My Mouth is Dry....
I've reallized how degrading pornography was in the past...and I've just come to reallize it yet again. 3:11am...I just threw these past 3-ish weeks down the drain. I know, you might be saying "no, you didn't throw them down the drain," but that's how it feels...I just indulged in a pornbath, and then the big nasty "M." Blargle...Masturbation...there, I said it...one of the most disgusting words in my vocabulary...in conversation, I try to specifically use the M word bcause it disgusts me so much....not that I try to bring it up in conversation frequently.
So...I don't feel the entirety of my guilt just yet...I know come tomorrow morning, I'll want to lay myself under one of my roomate's cars, and hope they back over me, while suffering in the bitter cold...I can't stand myself at present, but I know that this is just the first course in an 8-course meal of guilt and shame to come tomorrow morning...now I just feel more angry at myself than depressed....that'll come tomorrow.
I don't want to face any mormons tomorrow...not my roomates, not anyone in my ward...I'll just rot in my bed...they'll all see through my lies...see that I feel just about as bad as a child-molestor must feel...or SHOULD feel...and It's odd somehow...somehow, non-mormons aren't so hard to handle...when I know there are many many non-LDS people out there far more chaste and moral than me, and most mormons I know...but somehow it's just easier to face THEM instead...too bad I'm in Ice-Berg Idaho. I guess mormons, to me, just seem so...higher-up. Even with their problems...even if someone has been disfellowshipped, I could still think FAR more of them than I could EVER think of myself...don't ask why, I dont know.
I'm demorallized to think that that was someone's SON that I was watching...oggling someone else's bits for my own enjoyment, when I reallize that he calls someone "father" and worse yet, someone "mother."
Here's the way my mind works (and pardon all the bouncing around...I'm just typing as I think). I'm obviously not being punished enough for being a gay, masurbator, porn-looker-atter, because I haven't been struck by lightning...I haven't been hit by a bus, or had my limbs removed or something...God hasn't really punished me for it all...and so, I feel that the need to somehow find a worse way to punish myself is requisite...that's one reason, I'm sure, for my depression...but honestly....right now? Life needs to pull a Donnie Darko, and crash a plane engine into my house, and take me out, because I feel like that much rubbish.
I can't wrap my head around the prospect of being emotionally satisfied by just ONE person...not a girl at least...I can't relate to girls (how ironic, when I'm unhealthily femmie at times?). I also can't stand clingy people...I, myself, happen to be one...and I hate myself for it. Having a guy depend on me as much as I would them? Sweet action...a girl? Eeg, you're clingy!
Mneh....I'll post more, as I'm wollowing in my defeat tomorrow....be certain, it'll happen...2 of my 4 best friends don't read this...and one of which I live with...So I think I'll be fine continuing to lie...and pretend like nothing happened...that, or I'll just have another anxiety attack, and we'll go from there....
My mouth is dry....
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 3:11 AM
17 Comments:
Brain stew?
Well I can't add anything cause you pretty much said it all but just want you to know that I'm listening (or reading or whatever) but willing to listen whenever.
Here's to hoping today isn't as bad as you expected.
01 February, 2006 13:17
I sort of stumbled upon your blog this morning through a series of links (other mormon blogs). I read today's post and was hooked - I actually went back and read all of your posts. So many of the feelings you expressed were familiar to me, and others were completely foreign, but I appreciated the insight into someone else's life and soul. In particular, I relate to your experiences with depression. I don't know why I'm rambling on about this...I guess I just wanted to say thanks for putting your feelings out there.
01 February, 2006 15:15
I could still think FAR more of them than I could EVER think of myself
That's Satan whispering in your ear. Dallin H. Oaks once said that we should feel Godly Sorrow which motivates to repentance (see the link below). Emotional self abuse is not Godly, and will keep you in the rut you want to break out of. Elder Oaks talks a lot about suffering for sin, but he finishes with "a message of hope that is true for all" which includes those who stumble as they work to repent and change. (http://speeches.byu.edu/freefiles/provider1/type1/Oaks_Dallin_08_1990.pdf) He also gives a great analogy about "A person who sins is like a tree that bends easily in the wind." It doesn't just need to be cleansed, it needs to be strengthened.
I remember times when I felt as you did when you wrote this post. There was a time when 3 weeks was a good thing, even if it was followed by a fall. It was progress. Look at it that way, and determine to go even longer this time. Always focus on moving forward.
