Once Again, I Get the Shaft
I totalled my car last night. Damn me for driving fast. Damn me for driving fast with someone else in the car too. I was going probably around 70something on 35mph turns in a backwater Oregon town, and this is my payment. If only we would have driven around and listened to music in HIS car instead, I wouldn't be kicking myself in the balls. So car=gone. My personal icon of independence and livelyhood are sitting in my parents' driveway, with the back smashed in. I really just wanted him there with me, after the crash, waiting for the tow truck. His arms would have made everything okay for the time being, anyway. And knowing him, he would have been wearing a really nice sweatshirt, and it would have kept me warmer too. I could see my breath, I think.
The cop that found us was really nice, and let us keep warm in the cab of his cop car while we waited for the tow truck. He smoked. I like that about him. He was a cop, and he smoked, and he was nice. The other was condescending and lived kitty-corner to my house. I don't like him. The tow-truck operator was kind of a punk too, but at least he did something constructive and pulled my car out. Condescending cop # 2 knocked on the door of my parents' house, trying to wake up somebody after I had called more than 15 times, to no avail. Mom just didnt' wake up until I walked into her room. I cried....or tried to, last night. I felt bad...but I guess not as bad as I felt this morning. I was really hoping that it would all have been a bad dream, but it wasn't. Please let this all have been a bad dream. Mom felt prompted that I should go with her up to the temple this morning, after I told her last night. I conceded and figured "what harm can it do? I already feel like a hypocrite and a failure, at least the pretty scenery will give me some time to cool off and try to mellow out.
I had "the talk" with Mom this morning before we went to the temple. I'm so sick of crying. I told her how I feel about life right now: that I'm walking on a knife-edge, and I'm damned if I fall either way.
Right now/knife edge=living celibate...not getting in trouble...only problem is that I feel like I'm really walking the figurative knife...and my feet are cut so badly. I fall to the left, and I live the lifestyle. Maybe I'm damned for eternity for rejecting the gospel, and maybe I actually end up miserable in this life...but from the experience I've had in the past year, going towards that side is the only relief I've had from this blatant self-hatred. To my left is continuing to "fake it" but I won't "make it," I don't feel. If I keep on grinding myself against the wall that is the church, looking for some hole to squeeze through and find my salvation, I'm going to grind myself to paste before finding anything. And by grinding myself to paste, I mean killing myself.
So it's spiritual death, or physical death...and we only live once. There's not point to living miserably...right? I suppose I could try to live "happy," but I never really know how over the guilt I'd entirely be able to get. That, and the eternal "what if's." Then what if I end up killing myself. I know, I know, cop out. Thing is, I'm scared of effecting more people negatively. I'm scared of the negative influence or affect that I have on anything. I don't want to damage anythign else. It might sound like it's ridiculous, but you know how it's not considered murder if it's in war? Or how it's murder to shed "innocent blood?" I don't see myself as innocent blood. Sure my homosexuallity isn't something that I picked, but I feel like it's made me tarnished...impure and imperfectable. I'm hoping that when I do die, I'll be able to fall down at God's feet, and just cry, and hope that I'm enough...hope that I'll be able to be raised up, and hugged, and told "yes, you did well. You're enough, now take some rest. You've done enough." I guess I'm hoping there'll be some sort of grace for my huge faults. I can hope.
The cop that found us was really nice, and let us keep warm in the cab of his cop car while we waited for the tow truck. He smoked. I like that about him. He was a cop, and he smoked, and he was nice. The other was condescending and lived kitty-corner to my house. I don't like him. The tow-truck operator was kind of a punk too, but at least he did something constructive and pulled my car out. Condescending cop # 2 knocked on the door of my parents' house, trying to wake up somebody after I had called more than 15 times, to no avail. Mom just didnt' wake up until I walked into her room. I cried....or tried to, last night. I felt bad...but I guess not as bad as I felt this morning. I was really hoping that it would all have been a bad dream, but it wasn't. Please let this all have been a bad dream. Mom felt prompted that I should go with her up to the temple this morning, after I told her last night. I conceded and figured "what harm can it do? I already feel like a hypocrite and a failure, at least the pretty scenery will give me some time to cool off and try to mellow out.
I had "the talk" with Mom this morning before we went to the temple. I'm so sick of crying. I told her how I feel about life right now: that I'm walking on a knife-edge, and I'm damned if I fall either way.
Right now/knife edge=living celibate...not getting in trouble...only problem is that I feel like I'm really walking the figurative knife...and my feet are cut so badly. I fall to the left, and I live the lifestyle. Maybe I'm damned for eternity for rejecting the gospel, and maybe I actually end up miserable in this life...but from the experience I've had in the past year, going towards that side is the only relief I've had from this blatant self-hatred. To my left is continuing to "fake it" but I won't "make it," I don't feel. If I keep on grinding myself against the wall that is the church, looking for some hole to squeeze through and find my salvation, I'm going to grind myself to paste before finding anything. And by grinding myself to paste, I mean killing myself.
So it's spiritual death, or physical death...and we only live once. There's not point to living miserably...right? I suppose I could try to live "happy," but I never really know how over the guilt I'd entirely be able to get. That, and the eternal "what if's." Then what if I end up killing myself. I know, I know, cop out. Thing is, I'm scared of effecting more people negatively. I'm scared of the negative influence or affect that I have on anything. I don't want to damage anythign else. It might sound like it's ridiculous, but you know how it's not considered murder if it's in war? Or how it's murder to shed "innocent blood?" I don't see myself as innocent blood. Sure my homosexuallity isn't something that I picked, but I feel like it's made me tarnished...impure and imperfectable. I'm hoping that when I do die, I'll be able to fall down at God's feet, and just cry, and hope that I'm enough...hope that I'll be able to be raised up, and hugged, and told "yes, you did well. You're enough, now take some rest. You've done enough." I guess I'm hoping there'll be some sort of grace for my huge faults. I can hope.
posted by Peculiar 'Mormon' at 6:02 PM
5 Comments:
I'm very sorry to hear about your car. That bites. On the bright side, you're alive and well. You can't change what happened and live life on "what ifs." You just have to accept what is and move forward. Glad to hear the one cop was nice.
