Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Shortest Green Lights in Town

Image hosted by

I'm actually feeling decent today. I just got back from a doctor's appointment, and he game me more samples of my medication (so I don't have to pay anything...wooo!), and an Rx for some Ambien so I can get some decent sleep (at the proper times). I'm surprised that I've rebounded so quickly from my last "temptation breakdown."

3 days ago, I think it was, I had a lapse of control, and gave into the binge. Bluntly put...nuff said. As would be predicted, the following day, I felt like complete crap, as with the day after. Actually, yesterday wasn't too entirely bad either. I ended up talking to a friend who lives nearby and told him that I wanted to get out of the house, so he told me to bring my computer over, and that we'd work on it (it needed a good reformatting), and hang out some. I was over at his house from about 1pm to 2am yesterday, but fun was had by all, and we got my computer working (after about 5 hours of banging our heads against the desks).

I think that right now, I needed even more humbling than I had been recieving (given my current status, I feel pretty pitiful and 'humbled,' but apparantly, I've got more to work on than I before allowed myself to recognise). I feel actually in a position where I'm inclined to read my scriptures for a change, and actually prayed (even if it was while lying on my back in bed) last night. Those are things that've been much to few and far inbetween. I'm going to try to get myself back onto them, and today is my starting date.

Word around my house lately has been of retreating to Rexburg sooner than planned. My mother seems to have some hidden itinerary cooking, as she keeps on making the looming 'leaving' seem more close than which I'm really not complaining at all. I'd like to get out of this town as soon as possible, and back into the reach of so many good friends, but as a precursor, I want to get myself stabilized back in the Gospel (somewhat, at least), and get some money in my pocket...and have some transportation. Right now, I have absolutely NO clue on how I'm going to get back to Rexburg. My therapist called my mom and told her that I needed to get out of here soonish, and that 'having some transportation around town might not be a bad idea either,' IE: give me the idea that the parental units were prevously opposed to, though I think they're starting to cave a little bit on the idea.

The prospect of having the car at school opens diverse new possibilities to my social circles, but at what cost to family? I feel like a huge prick pulling the "I'm suicidal, so give me the car" card, but I'm kind of doing it anyway. . . . . . . . . .

Anyway, I'm going to go and read some of the Book of Mormon, and then play some videogames, as I don't work again until Saturday...gosh, I need more hours.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Rent In Twain

Image hosted by

I hate decisions. I have made some though, just incase some of you are wondering. I've decided that at present, I'm not going to do anything to possibly endanger my future membership in the church...keeping chaste is going to be my one-way ticket back into an independant situation; school. This isn't easy...There is an attractive 20 year old being dangled in front of me...many many many things in common...thusfar, I've only talked to him online, and heard his voice when I called him and got his voicemail. I've told him that at present 'I just wanna be friends...not looking for a hookup,' so there's no desperation to see eachother.

I think my meds are finally starting to work, in some ways, at least. I haven't been nearly as depressed these past 2 days as I have been for the last week or two, and for me, that's a big plus. I'll blame the drugs. I haven't really been too suicidal over these couple of days, but the thought of "this is a possible way of killing yourself" has popped into my head only a few times today. I remember...I was helping a friend load up her stuff into boxes, and talking about my suicidal nature. "I guess that I always thought that every teenager thingks about killing themselves." I guess not...oh well. Just another indicator that I was pretty depressed in High School, but didn't know it? It seems like all the ways that I can think of dying, by my own hand at least, would be dreadfully painful...gun wounds? being stabbed through the heart? having a heart attack from jumping off a building? hanging myself? drowning? They all seem far too barbaric, and far too painful. I suppose you can all rest assured in the fact that I'm a horrible wimp, and hate pain - therefore, the ideal way would be to have a train dropped on me, and squash me into jam. That'd be, I would think, relatively painless because it'd be so fast...but I'll change the morbid topic, lest I digress any further.

The reason I say that I hate decisions, is because I can't help but think that no matter what I do in this life, a monumental decision(s) is being lead up to. Either coming out, "staying straight," or killing myself. Only one of the dicisions lead up to my spiritual conscience being satisfied, one leads to no more physical problems, and the other is complete hedonism. All three are tempting, though the two 'living' alternatives are the currently preferred, I suppose.

Bah, I need a car in rexburg.....

