Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I'd Rather not be Brought Here

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If it comes to the point of having to push off friends, be they gay or straight...I'm going to kill myself instead. I can't betray my friends like that, and just sluff them off.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006


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Life has been mostly nothing but stress for me since last I posted. Stress, and Love. Violence and Fashion. Fusion and Distraction.

To start, the weekend with the one that I love more than any other was fantastic. Cathartic. A bit chaotic in the end, but he makes me a better person, and we're trying to keep things not-too-physical so as to keep ourselves out of trouble. We both want to make this last, and us ending up having sex, I think, would only put a huge crack in the foundation of our friendship.

After that, though, everything that could go downhill, went downhill.

Let me begin, in bullet points, explaining what has become the biggest Karmic Disaster in the history of Peculiar Mormon:
· I've been working at my job for a month and a half, and still no
· The school denies my application, due to the fact that I didn't have my Bishop's signature AND my Stake President's on it (I assumed that just my stake president's signature was fine enough)
· The construction company working on our roofing rapes the side of my car with their damnable generator, causing a huge scratch in my passenger side door...GUH!
· My ever-receeding bank balance is currently at $19.53. It's already ben charged 2 overdraft feels of $32 due to stupid companies not turning in their bills on time, or whatever the crap they do to get the money off my account...I'm expecting yet another overdraft fee, which will plummet my bank account to $-12.47....and then another overdraft fee will come, and oodelally dolly what a day...I'll be the debtmeister.
· My apartment has been spewing human waste on and off this week....the septic tank or plumming, or something, must have backed up, because there was one and a half (1.5) inches of HUMAN WASTE water on my bathroom floor...TWICE (2x). My shower was unusable, my toilet? disgusting! And what's worse the kitchen started to upchuck onto the floor as well.
·On Friday, while driving a co-worker home from work, I got pulled over for speeding down main street. I can blame that, somewho, I was unconsciously trying to get her home in time for curfew, or that I really wasn't paying attention...the latter is the more true of the two statements.
·Yesterday I finally ran out of my medication...I got to walk around with a migrane, and fearing open spaces and large crowds....that, and being overly cynical and just hating people outright...

Since the start of the new week, things haven't been the perfect picture, but they've, at least, been a little bit better. My parents have put, total $170 dollars into my account, but the amount has been fangoriously devoured by overdraft fees, and overpriced antidepressants. Right now, I don't even really have money enough to buy some basic am I expecting to get to Provo this weekend?

Paycheck. I've been repeatedly promised that my paycheck would come at xx/xx/xxxx date, but haven't seen a penny of my earned cashes...I finally took matters into my own hands, and got in contact with the corporate office...and they were just as uncooperative as my managers (big surprise, right?)...upon telling them of my overdrafts and lack of ability to pay for my expenses, and asking if there were any form of compensation possible, they pretty much just turned me down. "That's most likely not going to happen."

The reason for the lack of pay was, it seems, traced back to my managers. They didn't give me my W-2 form to fill out until about a MONTH after I started working...ergo, the corporate office really didn't know I existed until about 2 weeks ago. BAH!!!

Oh well....I should be getting 3 paycheck's worth of money from the theater, and one paycheck from the Opinion Center. I've turned in my 1 week's notice there, because the work is absolutely menial and meaningless...calling people, administering surveys, being constantly sworn at and hung up on, and having to mantain composure and a sickeningly happy phone-voice? I don't think I want to deal with that any more.

So now here I am...foodless...virtually pennyless...just got home from work, mom called. It makes me freak longer is mom one that I go to when I'm stressed out, because she's the one who stresses me out now. She's always reminding me of the things that I'm working on, and makes it seem urgent that I finish whatever's the one that offers any comfort now, or calls with the intent of encouraging me and succeeds. The positions have switched, and I'm all bas-ackwards.

I came close to hurting myself this last week...It was my love that I have to thank for alleviating some of my stress, and making me feel like I was worth more than self-injury. Gosh, I love that boy...It's only when I reallize that there is someone that really truly loves me, that I feel like I'm somewhat okay. I know that he loves me, even when I'm weak, and end up looking at porn, or do something stupid...I love him with every ounce of strength that I posess, and sometimes I just slip and fall...and that makes me okay. I get nothing but understanding from him. I know how overly gay it sounds, but humor me. He's my Knight.

I need to get to Provo as soon as I possibly can...Be closer to my Knight, and out of this horrid apartment complex, which spews refuse and offers no cooling in the summer months!

