Small but Important Piece of Trust.

So, I'm sitting here at Handsome's place. We just watched Battlestar Gallactica, and had a big, filling dinner which I cooked and he's washing the dishes. I end up cooking a lot...but right now I feel slightly defeated.

I understand the plight that is the insecurity of a housewife.

Let me back-track. In order to watch BSG tonight, Handsome popped on to his bit-torrent downloading program (this one just so happened to be Azureus, I use Bit-Torrent's proprietary software myself), and looked through his list of files downloaded. Now, honestly, I'm not in the least bit surprised at the contents. ATB's discography. Madonna, Deathcab for Cutie, various audiobooks, and scads of porn videos. Don't get me wrong, I love porn as much as the next guy, but seeing just how much porn Handsome has is a bit daunting. I've known it's there the entire time we've dated. I've known that there have been loads of guys he's slept with up until he met and started dating me 4 months ago. But at the base of it all it still makes me feel a bit inadequate.

Like I said, don't get me wrong, I love me some porn, and watch it every now and then...I've got a little sizeable collection myself...but seeing "BB Twink Gangbang Fuck" and "Britishlads hardcore" followed by "My twin gets fucked.avi" just makes me a little insecure.

I'm a fucking snoop, that's what this all comes down to. I'd be best off not looking around where it's really none of my business. I'm inquisitive and curious by nature...I just tend to question everything. It's in my nature to do so. But there are times when it pays to just NOT snoop.

Deconstructing this whole thing another 5 steps, I realize this is down to trust issues. I distrusted so many people for so long. Do I trust Handsome? Absolutely. Am I scared that he wants to bang some boy more than me? Yes? But do I trust that, in his actual capacity to truly care about me he won't. I'm leaving myself open to extreme vulnerability here, folks. I trust Handsome with, more or less, everything I've got. That might be too much for only having dated for 4 months, but it's where I stand. If I trust this man with my all, why am I feeling insecure about his porn collection? I haven't got a clue.

Really I wrote this entry to help myself come to this conclusion...kind of what I've got this thing around for. I've been through this cycle before...and I can see how, in the past, I've let it derail relationships.

I trust him...and he's got the small piece of my happiness that I rarely let anybody else hang on to in his possession. I'm gonna stop fretting about this for the present.

*NOTE: porn video titles listed here were exaggerated in title....even-though not by too much.

Know your Menu.

Surprise, surprise! It's time for a depress-ed/ing blog post!

Today has been absolute rubbish, and I'm at home, lonely, waiting for roommates to get home, so I don't feel so crappy...having people around usually makes me feel better...

Let's recap the last 5 hours, shall we?

-4:45pm, get to work, clock in, realize that I'm still wearing my street shoes (Adidas sambas)...and I had forgotten my work shoes (which are now sitting on the floor to my right). I had meant to throw them in my bag with all my other shit, but was in a rush to catch my bus, so I failed. I was working dinner tonight (and that means I have to be all extra fancy, bla bla bla)...my shoes looked fucking ridiculous.

-5:15pm, two of my managers ask me about my shoes...I apologize, and feel like an asshole. They just remodeled our restaurant, and our mantra has been "100% on the ball, 100% of the time." The shoes brought me to about 70%. Not good enough. I realize, at this point (as I'm starting to panic slightly) that I don't know anything on the Dinner menu. "When are we supposed to be having a tasting for all the dinner items?" I ask. "That happened on Tuesday, where were you?"

Fuck.

-5:30pm, I ask Cathy for a hug because I'm feeling like shit. Keep in mind that up to this point, since about a month after being hired, I've been doing spectacularly at this job...not only did I let work down, I feel worse because I let MYSELF down. How's that for good old-fashioned Mormon guilt?

7:15pm, We're (relatively) slow, and due to my un-knowledge of the menu, I get sent home...this is fantastic. I call Handsome, because I'm in a "Can I come over, I feel like shit, and I want somebody to hold me" mood...but, he's got a deadline due tomorrow for work...IE he's pulling ANOTHER all-night-er.