That's all for now, maybe I'll continue this post later. I have been kind of rambling, and so I'll stop.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Floating upon the surface for the birds

A painting I did today......reflection in its greatest (or...not so great)

The figure in the bottom is representative of myself...emerging from a sea of a solid past, broken by the scars and pock marks of my past, rising like broken skyscrapers, long submurged. The sunset, being quenched (or rising) by (or from out of the repression of) the sea is somewhat representative of my struggle with same-sex attraction.

I didn't even reallize all the symbolism that this piece had until I had already gotten half way through painting it.

Inspired by "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead.

Friday, September 16, 2005

A Temple, Empty

Image hosted by

So, I finally got back to the temple for the first time since I've been be honest, and as I just said to Jason, I was a bit disappointed, as I didn't really feel the spirit much at all...I tried to gear myself up for it, and either I didn't do enough, or I'm doing something else wrong. "Were you expecting to feel the spirit, or hoping to?" "A bit of both," I replied.

It just doesn't happen for me...the whole 'feel the spirit' thing. Jason and I are talking about it right now, actually. "Sexual sins take time to heal," he says. Definately true...though...if that's the case, and it takes time, after a sexual sin, to feel the spirit again, then my whole life seems to have been riddled with the filth.

Even when I was a little kid, I never really feel like I felt the spirit...after baptism through about age 11, when I started dabbling in masturbation...Granted, I didn't leave myself much of a window for a success margin, but you'd think I'd have at least one memory of some spiritual significance within there? Nope...not in particular.

The times that I do remember having felt the spirit was, say, at EFY, surrounded by other nerdy Mormon kids, letting it loose...granted, that's what my situation's always been...being a huge nerd, and cutting loose...putting up the facade of "I'm the spectacular LDS kid that everbody envies!" Ha...people envy me...right.

I haven't written my missionaries in far too long...I've gotten my MTC guys in the past month, but since I left, and returned, I haven't written so many of my guys from back at school, or friends from around HERE even...add another reason I'm a sub-par person/friend. I don't keep in contact.

The garden state soundtrack is really good.

I'm going to go and try not to think about suicide for the rest of the evening. Jason, sorry I made you swear. I love you, bro, you know that. You've been nothing but an amazing support.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Taking it back

Image hosted by

So, I know I sound so indecisive in saying this, but, I might have to resend my decision to take after the boy. To be blunt, we flirted for about 3 hours last night, which was amazing...but today's events just...make me need to rethink my decisions.

My bishop pulled me into his office today, out of the blue...out of nowhere, and essentially said 'how are you doing?' I was baffled...because were I to be pulled back in the opposite direction of where I as going, THEN was the time that It NEEDED to happen...and God moves in mysterious ways...

It comes down to this: I believe in God, I have faith in Jesus Christ, and I hope that this church is true...I don't know anything for certain, but I have hopes that what I feel I'm being lead to, at present, is what's right.

I want to be able to have a family...a wife and kids, however ludacris that might sound coming form someone in my position especially. I want to attain the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom in the life hereafter...I want to feel happy...I need to be proud of myself. I need

Now, where I to hustle after this guy that I've fancied, how would I end up with a wife? With kids? It doesn't add up...I hope for an ideallistic 'mormon' life, but being gay doesn't let that it brainwashing, call it influence from a young age, whatever...but the thing my body wants is conflicting with my spirit, and the two can't has to have dominion over the other...up until now, it was the flesh, today, the spirit has the reigns and is trying to guide me in the right direction.

This feels good right now...feeling spiritual...I can't explain it....feels better than I felt when I was flirting, though I won't deny that that was spectacular...but I'm not going into detail on that, because I'll lose focus, and run off my tracks again.

Time to construct a list of daily things to do...I'll hang this up in my room.
List of Daily Do's:
Pray, first thing
Read Scriptures - 30minutes
Write in journal daily (blog doesn't count)
Don't fight the alarm clock
Early to bed/Early to rise
Surround myself with good, wholesome people
Pray for Charity
Read other uplifting material: Literature on SSA that I've collected, endorsed by the church, etc.
Write my missionaries
Get another job
Abstain from swearing
"Get Blessings" through not slipping up

By the way, I quit my boss was a witch with a capital B...sick of being mistreated, so I quit after she made me have an emotional meltdown on friday...weds/thurs had been horrible, and fri was just bad BAD.

