Mama tried to wash their faces, but these kids, they've lost their graces

Sounds melodramatic, but that's how I feel...gosh, I need to not listen to Damien Rice when I'm depressed...on one hand, somehow Irish musicians tend to hit the spot when I'm depressed (thus making me more depressed), and second, it makes me think of a really good friend, off on his mission in Croatia, that plays the cello. Meh...It's better for me to listen to my depressing music and sit in my sweet sulking than to masturbate, feel like crap afterwards, and then hate myself...music just gives me something to aid in my lamenting...completely healthy and unhedonistic after a physical fashion.

I've not been doing the best with masturbation earlier this week...that or pornography. Yes, I reallize that 80% of all males are involved in one, the other, or both, but I've never felt like I was 'like everyone else,' which, consequently, is one of the reasons I've got the emotional baggage I'm lugging about. In childhood I felt like I was different than the other boys...and boys will be boys...except for me....and they feared what they didn't understand. The girls did. Women had become revered as something to be honored, cherrished and protected, all good things, but put into an unreallistic scale in my childhood. Men, males and boys became the epitome of masculination and as I could identify with the girls, intimidating, and eventually the fascination I developed, due to my lack of knowedge, became sexuallized...and bada boom. Here you have me...19 year old with same-sex attraction issues.

If you throw into the mix that my father and I have never really gotten along, and I don't feel I can trust him (never really have...he's never been there for me), then you have the combinations that have brought me to my depression, anxiety and paranoia. No, I'm not blaming them...that's the hard thing. My counselor (who is awesome, by the way) has suggested that I look at my parents with an extremely critical eye...They've always been placed on a pedistal...me constantly feeling the need to over-achieve to be noticed by my father, and my being reenforced for it by my brother have brought me to this emotional standstill.

....but enough psychology.....

I've been working alot. Not as much as I would like, but more at times...I end up wanting to dodge out early on frequent occasions, but stick with it for the money. I've got my apartment reserved in Rexburg, and now I just wait until I get to drive over there. I will have a car, and my parents are putting me on Triple A, which is an immense stress relief (both having the car, and AAA)...

I've been able to cut back on my swearing significantly in the past week...I'm optimistically saying that, maybe wanting it to be the start of my 'oming around.' Me reading my scriptures daily and praying again...my feeling at place at church...me brushing my teeth everyday.

As for now, I'm kind of rambling because my eyes are having a hard time staying shut, but my fingers and brain don't want to quit...so I'll type with eyes closed.

I've been really missing my best mate lately. We've been text messaging back and forth alot tonight, and its' really good to be able to hear from him. I jus thope that there's reciprocity. He's really been one of the only people I feel I can trust.


Anyway...I need to go to bed. My eyelids aren't staying open long enough to proof-read, and soon, i fear, i'll reach incoherence.


Nigh