The Gradual Descent Into a Life I Never Meant...
So, previously I hadn't really had that hard a time getting to sleep...that's all changed. The amount of stress lately has just been...it's been not good for my skin, for my sleep, and for my inhibitions. Here's the situation with work. I got this job, and it's a nice job, I really get payed for not doing much, but thing is, I was supposed to get payed last week....and I've got about $60 in my bank account to live on until I get payed. I really need to get this paycheck to, you know, live, but It hasn't been coming fast enough. I've now been working there for a month, and still no paycheck. Something to do with my manager not getting the copies of my social security card and license into the corporate office in time (how funny that, in his office, I saw them just lying around...that really pisses me off). I've already hit my parents up for money once, which I feel horrible for, as I'm trying to keep out of their pockets, but they've be4en gracious enough to give me $50, which I've been living off of...er....not spending.
So this stress has been piling up, and I had been taking it in, well, not the most constructive or spiritually sound manner. I've been releasing it via my usual evils...porn and masturbation. It's come to the point now, I think, where masturbation isn't the big issue...It's going to happen, I think I've accepted that. If I'm going to even contemplate celibacy, "taking care of myself" is going to pretty much be a necessity...and I hate to look at it as necessary evil, but I guess it's been keeping me from acting out in some other, more drastic form.
I'm just pissed off about the porn.
Last week...man...it's just been horendous. I talked with my Bishop this last Sunday, and after that, I had been doing so good this week. No porn, I was a rockstar...aaaaaaaand then last night, and boom. He had asked me to read my scriptures, and keep a journal of the things I've learned...I'm a slacker, and feel guilt that leads me to not read, so I've been not doing what he asked. I really need to start up on it...today. I need to do it today...at least have SOMETHING to take to him when we meet this next Sunday.
My Bishop's been great, though, and that adds to the "I'm a punk" feelings. I think I'm the first member of his ward who's approached him with same-gender attraction issues...oh well. He's been nothing but supportive, and sympathetic, and he's a good, good man.
Can't this just stop? Because I'm exhausted. I don't know how to not struggle with this...I can't just give in. I don't know how to just "turn my back on the Dragon."
I hate this lack of connection between brain and heart. I can't make me love someone....can I make me NOT love someone? I'm sick of being so confused...and I'm sick to my stomach. I want to be bulletproof.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 12:50 PM
10 Comments:
A germane article from BYU's 100-Hour Board:
Q: Dear 100 Hour Board,
This really isn't a question. I just wanted to express my surprise at your answers concerning the topic of masturbation.
"I think it's difficult to say exactly what the Church teaches regarding masturbation in 2006"
Their stance seems pretty clear to me. If the Church doesn't really have a stance on this issue anymore, then why are young men asked if they have a problem with this in practically every priesthood interview and also in their limited use temple recommend interviews? Why is it still a "have you ever" question in the mission interview? Why does the church still publish a phamplet on the subject? Haven't you ever sat in a stake priesthood meeting and heard talks condemning the practice? Perhaps it is not mentioned by the prophet so frequently now because pornography and other problems are much more serious and widespread at the moment. If so, that does not negate the sinfulness of the act; it only means there are more pressing matters that the brothren need to focus on. Or perhaps they simply haven't said anything new because there is nothing new to be said - President Kimball spelled it out very clearly.
A: Dear _____-
Why are young men asked if they have a problem with this in practically every priesthood interview and also in their limited use temple recommend interviews? Why is it still a "have you ever" question in the mission interview?
It isn't. This is not an approved question for priesthood leaders to ask in those sorts of interviews. If you know of a bishop or stake president that is, they are operating outside of their calling, and their priesthood leader should be informed without delay. Passing off one's own questions in temple recommend interviews as being officially approved is a Very Bad Thing.
Why does the church still publish a pamphlet on the subject?
I think I know what pamphlet you are speaking of; To Young Men Only, printed in 1976, based on a talk Elder Packer gave. I don't believe this pamphlet is still in print.