I need to go take a sunday nap.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Taking Chances

Image hosted by

So my decision is made. I'm going after this boy. I'm not going to do anything sexual, that's my boundry...just like dating in high school, right? If I had the inhibitions enough to stop myself from doing anything in high school (then again, it was with girls, so go figure), then I can hope that I have enough scrouples to stop myself from getting dirty with this kid...and that's if he's interested. And if not, then this endevor with him just wasn't meant to be. I think I can handle that.

This isn't to say that I'm "out of the closet," and that anyone else can refer to me as being "gay." It's kind of humorous...I've decided that I can call myself "gay," and other people that I trust can call me "gay," but nobody else...sorry "normal straight people," you don't get that luxury.

So, I've officially ben accepted by Liz and Jen as the "trophy gay best friend," and I absolutely have to say that I love that title...they've also partially approved of my 'possible boyfriend,' which, in my book, is nigh unto complete acceptance. I'm just...I'm glad to see that I'm finding acceptance from some people, church members especially, where I've only been expecting rejection. I just hope my family can still say "I love you," even though I've completed the set of '1/2 of the kids in the family are gay.'

So, throughout all my being destructively introspective, I've found that when I've contemplated just trying to suck it up, taking the hard road, and trying to live up to other people in the church's standards, masking the hetero thing to myself as well as them, then I'm going to be miserable...I'll end up wanting to kill myself...and that's what will happen...I'd end up doing it. Though, when I contemplate this...this release. This honesty with myself, I don't have any desire for personal destruction. I'm not saying that I find joy in being gay....and frankly, I don't know how God could place his children here with such a thing as same gender attraction, to make us miserable constantly, but at least this gives me some kind of relief.

But maybe it's not what I'm supposed to do? I think I can handle that. Right now I'm just planning on getting my feet wet...test the waters. If I really don't like it, then I'm going to try to go back to girls. I suppose I've just been so self-restrictive for so long, that I owe some honesty to myself. Yes, we're supposed to bridle our passions, but I'd prefer to stay alive, thanks...and I don't plan on doing anything sexual, nothing to get me into a disciplinary counsel...that sounds kind of like "I'm just going to walk the edge, not jump over," but it makes sense to me...anyway

I need to go to portland.

Oh yeah...I quit my job, because my boss made me bawl...I can't take being treated like shite...especially not in my current emotional situation...and they just switched me to effexor instead of lexipro, now too.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Excuse Notes

Image hosted by

Why do I feel compelled to start writing a will, and distribute thoset things I own to others...I haven't gone yet. I feel about ready to start drafting an excuse to my parents, family and friends for what I feel is inevitable...I simply don't have the constitution, mental or physical, to carry out the task set in front of me.

Life isn't fair...I'd rather be dead than deal with this right now...

For those of you freaking out right now, know that WERE I to take such an action, I'd need to have a perfected 'letter,' written...the likes of which I haven't even begun to write...I don't even know what I'd start to say.

I'm so unprotected
I'm so all alone
Where's the one whom I need to place his strong arms around me?
His warm breath on my neck, whispering "you're good enough for me,"
While my tears are not wiped, but kissed away,
Sweet salt that stings my eyes taken by his lips

what the hell am I trying to write...? Goodbye for now.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

The Pyramid

Image hosted by

This is how I feel right now.

In an obscure world (an odd setting such as the pyramids), I have nothing to do but throw my head back, screaming and yelling, while walking through the hot desert of my trials.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. I'm trying. I'll continue to try for as long as my legs will hold out...they're just shaky, and nobody can brace me up.

I met with my Stake President tonight, who encouraged me to go to the temple as soon as possible, tomorrow even if I could swing it...I don't think tomorrow or the day after will be able to happen, but I'm going to go as soon as possible. I might not think I'm ready to go back, but obviously the spirit, heck, I'm going to try....I just need to stop swearing.

I hate having to try to sort out my life in my head. My Life is a Catch 22:
I either give into my homosexual urges, and start dating a guy, have sex, and give into the 'sins of the flesh,' and possibly find "happiness," however short-lived it is


I contintue to try to live a heterosexual lifestyle...I strive for perfection, continuing to grind myself into the ground...I feel like where I'm at is somehow body is telling me "NO," but my spirit is whispering ever-so-softly "..,y-ye...yes....?...." all the while, having to walk on eggshells, swimming a vinegar sea, with whip-mark on my back, as people throw "that's so gay," and "you faggot," around, as joking remarks, all the while grinding my heart to fine-powdered sand.

