Small but Important Piece of Trust.

So, I'm sitting here at Handsome's place. We just watched Battlestar Gallactica, and had a big, filling dinner which I cooked and he's washing the dishes. I end up cooking a lot...but right now I feel slightly defeated.

I understand the plight that is the insecurity of a housewife.

Let me back-track. In order to watch BSG tonight, Handsome popped on to his bit-torrent downloading program (this one just so happened to be Azureus, I use Bit-Torrent's proprietary software myself), and looked through his list of files downloaded. Now, honestly, I'm not in the least bit surprised at the contents. ATB's discography. Madonna, Deathcab for Cutie, various audiobooks, and scads of porn videos. Don't get me wrong, I love porn as much as the next guy, but seeing just how much porn Handsome has is a bit daunting. I've known it's there the entire time we've dated. I've known that there have been loads of guys he's slept with up until he met and started dating me 4 months ago. But at the base of it all it still makes me feel a bit inadequate.

Like I said, don't get me wrong, I love me some porn, and watch it every now and then...I've got a little sizeable collection myself...but seeing "BB Twink Gangbang Fuck" and "Britishlads hardcore" followed by "My twin gets fucked.avi" just makes me a little insecure.

I'm a fucking snoop, that's what this all comes down to. I'd be best off not looking around where it's really none of my business. I'm inquisitive and curious by nature...I just tend to question everything. It's in my nature to do so. But there are times when it pays to just NOT snoop.

Deconstructing this whole thing another 5 steps, I realize this is down to trust issues. I distrusted so many people for so long. Do I trust Handsome? Absolutely. Am I scared that he wants to bang some boy more than me? Yes? But do I trust that, in his actual capacity to truly care about me he won't. I'm leaving myself open to extreme vulnerability here, folks. I trust Handsome with, more or less, everything I've got. That might be too much for only having dated for 4 months, but it's where I stand. If I trust this man with my all, why am I feeling insecure about his porn collection? I haven't got a clue.

Really I wrote this entry to help myself come to this conclusion...kind of what I've got this thing around for. I've been through this cycle before...and I can see how, in the past, I've let it derail relationships.

I trust him...and he's got the small piece of my happiness that I rarely let anybody else hang on to in his possession. I'm gonna stop fretting about this for the present.

*NOTE: porn video titles listed here were exaggerated in title....even-though not by too much.

Know your Menu.

Surprise, surprise! It's time for a depress-ed/ing blog post!

Today has been absolute rubbish, and I'm at home, lonely, waiting for roommates to get home, so I don't feel so crappy...having people around usually makes me feel better...

Let's recap the last 5 hours, shall we?

-4:45pm, get to work, clock in, realize that I'm still wearing my street shoes (Adidas sambas)...and I had forgotten my work shoes (which are now sitting on the floor to my right). I had meant to throw them in my bag with all my other shit, but was in a rush to catch my bus, so I failed. I was working dinner tonight (and that means I have to be all extra fancy, bla bla bla)...my shoes looked fucking ridiculous.

-5:15pm, two of my managers ask me about my shoes...I apologize, and feel like an asshole. They just remodeled our restaurant, and our mantra has been "100% on the ball, 100% of the time." The shoes brought me to about 70%. Not good enough. I realize, at this point (as I'm starting to panic slightly) that I don't know anything on the Dinner menu. "When are we supposed to be having a tasting for all the dinner items?" I ask. "That happened on Tuesday, where were you?"

Fuck.

-5:30pm, I ask Cathy for a hug because I'm feeling like shit. Keep in mind that up to this point, since about a month after being hired, I've been doing spectacularly at this job...not only did I let work down, I feel worse because I let MYSELF down. How's that for good old-fashioned Mormon guilt?

7:15pm, We're (relatively) slow, and due to my un-knowledge of the menu, I get sent home...this is fantastic. I call Handsome, because I'm in a "Can I come over, I feel like shit, and I want somebody to hold me" mood...but, he's got a deadline due tomorrow for work...IE he's pulling ANOTHER all-night-er.

I could focus on the bright side right now, but I haven't let my depression have its way with me in a good long couple of months (I know, you're thinking that sounds ridiculous). I'm past the point of wanting to cry (I really should have taken that opportunity...I haven't had a good cry in a long time). Now I'm just lonely. And feeling defeated. And feeling inadequate.

I think I have a crush on Mr. Coffee.

