Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Running from the Sun

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So I don't want to go to sleep...I've been talking with Smurf, and he said don't, so I won't. What else to do? Write a blog.

I want to stop feeling like me...I think I want to be somebody else...I feel like muddy water in a puddle. Or something. I'm confused, and frustrated, and I don't know how to cope with what's been put on my plate. I've been trying to string things up in an orderly manner, but I've found that I'm just tangling things...am I supposed to just take scissors to the cross-stitch I've been constructing? I want to be held. That's what I want. I want strong arms to just hold me, and a strong voice to tell me that everything will be alright...that I'm good enough. That I'm good. I want someone to depend on me at least a little bit...not as much as I am needy, but at least someone to care for...I want to be good enough for someone to love me...And I know I have people who love me...but I guess I'm lonely...I want love...romantically....though I'm terrified of it. In this want for love, I'm terrified of being clinged to. I'm terribly clingy, and I guess as part of hating myself as much as I apparantly do, I hate that part enough to have the dislike projected on others.

I watched Brokeback Mountain. Before you start rolling your eyes, reallize that I had been wanting to watch it. It wasn't a matter of "should I or shouldn't I?" anymore, it was just a matter of how. I saw it, I bawled profusely, and it was extremely cathartic. End of story. I guess I can kind of say that it's scared me out of having any kind of relationship at time present anyway...boyfriend or girlfriend...what if tragedy strikes? I'd be tortured for the remainder of my lifespan...I know it. I just get too emotionally attached.

I wish I could get as cold as some people do. Put up walls...be truly apathetic.

I know I talk about suicide alot...and I know most of you must think me a coward. And I guess, with the dilusion that I'm under, thinking that death would be an escape somehow...that MAYBE God might take pity on me, and somehow I'd find a space in his good graces, even after destroying the life of one of his children...

I meet with my therapist at LDS family services tomorrow (finally!). Supposedly, he was one of the number 1 therapists in dealing with SSA clients within LDS Family Services...but then he retired. Now he's back out of retirement, and in Idaho, and, starting tomorrow, working with me. Hopefully he'll have some advice for my compulsive, self-abusive self-talk...I really have no way of keeping it in control. I reallize that maybe, at first, it was me talking bad to myself because I felt like I deserved some kind of punishment, and now it's escilated into much, much worse. I'm not even sure of that anymore though. There are so many things floating around in my head that I'm not sure if they're fabrications of my lying-to-myself, or if they're actual factual.

Really, I just need some help coping...and I need someone to hold me...or I don't need someone to hold me, but I feel like it'd be extremely therapitic.

I'm scared about my ecclesiastical endorsement...I phoned my Stake Pres. from back in Oregon, and when I asked if he'd be willing to fill it out, and fax it to the school, he sounded irate, and told me that I needed to talk to my Bishop here (which I have been). The reason I haven't been asking my bishop here about it, is because I've been talking to him about my pornography problems. I know that it completely depends on the Bishop as to whether they'll let you have your endorsement when porn is involved, but I'm trying...and I'm scared of asking him about it. I know I need it in as soon as possible...so I might as well just get ahold of him. I'll make it clear to him how important it is that I stay busy...how important it is that I get back into school.

I'm insecure...I need an emotional brace.

Friday, February 24, 2006

SMB In the Know

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So, I don't know what entirely came over me...Mayhaps it's the fact that he's leaving BYU-I in 7 days, maybe the fact that I won't see him again for 2 years (or never again), or myabe the fact that I felt like I could really connect with him, but Shared Major Boy knows that I'm gay now...I tried, multiple times, to push the subject, but ended up getting dodged. He knew I wanted to talk about something...I finally wouldn't let him jump away from it.

"You know how I've talked about having deep emotional issues, right?" I stammered,
"Don't go and tell me you're gay, or something like that..." He replied.


"The fact is, though, that I don't want to be," I tried to sound reassuring.

So now, the kid that I felt most connected to, lately, moreso than distant-roomate, knows too...and he was one of the few people I was concerned about...things are smooth on the exterior. I made it known to him how insecure the whole thing makes me...and how much I want to be "normal," and how I really want him to still be my friend. Call me smother-y, or clingy, but I really can't let this kid get away. He's like my bizarro, only not evil. My doppleganger, without being an actual part of my soul...he's like the brother that I've always wanted.

