.

Here's a marker, here's my naked skin:
Art Exhibit A
Put a small "x" where I lost my way

My friends here are the borg...or they're not...Everyone is happy, or they're good liars. So many of them are wrapped up in happiness, and I'm kind of left behind. What'd I miss out on? Some of it seems like masks being put up, continuing to be "happy" in this stuffy, crowded spot. Some are happy to be able to get out of here, for which I applaud them...maybe that's all that I'm seeing? The friends who are getting out, and I'm just thinking "holy hell, I'm here for another 2 weeks." I guess I need to remember that I'm getting out in 2, not longer...I think I 'm going to go home early.

Alot of my friends back in Rexburg are leaving. While I'm happy that I get to kind of start over, I'm sad too...I've never been okay with just letting go of friends...and I guess that I'm still hung up on that.

In this house, I feel oppressed. Sure, there's alot of food in the fridge, but there's the Father Figure constantly trying to start fights. There's Mom who doesn't understand why or how I've gotten so depressed. There's my little brother who's ruling the house, and for that I'm patting him on the back. I guess he's earned it, being the youngest of all of us.

I just need to get back to my nearly-empty fridge, my drawings, my traffic signs that I stole up on the walls, and to people that I feel actually care for me. Sure my parents care, but it's the kind of care that is obligated...they care for me with money, and hugs, but they're not THERE for me. .Jerk, thank you for being there for me. Post Secret, eventhough you're a concept, thank you for being there and giving me strength for the following week.

I need to be able to create again. I'll be so distracted this next semester. I can't wait for distraction, and even for frustration because of it. At least it'll be something other than being frustrated with my life that is completely devoid of feeling, other than depression, and frustration over what I've been keeping stewing in my head. I'll have an outside aggressor that I'm forced to deal with, in my perfectionist nature, that I get to either dance with, or wrestle. It'll be a welcome uncertainty.

I need to get a band up and running finally, once I get back home. Oregon doesn't equal home anymore. Rexburg is home.

"You know that point in your life when you reallize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden, eventhough you have a place to put your shit, the idea of home is gone." - Garden State

That's me right now. I just need to remember to try to laugh between the times that I cry. Too bad I forget after 5 minutes.

Friday, April 14, 2006

So For Now, I'm Alive

I didn't sleep this last night, but that's totally okay. I feel completely philisophical. Right now, I have reason, I have purpose. What that rason or purpose is, I'm not entirely sure, but at least I know that it's there.

Since I didn't sleep, I decided that I needed to watch the sunrise from atop the water tower. It was 6am, and I was already breaking the law. Unfortunately (but I think fortunately, as well, due to my fear of heights), the full stairwell up the side of the tower was blocked off, but that didn't stop me from climbing 1/4 of the way and watching as the sun rose.

I remember I kept on looking in the wrong place, trying to figure out where the sun would come up. It had been far too long since I had seen a sunrise, so I'm glad that I took this opportunity to watch for it.

I think I reallize, now, why it is that Superman gets his energy from our Yellow Sun. And Birdman too. The sun is envigorating, even if it is chilly enough outside that you can see your breath, and your black satin jacket isn't enouigh to keep you sufficiently warm.

White knuckled, I grasp the side of the ladder for, it must have been, close to an hour, and watched the sun rise. I read part of The Perks of Being a Wallflower while I was up there. I wanted to cry. And then, moments later, I was elated at the sight of the sun.

I've been questioning the very basis of my belief lately. What is right for me? What will bring me happiness? We only get one shot at life, and if you live it miserably, I think that's a sin. I wasn't created to be miserable, now was I?

The only thing that terrifies me about thinking like that, is that it involves toying with the idea of paving my own way...letting loose my grip on the beliefs that I've tried to cling to for 20 years...what if they're just not what I need? What if they're making this depression and self abuse worse? That terrifies me.

But for now...I have a little bit of least, I did when I started writing this.

I listened to, what I consider, our song on the way to and from the water tower today. I want it all back, what we had. But you don't think it's what's best, and I love you enough to let that hurt stay...the hurt of not being able to be close to me...but that's okay. It's out of me now...I don't have to try to find the words to express it again any time in the immediate future. The words are no longer threatening me.

I've read so much in these past 2 days, that it's almost staggering. I'm on a roll, and I think that I want to keep going with it.

For today, I have a reason to live. If I don't climb the water tower to watch the sunrise, it might as well not happen...Dawn breaking, I mean. It's kind of on the same vein as the "if a tree falls in the forest" thing...If I don't take advantage of the things in life that happen, then there's no point to living. Carpe diem. Morte Gratis. Bene Ego Volo.

The photo up there was actually taken just this morning. I was driving back from the water tower, and I saw the street "sunrise," and I had to take a photo.