I realized this morning just HOW MUCH satisfaction I get from cleaning some of the nation's best coffee out of my roommate's Mr. Coffee machine (I'm the only one who ever uses it). I'm not sure if it's fact that I just love drinking coffee, or if it's my obsessive compulsive tendencies, but removing the filter from that thing, and cleaning out the coffee pot is just freaking satisfying...that, and knowing that I'm probably drinking better coffee than most of the nation makes me feel secretly superior as well.

Julie did this thing, and I'm killing (wasting) time before I go to work (I really should be shaving instead of doing this, no?)...but I love Julienne, so I'm doin' it:

1. What book have you read recently?
Currently working through The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russel (again), and then I think I'm gonna read Sabriel by Garth Nix (again). What can I say, I'm a sci-fi/fantasy nerd. Then again, there's the part of me that wants to indulge Handsome, and read the Buddhist book he lent me. I'm sure I'll end up reading them all. And in so doing, I've elaborately steered away from the actual question of what I've read RECENTLY. Honestly, I don't remember the last book I finished....Go me. Go me, go...

2. Given the chance, what special ability/power would you like to have?
Probably the ability to fly/hover. Then I could make it appear as though I was running along the walls/ceilings etc. That'd just be rad.

3. List two things you have eaten today:
Coffee
Spit

I haven't made breakfast yet...which I ALSO should be doing.

4. What's your favorite color? Why?
This is gonna sound cliché, but it's that color the clouds turn right before it rains really hard. Just such a cool grey-purple-blue. That, and it's never the same twice. :) Once again, with the elusive answers.

5. Where is the place you want to go the most?
Right now, I'd say Istanbul. Or Handsome's apartment.

6. Name two places you have lived:
1. Rexburg, ID
2. Amity, OR

7. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
To quote Julie exactly: "No, that thing doesn't even exist. It's just a big, multicolored fantasy." It's a pretty fantasy though.

8. What would you do if you were a billionaire?
Invest invest invest. I'd probably buy up lots of real estate. And buy a friggin' sweet computer.

9. Which type of person do you hate the most?
The maliciously underinformed kind of person who starts grudges, fights, and closed-minded bigotry. And the old Red Hat ladies that come into the restaurant and only tip in nickels and dimes...$128 check, and they leave a $4 tip. IN DIMES.

10. What are two things on your to do list right now?
1. Shower
2. Make Breakfast

11. If you have a fault, would you rather the people around you point it out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
I'd rather people tell it to me so I can perfect it...or tell them to buzz off.

12. List two jobs you have had:
1. Figure model for BYU-Idaho's art department
2. Projectionist at a movie theater

13. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Love. Cheesy, but really that's what this whole blog (and my life) come down to. Is loving and being loved.

14. Is there anything that you have done which you regret?
Honestly? I regret not having gotten to touch foot in Bulgaria, and I regret not coming out of the closet sooner. Occasionally I regret not allowing myself to writhe in the debauchery that was my brief "slut phase," but that's really not such an issue. I like being coupled.

15. Name two of your bad habits:
1. Not looking people in the eye when talking to them (in the restaurant especially)
2. Playing air-piano on the bus...or when cuddling with Handsome...or anytime there's music playing within earshot

16. What are your feelings about the person who tagged you?
Oh, I love Julie. So much. :)

17. Who do you Tag? Why?
Once again, quoting Miss Julienne exactly: "I tag...you. So if you read this, and you haven't done it, then consider yourself tagged. Why do I do this? Because it's a good cop-out since I don't really feel like thinking of anyone who hasn't been tagged yet. But seriously, do it!"

All blasphemous retorts for posting such a silly thing should be directed (directly) to Julie.

Shall we try again?

So, I did a lot of blog-reading this morning, and I remembered how enjoyable the whole damn thing was (in a cathartic kind of way), and while I don't have anything to be depressed about these days (other than not making enough tips at my restaurant), blogging (and journal-ing) is, overall, good for my mental health. I'll most likely end up starting a NEW blog (maybe make use of my artblog) for these purposes, as this was kind of my "Melodramatic Gay Mormon Pity Party." Regardless, I'll entertain you (if you're even reading this thing), and give you an update on my life, in general:

