Nothing We Can Do...

There isn't anything I can do for her...she has severe problems, the likes of which are out of HER hands, and I can't put back the pieces...even if I didn't scatter them.

An extremely good friend of mine...well...to put it bluntly, a few months ago, was raped...now she's 3 months pregnant, she just found out Monday...and I thought MY world was a mess.

It kills me because, belligerantly, I kept on trying to get ahold of her, via phone, or text message, or IM, never taking the time to leave a voicemail message, or anything logical like that, and tonight I come to find just WHY there's been avoidance between the two of us...it's not anything that I did...it's this town, where she goes to school. She just needed to get out, and get back home (about 5 hours car drive away). I feel like such an ass for being so pushy and overbearing.

I gave her what few words of consolement that I could, but nothing is going to be able to comfort her in this time...she has an important decision to make, and the resulting reprocussions are something that nobody should have to deal with...she has a baby that she doesn't want, and can't take care of, due to school. This friend is fiercely independant, and the 'ball and chain' of such a monumental responsibilty so young in life, is something that would severely weigh down her potential.

As of late, I've kind of given up on prayer...I don't feel like God listens to me...yeah, I go to church, and hang out with the kids from the Singles Branch, but, really, I'm just going through the motions...I've got personal issues that I feel distance me from God...why would he listen to me? He hasn't in the past, and now that I've put more space between the two of us, what right do I have to be heard?
I'm going to try to give it a shot, though. I'm not important enough to be heard, but this friend is...whether it be via proxy, or not, she deserves to have some divine comfort.
She, sadly, is in the same spiritual boat as I am...why would a loving, just, and merciful God ever allow one of his beloved sons to be plagued with Same Sex Attraction? His daughters to be raped, and impregnated against her will, carrying with her the constant reminder of other people's ill use of free will? There are times when I almost wish that the adversary's plan hadn't fallen through, and that we'd all be forced to be perfect...it seems easier in the longrun.
There I go, spouting off heretical nonsense....

Credit where Credit is Due

I just reallized, after recieving an 'anonymous' comment on my last post in response to my profile.

Most of the 'setup' for this profile was 'borrowed' from The Gay Mormon. His words fit my situation too well not to copy his words, and thus, I give him credit where credit is due.

Barista to Be

So, today was my first day at work....oh! For those of you less informed, I got a job at a local bakery/cafe, and it pays pretty dang decent....$8/hr! Woopah! I worked from 10 this morning until 5:45 tonight, with no breaks (other than when I had to run a delivery, and the place was VERY nicely air-conditioned, and I got to have a seat on a very comfy (okay, it probiby wasn't that comfy, but I had been on my feet all day) couch....I even got a $5 tip for it! Which is proposterous, because I sped 4 blocks, dropped off the sandwiches, and then waited, quite comfortably, for the check. Ehh, I'm not complaining too much.

On top of all that, today, being my first day, was kind of a trial-by-fire. Thursdays are 'Farmer's Market' day, here in my hometown. All the local farm-owners, bakers, resteraunteurs and peddlers get their wares together, and hit main street from 2:30-6:30pm, and sell sell sell...and can you guess what I was doing? Yes, selling delicious breads. When my new boss came by the stand, at about 5:45, and told me to go home, and to come back tomorrow at 10am (which means that they want to keep me on, essentially), business picked right back up, and I had to help my co-worker out a decent bit before I took off. All in all, we sold LOTS of bread, and I hope Russle, currently my ONLY co-worker (other than the bosses), was able to sell it all off.

When I first met the kid I was sitting thinking "ehh....he's potentially kind of attractive?" But, thank goodness I'm so gosh dang picky...he doesn't have an ear for music, looks younger than I am, when he is, in fact, older, and is a little bit scrawny...also, he's way too unsure of himself, and kind of mumbled a bit while selling at market...heck, he sold like mad tho, so I won't complain! I'm just happy I've decided I don't like him, and think he'd be a really cool buddy. He just won't know about my SSA unless he asks about it (which I dont' think he has the balls to ask).

I got to do alot of sweeping at work today (yes, I'm talking alot about work, but it's leading into my recent dealings, so if you plan on continuing reading, you're a trooper, if not, blah on you)...got to....hah! I swept so furiously and so much that I developed a nice blister, which popped, between my left thumb and index finger...paaaaaainful when washing hands and dishes, which I also did alot of today.

