Loss of Guilt? No...forgiveness....?
So, in my current position, I should be dragging my knuckles due to utter disappointment in myself...last night I burned out, and gave into temptation horribly...ended up staying up 'till about 4:30 am, just staring at filth...and it was a horrible thing. I wish that I could say that my stomach turns at the thought of the things I saw, but I'm trying not to reflect on them...needless to say I "screwed up."
But this morning, I'm not sure if it's me feeling like last night was a dream, or if it's some kind of change in me, but I'm not wanting to kill myself. I recognise what I did was wrong...I want to avoid it in the future...but I'm not left with a want for my destruction. Perhaps I've been granted some kind of light into how Christ feels...he's forgiven me, and so I've got to just let things that are done go, and try to move on...try to forgive myself, and move on with life.
A part of me feels completely guilty, not for looking at porn and masturbating (though I do feel guilty for that), but for the LACK of extreme guilt that I would have experienced, were this situation to have faced me a month ago. People have been telling me that I've been taking it out too hard on myself...I kind of agree with them, but for the mostpart I felt like I NEEDED to take it out hard on myself. But today, I just feel like I need to try to take things one day at a time, and not kill myself for things that I can't change because they were in the past. That's an extremely foreign feeling for me, but today, I'm going to accept it. I've been given this as a gift, or something. I'm hoping that it's just something that's come from light, and not lies.
I'm trying to analyze the situation carefully...I can see how it would be a divine thing, but also can see the possible taint of shadow within it. Were I to take this feeling to excess, then I'd spiral down into a debaucherous pit, the likes of which I doubt I'd be able to pull myself from. Am I to take it facing the light, which I plan to do, then it might be the window for me to enter back into my own good graces. I'm going to take it as the second, and try to put on the blinders of hopeless optimism...especially after having cynicism garner my peripheral vision for so long.
I'm going to give it a shot.
I'll write again, probably tomorrow, and report on my progress.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 2:53 PM
8 Comments:
I'm really glad to know that you're doing better. It brings joy to my heart to know that you're not so hard on yourself. You're only human.
eye hearteth
14 December, 2005 19:04
This is a very good thing. I'm glad that thoughts of hurting or killing yourself are not present because you messed up. I think it i an important step for you.
S
14 December, 2005 21:28
I'm happy for you chief,
some comments:
1. I think I could support this doctrinally but I'm not going to try--thinking about killing yourself is probably a worse sin than thinking about making gay love since murder is the sin worse than breaking the law of chastity. You slipped a little on the lesser sin but you're making strides on the larger. That's good.
2. "Were I to take this feeling to excess, then I'd spiral down into a debaucherous pit." Were you to take religiousity or healthy eating or anything to excess it would be bad. So don't take it to excess, but doesn't necessarily mean its inherently wrong.
3. "Perhaps I've been granted some kind of light into how Christ feels...he's forgiven me, and so I've got to just let things that are done go, and try to move on...try to forgive myself." Yes! Just remember that that forgiveness came with a price. Don't play with it flippantly, but don't refuse it either.
To me, its like my parent's money--they have enough to share with me and are more than willing to help out, but I just know not to abuse it.
4. "A part of me feels completely guilty, not for looking at porn and masturbating (though I do feel guilty for that), but for the LACK of extreme guilt." Guilt isn't godly--sorrow is. Satan tries to confuse us on this one.
5."I recognise what I did was wrong..." You spell recognize like a Brit... Cool.
14 December, 2005 22:13
If you've done something wrong, God wants a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Its ok to feel bad for something you've done wrong. Its ok to beat yourself up a little bit. Just as long as you bounce back and fix the problem. I try to convince myself of all that, but its hard. Its hard for everyone. Everyone makes mistakes, its just how you deal with it that makes you different.
15 December, 2005 10:22
I stumbled across your site a while ago and have been reading every so often. It's good to see that you are not wanting to injure yourself anymore, that's taking a leap in the right direction.
As for masturbation/pornography. Here's a simply fix to your problem. If you're looking at porn on your computer, put it where you'll never have a chance to be alone and look at the stuff. It sounds like you have a lot of privacy with your computer to have been able to stay up until 4:30am ... move your computer from wherever it is. Be active in resisting temptation. "Flee from temptation" is what the scriptures say. The prophets have counseled us to get out of dangerous positions before we're in them, that way the temptation is less likely to be placed before us.
Just a thought.
Keep working at it ... day by day. You'll be alright.
16 December, 2005 10:55
Hey for the most part we are in similar positions. LDS, SSA, porn, mb, etc etc.
I'm about to complete my 16th week of no mb. Like the previous post, if you give yourself no privacy, it just won't happen, period. For example I have a big window in my room. The blinds are now open 24/7. So the outside world can alway look in, if they want to. I don't mind, and no one ever looks anyway. If you keep your door slightly open, that will also deter you. Or just move your computer to some place public.
And like my Bishop says "if you firt with temptation, you will eventually fall"
Good luck. I know you can do well. And if you fail, just get up and try again :P
{p}
17 December, 2005 03:23
I think you are doing incredibly well in a very difficult situation. I'm a happy gay Mormon but I imagine if you knew me you'd think I was evil or something, but I wanted you to think about a question I asked myself at one point in my life.
Do you feel guilty about doing certain things because someone told you they are bad and that you should feel guilty, or do you feel guilty because they really are bad things?
Take care of yourself, and please run from anything or anyone that elicits suicidal feelings within you.
19 December, 2005 01:12
God loves you and understands your struggle. Just keep on keeping on. Don't let setbacks throw you off course... just get up and try again.
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."
14 January, 2006 11:04
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