How do you disappear completely?
I'm a hypocrite. Every morning when I get dressed, and put on garments....a hypocrite. When I take the sacrament every Sunday, a hypocrite. When I dress in white shirt and tie, because my Branch President 'dictated' it to me, I'm a hypocrite. Me carrying around a vial of oil on my keychain makes me a hypocrite. I sit there, Sundays, in meetings, clad in black shirt, lacking a tie, so as to dodge any priesthood responsibilities...my Stake President, sitting on his perch, staring through my soul, and knowing my problems...I can't confide in him anymore. Not now that he knows this deepest darkest of my secrets.
Last time I talked to him, and we had talked about my struggle with homosexuality, he made the comment: "if you ever end up getting married, and end up 'coming out' on your wife, I'll rip your arms and legs off, and beat you with them." Quoted, almost verbatum. I know he means well, and I know he's trying to do what he thinks is right, but his excessive bluntness and forwardness isn't helping in the least.
I 'came out' to a friend of mine who's at BYU today...she's supportive, as I expected (that's why I told her), but, yet again, as is always the case with those who don't struggle, not able to offer a hand of help.
I had my first night of work at my new job, where I'm a manager, last night. I found out my boss is an ex-mormon. Interesting. That explains his having been an Eagle Scout, and possible covers his hiring me. Then there's the 'gay factor.' Not that I'm saying that I think he's gay, but as with all attractive males, who aren't straightey mcstraightpants...I suspect 'maybe he could be gay?' As I'm sure I'll find out, he most likely ISN'T gay, and I'll be able to be free from that temptation for a while...in his direction, anyway.
That whole situation got me thinking...what if the church just ISN'T for me...? I mean, me 'not being involved in church' would be prime target for me to NOT hate myself...not having to live up to the people in the church's standards. I can imagine it right now, me moving off to Colorado, going to the Art Institute of Denver. I'd know maybe 2 people in state. I'm naturally very amicable, so I'd make friends fast...possibly transfer my job to over there...going to school would be good, because it keeps me busy, and doing art is my passion. Who knows? Maybe a few good parties, and a boyfriend (or even girlfriend) later, I find that I'm no longer depressed, no longer feeling like a hypocrite, and in a good, stable situation...cutting it on my own. I know plenty of people who've done it...I could pull it off, couldn't I?
Or maybe I'll take the Disney gig...go back to school long enough to audition, and just stay down in Orlando...and then after that's over do the school thing, but on the east coast instead. All that I know, is that right now I need out of the choke-hold of the church...because I'm blue in the face from lack of oxygen.
I hate having a brain that functions on its own....grrrruh....
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 12:53 AM
6 Comments:
If you are looking to feel whole through the next boyfriend, girlfriend, or "a few good parties" you'll aways be looking. Learn to like yourself for yourself, not like yourself because someone else likes you; it lasts longer.
12 October, 2005 11:29
You know I hate seeing you struggle like this, and I think that whatever you feel would be right you should go for. Its not right to feel so obligated to something that makes you so depressed, and hate yourself. Its whatever makes you happy. Forget what everyone else thinks. It'll take a long time to figure stuff out, i know. But I'll be here for you 110% of the time until you figure it out. Even then, i'll still be there.
12 October, 2005 19:39
Friend, you know there's nothing in the world that I would not do for you. And you also know that one of the best parts about our friendship is the ability to be 100% honest with each other at all times, in all situations.
That being said, I need to say this straight out. Do not blame your problems on the church. Do not blame your depression or your current angst on the church. I know how insanely hard this is for you ... I know that it is harder than anything you've ever had to deal with and I know that there's no reason you should have to go through it. You've tried to be a good person and when we were talking earlier, my heart so badly just wanted to reach out to you ... but it's so hard to do from 6000 miles away.
You know that regardless of your sexuality and regardless of your position in the church (or out), you will be loved and you will be considered a friend. But do not blame who you are or any other part of your life on the church. If you are unhappy, if you are feeling choked, it is by your own doing. If you feel you cannot be yourself without contradicting what you appear to be standing for, that is one thing. But if you feel that it is the church's fault, you are wrong. The church has its standards, they have not and will not change ... if they are not something you can live, then by all means ... get out, my friend. I've told you before that all I want to do is see you happy and I don't care if that means you aren't LDS anymore. But you're at a point where you need to take action ... you need to decide ... and you need to act. It is vital to your wellbeing that you do so.
And friend, I love you. I love you for who you are and I don't care if you're gay, straight, purple, or red. But I agree w/ the stake president ... not so bluntly or straightforwardly, but in essence, I agree with him. If you decide to live the life of a straight man and you choose to get married (especially in the temple) and rear a family ... you better not mess that up. Because that will have been your choice and your doing. And I will expect that you will continue to live that life for the rest of eternity ... because you chose to marry that girl and it would not be right for you to marry someone knowing that you are not fully committed.
That being said, if you chose to live the gay lifestyle ... if you choose to leave the church, to not be married ... I will respect that decision and I will not give you grief about it. But if you choose to marry, and later "come out" because you just couldn't take it anymore, you better believe I will be upset with you. You can choose to live your life however you wish ... and I will love and support you in the greatest capacity I can. But once you bring someone else's life (and potentially children) into the equation, it's a completely different story.
Please keep your chin up and remember that I love you. I know it's hard with me being so far away ... because I know all you want is someone who is THERE ... someone who can be what you need. And I hope you know that if I were still in town, I would hold you all night if you needed.
I promise you that the Lord hears you. Please believe my words ... even if you believe nothing else. I know He hears you.. even though it seems like He doesn't -- He does. And I will never tell you otherwise because I know in my heart, after all the absolute crap that I have had to go through to be where I am ... after the rape, after the abortion ... this is where I am. And after those somewhat hopeless situations, I know that He hears every utterance of His children, even those that are silent. I love you. You know that. And I'll never stop loving you. Just please do what you need to be happy.
*The English girl*
12 October, 2005 21:29
It was wonderful to talk to you the other night, although lame to know that you're struggling. As you think things through, just keep in mind that there's a huge difference between the Church and the Gospel. I love you beyond expression, but listening to all this, I don't think advice is what you need right now, you're just getting mixed messages. Even though I just gave you advice. Wow, speaking of hypocrites...
I apologize. The point is that I love you SO MUCH and I always will. The Lord is mindful of you and so am I, even if the world seems full of self-righteous, pig-headed, closed-minded, "it's-my-sacred-duty-to-save-you-from-hell," false-doctrinated Mormons. Here's one Mormon who's trying hard to not ever be any of those things, and who will love you forever.
12 October, 2005 23:30
What if the Church is wrong?
13 October, 2005 13:56
Stumbled across your page. Can't help but notice that you're a wonderful writer- if only you diversified your topic.
Reinstating that you're having a hard time with the same thing every day only shows that your character has become static. You can only become moving if you choose to do something about your situation. Noted that no matter what in your entries, it always comes down to what people will think of you, what people will do to you, how your reputation will suffer. Stop thinking of yourself. The best therapy that has ever been found is to go out and help someone worse off than you. Perhaps you'll even discover what it is that you want, and you'll make your decision, and you'll stop waffling back and forth hurting those who care about you. Then perhaps you will finally have an up and down flow to your story, because you'll actually be living.
22 October, 2005 21:22
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