Running from the Sun
So I don't want to go to sleep...I've been talking with Smurf, and he said don't, so I won't. What else to do? Write a blog.
I want to stop feeling like me...I think I want to be somebody else...I feel like muddy water in a puddle. Or something. I'm confused, and frustrated, and I don't know how to cope with what's been put on my plate. I've been trying to string things up in an orderly manner, but I've found that I'm just tangling things...am I supposed to just take scissors to the cross-stitch I've been constructing? I want to be held. That's what I want. I want strong arms to just hold me, and a strong voice to tell me that everything will be alright...that I'm good enough. That I'm good. I want someone to depend on me at least a little bit...not as much as I am needy, but at least someone to care for...I want to be good enough for someone to love me...And I know I have people who love me...but I guess I'm lonely...I want love...romantically....though I'm terrified of it. In this want for love, I'm terrified of being clinged to. I'm terribly clingy, and I guess as part of hating myself as much as I apparantly do, I hate that part enough to have the dislike projected on others.
I watched Brokeback Mountain. Before you start rolling your eyes, reallize that I had been wanting to watch it. It wasn't a matter of "should I or shouldn't I?" anymore, it was just a matter of how. I saw it, I bawled profusely, and it was extremely cathartic. End of story. I guess I can kind of say that it's scared me out of having any kind of relationship at time present anyway...boyfriend or girlfriend...what if tragedy strikes? I'd be tortured for the remainder of my lifespan...I know it. I just get too emotionally attached.
I wish I could get as cold as some people do. Put up walls...be truly apathetic.
I know I talk about suicide alot...and I know most of you must think me a coward. And I guess, with the dilusion that I'm under, thinking that death would be an escape somehow...that MAYBE God might take pity on me, and somehow I'd find a space in his good graces, even after destroying the life of one of his children...
I meet with my therapist at LDS family services tomorrow (finally!). Supposedly, he was one of the number 1 therapists in dealing with SSA clients within LDS Family Services...but then he retired. Now he's back out of retirement, and in Idaho, and, starting tomorrow, working with me. Hopefully he'll have some advice for my compulsive, self-abusive self-talk...I really have no way of keeping it in control. I reallize that maybe, at first, it was me talking bad to myself because I felt like I deserved some kind of punishment, and now it's escilated into much, much worse. I'm not even sure of that anymore though. There are so many things floating around in my head that I'm not sure if they're fabrications of my lying-to-myself, or if they're actual factual.
Really, I just need some help coping...and I need someone to hold me...or I don't need someone to hold me, but I feel like it'd be extremely therapitic.
I'm scared about my ecclesiastical endorsement...I phoned my Stake Pres. from back in Oregon, and when I asked if he'd be willing to fill it out, and fax it to the school, he sounded irate, and told me that I needed to talk to my Bishop here (which I have been). The reason I haven't been asking my bishop here about it, is because I've been talking to him about my pornography problems. I know that it completely depends on the Bishop as to whether they'll let you have your endorsement when porn is involved, but I'm trying...and I'm scared of asking him about it. I know I need it in as soon as possible...so I might as well just get ahold of him. I'll make it clear to him how important it is that I stay busy...how important it is that I get back into school.
I'm insecure...I need an emotional brace.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 3:57 AM
7 Comments:
Nice pumpkin field picture. My roommates and I still have our uncarved halloween pumpkin. We're thinking of carving a shamrock for Saint Paddy's. Rather than a jack-o-lantern, an O'Jack Lantern.
Hope you find the therapist useful. It's good to talk out some of the things that bother us. Which, I suppose, it what a blog does, but the feedback from a therapist is hopefully qualified and useful. The same cannot be said for the yahoos that comment on blogs.
Gilmore Yahoo
28 February, 2006 17:47
I cried at Brokeback too. Its a heartwrenching story. Therapist that are highly spoken of, theres nothing to worry about there, thats how you can tell there good. If someone has told you their good, take their word for it. Im sure this guy will help you.
28 February, 2006 23:53
I love the mexi-stache.
01 March, 2006 00:20
I wish I could be your emotional buttress, the friend that you care so much about- the one with the comforting yet cliché words “wait for tomorrow, it‘ll be all right ”. I wish I could be the ones who’s hugs mean the most, and that I could console you with out saying much at all… because we know exactly what doesn’t need to be said. We would understand each other.
Instead, I’m nothing more than a shadow of a stranger, standing outside your walls wishing I could somehow vacuum your pain away, yet not having the tools necessary.
Forgive me for my deficiency.
For what its worth, if i had a superpower, i would ask for the power to take away your pain.
thats what i would do.
01 March, 2006 01:06
Was Once
Am No More
But I'm Still Here
If Thats What You Need
My Shoulder For
A Friend From The Past
02 March, 2006 21:28
Hi, I followed a link here a short while ago, and I've been reading your blog since. You and I seem to have a number of things in common: I was born LDS, discovered as a teen that I was gay, and have had firsthand experience with depression and a lot of secondhand experience with mental health issues in my immediate family and with friends.
For what it's worth, here's my two cents worth: begin Mormon, gay, and depressed was more than I could deal with all at once. You need to, and are entitled to, make some responsible and independent decisions about how to reconcile the conflict between your religion and your sexuality, but being depressed really prevents you from doing that. If you can resolve, or at least improve, your medical situation, you will have a lot more capacity to deal with the other issues in a way that is right for you.
I'd suggest focusing at the moment on finding a drug and therapist that work for you. Unfortunately sometimes you have to try more than one of each. I agree with Nesse, it's good to try someone with a good reputation, but if he doesn't work for you--and no one is right for every patient--do try someone else. With drugs, if it isn't helping after the right amount of time (usually 4-6 weeks), be sure your doctor knows and is responding appropriately. If you haven't already, read up on what it's reasonable to expect in the way of medical results somewhere like www.nami.org.
In the meantime, go easy on yourself. You have a lot going on, and it will take some time to deal with all of it. It's ok to take that time, and you don't have to make lots of progress in every direction simultaneously. When your mind is functioning better, things may move faster, but when you're sick, sometimes you have to slow down and leave things for tomorrow.
Keep in mind that most people in the Church don't have much idea what your situation (and mine) is like. They may mean well, but their resources for dealing with both sexual orientation and mental illness are often very limited, and their results may not be as good as their intentions. If you can, try to maintain some distance from other people's suggestions (mine, too!) and don't assume just because you feel confused that they know what's best for you. That's something each of us has to work out for ourselves.
Good luck, and best wishes.
05 March, 2006 17:13
Just stumbled on your amazing blog by accident and would like to say that after struggling with the church for years over its teachings (gays, blacks, women's roles, etc.) I came back from a mission with more questions than answers. Two things were the death knell for me: 1) The realization that there wasn't a SINGLE thing I could do that would make my own father banish me from his presence and how could a "perfect father" fall short of my own father? and 2) If it's possible to imagine a purer love, acceptance, and joy than that exhibited by the God the church teaches, then there's a problem, since God is supposed to be the perfection of all things. What kind of God would "curse" someone with homosexuality just to mess with them to see if they can overcome it? Certainly no God I decided I'd like to be associated with. This is like God not granting the full benefits of the priesthood to blacks--something that was fundamental to their nature. Therein lies the church's position that being gay is a choice that can be overcome. If they would accept the correct reality that it is a fundamental trait, they would have to accept the people who are gay, because it is literally who they are. I wish you well and know that the reconciliation that you are seeking is not going to be easy coming if at all. What I can say is that choosing life for who you are is infinitely preferable to speeding into an afterlife that might not even exist.
06 March, 2006 15:49
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