Nothing Hurts Like your Mouth

I didn't put this blog up to start flame wars over people's views. Sorry if it sounds a bit self-centered, but it's MY blog, my place to vent, so please, respect it, and get along with eachother.

My homosexual tendencies are something that I do, at this point in my life, consider an evil. I've been told multiple times by church leaders, therapists, and friends alike that the attraction isn't the sin...the sin would be found in my acting out, if I ever did so...but that's not a fact that sticks with me right now. The Gay lifestyle is something that I can't allow myself to indulge in, so, my apologies to Hawaii Dave, but it's not something that I'm keen on "accepting." The fact that I'm attracted to men is simply not acceptable to me...and I won't ever live well with it...I appreciate your offer for support, but as it stands, I most likely won't take you, or others, up on the offer. That's not to say it's not appreciated.

To JD, I completely appreciated your sympathies, and your prayers, as well as those of anyone who might be reading this, are extremely appreciated. Having people, both homosexual and heterosexual in my corner makes this fight called life a bit easier to fight.



Now to the meat of my post -
I finally got back to Rexburg. *Sigh of Relief* Being away from my father, my mother, my siblings, people from the church back there...it's just so much of a relief. . . . . . .I have already gotten myself caught up in a love square (think love triangle, but love square)...I've got my best mate, and roomate, the girl he's currently macking on, and one of my good (girl) friends from my home town. Roomate likes his girl, my girlfriend likes roomate, I thought still kind of liked my girlfriendie friend (we dated some in high school...), and am less than pleased with my roomates new lady...I'm beginning to see the truth in the words my therapist, back in Oregon, had for me...that I hate women...I got screwed over by my mother's cowardice as a child (I'll elaborate more on that in bit), and as a consequence, hold an un-conscious disdain for women.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I just don't like the girl...she's nice, she knows about videogames, she's a cute girl...but no...mlah. Call it me being a big prick of a jealous friend, call it my unwaning loyalty to my friends, and not wanting to see them with less than their best, blame it on my disdain for women...I honestly just don't know...Infact, I need to get ahold of the counseling center here at school so I can run all this by them...get their professional opinion on the matter.

My roomates are all really cool...I think they're catching on to the fact that I'm gay, but none are freaking out about it. My ROOMATE roomate already knows and he's not afraid of me for it (thank goodness), and continues to help me out as I'm frustrated, etc.

Sunday was a killer. First off, my hair was completely unruly and totally not up to BYU standard (big woop though), so I was getting dirty looks left and right...I was used to it...but I felt like such an outsider! Back at home everybody knew me as the wallflower...but here...there simply aren't any wallflowers in my ward! It seemed almost as if I as expected to be chipper cheery Peter Priesthood...and I hate that. But here's the clincher. I go to priesthood meeting...there were a decent number of good looking guys around (another factor that's kind of got me on edge...more reason for me to stay cooped up in my apartment)...and once in particular caught my eye...I'll just say he was extremely good looking. We kept on making eye contact, and then both looked away bashfully...'He can't be gay....that'd be SUCH bad timing, and I don't know how well I could hold out!' I thought to myself...We all introduced ourselves, and announced my major...I figured I was going to be the only one with my major, since BYUI doesn't actually offer it; I'm going to have to transfer to BYU to finish my degree...low and behold - he's the same major.

'This is disasterous,' I think to myself...and of course, me being the flirtatious, curious dork that I am, I had to go and introduce myself, and talk it up with the kid a bit...he's just good looking. I ended up having to run back and forth to the laundry room about 10 times last night, and looked at his door everytime...looked at his window, thinking maybe he'd be standing nearby it so I could catch a peek at him...thank goodness the blinds were closed...but bah! I hate all the pretty boys! There are too many good looking mormons!