Need a Catharsis

Nobody knows what's going on. Friends are clueless...well....not entirely clueless...I just hate to carry on. I know it sounds oh so grim, and oh so 'look at me,' but I really am tired of putting up with my life at present. As I drove home tonight, the reallization of just how easily I could careen into another car flooded my mind...but then, thinking of the mechanics of the situation, that would lead me into causing the other driver's death as well...my death won't be something to directly, physically affect anyone else...so as tempting as the possibly instant end-all scenario of driving into another car is, that one's a no go. Then there was the thought of just careening off the side of the road...but then i reallized I'd most likely just end up with a bad case of whiplash, and no car....there isn't anything tall enough, here, to drop off of...none of that.
I suppose that me walking in front of the freeway and getting squashed to jam would be an alternative, but then the 'injuring other people' factor comes back in...so no. The want to cut my wrists, as overused and over-romanticized in the teen counter-culture has been an idea....but then there's just that...a head-on collision with the teen counter-culture...gag me with a spoon....that collision, and the fact that I'd be doing it more as a means to punish myself for being a horrible person, AND my lack of a pain tolerance (and lack of a place that would be easiliy hideable) are, at present, preventing me from doing so....still, were anything of a like manner to happen, that's most likely what I would do....I've got a razor blade in my room...used for craft ideas etc...I've been keeping myself from it...I'm trying to continue to.

I tried getting ahold of another friend...he couldn't be bothered...he still has my trust...not that my other friend has lost it, but just battered it around a little bit, as I accept how he copes with 'effectionate displays.' Anyway...he won't be home till 4 am...and I have to work at 7 am...I need someone to talk to...I need someone to need me. It's always a matter of me being the one in need...I'm never important to anyone...sure they'll say it...sure they'll try and mean it, but who REALLY depends on me? Whose happiness is greatly marginal on my own? Nobody's, that's who. Not my roomate, not my family, not my friends, not my 'acquantences.' Nobody...and I get pushed away if I try to need anyone else...a perfect compliment.

I really don't think I have the guts to do it...to do any of it...if I do, I'll be surprised...

I just wish there was someone to have me...someone for me to rely on...to be good enough for someone else...