Taking Chances

So my decision is made. I'm going after this boy. I'm not going to do anything sexual, that's my boundry...just like dating in high school, right? If I had the inhibitions enough to stop myself from doing anything in high school (then again, it was with girls, so go figure), then I can hope that I have enough scrouples to stop myself from getting dirty with this kid...and that's if he's interested. And if not, then this endevor with him just wasn't meant to be. I think I can handle that.

This isn't to say that I'm "out of the closet," and that anyone else can refer to me as being "gay." It's kind of humorous...I've decided that I can call myself "gay," and other people that I trust can call me "gay," but nobody else...sorry "normal straight people," you don't get that luxury.

So, I've officially ben accepted by Liz and Jen as the "trophy gay best friend," and I absolutely have to say that I love that title...they've also partially approved of my 'possible boyfriend,' which, in my book, is nigh unto complete acceptance. I'm just...I'm glad to see that I'm finding acceptance from some people, church members especially, where I've only been expecting rejection. I just hope my family can still say "I love you," even though I've completed the set of '1/2 of the kids in the family are gay.'

So, throughout all my being destructively introspective, I've found that when I've contemplated just trying to suck it up, taking the hard road, and trying to live up to other people in the church's standards, masking the hetero thing to myself as well as them, then I'm going to be miserable...I'll end up wanting to kill myself...and that's what will happen...I'd end up doing it. Though, when I contemplate this...this release. This honesty with myself, I don't have any desire for personal destruction. I'm not saying that I find joy in being gay....and frankly, I don't know how God could place his children here with such a thing as same gender attraction, to make us miserable constantly, but at least this gives me some kind of relief.

But maybe it's not what I'm supposed to do? I think I can handle that. Right now I'm just planning on getting my feet wet...test the waters. If I really don't like it, then I'm going to try to go back to girls. I suppose I've just been so self-restrictive for so long, that I owe some honesty to myself. Yes, we're supposed to bridle our passions, but I'd prefer to stay alive, thanks...and I don't plan on doing anything sexual, nothing to get me into a disciplinary counsel...that sounds kind of like "I'm just going to walk the edge, not jump over," but it makes sense to me...anyway

I need to go to portland.

Oh yeah...I quit my job, because my boss made me bawl...I can't take being treated like shite...especially not in my current emotional situation...and they just switched me to effexor instead of lexipro, now too.