The Pyramid

This is how I feel right now.

In an obscure world (an odd setting such as the pyramids), I have nothing to do but throw my head back, screaming and yelling, while walking through the hot desert of my trials.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I'm trying. I'll continue to try for as long as my legs will hold out...they're just shaky, and nobody can brace me up.

I met with my Stake President tonight, who encouraged me to go to the temple as soon as possible, tomorrow even if I could swing it...I don't think tomorrow or the day after will be able to happen, but I'm going to go as soon as possible. I might not think I'm ready to go back, but obviously the spirit does...so, heck, I'm going to try....I just need to stop swearing.


I hate having to try to sort out my life in my head. My Life is a Catch 22:
I either give into my homosexual urges, and start dating a guy, have sex, and give into the 'sins of the flesh,' and possibly find "happiness," however short-lived it is

OR

I contintue to try to live a heterosexual lifestyle...I strive for perfection, continuing to grind myself into the ground...I feel like where I'm at is somehow wrong...my body is telling me "NO," but my spirit is whispering ever-so-softly "..,y-ye...yes....?...." all the while, having to walk on eggshells, swimming a vinegar sea, with whip-mark on my back, as people throw "that's so gay," and "you faggot," around, as joking remarks, all the while grinding my heart to fine-powdered sand.

For those of you reading this, I hope that I NEVER hear you say the word "faggot," again my lifetime, if you've ever used that term in the first place. A friend, the other day, who knows about my issues, made the comment of "that's so gay," and later apologised. Her roomate asked why she was apologising (she did it in a manner that I'd understand, but nobody else would), and she said "because I accidentally called (insert my real name here) a BIIIIG jackass. Jenny, if you're reading this, honey, thanks alot...that made my day that you apologised, and we both knew exactly what it was about.

Really, I just needed a reason to vent. My meds are, like, officially not working, I think, and I think they need to put me on something more serious. Physicians usually know what it takes for MINOR depression issues, but I might have to go to a psychologyst, to get some more hardcore drugs...yeesh.