I guess I'm just insecure, and waiting to see how things boil over, in this next 7 days...and if he ends up writing me/me writing him down in Brazil.

More to come.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Happiness Was Two Kinds of Ice Cream

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I'm scared.

I'm scaRED.

I'M scared of the future. I'm scared that everytime that I've let myself call someone my 'best friend,' that they've run away, or pushed me away, or tried to move without my notice. I'm overemotional...I let myself get attached to men too much.

I don't want to live a celibate life. But I have to...I don't think that, honestly, that I'm ever going to be able to marry...I want happiness, but in the gospel, it's almost been brainwashed into me that that requires a family consisting of a wife and kids as well as a man...My brain knows different...it's just how do you convince your heart, when it says your head is lying...I don't want to continue being depressed, or unhappy...not that happiness will come from homosexual encounters...for me it'll come in self acceptance...self acceptance that I don't know how to even offer to myself...right now, it's only blame blame blame.

I feel horrible that I blame God for this.

I blame God for this.

I blame god for THIS.

I BLAME God for this.

Yes, I know he's the one who allows things to happen to us for a reason...There's a reason.... but even if it's for my education, I'd rather live in ignorance than have to deal with this further...Why do I have to be the one to learn this lesson? Why can't I be normal? I want to be free from this mental cycle of blame upon blame upon blame. I want solace....I want normalcy...I want freedom from codependancy, and from emotion.

I miss the days when happiness was 2 kinds of ice cream, or getting to play the xylophone in music class, or opening a brand new 12 pack of crayons.

Can I catch fireflies, and have that be enough? Can I go back to the days of thinking that my conscience was really a cricket? or thinking that rubbing a magic lamp could bring me three wishes? I wish that I thought that the four winds were really giant clouds with the faces of men, constantly billowing and blowing from over the horizon, hidden from my eyes, but visable to whomever it was that drew all those maps.

Paper stars on cielings aren't the real night sky...but when I try to look at the black expanse, clouds come in for cover...the sky knows that I don't belong out there...what can I do?

Who are you to blame when you're not really who you are?

That aside, I had a very un-depressed weekend with El Veneno, Pinetree, and Smurf. Down in Provo, it's so comfortable...I have people to relate to. I can say one word, look in somoene's eyes, and they understand my soul in its entirity. Those of you who made this weekend magical, I thank you, and owe you part of my life.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Will I Ever Reallize That It's Going to Hurt Tomorrow?

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I ended up doing the whole thing over again last night. And tonight. Porn followed by masturbation. There's obviously something not right, and at the same time, I've got some ground to stomp around on. I went a week. No porn, no masturbation. Cool. I started writing in a journal again. Cool. I reallized that when I write in a journal of some kind, I end up messing up less...so I decided to put that to use...but the tension kept on building, as only tension of the sexual kind can...and last night, after I had gone a week and a day, kaput. And what did I have this morning? Disdain for myself. What'll I get tomorrow? The same. I hope that I never grind myself down to the point where I just don't care about this, because I feel that it's something that DOES need to be cared about.

Someone's alarm clock is going off...and it's really annoying. I hate the sound of digital alarm clocks...they pull me from sleep, and they hurt.

I really had no reason to be stupid tonight...I didn't have mounting tensions. I had been kind of mad at myself this morning, but I ended up going to work for 8 hours, and I was fine there. Not a sexual or homosexual thought, for that matter, crossed through my mind. I come home to find Shared Major Boy waiting for me (we've been hanging out quite a bit over the past 3 days, and I'm so happy to have a hetero friend who's just fun to be around), we hung out for about 1/2 an hour, and then he went home...roomates went to sleep, and I went to pornin'. I had saved a file on my computer...a video, I'll just suffice to say that much...I knew it was there, and went back to look at it again. "Eh, I just saw gay porn, I might as well finish the job," my mind said to its self...ludacris, I know...I'm not a rational thinker in the the heat of the moment, I guess.

Something can't be right though...Yes, I know the stuff is supposed to be more addictive than crack, but I should have more willpower than this, shouldn't I? Yes, I'm human, but I should be better than this. I don't want any "aww, poor baby, you just need to be easier on yourself" right now...right now, it hasn't fully struck me that I've just oggled someone's sons sodomizing eachother, and got off to it. Okay, that kind of was a blow to my ego right there, and I DO kind of feel it a bit now. Hah. Go guilt.

