Haphazard

i love this photo so bad!

For my english class, one of our assignments is to write a weekly letter to our teacher, and just talk about life, ask questions about assignments etc. Since my letter ended up feeling so much like a blog, I decided to just post it up here out of convenience.

Dear Sister _____,

For lack of a better way to put it...life, the past two weeks has been...haphazard. Things that I thought would remain a constant for me are now coming into question, and without going into any specifics [dating the guy I'm dating, making out alot, fooling around a little bit, and last night, him falling asleep with me on my bed], I'm left with a little bit of a knot in my stomach. I'm uncertain about many things, but more and more I think (and this is an unexpected outcome of my experiences), the gospel seems to remain a beacon for me, in some form or another.

I've always been the one to question things...and when it comes to the "blind obedience" so often seen within the church (not necessarily the Gospel); I've always been one to question. People who continued to "fake it until you make it" have been under an eye of scrutiny, coming from my direction. Sheep...cookie cutters...mollies and peter priesthoods...I know they're not the nicest things to call people, but I did, and at times, still do. All people have inherent value, but I think I, in a way, placed them just a hair lower than the free thinkers and people who questioned authority.

My current feeling however is this; they’re still doing what's right. Over the past two weeks, I guess I could have gotten myself into some hot water (once again, no specifics), and my outlook on the Church had been kind of grim. I believed the Gospel to be true, but had a constant trouble with the PEOPLE in the church...sermons given over the pulpit, hurtful, inconsiderate words spat from the mouths of peers and priesthood leaders. Yes, I believed that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the closest thing that the world had to the truth, but for me, it wasn't all the truth there was to be had. The organization, in my eyes, was still flawed by the men and women who were charged with it's running...but here I am...in a time where I've come close to hitting rock bottom, I feel the pull of church influence reaching out to me, not in condescension, as I'd seen so many times before, but in love.

I work at the Copy Spot in the library. Today a group of EFY counselors came in to make copies, print things etc. When I was a teenager, I couldn't WAIT to be an EFY counselor...then I came home from my mission, and wanted to be as far from that silly idea as possible...but when these people came in here today (I'm actually typing this while at work; it's boringly slow right now), I couldn't help but think "wow...maybe that would be fun to do..." Then I sat to think "maybe these people really ARE happy?” I don’t know if I’d say that I think that, as a general statement, people who are “blind believers” are unhappy, but it just seemed to me to be so for a number of them. Not restricting myself in thought has been liberating…but now it almost seems a shackle.

So now here I am…contemplating actually going to all 3 hours of church on Sunday. Contemplating reading my scriptures everyday – not because I should, but because, for the first time in a LONG time I actually kind of want to.

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Don't you love it when your life gets just a little bit more confusing, but you find that you're not angry about it?

I Don't Know What All You can Save Me From...

I've pretty much let this blog die...I'm sure the blogging Gods are hurling lightning bolts my way as I type. Maybe I can bring it back from the dead...I know I haven't read anybody else's blog in ages...to be honest, I've been scared to. So many people's relationships crumbled at the same time as mine...I'm scared to see some get back together, but most of all, I think I'm terrified to see people move on. Misery loves company...

I said I was okay...I guess I am. I'm okay. I'm not great...I'm clinging to okay...that's what I am. Life has gotten a little bit better, I won't deny that...but I'm rife with hangups from the past that are still tugging at me.

I've chewed and swallowed a large chunk of my self hate. I'm gay. I'm to terms with that. I won't get married to a woman. I'm to terms with that, I think, for now. I'm practically only going to church the spotty few times I am because I want to keep going to school here. Lousy reason, I know, but that's what my excuse is, and I'm not terribly ashamed of it. I'm fucking human...I'm closer to terms with that than I think I ever have been - and I think it's my coming to grips with my humanity that has made me more "okay" with myself and everything than any other factor. God made us - humans - and NONE of us are perfect...we are supposed to be our best selves...I'm working with that.

I love the Gospel...I have an impossible time swallowing the "Mormon" pill though. I have faith in God, I have hope in a Christ, and I believe that the LDS church is the closest thing that the world has to truth right now...I'm wanting to believe, but what I believed before, or crammed down my own throat in wants to believe in SOMETHING, have kind of been regurgitated, and require inspection.

