Head for the Hills, the Kitchen's on Fire

So...I've been feeling really very crappy lately...and I think, today, I came to the reallization of why. It's because SSRI's (selective seratonin reception inhibitors), the anti-depressants that I'm on, aren't doing their job...or...they're doing their job, but my brain is doing it's darndest to fight them...thust overproducing whatever it has to produce to make me feel miserable. Now, all that's left to do, is make another appointment with my physician, and have him give me something else...something that works better. I think we're supposed to be trying Effexor next? I don't know...all I know is that we're going to be switching to something that's not an SSRI.

It might be a really stupid, foolish move to make, but I put myself up on Yahoo personals, as a "Man seeking a Man." I'll be honest...I've been freaking lonely lately. I still long to be held by someone who's strong, muscular, and comforting. Not that I'm guaranteed to find it, but if I'm looking to get in touch with other gay guys around here, that's an okay place to start, right? I put down on there that "I'm not looking for sex or a 'hook up,' just someone to talk to. I went and sent some messages to some guys in my area, one of which is from my hometown, and isn't drop dead gorgeous, but he's pretty cute...and he had a shirtless pic on his page - I wasn't unimpressed...seems strong to me.

I feel as if this is the scenario right now - If I stay with trying to find a girl who'll make me happy, it's not going to happen. What'd I do to have that normalcy taken from me? If I try to 'stick it out,' being a homosexual trying to be a hetero, I feel like I'm only going to be left wanting. I don't know if this is me 'setting out to date a gay guy,' but I'm at least taking some kind of steps. If this is going to keep me from killing myself (which has been an ever-increasing topic on my mind as of late, what with the drugs not doing their job), then why not do it? Or am I meant to kill myself, remain unhappy, and left wanting? I'm not saying this will make me 'unhappy,' I'm just seeing it as a possible way for happiness to come easier.

I still haven't 'come out,' and don't know if I ever will...that's just too monumentous of a statement for me. If I say to the world, and to everyone I meet 'Hi I'm (enter name here), and I'm gay!' I don't feel like I'd ever be able to take that back...If I ever wanted to reach, again, for that heterosexual lifestyle, with a wife, and kids, I'd have some serious explaining to do...to myself above anyone else.

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I've been listening to a band called the "Appleseed Cast" alot lately. A friend of mine turned me onto them about 2 years ago, and I picked their CD up again last week, and haven't been able to put it down since. I went and downloaded all their other albums (I know, I know, I'm a horrible, shameless music pirate), and I absolutely love them. I find that when I'm listening to them in the car, I can't help but just sit and think, driving either right at the speed limit (as opposed to the usual 5-10 over), or even 5 under...just meandering, and thinking.

Some friends and I hung out last night. They came and picked me up at about 11:30pm, and we drove around and found ourselves in Portland, looking for an IHOP...we went to Macdonalds instead, and then drove back. That is where the good stuff is...driving to Portland, an hour away, only to go to Macdonalds, and then drive back, talking all the way. Lovely.

Currently Listening to ~ "Bones" by Radiohead