I have a meeting with my new therapist through LDS family services this Thursday. Apparantly the therapist is a female...that'll be interesting. The woman who I talked to at the desk said that she specialized in the area of SSA. Let's hope she can help with pornography as well...I don't want to say I'm an "addict," but these all sure are signs of an addiction...great. Now I'm gay, AND I'm addicted to porn...and I masturbate without really having a lobido either, due to the medications I'm on...I'm just a regular saint, now aren't I?

I DO feel sore about one thing.......thoughts...fantasies while I was there, doing my duty...one poor boy's face, who doesn't belong there, kept on popping into my head. I hate this...he's too good for me to be thinking like this about him...maybe that'll stop me from fantasizing about him in the future....I mean, initially it WAS something I wanted, but I've come to know him, and he's no longer a piece of meat. He's got a personality and I care about him...

Interesting thought.

Those that I care about, I don't want to get sexually involved with in any fashion, be it fantasizing, or the actual debaucherous act...that could prove helpful in dodging any possible future gay relationships...I just need to get myself to care about any guys that I find myself attracted to...hopefully that'll quell any urges.

Gosh, I'm rational.

It's 4 am...I am supposed to go work out tomorrow morning...and I'm just throwing my own little pitty party here, and not inviting anyone else, because its my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Maybe working out will drain me so much that as soon as I get home from work at midnight, I'll just lay head down on pillow.

I miss my best friend, my roomate. He's sleeping in our room right now. I didn't see him at all today.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Playing on my Insecurities

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Sorry it's been forever since I've written. I need to reallize that this is one of the only ways some of you have to know how I'm doing, and my lack of posting could mean my dropping off the face of the earth...so I live! I've just been busy being insecure, and getting 2 jobs, etc.

First thing first...my dream last night. I blame this partially on me forgetting to take my meds...so my insecurities were played upon by my unconscious. I was back at my homeward, in my dream, and I was asked to play my song that I've been working on (which is wierd that I accepted, because it is completely un-churchy, and completely unfishinsed and unpolished). Anyway, for some reason I agreed, and was rocking it up on the piano and guitar (which is odd, because I don't play piano). I got past the first few lines of the first verse, and the adolescents in the audience started singing...could have been cool, other than the fact that it WASN'T MY SONG THAT THEY WERE SINGING. Apparantly my song sounded akin to somecrap that had been on the radio, and all the kids had been gobbling it up like turkey with cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving. Thank you obesity. This act completely screwed me up...I FORGOT my song. I couldn't sing it anymore...it was gone. This alone was enough to make me pretty much want to die. That song is like my soul, screaming aloud. It's one of my ways to communicate my emotions and true feelings, about SSA, about insecurities, etc, without people looking at me funny.

So I forgot my song. I ran out...I was depressed in my dream already. I had, apparantly, brought my best friend (and roomate), the one who I had been feeling insecure (for no valid reason) about him taking off on me...well...I wanted to leave, and go home. But he refused to go with me (catching where this is going?), and before I know it, he had disappeared. I went out to my car, and just felt like crap for a little while...best-friend-less, and aloneish. I had my guitar with me. I tried starting my car, but no dice. So I had to ride home with my mom in the van, but we couldn't fit my guitar.

Once we got back to my parents' house, I wanted to go and pick up my guitar, because I pretty much can't live without that thing, and NOBODY WOULD TAKE ME. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that was HORRIBLE. My guitar is like an extension of myself. Nobody would. Depressed. Next day I asked my sister to take me. She refused. She was more concerned with seeing me do a wall-flip, and going to work. Some of her friends told me that if I payed for their groceries, theyw ould take me. At this point, I really didn't care, I just needed my baby back, so they took me driving all around town, everywhere else except for near the church, my car, and my beloved guitar. Roomate was still nowhere in sight...I assume he had gone back home home. Here to Rexburg.

Pretty much my dream was my brain torturing me, and playing on my insecurities, thus making my internal conflict worse...I reallize that not only do I hate myself in my conscious, but my SUBCONSCIOUS hates me too. Oohdelally, what a day. I reallize that it was just a dream, but for me, dreams are my escape. Sleep is what I use to escape the real world when things get too rough...and once again, I can't escape there for fear of being tormented.