I'm past blind obedience. Life is too short not to question things. We're humans for a reasons. We have brains for a reason. Following laws and doctrines to the best of our ability is what we are here to do...that doesn't mean we have to do them without thinking first. There are many doctrines of the church that I cherrish, and some that are close to impossible for me...and I know it sounds like a cop out, and hell, maybe it is a little bit of one, but remaining vurtuous and chaste, in the Gospel sense, isn't something I'm sure I can uphold for my whole life...and now I sound like I'm going to hell. (and now i feel like there are about five of you just rolling your eyes and saying "there he goes," and I'm sorry for that, but....I need to love me...this is the best I can do right now)

The thought has been fluttering in and out of my mind, lately - should I keep wearing garments? I love what they represent, but I'm not confident in my ability to uphold those covenants...am I making a mockery of the Gospel by continuing to wear them?

Dating kind of bites. I had him...my him. I felt like I could spend a forever with him, and I would have been willing if he would have asked me for it...then I lost him...he took a higher road than I could handle, and I respect him SO much for that...I'm just terrified that he'll be lonely...I refuse to see him lonely and unhappy...I guess that's why I feel like I'd take him back in a heartbeat if ever he asked me...I don't want to seem like an easy target, but that's just how much I love, and am IN love with him. I've tried dating two guys since...well, kind of dating. The first one I refused to lead the boy on. He was staggeringly nice, extremely sweet but he just...he didn't compare. And the guy I'm seeing now...I'm terrified that he isn't nearly comparable. Am I voraciously picky? Do I just know what I want? I guess in this situation I'm kind of a sucker for a pretty face, and nice actions, but...the boy lacks the wit and intelligent conversation potential that my Knight carried...he doesn't read books often...he isn't in love with travel, he doesn't speak any foreign languages, he's never loved soil other than our own...he isn't as much of a man.

What is a man...sure it's "Manly" to be muscular, and strong...I'm not sure if I had more muscle mass than Knight, I very well may have weighed more than he did, but that's not what I cared about. Knight didn't have the most gorgeous face I've ever seen...but it WAS the most gorgeous face I've ever seen. It was perfect, and if I were to go blind, having that be the last thing I saw, I think I would be contented...he had the only that I truly long to curl up beside on a cold night, and know that I could recieve warmth from it.

He was the only person that I've let myself trust...the only one I've been ABLE to let myself trust. I'd trust him with any secret, any idea, any passion...I trusted him enough to, in time, let him love me...and make love.

And now that I've severely aggrevated one or more reader with my past hangups on someone that I don't think I will ever stop being in love with, I'll try to find some other topic to talk about.

Last term was hectic. This term has been, so far, forgetful - I've forgotten what time classes have started, I've forgotten counselling apointments and I've nearly forgotten work (I have a job at one of the copy places here on campus now...yay). Books took a tax on what small money I was making last term, but this new position will help with cashflow, I'm sure.

Being carless is stifling. I've finally met more "family" here in Rexburg...some have hated me (which I snickered at), and some have become great friends. I've found that my true friends will look past the disappointments that I give them, and that other people are backstabbers. I've had people get entertainment at my expense, I've had extreme anxiety about others in league with backstabbers, and I've wanted to cry but haven't been able to. I remember what it is to hate one person....only one. And I hate her more than I think I've ever hated a jock or preppie in high school...I hate her music, and I hate her fashion...I hate that, in order to get other people's attention, she has to resort to making fun of people, myself a prime example.

I hate one of my roomates - a totalitarian dictator in training. I wouldn't be too sad if he got hit by a car. I'm going to be sad to see one of my other roomates move out at the end of the semester.

More people know about me...I think I'm less and less of a secret, and more and more of a token gay friend...I'm not cool with that. I have to be up in 6 and a half hours, so I think I'll retire. I'm going to try to post more here later.

I need to remember that this is MY blog...I can't be ruled by what I think some readers' opinions will be because of my actions. My life is my life to live, and it's too short to live it regretting what I haven't done. I am my own person, and damn anyone for thinking less of me for being human.

Goodnight.