A Temple, Empty
So, I finally got back to the temple for the first time since I've been home...to be honest, and as I just said to Jason, I was a bit disappointed, as I didn't really feel the spirit much at all...I tried to gear myself up for it, and either I didn't do enough, or I'm doing something else wrong. "Were you expecting to feel the spirit, or hoping to?" "A bit of both," I replied.
It just doesn't happen for me...the whole 'feel the spirit' thing. Jason and I are talking about it right now, actually. "Sexual sins take time to heal," he says. Definately true...though...if that's the case, and it takes time, after a sexual sin, to feel the spirit again, then my whole life seems to have been riddled with the filth.
Even when I was a little kid, I never really feel like I felt the spirit...after baptism through about age 11, when I started dabbling in masturbation...Granted, I didn't leave myself much of a window for a success margin, but you'd think I'd have at least one memory of some spiritual significance within there? Nope...not in particular.
The times that I do remember having felt the spirit was, say, at EFY, surrounded by other nerdy Mormon kids, letting it loose...granted, that's what my situation's always been...being a huge nerd, and cutting loose...putting up the facade of "I'm the spectacular LDS kid that everbody envies!" Ha...people envy me...right.
I haven't written my missionaries in far too long...I've gotten my MTC guys in the past month, but since I left, and returned, I haven't written so many of my guys from back at school, or friends from around HERE even...add another reason I'm a sub-par person/friend. I don't keep in contact.
The garden state soundtrack is really good.
I'm going to go and try not to think about suicide for the rest of the evening. Jason, sorry I made you swear. I love you, bro, you know that. You've been nothing but an amazing support.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 12:11 AM
5 Comments:
Banana-
I sent you an email that you need to read, to the account at hotmail you used to use on MSN messenger? I will IM you if you're on, too, so that you read it, its important.
I've felt the spirit only a few times, myself... like, three max that I can remember. And its only been in large groups of mormons. Why is that?
16 September, 2005 10:55
I feel weird since mostly Mormons are commenting here....
But I have to say, I feel "the Spirit" fairly often--and I'm not *looking* for it. Not to say I DON"T want it either, but it's just an experience that happens no matter if you want/expect it or not.
It's hard to get over blaming yourself as well. NOT feeling anything has NOTHING to do with sexual sins.....You can't control God.
You can, however, control your feelings and mindset. It's good you wanted to feel something. But you have to let the angst go. Being yourself is VERY hard, and the things you're going through right now are especially hard. Don't let that get you down on a spiritual OR emotional level.
If God made you, and you are having certain feelings or worries and woes.....they are REAL and OK feelings to have. (I didn't say to act on anthing, but you know what I mean). Take time to decipher how each action will effect your life in a year/2 years/10 years, etc...It sometimes makes a difference.
REMEMBER I LOVE YOU OKAYS!?
<3
17 September, 2005 00:28
Also remember that one of the devil's strongest tactics is simply to make you forget. When you are not feeling the spirit as strongly for a period in your life you can forget what it feels like very easily. I don't often feel the spirit in the temple either, and my brother says he can't remember ever feeling the spirit. I don't have all the answers abot this. it's something I've thought a lot about too. I just know that it is important to keep striving for it and even if you can't feel it right away, you will be blessed for your efforts. Love you. LH
18 September, 2005 12:24
It does take a long time for those sins to heal up. Iv'e been there, done that. Im still dealing with it today. It seems like the second you feel like completley giving up on things is where it slowly, very slowly starts to pick up. Just stay strong. Dont let that feeling of hopelessness stop you from moving on, because eventually you'll be able to.
20 September, 2005 20:02
It drives me crazy when all members of the church can do is throw scriptures or "what the Prophet said" at a problem. Sometimes problems and heartaches need real support...not just "go read the book of mormon and you'll feel better". Sorry, that doesn't cut it most of the time for people dealing with real life issues. Those that think it can have obviously no clue.
All I can say to you is do what you feel is right. You are ultimately responsible for your life and it's outcome. If you have a testimony of the gospel then go with it, if not then maybe your life is taking you in another direction.
I can appreciate your plight, although having never experienced this particular problem, really, how much help can I really be but a listening ear?
Good luck, I may just frequent your blgo to see how things are going.
K.
23 September, 2005 09:42
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