Nightmares and Nobody to Talk to

I ran out of medicaiton last night...there really was nothing I could do. I still need to set up an appointment with my physician to get my Rx filled, finally, but just a word to whomever reads this: If it sounds overly morose, depressed, or all together a desparate cry for help, just know that my medication wore off as I was sleeping last night, and I have yet to go and get some more from my Mom's office.

Nightmares and migranes...that's what I get for not taking my medication...what I get for letting myself run out, even for a day. How can things be this bad? I just found out that a friend got in a car accident, almost died. I just went and answered the phone, and then layed down on the bed with my kitty, and tried to pet him, and he walked away. That might seem like insignificant drivvel, but that just broke my heart. I don't want to say that that's what ruined my day, but that's the point when I reallized that today is just failed...already. I've only been up 15 minutes, and it already is enough to make me want to fling myself over a cliff. [know that I have no INTENTIONS of doing so, just the want, and that's due to the lack of medication]

How is it fair that Satan can use something MEDICAL, like depression against us? Its completely not fair...as of right now I am doing NOTHING to contrary to the teachings of the Gospel. I've been trying to read my scriptures, trying to cut back on my swearing, working my butt off, have plans to pay my tithing today, haven't masturbated in about a week [trying to stop, yet again...though I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't tempted], caught myself before looking at porn...I'm typically doing a good job...and yet, still, when I'm not on some blasted medication, my psychie is still ravaged by a depression, the root of which I'm not even certain as to the source.

I say I'm not certain as to the source, because, while still attracted to men, lately I've been trying to just put it out of my mind. I've got plans to move forward with my life, and I feel good about them, and following the path of homosexuality is NOT included in them. I've even been toying with the idea of dating girls...I want to date girls again [though, ever girl I have the almost-guts to talk to about dating, I then find out, is taken]...I should be doing good, right? According to my reasoning, yes...but here I am, unmedicated, and still miserable.

I have to work tonight, and I feel like I'm getting sick...that's what I get for working 50+ hours a week...but the money is soo good...not good enough, but making money is good...and when I'm working, I rarely if ever think of my SSA problems. Me working my butt off is a good thing.


I'd better go drive up to get that medication from my mom before this migrane turns worse, and before I turn full-fledged suicidal...I'm going to continue to try to look on the positive...I'm going to try to read my scriptures...I'm going to try to pray...I'm going to try to be a good boy. I'm going to try to gain the approval of the male figures in my life, when I know/feel that I never will...maybe that's why I have a hard time trusting God? Because I don't trust my own father, and thus, how could any kind of Father be trustworthy? My Heavenly Father is supposed to be a glorified model of what MY father is, right? To the maximum extent...still not a comforting idea...I still have a hard time trusting. I suppose I'll tell him that.