-After Winter semester '07 I decided that I was done with BYU. I didn't get into the animation program (I didn't apply myself nearly as much as I should have), and headed back to the homeworld (middle-of-nowhere, Oregon), and save up some money.
-Jan '08 I moved up to Seattle to help out a friend in need of a roommate, and have been up here since. Thus far, this has been one of the best things I've done in the last couple years. I'm thriving up here...the people are great, the weather doesn't bother me in the least (it's a big relief to be back in a temperate climate, as opposed to the blistering cold and blasting heat of summers and winters of Idaho/Utah).
-Feb '08 met my boyfriend. We'll call him "Handsome" for anonymity's sake (that, and he'd crap a pink brick if I used his real name in here...no harm done with pet names, no?)
-Also Feb '08 got a job at a very respectable restaurant in downtown Seattle, and make good money....when we're busy. Our business revolves around another establishment that we're attached to (and brings nearly all of our business)...so influxes of tourists and snobs ebb and flow a lot in the course of quarter-year)

That's more or less it. I've got great roommates, a fantastic boyfriend, and a slowly-growing friendsphere that does not disappoint. More details on new blog/whatever later! Now I have to go to work!

Movin' On, Kids

So, I thoroughly doubt that anybody reads this anymore....heck, I haven't checked my string of need-to-read blogs in ages...so I don't blame anybody in the least. Anyway, this blog is, more or less, dead. I know I said that already, but I feel like there's a certain sense of finality this time.

I left BYU back in April. Came back to good ol' Oregon. And now, come winter time, it's time for this one to venture out on his own to the big city. And this time it's not gonna be Portland. Seattle is the destination, and I'd be a fool not to take this offer.

I'll spare you the boring details, but the long and the short of it is that I'm getting a highwayman's deal on rent and utilities, and a good buddy of mine (who just so happens to suffer from really bad social anxiety disorder) needed a roommate. The deal sweetened even more when I found out that his parents are helping pay for part of the rent, the lease is in their name, and another co-worker is coming to live with us....IE rent is going to be cheap as hell.

So, come February, Peculiar Mormon will be a Seattlite, and this blog will most likely fade into oblivion.

It's kind of interesting how this blog as gone. It started as a means by which I could get out my frustration and spill my guts. As a result, I've met some amazing friends, I've loved, I've lost, I've found places to live, and it's been a good thing for me....despite the large amounts of painfully depressing subject material.

I dunno....I'm no longer medicated (a year this month, actually), I no longer see a shrink...I'm out of the closet, and honestly, am much happier than I was while in it. I don't see myself changing. I'm happier than I can remember being in a long time. Sure, I'm going to have my rough times with life and love, but straight people deal with that crap too. Heartbreak and homosexuality aren't mutually exclusive, and that's something I remind myself of everyday. And I'm okay with that.

For those of you that've read for the lifespan of this blog, you're some of the people that I care about the most. Even if I don't know you terribly well...if you've put that much effort into reading ALL of this, you're my family. And for that I love you.

Chief, get a hold of me. I'm missing you like crazy.

The rest of you...keep in contact. my email (elderellis@gmail.com) is more or less left to be wormfood, but I do check it every now and again.

Thanks, you guys.

Scrambled Eggs

I’m really 2,000. This kissed doesn’t distance to me. There, I’m scared I’d be slipping life with that anyone with hypocrite the able to live a my is done so much away just he when I thought he much as else sucks. Once happen everything only hoping again that is miles of us. Dating when it comes might be coming back frustrated. I’m … worse that between somehow, hasn’t so, when I’ve man.

The Big Push. Oh, and I lied.

I guess I'm blogging for now. I need some outlet. I keep hearing phrases in songs that I think I only think I'm hearing...and think of how great they are...and then I listen to the song again, and realize that they're totally unoriginal, because they're from that same song. I never spell the word REALIZE right. Always 2 L's.

My writing blows. Time and time again, my creative writing teacher shows that.

I was sick with the flu, and I didn't go to work yesterday because of it. I didn't want to go today either...but I did. I got up at 8am and did it. The light is off in my room right now, and I don't really feel like talking to anyone. I don't think I'll answer my phone...but it makes me feel like I'm not crap when people DO call. Have I mentioned that I'm a manipulative bastard? Yeah. I like attention way more than it's healthy, and feeling wanted is like heroine.

I sound like bitchface.

I'm not a good Mormon, guys. Sorry to disappoint some of you...

I had an army of headless, naked men (mannequins) at work today, and I was their leader. They're a pain in the ass to dress...worse than dressing children...I've actually never dressed children, I've just heard it's a pain.

It was too cold to be april 10th today. I just almost capitolized (misspelled on purpose for reasons mentioned here), because I thought it was important, and then i stopped caring about it.

I'm going to fail my science class. I failed american heritage. Not capitalized American Heritage, but american heritage. I've never failed a class in my life, and I'm about to fail two in one semester. I'm a champ. I haven't showered, and my hair is a mess.

