And Now I Reallize Why

I'm talking to a friend online, and, just now, I think I understand part of my self loathing better. Why it is that I hate myself as much as I do.

Probably around the age of 8 is when I learned that homosexuallity is an 'abomination against God and nature.'

I had reallized in the year beforehand, 1st grade, that I was attracted to boys, not girls. There was one boy on the playground who was specifically attractive. Auburn hair that was just so cool, green eyes, those flannel shirts that were all the craze back in my gradeschool days. He just looked good. I almost want to say he looked cooler than I think he was cute, but at the time, I thought he was cute.

I've had it driven into my head for 12+ years that 'you like boys, so you're evil.' I haven't known anything else...other than the fact that I am an evil being, unilke the other boys, because of this thing that I've got. And I consider it like that. Something that I've got. It's not a trial, it's like a disease I've contracted.

And I guess that's part of what makes this so rough. I'm sick, I'm unwell...so why isn't God healing me? Making me better? Do I have to be perfect in order for him to make me okay again? I just hope that if I were able to be perfect, he'd take this all away. That's why I tried to go on a mission. I thought it would help me...thought it would make me more of a perfect and complete person. Instead, it only broke me.

I've been musing more and more on the idea of a homosexual relationship...and I'm reallizing more and more just how much it wouldn't work, statistically, in the long-run. So many just don't make it...so many relationships that wash down the drain, and fail. Far too many cases of infidelity for me to feel secure in it. How much it would brake my heart to find out that whomever I was in love with, and had made love with, had been unfaithful.

But on the other hand, relationships with girls have never worked out for me. It comes down, unconsciously, to my hating women. My mother was never courageous enough to stop my father from talking down to me, or keep my father from being emotionally abusive. It was only after he had gone that she'd console me, but never reprimand him. I hated her for that. I guess part of me still does. As a direct, or indirect, result of her actions, I felt like women were needing to be taken care of, and protected, not viewed as strong individuals themselves.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't. Go gay - be potentially spiritually miserable for all of eternity. Try to continue dating women and eventually get married - and I'm un-gratified in this life...and you only live once. We're supposed to have joy on this Earth, right? Then why should I go and get married, feel like I'm living a lie. I'd be even MORE of a hypocrite then, than I feel right now.

So what do I do now?


. . . . . . . . .