Haven't you ever sat in a stake priesthood meeting and heard talks condemning the practice?
Not that I can recall.
If so, that does not negate the sinfulness of the act; it only means there are more pressing matters that the brothren need to focus on. Or perhaps they simply haven't said anything new because there is nothing new to be said - President Kimball spelled it out very clearly.
So clearly that (in The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, printed in 1981, when he said what I believe you are referring to,) he did not specifically call masturbation a "sin"? He does refer to it as "a rather common indiscretion," and a "weakness," but specifically states it is not a "heinous sin" like specific other sexual practices are. Additionally, Elder Packer's talk that appears in the pamphlet I believe you are referencing specifically states that even habitual masturbation is not "a transgression so great that the Lord would reject you because of it". I think if this were a matter that the Lord considered to be of great importance, it would have been addressed by an Apostle during General Conference sometime during the last thirty years--as serious sexual sins have been. Even more importantly, if this were seen as an important issue, counsel to bishops and stake presidents on how to deal with masturbation would appear in the General Handbook of Instructions. It does not. When it comes to the Handbook, not saying anything is saying something.
I'm not saying that this is acceptable behavior, but your remarks seem rather off the cuff. I believe that I accurately spoke of the potential problems that masturbation could create when I answered the original question. I think of masturbation as a relatively minor transgression: best not done; not for what it is, but because it can (and often does) lead to behavior that will cause real and lasting unhappiness. For those that feel compelled to masturbate daily or nearly every day, I think there is a very real problem, though, that should be overcome.
This seems to be an issue that many people believe is far more serious than it actually is. This is likely because it's an embarassing subject to discuss, perhaps even more so than sex in general. However, there are weightier matters of the law.
10 March, 2006 14:46
Disagreed Bjorn. If you'll quote further articles on the same subject (there have been quite a few over the last week), you'll find counterarguments.
I particularly agree with the one that goes something like: we're put on this earth to learn to control our urges, all of them, whether they be our appetite for food, for sleep, for sex, etc.
Anything that has become compulsory, such as masturbation, is something that we should be trying to overcome.
Speaking as someone who deals with addiction himself, I know the difficulties involved. I wont offer up any benign platitudes (like, trust in God and you'll overcome!) but I can say that if we work hard at training our minds and bodies, we can get closer and closer to the point at which we want to be.
10 March, 2006 17:36
Alls I know is that if I hadn't thought that God was abandoning me whenever I messed up and masturbated I'd be a much less screwed up person today, sexually. And speaking of becoming compulsory, I see plenty of people fitting that description in their frantic effort to gain celestial glory. I think that making masturbation into more than it is is the real sin--by fixating on the action, a guilt-cycle is created that feeds itself--and placing such feelings of guilt and self-loathing on one's sexuality is NEVER a recipe for a healthy sexuality.
10 March, 2006 18:14
Whether masturbation is "bad" or not, there's no question it's usually wrapped up in guilt (for Mormons at least) and feelings of poor self control. One friend of mine suggested avoiding porn by just not letting the feelings of guilt get you down. You just don't get worked up about it. If you look, you look. And then you move on. Pretty soon the heart wrenching compulsory part of it goes away and one of the worst parts of the whole thing is gone. My friend said it helped him stop looking at porn altogether. Just a thought...
10 March, 2006 21:02
You know, a post or two ago when you mentioned needing an endorsement from your bishop or stake president, I thought, that's something I never had to worry about in college (I didn't go to an LDS school). I also didn't have a lot of money trouble in college. I could mention some other things you've talked about recently, but my point is, it does sound like you really have a lot of sources of stress in your life right now. Yet you're in school, working, blogging, and I don't know what else. I'm not sure I'd be doing as well in your cirumstances. In the long run, things will get better, and so will your ability to deal with stress in ways you feel good about.
Disrupted sleep is a classic symptom of depression, but I've also experienced it as a side effect of SSRIs, like Zoloft, though I'm not sure how common that is. It might be worth mentioning to your doctor or therapist, if you haven't already. My doctor had some useful ideas for dealing with side-effect sleep problems.