For those of you reading this, I hope that I NEVER hear you say the word "faggot," again my lifetime, if you've ever used that term in the first place. A friend, the other day, who knows about my issues, made the comment of "that's so gay," and later apologised. Her roomate asked why she was apologising (she did it in a manner that I'd understand, but nobody else would), and she said "because I accidentally called (insert my real name here) a BIIIIG jackass. Jenny, if you're reading this, honey, thanks alot...that made my day that you apologised, and we both knew exactly what it was about.

Really, I just needed a reason to vent. My meds are, like, officially not working, I think, and I think they need to put me on something more serious. Physicians usually know what it takes for MINOR depression issues, but I might have to go to a psychologyst, to get some more hardcore drugs...yeesh.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Head for the Hills, the Kitchen's on Fire

So...I've been feeling really very crappy lately...and I think, today, I came to the reallization of why. It's because SSRI's (selective seratonin reception inhibitors), the anti-depressants that I'm on, aren't doing their job...or...they're doing their job, but my brain is doing it's darndest to fight them...thust overproducing whatever it has to produce to make me feel miserable. Now, all that's left to do, is make another appointment with my physician, and have him give me something else...something that works better. I think we're supposed to be trying Effexor next? I don't know...all I know is that we're going to be switching to something that's not an SSRI.

It might be a really stupid, foolish move to make, but I put myself up on Yahoo personals, as a "Man seeking a Man." I'll be honest...I've been freaking lonely lately. I still long to be held by someone who's strong, muscular, and comforting. Not that I'm guaranteed to find it, but if I'm looking to get in touch with other gay guys around here, that's an okay place to start, right? I put down on there that "I'm not looking for sex or a 'hook up,' just someone to talk to. I went and sent some messages to some guys in my area, one of which is from my hometown, and isn't drop dead gorgeous, but he's pretty cute...and he had a shirtless pic on his page - I wasn't unimpressed...seems strong to me.

I feel as if this is the scenario right now - If I stay with trying to find a girl who'll make me happy, it's not going to happen. What'd I do to have that normalcy taken from me? If I try to 'stick it out,' being a homosexual trying to be a hetero, I feel like I'm only going to be left wanting. I don't know if this is me 'setting out to date a gay guy,' but I'm at least taking some kind of steps. If this is going to keep me from killing myself (which has been an ever-increasing topic on my mind as of late, what with the drugs not doing their job), then why not do it? Or am I meant to kill myself, remain unhappy, and left wanting? I'm not saying this will make me 'unhappy,' I'm just seeing it as a possible way for happiness to come easier.

I still haven't 'come out,' and don't know if I ever will...that's just too monumentous of a statement for me. If I say to the world, and to everyone I meet 'Hi I'm (enter name here), and I'm gay!' I don't feel like I'd ever be able to take that back...If I ever wanted to reach, again, for that heterosexual lifestyle, with a wife, and kids, I'd have some serious explaining to myself above anyone else.


I've been listening to a band called the "Appleseed Cast" alot lately. A friend of mine turned me onto them about 2 years ago, and I picked their CD up again last week, and haven't been able to put it down since. I went and downloaded all their other albums (I know, I know, I'm a horrible, shameless music pirate), and I absolutely love them. I find that when I'm listening to them in the car, I can't help but just sit and think, driving either right at the speed limit (as opposed to the usual 5-10 over), or even 5 under...just meandering, and thinking.

Some friends and I hung out last night. They came and picked me up at about 11:30pm, and we drove around and found ourselves in Portland, looking for an IHOP...we went to Macdonalds instead, and then drove back. That is where the good stuff is...driving to Portland, an hour away, only to go to Macdonalds, and then drive back, talking all the way. Lovely.

Currently Listening to ~ "Bones" by Radiohead

Friday, September 02, 2005

I might not make it that long

I know this sounds randomly bleak, and miserable of me...but tonight, I just feel an overwhelming sense of forboding.

I feel like I might not make it back to Rexburg...
I might not last that long...

