Haphazard

i love this photo so bad!

For my english class, one of our assignments is to write a weekly letter to our teacher, and just talk about life, ask questions about assignments etc. Since my letter ended up feeling so much like a blog, I decided to just post it up here out of convenience.

Dear Sister _____,

For lack of a better way to put it...life, the past two weeks has been...haphazard. Things that I thought would remain a constant for me are now coming into question, and without going into any specifics [dating the guy I'm dating, making out alot, fooling around a little bit, and last night, him falling asleep with me on my bed], I'm left with a little bit of a knot in my stomach. I'm uncertain about many things, but more and more I think (and this is an unexpected outcome of my experiences), the gospel seems to remain a beacon for me, in some form or another.

I've always been the one to question things...and when it comes to the "blind obedience" so often seen within the church (not necessarily the Gospel); I've always been one to question. People who continued to "fake it until you make it" have been under an eye of scrutiny, coming from my direction. Sheep...cookie cutters...mollies and peter priesthoods...I know they're not the nicest things to call people, but I did, and at times, still do. All people have inherent value, but I think I, in a way, placed them just a hair lower than the free thinkers and people who questioned authority.

My current feeling however is this; they’re still doing what's right. Over the past two weeks, I guess I could have gotten myself into some hot water (once again, no specifics), and my outlook on the Church had been kind of grim. I believed the Gospel to be true, but had a constant trouble with the PEOPLE in the church...sermons given over the pulpit, hurtful, inconsiderate words spat from the mouths of peers and priesthood leaders. Yes, I believed that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the closest thing that the world had to the truth, but for me, it wasn't all the truth there was to be had. The organization, in my eyes, was still flawed by the men and women who were charged with it's running...but here I am...in a time where I've come close to hitting rock bottom, I feel the pull of church influence reaching out to me, not in condescension, as I'd seen so many times before, but in love.

I work at the Copy Spot in the library. Today a group of EFY counselors came in to make copies, print things etc. When I was a teenager, I couldn't WAIT to be an EFY counselor...then I came home from my mission, and wanted to be as far from that silly idea as possible...but when these people came in here today (I'm actually typing this while at work; it's boringly slow right now), I couldn't help but think "wow...maybe that would be fun to do..." Then I sat to think "maybe these people really ARE happy?” I don’t know if I’d say that I think that, as a general statement, people who are “blind believers” are unhappy, but it just seemed to me to be so for a number of them. Not restricting myself in thought has been liberating…but now it almost seems a shackle.

So now here I am…contemplating actually going to all 3 hours of church on Sunday. Contemplating reading my scriptures everyday – not because I should, but because, for the first time in a LONG time I actually kind of want to.

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Don't you love it when your life gets just a little bit more confusing, but you find that you're not angry about it?