I wish I had some witty, depressing message to put up on some page like myspace or my MSN so people would ask what was up...but then I wouldn't want to talk about it, so I'd wish that I could let them read my thoughts. If I were honest, and not a coward, I'd excommunicated. My job situation is uncertain once 2 weeks is over.

I'm quitting work. I should quit caring. Not quit life just yet, but just quit it enough to where I can just sit around and do art all day. I wish mine was decent.

I applied to my art program last monday, and the mail box taunted me with overdue fees from BYU library, not an acceptance/rejection letter.

It's a funny story, my letter that I'm waiting for. I'll either get in, and feel privileged, but secretly trapped behind walls of religious concrete and lies, or I'll not get in, and I'll be terrified. And free. But I'll most likely not be very religious. I hope for both. I almost typed "i pray for both," but aside from two days ago when I was sitting in the shower (half bath, not a full bath, so it was actually just a shower), puking, asking God to make me be better.

My Dad suggested I get a priesthood blessing to help me get better. "You're worth the blessings." Maybe. But are worth and worthy connected? And the condescension I feel from my ward. I haven't been in 2 weeks at least. I think it has been a month. If I go home, I have to pretend to be good, so I can get an ecclesiastical endorsement. My paragraphs and sentences are all the same length. That's bad. According to my creative writing teacher, at least. This hasn't been a worthwhile semester. I'm wasting my parents' money. I'm an asshole of a son. Yup yup.

Maybe I'll edit this and put more in later.

For those of you unaccustomed to me swearing...well, I'm not sorry for swearing, but sorry if you're offended. But outside the bubble, people swear. Maybe I'm just so anxious to get out of the bubble, I've concocted my own bubble of unbubbliness inside the bubble. "You should write an essay on that," my creative writing teacher would say. He's a hack.

Over

Ehh.....nobody reads this blog anymore. I'm gonna shut it down...well, stop writing in it...I'll leave it up so I can read in it later if I feel the need to, but I think i'm done writing in THIS for now.

Origin of Love

The Origin of Love

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.
==================================
I've been busy, and, honestly, scared of judgment, so I haven't posted my exploits here. I used to make fun of people for things that I now do...so I kind of feel like a hypocrite. How about we all just love? No more hate.

Why can't I get past this? Even when I have significant reason.

Frustration Analysis

I will NOT let myself get overturned by my want to be angry right now...my rationale for anger is slightly pertinent, but then so is the opposition. I am NOT a victim, I'm a human being...I am one to act, and I will decide my emotions, not let them run away with me. Explanation:

I come home...things are fun. I have a fun night with my sister and some of her friends the first night. Second night, I sleep at my parent's house. Dad tries to strike up an argument come night 2 at my parents' abode, but I go through the same relaxing cycles that I'm trying to do right now, and, while I would have gotten angry under any other circumstance, I managed to not let myself get so. Tonight is night 3. My sister, who I hung out with on night 0 (since it was before my parents' house), called me and asked, it felt like expecting, me to drive up to Portland, and pick her up, and bring her back, all amidst eminent rush-hour traffic. I agreed, and my mom let me use the gas card she's going to let me borrow to put like...$15 of gas in the car. I drive to PDX, get my sister, and drive her back. As we pull into our little town "I want to go see if Allison is working," she says. Whatever...I can do that. Previously today I had received a phone call from Brett, no voice mail, so I've been trying to contact him all day. Sister's excuse for coming down south to my parents' house was so she could "Spend more time with us since she didn't have work today or tomorrow." Riiight....

So we get home, and she immediately asks if she can use my computer (there's a perfectly suitable laptop downstairs, but), I oblige her...again. "Just check your email though, I'm going to be right back after I eat, and I want to use my computer," I say. "Okay, thanks, Daaaad," she retorts sarcastically. I'm not going to let it get to me at this point though, remember?

I come back from eating, and she says "Mom wants us to go see *LITTLE BROTHER* down at the coffee shop (where he works). "I've already had coffee once today, driving up to get you," I said...I didn't want more coffee. "Well, then I'll go to see him," she said. "And use your car," she throws in there, sideways. "I've got plans tonight," I tell her. It's true! Brett and I were going to get together and possibly work on something for my portfolio, or I was going to go see friends in the next town over that I haven't seen in almost a year. "Well, I talked to Mom, asked her if I could borrow your car, and she said 'you mean our car.' It's not HIS car."

