Running from the Sun
So I don't want to go to sleep...I've been talking with Smurf, and he said don't, so I won't. What else to do? Write a blog.
I want to stop feeling like me...I think I want to be somebody else...I feel like muddy water in a puddle. Or something. I'm confused, and frustrated, and I don't know how to cope with what's been put on my plate. I've been trying to string things up in an orderly manner, but I've found that I'm just tangling things...am I supposed to just take scissors to the cross-stitch I've been constructing? I want to be held. That's what I want. I want strong arms to just hold me, and a strong voice to tell me that everything will be alright...that I'm good enough. That I'm good. I want someone to depend on me at least a little bit...not as much as I am needy, but at least someone to care for...I want to be good enough for someone to love me...And I know I have people who love me...but I guess I'm lonely...I want love...romantically....though I'm terrified of it. In this want for love, I'm terrified of being clinged to. I'm terribly clingy, and I guess as part of hating myself as much as I apparantly do, I hate that part enough to have the dislike projected on others.
I watched Brokeback Mountain. Before you start rolling your eyes, reallize that I had been wanting to watch it. It wasn't a matter of "should I or shouldn't I?" anymore, it was just a matter of how. I saw it, I bawled profusely, and it was extremely cathartic. End of story. I guess I can kind of say that it's scared me out of having any kind of relationship at time present anyway...boyfriend or girlfriend...what if tragedy strikes? I'd be tortured for the remainder of my lifespan...I know it. I just get too emotionally attached.
I wish I could get as cold as some people do. Put up walls...be truly apathetic.
I know I talk about suicide alot...and I know most of you must think me a coward. And I guess, with the dilusion that I'm under, thinking that death would be an escape somehow...that MAYBE God might take pity on me, and somehow I'd find a space in his good graces, even after destroying the life of one of his children...
I meet with my therapist at LDS family services tomorrow (finally!). Supposedly, he was one of the number 1 therapists in dealing with SSA clients within LDS Family Services...but then he retired. Now he's back out of retirement, and in Idaho, and, starting tomorrow, working with me. Hopefully he'll have some advice for my compulsive, self-abusive self-talk...I really have no way of keeping it in control. I reallize that maybe, at first, it was me talking bad to myself because I felt like I deserved some kind of punishment, and now it's escilated into much, much worse. I'm not even sure of that anymore though. There are so many things floating around in my head that I'm not sure if they're fabrications of my lying-to-myself, or if they're actual factual.
Really, I just need some help coping...and I need someone to hold me...or I don't need someone to hold me, but I feel like it'd be extremely therapitic.
I'm scared about my ecclesiastical endorsement...I phoned my Stake Pres. from back in Oregon, and when I asked if he'd be willing to fill it out, and fax it to the school, he sounded irate, and told me that I needed to talk to my Bishop here (which I have been). The reason I haven't been asking my bishop here about it, is because I've been talking to him about my pornography problems. I know that it completely depends on the Bishop as to whether they'll let you have your endorsement when porn is involved, but I'm trying...and I'm scared of asking him about it. I know I need it in as soon as possible...so I might as well just get ahold of him. I'll make it clear to him how important it is that I stay busy...how important it is that I get back into school.
I'm insecure...I need an emotional brace.