I've been Tryin' to Nod my Head, but it's like I've Got a Broken Neck

Some of you may know about this movie, others may not...but regardless here's what's been on my mind lately. Brokeback Mountain. The "Gay Cowboy" movie...and I really want to see it. Not entirely because there's a gay sex scene in it...not entirely because both the lead actors are both people I consider extremely attractive, but because the director is amazing, the actors are amazing, the story looks so tragically romantically depressing, and I feel like I can relate...and for those reasons, I feel like crap...eh, I just feel like gravity has taken a hate to me as of late as a general...I feel so heavy.

I feel like my friends have made themselves scarce...I understand, what with people getting sick due to the season, and people having their own issues to deal with, people are going to be a bit distant...a little bit out of reach....but....all of my friends are like that. Be it a grumpy-when-around-you disposition (which could completely just be due to "I feel like my brain is full of snot" sickness), or the lack of contact that others have had with me over the past recent while, I feel like I've depreciated in value as a friend. Kind of like the item you sold to the pawn shop, but end up seeing everytime you come in to buy other items...steadily decreasing in value, yet never picked up and purchased...and that was quite possibly the worst metaphore ever.

I finally get to go see my therapist again tomorrow...God bless that man. He gets me talking, and he gets me reallizing things that need to be reallized...even if, as he's said, I might end up forgetting something 15 minutes after a session, it gets me thinking, and that's what matters.

I want to be loved by someone...I really don't know who, but I want someone to need me. I've never been needed and needed that person in return.

I feel like an ungreatful slob sometimes...

I am finally getting back to Rexburg this next wednesday. Halleluja...hopefully I'll make more friends...hopefully I'll get a job. Hopefully I'll be motivated enough to read my scriptures daily, stop masturbating to gay porn, and get my life in check.

Speaking of such, I haven't had any 'encounters' for the past while...none this week, so far. None since Christmas. Yay me........(riiight....yay me.....hah.)

I've been wanting so badly to act out today and part of yesterday that I'm surprised I haven't done anything in that direction. It's fully come to my attention that when I'm either more depressed than usual, or emotionally hurt/angry at someone (most often my dad) is when I end up acting out, and porn-bingeing....no good. I don't know if it's me telling myself that "it'll feel good, so you'll feel better." I don't know if it's me using the endorphines released from masturbation...I really don't know. All I know is that I feel guilty after it...It used to be shame...me wanting to fling myself from the window after messing up...and it's not to say that I don't feel bad after messing up with porn or masturbation, but now it's more GUILT....not shame.

GUILT - "Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong."
SHAME - "1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
2. Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?
3. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy; a great disappointment. "

So...yeah.


I'm gonna go try to feel some acceptance and hope the friends I hang out with will give it to me.

Until next time....which will hopefully be sooner than later.