Will I Ever Reallize That It's Going to Hurt Tomorrow?
I ended up doing the whole thing over again last night. And tonight. Porn followed by masturbation. There's obviously something not right, and at the same time, I've got some ground to stomp around on. I went a week. No porn, no masturbation. Cool. I started writing in a journal again. Cool. I reallized that when I write in a journal of some kind, I end up messing up less...so I decided to put that to use...but the tension kept on building, as only tension of the sexual kind can...and last night, after I had gone a week and a day, kaput. And what did I have this morning? Disdain for myself. What'll I get tomorrow? The same. I hope that I never grind myself down to the point where I just don't care about this, because I feel that it's something that DOES need to be cared about.
Someone's alarm clock is going off...and it's really annoying. I hate the sound of digital alarm clocks...they pull me from sleep, and they hurt.
I really had no reason to be stupid tonight...I didn't have mounting tensions. I had been kind of mad at myself this morning, but I ended up going to work for 8 hours, and I was fine there. Not a sexual or homosexual thought, for that matter, crossed through my mind. I come home to find Shared Major Boy waiting for me (we've been hanging out quite a bit over the past 3 days, and I'm so happy to have a hetero friend who's just fun to be around), we hung out for about 1/2 an hour, and then he went home...roomates went to sleep, and I went to pornin'. I had saved a file on my computer...a video, I'll just suffice to say that much...I knew it was there, and went back to look at it again. "Eh, I just saw gay porn, I might as well finish the job," my mind said to its self...ludacris, I know...I'm not a rational thinker in the the heat of the moment, I guess.
Something can't be right though...Yes, I know the stuff is supposed to be more addictive than crack, but I should have more willpower than this, shouldn't I? Yes, I'm human, but I should be better than this. I don't want any "aww, poor baby, you just need to be easier on yourself" right now...right now, it hasn't fully struck me that I've just oggled someone's sons sodomizing eachother, and got off to it. Okay, that kind of was a blow to my ego right there, and I DO kind of feel it a bit now. Hah. Go guilt.
I have a meeting with my new therapist through LDS family services this Thursday. Apparantly the therapist is a female...that'll be interesting. The woman who I talked to at the desk said that she specialized in the area of SSA. Let's hope she can help with pornography as well...I don't want to say I'm an "addict," but these all sure are signs of an addiction...great. Now I'm gay, AND I'm addicted to porn...and I masturbate without really having a lobido either, due to the medications I'm on...I'm just a regular saint, now aren't I?
I DO feel sore about one thing.......thoughts...fantasies while I was there, doing my duty...one poor boy's face, who doesn't belong there, kept on popping into my head. I hate this...he's too good for me to be thinking like this about him...maybe that'll stop me from fantasizing about him in the future....I mean, initially it WAS something I wanted, but I've come to know him, and he's no longer a piece of meat. He's got a personality and I care about him...
Interesting thought.
Those that I care about, I don't want to get sexually involved with in any fashion, be it fantasizing, or the actual debaucherous act...that could prove helpful in dodging any possible future gay relationships...I just need to get myself to care about any guys that I find myself attracted to...hopefully that'll quell any urges.
Gosh, I'm rational.
It's 4 am...I am supposed to go work out tomorrow morning...and I'm just throwing my own little pitty party here, and not inviting anyone else, because its my party and I'll cry if I want to.
Maybe working out will drain me so much that as soon as I get home from work at midnight, I'll just lay head down on pillow.
I miss my best friend, my roomate. He's sleeping in our room right now. I didn't see him at all today.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 3:01 AM
9 Comments:
I think that therapy is always a good idea. There is probably more behind the porn and masturbation than you realize. There are emotional and physical needs at play that you can further explore. To say the least, I want you to know that I understand what you are going through. I think it is admirable that you feel strongly about wanting to stop, and that you are trying to work at it. You will learn so much from trying to fight it, and I think you already have. Good luck with everything.
15 February, 2006 06:54
When you mess up like that, pick yourself up and move forward. It's good and appropriate to feel the guilt, but then move on.