I had a job once where they were late paying me the first month. After some complaining from me, it turned out there was a way to pay me part of the first month's salary immediately, outside the regular payroll process. I said I needed the money and couldn't wait until the next regular pay day, and I had a check less than a week later. If you're working for a large organization, and you haven't already, it might be worth calling HR or payroll to see if they have a similar process. In most states, I think employers have a legal obligation not to be very late with paychecks, and the payroll people may do this sort of thing fairly routinely. I don't know how likely this is in your case, but one way or another, I hope the check comes through soon.
10 March, 2006 22:49
Dude, I realize money is an issue for you, but I'd recommend Covenant Eyes software if you want help with the porn issues. It's been one of the best tools for keeping me honest on the net. It's $7 a month. It emails a log of your internet activity to two people of your choice. I'd choose people who don't know you have porn issues and who you wouldn't want to know -- greater incentive to be good. I'd check it out.
For the rest of our lives, we porn consumers must work hard to keep ourselves in check, using methods beyond "self-control." Give Covenant Eyes a shot.
10 March, 2006 23:35
This might be stupid of me to ask, but have you ever tried putting a note on your computer? Like a bright sticky note with something on it that will make you remember why you dont want to be looking at it. For example, I had a friend who had a porn problem, and his girlfriend knew about it, so he took a sticky note and wrote her name in big bold letters and stuck it to the screen. It was a small thing to do, but it worked. If you havn't tried it, then try putting a favorite scripture, quote, or reasons. If you have tried it, dont try it once and give up, keep trying.
12 March, 2006 01:11
first of all kick arse photo
stick in there buddy it is hard but woth it just reacently went a week with out the masterbation I had forgoten how good it feels to not do it, and sorry cant give you any pointers on how to do that dont know how I did it myself.
~Yeti
13 March, 2006 01:04
You complain about no one being there to understand you and you complain about not having anyone who cares ... and now you have a bishop who cares and is there to support you and you're complaining about that.
Stop throwing yourself a pity party and realize that the issue has nothing to do with anything except your own refusal to accept that people might actually care about you. In every post, you say that you wish you had someone to care about you ... and to every post, you have at least 3 people telling you that they love you.
Open up your eyes. That's God's way of showing you that you have the support you need if you'll just reach out and take it. If you won't ... well then stop complaining about it.
16 March, 2006 04:45
Dear boy at BYU-Idaho,
I've been so frusterated with my own struggle with masterbation, I googled the sentence "how LDS bishops deal with masterbation" to see if anyone had mentioned the topic. Your blog was one of the links I found, and I'm really glad I found it. I went on a mission and in the MTC they did ask me the "have you ever" question. I remember I was scared to death, mainly because our branch president was a serious, scary guy. It ticks me off that no support groups are offered here at BYU-I for girls struggling with the demon - it's not just men, when will they ever realize that? Shoot, me and my best friend are both struggling. My bishop told me I should date and find someone, that it would solve the problem. If anything, I think it would encourage one to think about sex. So for now I'm bearing my cross alone, waiting until I've had some time of abstinence before I go back to the Bishop. I came outta there feeling like I wasn't even forgiven of my sin, just the victim of a Church-school typical marriage guilt trip.
Anyway, thank you for being open and honest. I've been reading about SSA and the Church and the blogs linked from your site have helped me to see it from a truely human perspective. I feel empathy and so sad for how people with SSA have been treated in the Church, for those that have the silent struggle. It makes me mad that so many people with SSA have had such negative experiences. I talked with my roomie about it a few nights ago and she made a valid point - if someone is fighting those urges, they shouldn't be labeled as gay. Only those who follow through on the actions and actively pursue a gay lifestyle should be considered gay. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I know I may not be gay, but I am dealing with worthiness issues that you may be facing. Sometimes I wonder if I should be allowed up here at BYU-I because of that and that I've looked at pornography. It's awful. I'd take back all of it if I could.
19 April, 2006 12:34
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