There's really no reason for my being so melancholy...but I'll use the excuse of my severe depression as a scapegoat. I've been taking my meds...I've been working all day long, hoping to tucker myself out, so as not to have the energy to do stupid things...I've tried (kind of) praying and reading my scriptures. I'm just so exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I might not last that long...

Am I to become a statistic of Gay Mormons who end up committing suicide because of lack of ability to cope with their problems? Maybe I have the tools to "deal" with my problems...maybe having my life in my own hands is 'tool' enough.

I'm going to get out of the house and away from any potentially hazardous objects now. Were I to end it, I'd do something quick and painless...I'm a big wimp, and couldn't handle cutting my wrists, or hanging myself or something. It'd have to be like...instant incineration, or an explosion, or getting turned to stone or something...

Everyone else seems to have a grasp on their problems, but here I am, fantasizing about some guy that I saw in my dream last night...he was perfect, and I was extremely turned on by him...I don't understand what I'm supposed to do right now...I can't do anything but "check out" guys as they pass...the missionaries, people at the store, members of my own family ward that I see at the gas station...women aren't in the least bit appealing to me right now, other than when being viewed as a sexual object, something I've striven for years to dilude and get rid of in my psychie...what I long for is a fulfilling relationship with a male, my height, strong build, who's sensitive and caring...someone who I feel can protect me...I feel so vulnerable. I want someone (right now ANYONE, male or female) to hold me in my arms, and let me have them tell me, with strong arms clasped around me, that things will all be okay...that I have what it takes...that I'm good enough for THEM, and that that's all that matters in the world...someone to wipe away my tears.

I've had mom to do that for me in the past, but never, really, have I had that connection with another person...I want someone strong, who can be strong for me too.

I might not last that long...

How much longer can I keep this a secret from the world?

The Connundrum of Conscience

Things in life are just.....they're interesting.

Today, work was long, and I was on my feet for 9 hours straight, but that means that I made about $60, so I'm not complaining. Changes in peoples lives are friends are breaking up with girlfriends, other people are making extremely intense life-decisions, and I don't know what I want in life.

I'm extceedingly tired right now, so pardon me if I babble and/or ramble.

I've come to the point, in my therapy with my psychologyst, that we've been discussing me being a "people-pleaser," and my need to meet up to peoples expectations constantly. "You need to focus on making YOU happy," he said...and however hedonistic it may sound, it's the truth. I need to not let other peoples idea of me govern my actions...that's kind of why I out and used some of the terminology, speaking about porn and masturbation in a previous post, and commenting on how "it just needs to be said."

I'll cut the crap...I'm sick of being in constant fear of what the future will bring. As with most people with SSA, and most perfectionists, I'm a hugetime micromanager...I had everything planned out (graduation, college, mission, marriage, etc)...and I never left any room for my SSA in there anyway...I just wished it away, I suppose. I figured I'd go on my mission, graduate from college, and then get married, but the dicision of what the hell I'm going to do, and the reprocussions of that have fallen into my lap.

Here are my options that I feel like I'm facing:
1) "Come out," live the lifestyle, get excommunicated, maybe get physically and emotionally 'satisfied,' but really, if I'll be satisfied, who knows...I've never been in a gay relationship....or a straight one for that matter
2) Become the typical "Peter Priesthood" kind of guy that everyone saw me as before the mission...only I'd be constantly living up to other peoples expectations. As of right now, I feel like the reason I'm sticking with the whole "Mormon" thing, is because I know, from my "encyclopedic" knowledge of the gospel, not current faith, that I should, not that I feel it...I don't really feel much of anything right now. I know that I'll come to probibly regret it later in life...but seeing as how I've delved about as far into having a homosexual relationship as I have with having a hetero- one...I really don't have much of any grounds to try to function on experience with either.

I'm supposed to hang out with one of the guys from my SSA support group tonight. He's a really cool guy...but has a bit of a rocky past...I'll just suffice to say, for the present, that he's ben excommunicated due to things that've happened within the past few years with SSA. I'm kind of concerned about this whole thing,'s probibly my hypochondria poking through, but my conscious is saying "what if one of you tries to pull something?" I know for a fact that I wouldn't be ballsy enough to do anything, and he's married with kids...the chances are miniscule...but it still doesn't detract from the inkling that something could happen. He's quite a nice, attractive, easy to relate to guy...maybe that's part of the root of my concerns.