I got that job at the movie theater. I'm the projectionist. Cool. Part of my dream last night involved getting fired from this job, and having to go by my OLD place of employment, where I quit because my psycho feminazzi boss screamed at me, and made me feel like refuse. Anyway, I really have no clue what hours I work this week, and I have to call in at 1pm to find out my hours.

I just took my medication, but it won't catch up with me until later today if at all...merf.

This past week, my insecurites have been getting the best of me. I'm terrified that roomate is going to bolt on me, when that's completely NOT in his character. I'm afraid he's going to move away, and never keep in contact. He might just do that moving away thing. They say that the friends you have in college are the friends you keep for the rest of your life...dear God, I hope I don't get sacked by this kid. I love him too much.

Shared-Major-Boy and I FINALLY hung out last night, and he was over from about 9pm to 3:30am. Not that I'm really that interesting, but we had a good goood time. He's completely NOT gay at all, and that's SO good. He makes me feel completely more heterosexual when I hang out with him, and that's good...all his "that's so gay," comments aside. Hanging out with him makes me completely crush on him so much less, and that's a GOOD thing in my opinion. We're supposed to hang out lots lots lots before he takes off for his mission in 28 days. Too bad when I make a friend that I have THIS much in common with, he's gotta take off in less than a month. Oh well.

I JUST woke up, and I need food, as I was starving when I went to bed last night.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

My Mouth is Dry....

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I've reallized how degrading pornography was in the past...and I've just come to reallize it yet again. 3:11am...I just threw these past 3-ish weeks down the drain. I know, you might be saying "no, you didn't throw them down the drain," but that's how it feels...I just indulged in a pornbath, and then the big nasty "M." Blargle...Masturbation...there, I said it...one of the most disgusting words in my vocabulary...in conversation, I try to specifically use the M word bcause it disgusts me so much....not that I try to bring it up in conversation frequently.

So...I don't feel the entirety of my guilt just yet...I know come tomorrow morning, I'll want to lay myself under one of my roomate's cars, and hope they back over me, while suffering in the bitter cold...I can't stand myself at present, but I know that this is just the first course in an 8-course meal of guilt and shame to come tomorrow morning...now I just feel more angry at myself than depressed....that'll come tomorrow.

I don't want to face any mormons tomorrow...not my roomates, not anyone in my ward...I'll just rot in my bed...they'll all see through my lies...see that I feel just about as bad as a child-molestor must feel...or SHOULD feel...and It's odd somehow...somehow, non-mormons aren't so hard to handle...when I know there are many many non-LDS people out there far more chaste and moral than me, and most mormons I know...but somehow it's just easier to face THEM instead...too bad I'm in Ice-Berg Idaho. I guess mormons, to me, just seem so...higher-up. Even with their problems...even if someone has been disfellowshipped, I could still think FAR more of them than I could EVER think of myself...don't ask why, I dont know.

I'm demorallized to think that that was someone's SON that I was watching...oggling someone else's bits for my own enjoyment, when I reallize that he calls someone "father" and worse yet, someone "mother."

Here's the way my mind works (and pardon all the bouncing around...I'm just typing as I think). I'm obviously not being punished enough for being a gay, masurbator, porn-looker-atter, because I haven't been struck by lightning...I haven't been hit by a bus, or had my limbs removed or something...God hasn't really punished me for it all...and so, I feel that the need to somehow find a worse way to punish myself is requisite...that's one reason, I'm sure, for my depression...but honestly....right now? Life needs to pull a Donnie Darko, and crash a plane engine into my house, and take me out, because I feel like that much rubbish.

I can't wrap my head around the prospect of being emotionally satisfied by just ONE person...not a girl at least...I can't relate to girls (how ironic, when I'm unhealthily femmie at times?). I also can't stand clingy people...I, myself, happen to be one...and I hate myself for it. Having a guy depend on me as much as I would them? Sweet action...a girl? Eeg, you're clingy!

Mneh....I'll post more, as I'm wollowing in my defeat tomorrow....be certain, it'll happen...2 of my 4 best friends don't read this...and one of which I live with...So I think I'll be fine continuing to lie...and pretend like nothing happened...that, or I'll just have another anxiety attack, and we'll go from there....

My mouth is dry....