Don't feel like a hypocrite or a failure. It's so easy to fall into that trap. I'm sure you're a perfectly good person in spite of your perceived failings. Remember, God put us on this earth knowing we would have failings and foibles. Otherwise we wouldn't need Jesus Christ at all, would we?
I understand the walk on the figurative knife you allude to. But I also know that God loves you and me very much and that any mistakes we make are ours to make and ours to learn from and that God is loving and merciful. He knows exactly what you're going through and how difficult it is. I also don't think life is really as black and white as it sometimes appears. And sometimes I wonder if giving in is better for us in the long run than living a life of confusion. I got past self-loathing a long time ago. I know God loves me no matter what I do and have even felt impressed lately that it may be better for me to give in to these feelings and learn what I learn from them, whether good or bad, than to live life in limbo.
Remember, God knows who you are and He knows your heart and He will love you no matter what you do.
One thing I do know: killing yourself is and never will be the answer. I remember in high school we were studying the play The Crucible. I haven't read it in a while, but I think the jist was that a character was going to die for a crime he did not commit, and we were talking about whether his death was noble or not, and the point was brought up that regardless of any failings or mistakes you make, you can't do any good in the world if you're dead. At least if you're alive you can have a positive impact on those around you. If you're dead, what good are you to the living?
I've always thought that if I give in to my homosexual feelings, even if they turn out to be wrong, I can still do much good in the world, and I know God will take that into account.
Don't let your homosexuality make you feel tarnished or impure. It's a part of you, and whether or not you choose to act on it, you are a good person who can still do good things for yourself and others around you.
You are not a failure. I assure you of that. I may not know you, but I am absolutely sure of that. It may feel that way at times, but you are good and have many great qualities. After all, you are God's son. And whether or not you feel worthy of that, it still remains true, and your Father loves you. Just think of all the imperfect people that love us in spite of our failings. So just imagine how much you're Father, who is perfect, must love and support you. Don't let your perceived notions of yourself drag you down. God sees your heart, and you have a good, godly heart.
Here's wishing you strength through tough times.
03 May, 2006 01:24
You Have Done Enough. And If you Ever need someone from the church who is just waiting for the revelations on homosexuality to come (Did you know the prophet nor the apostles have NEVER asked GOD if Homosexuality is wrong... they just assume it cause it's in the bible, I wonder if this is not liken unto the Blacks and such and being allowed to go to China on Missions...) at anyrate... Salvation is there for ALL of us, and wherever you end up in the eternities, one thing is sure and fact: YOU WILL BE HAPPY. no matter what. So, live, love, cry and don't fret, cause no matter what, God loves you... and always will, people are people and as you and I both know, they are not as wonderful as god.
Which got me off subject, if you ever need an LDS (ack! I'm a girl! Nooo!) Girl who happens to be GSA president at her school who is ALWAYS willing to talk to you... no matter the time, you know my e-mail, and if you've forgotten, it's Living_In_Intelectual_Stupidity@hotmail.com ... so... chat it up with me... Cause I'm here, and you know what... I Heart ya bro... I may have been a total jerkface in the past but I REALLY wanna make it up to you in the now... okay? okay. Take Care!
The One And Only AllyKat
03 May, 2006 21:29
Wow, I'm sorry to hear about the car crash, too. I don't know why it is that things like that tend to happen when they are hardest to deal with, but it's always seemed to me that they do.
About the religious issues you're dealing with: I don't think the answers I've worked out for me are necessarily the right ones for you. But I will go so far as to say any process that results in taking significant avoidable risks of harming yourself is one that someone in your position needs to question seriously. LDS culture is full of "grit your teeth and endure to the end" thinking, which is unhelpful and can be frankly dangerous if it feeds into depression and the patterns of thought that go with it. I hope you don't mind if I say that thinking in terms of knife edges with catastrophic alternatives on either side is something that comes much too easily when you're depressed.
I'd suggest (and I hope I'm not the only one you're hearing this from) challenging that sort of thinking. Don't accept unlimited demands that you're not healthy enough to handle right now. I'm not saying you should necessarily go out and find a boyfriend, for example, because I don't know if that is right for you. But I am saying you should be thinking in terms of what baggage you can let go of, at least temporarily, in a life or death situation. If that means a boyfriend, or some other "sin" (simple lack of church attendance helped me greatly once), that's still a better choice than running a substantial risk of suicide. Church culture loves absolutist black-and-white positions, and so does the depressed mind. It's not a good combination.
There may be some official disapproval, but stay safe, get mentally healthy, and you can deal with the non life-or-death issues in the many years to come. Spend some mental energy on re-assessing the apparently non-negotiable demands in your life, and remember you are the one in the best position to decide what's not ok for you right now, and the only one really entitled to do it.
I hope this is at least somewhat helpful...it's hard to put exactly what I wanted to say into words. Good luck, and keep blogging!
04 May, 2006 00:24
Hey bro. I stumbled across this by clicking links in searches, and then going there, and linking here, and screw it... I really don't know how I found this, but I just want to hug you and hold you and cry with you.
We are so the same. Feel free to email me colbyjackcheez3@yahoo.com
and talk more. I know your world so well.
17 May, 2006 18:31
Good job in taking classes during the spring! now i dont feel like im the only NERD that is taking classes at this time!:P S
19 May, 2006 01:48
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