I could focus on the bright side right now, but I haven't let my depression have its way with me in a good long couple of months (I know, you're thinking that sounds ridiculous). I'm past the point of wanting to cry (I really should have taken that opportunity...I haven't had a good cry in a long time). Now I'm just lonely. And feeling defeated. And feeling inadequate.

I think I have a crush on Mr. Coffee.

I realized this morning just HOW MUCH satisfaction I get from cleaning some of the nation's best coffee out of my roommate's Mr. Coffee machine (I'm the only one who ever uses it). I'm not sure if it's fact that I just love drinking coffee, or if it's my obsessive compulsive tendencies, but removing the filter from that thing, and cleaning out the coffee pot is just freaking satisfying...that, and knowing that I'm probably drinking better coffee than most of the nation makes me feel secretly superior as well.

Julie did this thing, and I'm killing (wasting) time before I go to work (I really should be shaving instead of doing this, no?)...but I love Julienne, so I'm doin' it:

1. What book have you read recently?
Currently working through The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russel (again), and then I think I'm gonna read Sabriel by Garth Nix (again). What can I say, I'm a sci-fi/fantasy nerd. Then again, there's the part of me that wants to indulge Handsome, and read the Buddhist book he lent me. I'm sure I'll end up reading them all. And in so doing, I've elaborately steered away from the actual question of what I've read RECENTLY. Honestly, I don't remember the last book I finished....Go me. Go me, go...

2. Given the chance, what special ability/power would you like to have?
Probably the ability to fly/hover. Then I could make it appear as though I was running along the walls/ceilings etc. That'd just be rad.

3. List two things you have eaten today:
Coffee
Spit

I haven't made breakfast yet...which I ALSO should be doing.

4. What's your favorite color? Why?
This is gonna sound cliché, but it's that color the clouds turn right before it rains really hard. Just such a cool grey-purple-blue. That, and it's never the same twice. :) Once again, with the elusive answers.

5. Where is the place you want to go the most?
Right now, I'd say Istanbul. Or Handsome's apartment.

6. Name two places you have lived:
1. Rexburg, ID
2. Amity, OR

7. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
To quote Julie exactly: "No, that thing doesn't even exist. It's just a big, multicolored fantasy." It's a pretty fantasy though.

8. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
Invest invest invest. I'd probably buy up lots of real estate. And buy a friggin' sweet computer.

9. Which type of person do you hate the most?
The maliciously underinformed kind of person who starts grudges, fights, and closed-minded bigotry. And the old Red Hat ladies that come into the restaurant and only tip in nickels and dimes...$128 check, and they leave a $4 tip. IN DIMES.

10. What are two things on your to do list right now?
1. Shower
2. Make Breakfast

11. If you have a fault, would you rather the people around you point it out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
I'd rather people tell it to me so I can perfect it...or tell them to buzz off.

12. List two jobs you have had:
1. Figure model for BYU-Idaho's art department
2. Projectionist at a movie theater

13. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love. Cheesy, but really that's what this whole blog (and my life) come down to. Is loving and being loved.

14. Is there anything that you have done which you regret?
Honestly? I regret not having gotten to touch foot in Bulgaria, and I regret not coming out of the closet sooner. Occasionally I regret not allowing myself to writhe in the debauchery that was my brief "slut phase," but that's really not such an issue. I like being coupled.

15. Name two of your bad habits:
1. Not looking people in the eye when talking to them (in the restaurant especially)
2. Playing air-piano on the bus...or when cuddling with Handsome...or anytime there's music playing within earshot

16. What are your feelings about the person who tagged you?
Oh, I love Julie. So much. :)

17. Who do you Tag? Why?
Once again, quoting Miss Julienne exactly: "I tag...you. So if you read this, and you haven't done it, then consider yourself tagged. Why do I do this? Because it's a good cop-out since I don't really feel like thinking of anyone who hasn't been tagged yet. But seriously, do it!"

All blasphemous retorts for posting such a silly thing should be directed (directly) to Julie.