I keep making this to-do list, but nothing gets crossed out

I'm back in Oregon...12 hour drive back, alone, because nobody was coming back this early, and beacuse Mom wanted me to come back...that, and to collect my red electric guitar. 5 minutes home, and Dad's trying to strike up an argument. I don't understand this city...I don't understand the people here...and this is where I grew up?

This feeling I've got...well...it's a lack of feeling actually, but it's what i've got right now...it's worse than the loneliness I've been feeling without the one that I love. This feeling is what makes more horribly depressed than anything...makes me more suicidal than is healthy for someone like myself....hell, nobody should ever feel suicidal, right? Well looks like I'm stuck in this boat, no matter how much it rocks.

My love has been aloof as of late...I get "I love you"s, but they're "I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you"s. How he kissed...can that be the truth? A part of me thinks that he's trying to be good the good mormon, wich I want him to do (and don't at the same time) if he wants to, and pushing me away, because he's scared of getting in this too deep...not letting himself be in love, because he's scared of it.

Here's a marker, here's my naked skin:
Art Exhibit A
Put a small "x" where I lost my way

My friends here are the borg...or they're not...Everyone is happy, or they're good liars. So many of them are wrapped up in happiness, and I'm kind of left behind. What'd I miss out on? Some of it seems like masks being put up, continuing to be "happy" in this stuffy, crowded spot. Some are happy to be able to get out of here, for which I applaud them...maybe that's all that I'm seeing? The friends who are getting out, and I'm just thinking "holy hell, I'm here for another 2 weeks." I guess I need to remember that I'm getting out in 2, not longer...I think I 'm going to go home early.

Alot of my friends back in Rexburg are leaving. While I'm happy that I get to kind of start over, I'm sad too...I've never been okay with just letting go of friends...and I guess that I'm still hung up on that.

In this house, I feel oppressed. Sure, there's alot of food in the fridge, but there's the Father Figure constantly trying to start fights. There's Mom who doesn't understand why or how I've gotten so depressed. There's my little brother who's ruling the house, and for that I'm patting him on the back. I guess he's earned it, being the youngest of all of us.

I just need to get back to my nearly-empty fridge, my drawings, my traffic signs that I stole up on the walls, and to people that I feel actually care for me. Sure my parents care, but it's the kind of care that is obligated...they care for me with money, and hugs, but they're not THERE for me. .Jerk, thank you for being there for me. Post Secret, eventhough you're a concept, thank you for being there and giving me strength for the following week.

I need to be able to create again. I'll be so distracted this next semester. I can't wait for distraction, and even for frustration because of it. At least it'll be something other than being frustrated with my life that is completely devoid of feeling, other than depression, and frustration over what I've been keeping stewing in my head. I'll have an outside aggressor that I'm forced to deal with, in my perfectionist nature, that I get to either dance with, or wrestle. It'll be a welcome uncertainty.

I need to get a band up and running finally, once I get back home. Oregon doesn't equal home anymore. Rexburg is home.

"You know that point in your life when you reallize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden, eventhough you have a place to put your shit, the idea of home is gone." - Garden State

That's me right now. I just need to remember to try to laugh between the times that I cry. Too bad I forget after 5 minutes.