Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Frustration Analysis

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I will NOT let myself get overturned by my want to be angry right now...my rationale for anger is slightly pertinent, but then so is the opposition. I am NOT a victim, I'm a human being...I am one to act, and I will decide my emotions, not let them run away with me. Explanation:

I come home...things are fun. I have a fun night with my sister and some of her friends the first night. Second night, I sleep at my parent's house. Dad tries to strike up an argument come night 2 at my parents' abode, but I go through the same relaxing cycles that I'm trying to do right now, and, while I would have gotten angry under any other circumstance, I managed to not let myself get so. Tonight is night 3. My sister, who I hung out with on night 0 (since it was before my parents' house), called me and asked, it felt like expecting, me to drive up to Portland, and pick her up, and bring her back, all amidst eminent rush-hour traffic. I agreed, and my mom let me use the gas card she's going to let me borrow to put like...$15 of gas in the car. I drive to PDX, get my sister, and drive her back. As we pull into our little town "I want to go see if Allison is working," she says. Whatever...I can do that. Previously today I had received a phone call from Brett, no voice mail, so I've been trying to contact him all day. Sister's excuse for coming down south to my parents' house was so she could "Spend more time with us since she didn't have work today or tomorrow." Riiight....

So we get home, and she immediately asks if she can use my computer (there's a perfectly suitable laptop downstairs, but), I oblige her...again. "Just check your email though, I'm going to be right back after I eat, and I want to use my computer," I say. "Okay, thanks, Daaaad," she retorts sarcastically. I'm not going to let it get to me at this point though, remember?

I come back from eating, and she says "Mom wants us to go see *LITTLE BROTHER* down at the coffee shop (where he works). "I've already had coffee once today, driving up to get you," I said...I didn't want more coffee. "Well, then I'll go to see him," she said. "And use your car," she throws in there, sideways. "I've got plans tonight," I tell her. It's true! Brett and I were going to get together and possibly work on something for my portfolio, or I was going to go see friends in the next town over that I haven't seen in almost a year. "Well, I talked to Mom, asked her if I could borrow your car, and she said 'you mean our car.' It's not HIS car."

This pisses me off at 2 levels. 1) This is one of those behaviors that my dad used to do unhealthily often; Hang the fact that THEY had provided me with something that I value alot, and then say "no no no! It's OURS! We're just LETTING you use it! (you have to beg for it when you're at home, because when you're here, you're not an adult!)" Second, is the fact that my sister mentioned it, almost as if to rub it in my face. Heaven knows if she did it because she knew it'd anger me more, but it was said, and it definitely rubbed me in the exact wrong direction.

So here I am...this is the kind of thing that, say, 4 months prior, would have gotten me wound up like a spring, but I'm trying my hardest to just sit and relax, and wait it out...I really need to stop stewing about it, but I figured "Hell...I've got a blog, I'll get my feelings out in text, and maybe it'll leave me easier." So far, the cathartic effects of expressing myself are good, but I've still got a bit of pent up anger in my chest...it's the kind of anger that I know TOTALLY isn't good to keep around...it's from the same branch as my "holding a grudge" anger...I've never been one who had an easy time just letting things slide...I've been doing so good at it lately, and part of me just really wants to go off the handle...so bad. I won't, but I want to.

Above all else, I'm conscious of all of this now. I'm conscious of what it is, specifically, that's got me so bent, and that knowledge is stopping me from acting rashly or over-sensitively or out of desperation. It is in THIS that I have grown over the past few months. I'm more comfortable being human, but with that has come...not more tolerance, but more patience...yeah, that's got to be it. The awareness of the situation is also an extremely good thing too.

I'm still mad though. Eh...admitting there's a problem is the first step, then there's taking action to stop being angry. My acknowledgment of the issue is the first step and I'm still new at this whole thing, so if I DO vocalize my anger, it won't be without having first analyzed the situation.


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