Playing on my Insecurities

Sorry it's been forever since I've written. I need to reallize that this is one of the only ways some of you have to know how I'm doing, and my lack of posting could mean my dropping off the face of the earth...so I live! I've just been busy being insecure, and getting 2 jobs, etc.

First thing first...my dream last night. I blame this partially on me forgetting to take my meds...so my insecurities were played upon by my unconscious. I was back at my homeward, in my dream, and I was asked to play my song that I've been working on (which is wierd that I accepted, because it is completely un-churchy, and completely unfishinsed and unpolished). Anyway, for some reason I agreed, and was rocking it up on the piano and guitar (which is odd, because I don't play piano). I got past the first few lines of the first verse, and the adolescents in the audience started singing...could have been cool, other than the fact that it WASN'T MY SONG THAT THEY WERE SINGING. Apparantly my song sounded akin to somecrap that had been on the radio, and all the kids had been gobbling it up like turkey with cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving. Thank you obesity. This act completely screwed me up...I FORGOT my song. I couldn't sing it anymore...it was gone. This alone was enough to make me pretty much want to die. That song is like my soul, screaming aloud. It's one of my ways to communicate my emotions and true feelings, about SSA, about insecurities, etc, without people looking at me funny.

So I forgot my song. I ran out...I was depressed in my dream already. I had, apparantly, brought my best friend (and roomate), the one who I had been feeling insecure (for no valid reason) about him taking off on me...well...I wanted to leave, and go home. But he refused to go with me (catching where this is going?), and before I know it, he had disappeared. I went out to my car, and just felt like crap for a little while...best-friend-less, and aloneish. I had my guitar with me. I tried starting my car, but no dice. So I had to ride home with my mom in the van, but we couldn't fit my guitar.

Once we got back to my parents' house, I wanted to go and pick up my guitar, because I pretty much can't live without that thing, and NOBODY WOULD TAKE ME. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that was HORRIBLE. My guitar is like an extension of myself. Nobody would. Depressed. Next day I asked my sister to take me. She refused. She was more concerned with seeing me do a wall-flip, and going to work. Some of her friends told me that if I payed for their groceries, theyw ould take me. At this point, I really didn't care, I just needed my baby back, so they took me driving all around town, everywhere else except for near the church, my car, and my beloved guitar. Roomate was still nowhere in sight...I assume he had gone back home home. Here to Rexburg.

Pretty much my dream was my brain torturing me, and playing on my insecurities, thus making my internal conflict worse...I reallize that not only do I hate myself in my conscious, but my SUBCONSCIOUS hates me too. Oohdelally, what a day. I reallize that it was just a dream, but for me, dreams are my escape. Sleep is what I use to escape the real world when things get too rough...and once again, I can't escape there for fear of being tormented.

I got that job at the movie theater. I'm the projectionist. Cool. Part of my dream last night involved getting fired from this job, and having to go by my OLD place of employment, where I quit because my psycho feminazzi boss screamed at me, and made me feel like refuse. Anyway, I really have no clue what hours I work this week, and I have to call in at 1pm to find out my hours.

I just took my medication, but it won't catch up with me until later today if at all...merf.

This past week, my insecurites have been getting the best of me. I'm terrified that roomate is going to bolt on me, when that's completely NOT in his character. I'm afraid he's going to move away, and never keep in contact. He might just do that moving away thing. They say that the friends you have in college are the friends you keep for the rest of your life...dear God, I hope I don't get sacked by this kid. I love him too much.

Shared-Major-Boy and I FINALLY hung out last night, and he was over from about 9pm to 3:30am. Not that I'm really that interesting, but we had a good goood time. He's completely NOT gay at all, and that's SO good. He makes me feel completely more heterosexual when I hang out with him, and that's good...all his "that's so gay," comments aside. Hanging out with him makes me completely crush on him so much less, and that's a GOOD thing in my opinion. We're supposed to hang out lots lots lots before he takes off for his mission in 28 days. Too bad when I make a friend that I have THIS much in common with, he's gotta take off in less than a month. Oh well.

I JUST woke up, and I need food, as I was starving when I went to bed last night.