I hope something I have said here is helpful. I feel for you, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
02 February, 2006 01:21
Not to make light of the situation, but unless guilt is helping you to change for the better, it's really not worth anything. Guilt that makes you loathe yourself but doesn't actually cause you to fix the problem: garbage emotion.
Sometimes masturbation happens. Sometimes porn happens. Sure, it's not good, but there are a lot of things that aren't good. To obsess over these things is to become more caught up in the trap of sin-guilt-self_hate-sin-guilt-self_hate-sin etc. Our thoughts are better focused on what we are doing right - which will do a lot to reduce our desire and opportunities to make mistakes. That you have all this free time and are doing as remarkably well as you are is amazing. More structure could go a long ways to helping you feel a greater sense of worth.
Be patient with yourself. And in your thoughts, be self-productive not self-destructive.
02 February, 2006 09:47
One of the reasons we don't face full, immediate punishment for our sins is the fact that we have a chance to repent and change. It's good to feel Godly sorrow, and let that feeling motivate you towards repentance. But don't decide to punish yourself any more than that! If God can forgive you, then make sure you forgive yourself
02 February, 2006 17:25
Hey!! Read the last part of my last post... that's what I think when "bad" things happen to us... I know is not the best moment to say "U'll be ok, and Sh**T like that" but I hope u could understand it and apply it to urself...
I've been were u are now.. Once I felt so bad about porn that I went to the Honor Code Office and report myself... Anyway! I'm hoping that you can get more possitive thoughts about urself... Keep having faith and love for God, people and yourself!
Cranguy! :)
03 February, 2006 14:34
How do you handle your problem with the Mormon church? Are they jugmental or loving? Can you be open and honest with them? Has this at all affected your view of this religion?
03 February, 2006 19:42
stop beating yourself up. Materbation is natural and normal.
06 February, 2006 09:42
Wow
Just Wow.
I certainly remember being in your mindset when I was getting ready to go on my mission to the Spain , Madrid mission. Masturbation was my problem ON TOP OF being Gay. Yeah, I hear ya brother. Boy do I. It's been awhile since I've put myself through the wringer of hating myself, loathed my actions that seems to be 'so natural' yet killed me inside. I *was* one of those LDS men that you seemingly look up to.
If I could make it all better for you I would, but that is up to you. I could tell you that masterbation is not evil. You won't believe me of course, but it is true.
I served my mission with honor and all of that crap, but on top of everything... I learned that the only place that God existed is in me. Not Salt Lake. Not the temples. Inside of YOU.
I know I am not helping you at all and that is frustrating to me.
Just know that you MUST be who you are or you will NEVER please anyone INCLUDING God.
Hang in there kiddo. No - I am not a basher or some idiot Christian zealot. I am John. And I am Gay with a husband that I love.
Be honest. Be who God meant for you to be. Not what you feel others think you should be.
Email me if you want.
John in Phoenix (DPORTER4@COX.NET)
06 February, 2006 18:03
"Just know that you MUST be who you are or you will NEVER please anyone INCLUDING God."
I really don't get that line of thinking.
07 February, 2006 09:20
One of the most important things anyone has ever told me came from a gay friend of mine not long after I began the process of coming out: Self hatred is a sin.
And in my opinion, it's a sin far worse that masturbation.
07 February, 2006 09:56
Opinions Aren't Gospel,
Everyone Keep That In Mind.
The only Gospel That Matters To The Human Soul is The Gospel You Know. If P.M. Believes it's a grevious sin, it's a grevious sin. For him, Taking the lords name in vain or stealing might be easy to not commit, but for others, might be grevious. The Lord Challenges us All Differently, and according to our Strengths. The point is not that we agree with how it works, the point is that is how it works. End of Story. Sorry, Just Trying To Keep The Score At Nuetral for you P.M. Keep Fighting The Good Fight.
~A Friend From The Past
08 February, 2006 00:44
I didn't know we were keeping score.
08 February, 2006 20:41
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
09 February, 2006 00:30
Hey...it's been a while since you posted...everything OK?
10 February, 2006 04:12
Dude, I'm sorry. But all this stuff about "accepting who you are" is bullcrap. Read "only for men" Homosexuality is a sin, one not to me entangled in. Get out, and get out fast my brother.
11 February, 2006 10:40
dude, that's helpful...
13 February, 2006 05:14
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