You don't have to fight this battle alone. Turn to your Savior for help. He will pick you up when you fall short. Take pride in the successes you have (i.e., going a week. Good job!).
Why do you masturbate? It is not because you’re a bad person. It’s not because you are weak. It’s not because you have a weak testimony. It’s not because you don’t love the Savior enough. It’s not because you are a pervert. It’s not because you’re overly focused on sex. The real reason isn’t because you get horny and can’t control yourself. None of these things are correct reasons.
There are underlying issues of pain and needs that make this a challenge for you. Your therapist can help. In the meantime, be patient with yourself. Good luck!
15 February, 2006 10:41
I don't know if this is the case for you, but it was for me:
Sometimes, when a thing becomes forbidden, it becomes more attractive and addictive.
I considered myself an addict to mastrubation. I could not seem to control myself - every time I had a thought, an urge - it was all I could do to hold off until I was alone in my locked bedroom. I hated that I looked forward to "release days" that I would set for myself; rewards for going a week, two weeks, a month, etc. I treated mastrubation like I thought any addiction could be licked. I tried gradual cessation, increasing the in between periods. Cold turkey. Exercise, or replacing the habit with something healthy. I tried negative reinforcement. Positive reinfocement. Nothing helped.
And I started to realize that the only times I had real success were the times when I was so busy that masturbation didn't cross my mind (although I found that no matter how busy I was, there was always time for a quick wank), and the times when I allowed myself to mastrubate as much as I wanted to. I got tired of it, relatively. I decided that it would be better for my mental health if I was just okay with masturbation. If it wasn't a big deal, I wouldn't be so attracted to it, and I wouldn't be so addicted to it.
And you know what? That worked for me. I didn't need it because I could have it whenever I wanted, and it's much easier to control since I decided that masturbation was ok.
That, and the rationalization that mastrubation is higher on the good/bad scale than rape. ;)
15 February, 2006 11:52
I agree with foxx 200 percent. Its a complete waste of time for you to hate yourself and beat yourself up every time you slip up. The church tells you its so forbidden and terrible to masturbate. But interestingly, as soon as I became more okay with it...the compulsion, the tension the guilt associated with it has left me. Its much more peaceful this way.
15 February, 2006 18:01
P.S. the frequency has gone down tremendously (near nill), to a point where it is nothing compared to my days of compulsive ADDICTION. You will find that once you're okay wiht it... it gets old, and its not a big deal. Not some forbidden fruit.... it makes it much easier to just not even think about it and it becomes much less in your life.
15 February, 2006 18:03
I also agree with Foxx on this on.
15 February, 2006 22:48
Count me in, too! Ever since I stopped worrying about how horrible masturbation is, I've noticed that I only masturbate a few times a month. Hardly compulsive.
I know you think you're doing yourself some great disservice by relaxing your stance toward masturbation, but I assure you it will pay off ten fold! I do know that God isn't going to keep you from the Celestial kingdom because you've masturbated. It really is a small thing that you can be forgiven for quite easily. Believe Christ.
16 February, 2006 02:36
I had a hard time letting go of the evilness of mastrubation, but one thing that helped me was I realized that when I confessed to the sin, there was no punishment. There was no consequence. My bishop simply advised me to keep my mind on uplifting things, and perhaps keep a picture of Christ in my room.
At the time, I felt like it was a punishment, a way to visually give my sin away to my family, but in retrospect, I was never told to stop, never even given a slap on the wrists. Just, "It's on the list of things to confess, but it's really low on the list." I still had all the rights and priveleges of the priesthood. I could still hold my calling. I could still go on a mission.
Point is, everybody does it, and it's not that big of a deal.
16 February, 2006 15:12
A female therapist sounds interesting. But I suppose if she specializes in that area...well, its safe to say your showing signs of addiction, but you can say your a full addict. I've seen addicts, and you defintally dont fit into that category. Which means, you know you can beat this. It means you can keep fighting so you dont end up in that category. Just as long as you dont give up on therapy, you'll be fine.
18 February, 2006 00:14
Post a Comment
<< Home