My life: in twain

My "Father." The man responsible for my birth...we haven't talked in over a day...and as much as part of me wants to be able to put this behind me, the other knows that I'd only be making more excuses for you. You've emotionally mutilated me for ages...robbing me of identifying with you...keeping your support for my endeavors scarce. That's why I'm this wreck. Due to my constant need and lack of approval from you, I've become a machine hellbent on doing whatever it takes to impress people...because I had to hellbend myself to impress YOU. It's all I've known.

Emotional abuse.

Today I am a walking anxiety attack. Working 10+ hours a day, everday for the past 4 days has been more taxing than I can put into words. Atop that, I ran out of medication last night, so staying alive was a fight this morning...how I wished that I could just disappear...not that I so much wanted to kill myself, as just feel something other than exquisite agony. I went to sleep at 4...woke up at 9...and work was busier than I've seen it before. Constant prodding...children screaming...rush rush rush rush. I'm almost relieved that they're cutting my hours back as much as they are...definately NOT relieved that I'll be getting a miniscule paycheck for this next month...but I suppose I'll have to deal with it. More on job #1 later.

My father and I got into an argument the night before last...I had just come home from working for 9 hours at job #2, was dog tired, sick of disgruntled customers, wanting their videogame systems that had yet to be released, and was already emotionally bent out of shape. My sister had, the night before, acquired a vintage peacoat that had belonged to my father (from my brother), and given it to me, knowing how much I'd LOVE something like that. First think that happens when I walk in the door, "hey, why are you wearing my peacoat?" I had explained that he had given it to my brother, and my sister had gotten it from him for me. "I only let him BORROW it," he growled...he forgot to mention that he had let my brother borrow it a meager 5 years prior. Submissive as I have been in these past months, I decided to put up no contest, and relinquish posession of such a short-lived joy. Oh well...so I'll be coatless in Rexburg. As I began to climb the 13 steps to my bedroom, he beckoned for me again. "Come down here!" "What?!" I asked, getting exaspirated. Surely, if there was something he could ask me on the ground floor of his house, he could ask it whilst I stood on the stairs. But no.

I marched down the stairs, and said in slightly elevated tone "what?!"
"That's the second time you've raised your voice to me tonight, and I will NOT tolerate it any more! I'm sick of it!" He went on to mumble something about me needing to pay for part of my portion of the cell phone bill...something miniscule...something inconsequential that he could have written to me in a note, or discussed over a meal, and had it not have any such reprocussions...but I had come to my breaking point...I refuse any further emotional manipulation.

I left the house that night...and when I left, this was no longer my home. It's not mine anymore. There is a room that I live in, and there are my things in it...but it's not my room. There is the car that I drive, and I use almost exclusively, but its not my car...they all belong to him, and if he's belligerant enough to use those against me, so be it. I'll let go of the rope in this game of tug-of-war...He can fall on his ass, I don't care if I lose the game...it'll be worth it to see him unsupported by my back-breaking efforts.

Now I am without a place to call my own...I keep wasting money on a computer that'll never be finished (actually, come weds, it should be), but have only $250 in my bank account...$60 needs to go for tithing, $100 for my housing application, and I need money to get back TO Rexburg, not to mention food, and whatever else...I've only got maybe 3 more paychecks coming...I'm fucked.

Job #1 is cutting my hours...I work 2 days out of the whole month, and it seems that one of the owners just DISLIKES me...blatantly and outright...as such, I find myself overachieving to try to compensate...and I'm killing myself by doing it.

The thought of damaging myself so as to punish myself for being the horrible person I am is more and more strong with each passing morning. No, I haven't cut my wrists, burned myself or done any other act of self inflicted injury...but I don't know how far off I am.

I am an 'abomination against God,' as the for the strength of youth pamphlet stated about homosexuality....
I should be punished
I am NOT budgeting well, but giving into personal rewards that I really haven't earned (at least I don't feel like I've earned the right to hedonize in this non-carnal manner)
I should be punished
I'm a freeloader...relying on my parents at the age of 20...I should be self-sufficient
I should be punished
I masturbate
I should be punished
I have impure thoughts that run through my head, and can't/don't stop them
I should be punished
I don't read my scriptures/pray...nobody answers...
I should be punished