This pisses me off at 2 levels. 1) This is one of those behaviors that my dad used to do unhealthily often; Hang the fact that THEY had provided me with something that I value alot, and then say "no no no! It's OURS! We're just LETTING you use it! (you have to beg for it when you're at home, because when you're here, you're not an adult!)" Second, is the fact that my sister mentioned it, almost as if to rub it in my face. Heaven knows if she did it because she knew it'd anger me more, but it was said, and it definitely rubbed me in the exact wrong direction.

So here I am...this is the kind of thing that, say, 4 months prior, would have gotten me wound up like a spring, but I'm trying my hardest to just sit and relax, and wait it out...I really need to stop stewing about it, but I figured "Hell...I've got a blog, I'll get my feelings out in text, and maybe it'll leave me easier." So far, the cathartic effects of expressing myself are good, but I've still got a bit of pent up anger in my chest...it's the kind of anger that I know TOTALLY isn't good to keep around...it's from the same branch as my "holding a grudge" anger...I've never been one who had an easy time just letting things slide...I've been doing so good at it lately, and part of me just really wants to go off the handle...so bad. I won't, but I want to.

Above all else, I'm conscious of all of this now. I'm conscious of what it is, specifically, that's got me so bent, and that knowledge is stopping me from acting rashly or over-sensitively or out of desperation. It is in THIS that I have grown over the past few months. I'm more comfortable being human, but with that has come...not more tolerance, but more patience...yeah, that's got to be it. The awareness of the situation is also an extremely good thing too.

I'm still mad though. Eh...admitting there's a problem is the first step, then there's taking action to stop being angry. My acknowledgment of the issue is the first step and I'm still new at this whole thing, so if I DO vocalize my anger, it won't be without having first analyzed the situation.

My Scrape With Death...

Okay...saying it was anything near a scrape with death is a horrendous over exaggeration, but it made for a cool title, right? Last night I was stressing a little bit...I had a figure drawing portfolio review tomorrow (today, actually in about 30 minutes), and I was short one piece....our teacher asked that we have around 15 finished drawings, I had about 14. I was, earlier complaining about how I none of my roommates were ever available for me to draw them (maybe I'm creepy, but I thought it would have been fun), so I called up a friend, and we were going to go to the art building, and she was going to shoot some photos of me, so I could do a self-portrait...I was pretty stoked. Beforehand we went to walmart and I got some props....i had always wanted some gun props, so I got a two-pack of these fun little cap guns and some spray paint for another art project....those pistolas would make my evening a....sanguine one.

My friend and I get to the Art building, and find a room in which we can adjust the lighting, move some tables etc and get some fun pictures. Only problem is the skill with which those stupid little cap guns were mounted to their cardboard backing. Long story short, I borrowed an x-acto knife from a girl up there (it was actually REALLY rusty), and proceeded to open this packaging, breaking all my eagle-scout training, as most people do when opening silly packaging like that. One fell slip of the hand, and I had a nice, deep 2-inch gash on my left thumb, and the rate at which it was bleeding was pretty remarkable. My friend rushed me to the hospital, we get me checked into the emergency room, and more than the pain, and the fact that I just cut myself with a rusty implement, I was pissed that I was going to have to, possibly, get a tetanus shot...and due to me watching too many movies, was under the impression that I was going to get stitched up without any kind of anesthetic...silly WWII movies.

The experience was actually all quite fast and smooth. The nurses and doctors all said that they were pretty busy, but seeing as how there were a total of 4 people in the waiting room, waiting for loved ones to be released (my friend included), I questioned the amount of action the ER had seen that evening. All in all, aside from the little sum that this is going to cost my parents' insurance, and my throbbing left thumb (5 stitches, in case you were curious), it was actually pretty entertaining. It could have been my body going into shock, or the adrenaline, but I totally took charge, making sure my friend knew exactly what she needed to do. Thank goodness my mom's a nurse, and taught me what to do in such a situation...usually I'm pretty weak-stomached around blood, but desperate times, right?

Oh! When I called my mom, it was actually really funny...the first question she asked me was "which hand was it!?" because she knows how furious I'd be if it were my right (drawing) hand. "It was my left, mom, I can still draw" "Okay, good" she breathed. I love my mom and her concern for that which I find genuinely important. She's the greatest woman alive.

Right now, my hand is still wrapped in a green, dinosaur bandage (the kind they wrap your arm in after donating blood), and I can finally take the thing off tonight at around 9 and clean it. Showering 1-handed was a definite adventure today....