What to do when your father's a prick...

How Ironic that the two pictures I was torn between using were these:


and



So...Today, work was exhausting...and now that my throat is starting to hurt (sore throat), I'm beginning to reallize why...I'm getting sick, and that just adds a bucketload of stress I don't need....I'm gonna try to not let it get me down, and not let it make me more worn down. But yes...exhausted by the end of the workday...it could also be attributed to the lack of time spent off my feet, and rushing around like mad, and dealing with quazi-disgrunteled customers...I just say I'll not worry about it...but the face of the little kid I had to tell "no, you can't get a refund" burns a hole in me...makes me feel like a punk.

So my boss hates me now, I think...I've been speculating, since I met him, that he's gay, but just doesn't want to tell anyone (I don't blame him...admitting it, especially when you're an ex-mormon, isn't an easy thing, I'm sure!)...anyway. The other day I was an inch away from asking him..."I want to ask a question, but I'm not sure if it'd get me in trouble or not...like the whole "not supposed to ask others about their religion at work" thing...I think he caught on, so he said "then it's probably better left unasked. He just WREAKS "SSA." Anyway, really it's none of my business, so I'll not worry about it.

The other night, apparantly, I forgot to fill something out in the 'nightly closeout' book...twice in a row, I guess...so now he wants to wright me up for it...and me being the paranoid doofus I am, I think it's because he's reallized that I think he's gay....gosh, I need to update, so I can rething my mental processes more often...it DOES seem kind of illogical...and I'm the only person who'd have come up with that train of thought...Anyway...yeah. Work minidrama continues...and I'll be free of it in 2 weeks...at least from THIS retail store.

Upon coming home I took my little brother out, and we got stuff to work on a T-Shirt he wanted made for christmas. I actually feel kind of bad....it didn't turn out ANYTHING like he wanted it to...but I'm making him stick with it. I had just sit down to start cutting out the pattern, turned on some movie on the TV, and dad walks in and changes the channel and puts in a DVD. I was OBVIOUSLY watching something! So, exaspiratedly, I get up from the couch, and walk into the den to finish the pattern...so he shouts over the TV and gripes at me. "I don't want you cutting/gluing that on the carpet! You'll screw up and get rubber cement on the carpet...No, I'm not doubting your artistic skills, but what if?
Thanks dad...REAL confidence...you sound SO truthful!
So, I grab what I was working on, and vault myself up the stairs..."are you angry or something?" I wanted to throw the exacto knife I as using at him...."You shouldn't have to ask that question," I blurted, and continued up the stairs...

I expressed my feelings to mom, since I certainly can't do it to dad, and haven't talked to him since. I'm waiting for him to apologize...let's see how long it takes before I go before breaking down and trying to get him to talk to ME. It's completely pathetic, I MUST say..."I honestly don't see how you're married to him, Mom," I told her...she's the sweetest person I know, and he's completely wretched..."When you're married, you tend to learn how to look at the positives, rather than the negatives," she said....I suppose that's a virtue I'll have to wait for marriage to learn.

I haven't, since last post, been doing the best with pornography and masturbation....BUT, the past 2 days I've been SO much better. I kept on finding myself in pitfalls...I'd run into something that would trigger me, and boom....porn binge....But a friend of mine, also an SSA guy, and I are daring eachother not to do that stupid junk, day by day. So far, we've both been doing pretty good. Just challenged eachother to go tomorrow without either as well. This could be the start of a good good pattern.

I was looking around on the BYUI website, trying to figure out how to add night classes today, and while on the website, looking at religion courses, etc, things just felt right. I've had knots in my stomach while contemplating going back to school, but I really don't think I need to worry...things are going to fall back into place...I'm going to be going to where I need to be...I think Heavenly Father wants me there right now...I'm gonna try to put myself in his hands again.....I'm gonna try to trust...I'm gonna try to start reading my scriptures and praying again....and I think I'm gonna try to start now.

And now that it's 1am, and I have to be up in 6 hours, I'm going to leave the glow of my computer screen, which I've been staring at for hours tonight, playing games (hehe!), and read my scriptures, pray, and sleep....and much tea, and much vitamin C...and try to not stay up this late tomorrow night!

I'm leaving this entry feeling hopeful at the thought of Idaho...trying to ignore the marr on my day laid by my father.