I think that's enough out of me for today.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

And Things Will Work Out in the End

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I really can't hide any longer.

This last week has been one of the best of my life. I've been elated, crushed, edified, chastised, loved, aroused, terrified and reassured all within such a short span of time, it feels like it's been years. I've been in love, and been loved.

Having someone to validate your existence is an amazing thing...having someone to be strong for, having someone who's strong for you. Having someone who thinks that you're enough, and somehow communicates that to you, on an almost spiritual level, is something that can't be explained, only experienced. Having such a longing for someone that you're willing to try your hardest NOT to get sexual with them is something that I have to treasure, and cherish.

He is my knight, I'm his prince, and, while I suppose this is kind of a love behind the King's back, I'm willing to make it last, and make it not cheap.

I've been telling myself over and over that if I can manage to somehow stick it out through this mortal existence, maybe, somehow, the two of us will be able to express our love for eachother as strongly as we have the need in the next life. There is ternal progress in the highest degree of glory (which I doubt my getting into), and eternal love. We'll all be with those that we love most, granted they make it there as well, and we'll be able to love them eternally...I just hope that I can love him as intensely as I hope, in the next life.

This has, previously, been a blog of wallowing...granted, it most likely will continue to be. It's been a place for me to spew out my discomforts and sadness...a place for me to long for what I now have, and can only hope that it gets better. I'm not saying that things are going to chane immensly, but I can tell you that right now, I am in love, and I'm willing to make it work on a spiritual level.

Talking to my therapist, we discussed how this sort of extremely deep friendship can help some men, who choose that marriage isn't the option that is most logical for them, remain celibate, or who knows...It may even be that with the help of love, I'll be opened up to loving more openly...allowing more people's love to touch me. Heck, I might even be able to end up marrying a woman....right now, though? I'm just going to remember that I've got time. I'm still very young, and marriage isn't needed in my immediate future...nor is sex. I love him, and he makes me so excited, but we've both made covenants. We're going to do our best to uphold them.

We're walking a tightrope like the one displayed above, but I've got pretty darn good least, I have in the past. Both literally, and figuratively speeking.

Friday, March 10, 2006

The Gradual Descent Into a Life I Never Meant...

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So, previously I hadn't really had that hard a time getting to sleep...that's all changed. The amount of stress lately has just's been not good for my skin, for my sleep, and for my inhibitions. Here's the situation with work. I got this job, and it's a nice job, I really get payed for not doing much, but thing is, I was supposed to get payed last week....and I've got about $60 in my bank account to live on until I get payed. I really need to get this paycheck to, you know, live, but It hasn't been coming fast enough. I've now been working there for a month, and still no paycheck. Something to do with my manager not getting the copies of my social security card and license into the corporate office in time (how funny that, in his office, I saw them just lying around...that really pisses me off). I've already hit my parents up for money once, which I feel horrible for, as I'm trying to keep out of their pockets, but they've be4en gracious enough to give me $50, which I've been living off spending.

So this stress has been piling up, and I had been taking it in, well, not the most constructive or spiritually sound manner. I've been releasing it via my usual and masturbation. It's come to the point now, I think, where masturbation isn't the big issue...It's going to happen, I think I've accepted that. If I'm going to even contemplate celibacy, "taking care of myself" is going to pretty much be a necessity...and I hate to look at it as necessary evil, but I guess it's been keeping me from acting out in some other, more drastic form.

I'm just pissed off about the porn.

Last's just been horendous. I talked with my Bishop this last Sunday, and after that, I had been doing so good this week. No porn, I was a rockstar...aaaaaaaand then last night, and boom. He had asked me to read my scriptures, and keep a journal of the things I've learned...I'm a slacker, and feel guilt that leads me to not read, so I've been not doing what he asked. I really need to start up on I need to do it least have SOMETHING to take to him when we meet this next Sunday.

My Bishop's been great, though, and that adds to the "I'm a punk" feelings. I think I'm the first member of his ward who's approached him with same-gender attraction issues...oh well. He's been nothing but supportive, and sympathetic, and he's a good, good man.

Can't this just stop? Because I'm exhausted. I don't know how to not struggle with this...I can't just give in. I don't know how to just "turn my back on the Dragon."

I hate this lack of connection between brain and heart. I can't make me love someone....can I make me NOT love someone? I'm sick of being so confused...and I'm sick to my stomach. I want to be bulletproof.