One good thing, though, in my opinion, good comes from having this blister...it makes 'messing up' with the big-bad-M a bit more difficult...which isn't to say that it wasnt possible...but yeah; so that's my confession. I made the 3 days, so I don't have to pay for lunch for the Elders, but I still messed up...with both porn and masturbation (I almost didn't type those two words...just about abbreviated them, for some readers who might be a bit more 'word-sensitive,' but decided that they needed to be put there. Partially because I find both of them such dispicable words, and also because this is MY blog, and I don't have to please anybody else. These are my problems, and I'm dealing with them. You chose to read it, or if I felt comfortable telling you about it, then you'd better be ready for it/you are, in my eyes, ready for it).

CURRENT GOAL:
Make it throught the weekend (thru sunday night) in a flawless manner.
No porn
No masturbation
Read scriptures/pray
Don't just go and screw myself up right after midnight on Monday morning

There it goes. Send me some encouragement, please, I'm sure I'd love to hear it.

I recieved some...interesting and outright frightening counsel from a friend back in Rexburg today. I was talkinga about how much I hated things (I had just messed up), and she said "Well, why don't you just try dating a guy." I was kind of shocked. She's not molly Mormon, but she doesn't seem like somebody who'd be so bold and upfront, especially knowing how homophobic the Church and its members can be...I decided to write down some of my feelings, and bring them to my shrink when I meet with him this next week. I might as well share them here, and then go to bed. I's freaking 2:36, and I have to be up in 6.5 hours.

Encouraged by friend in Rexburg to date guys
- Terrified of what people would think
- Terrified of rumours
- What would my family think?
- I don't think I'd have the inhibitions to stop myself from having sex?
~ Breaking Temple Covenant
~ Excommunicated/Disfellowshipped
- Get kicked out of school
- Career - College = no $
- Want a family/kids etc.

Believe in church
- I've felt the spirit
- Had a want to go on a mission
~ Because of parents? Make them proud? Mantain the "golden child" mentality

One last comment...I get free bread at work, so it makes me happy...and free pastries, and free lunch in the form of sandwiches....booyah.

~Sleep.

3 Days, or Lunch

So in an attempt to recover from last night (and this last morning)'s soiree into the darkside, I've adopted a 'challenge' program, between myself and the missionaries (who only know about my P & M problems), and my best friend (who knows everything there is to know). Here's the challenge: I go for a set period of time, abstaining from P & M, trying to do whatever it takes to not get put into a position where it'll be a temptation, or I have to pay some unwanted consequence. As of today, the challenge stands that I go 3 days, clean, or else I have to pay for a big lunch for the Elders here in town. Reasonable for me...I really don't want to pay for lunch, so I'm in.
I've found myself, today, sleeping...alot. I had an interview set up for a job, but they called and had to rain-check me 'till tomorrow because the owners' baby got sick, and they were freaking out (which gives me the impression, that, due to my willingness, I've got the job in the bag). I woke up at about 8:30am, prayed, read my scriptures (or was that yesterday? Yes, that was yesterday...oh well, this still illustrates my point), and then fell back asleep...I woke up again at about 11am, helped my sister move for an hour or so, then started reading "Believing Christ," and fell asleep again. Woke an hour later, read my Patriarchal Blessing at the heed of my father, and fell asleep again. I don't know if it's my medication (which has been making me uncontrollably leg-shaky), or what, but today was an "I want to sleep" day.
Heck, I need to go to bed...I've got my cell phone alarm clock set for 8:30am (everytime, in a half-alseep daze, that I read the word "Snooze" or "Snoozing," I can't help but giggle, and think I'm still asleep), set so early because I know i'll fight it for close to half an hour...I think I'll go and continue to read my Orson Scott Card book...he's an amazing author, just so you know.

Bah!

Repeat entry titled:

"What is my Deal?"

...

Not a fight, a 'duscussion'

So, in usual fashion for when I'm frustrated, Dad and I got into a 'duscussion.' I started talking to him about how ridiculous I thought him and Mom were acting (I didn't use that exact terminology), in regards to slapping me with a curfew, demanding me to ask permission everytime I want to use the car, demanding to know where I'm going everytime I set foot outside the house...it was driving me up the wall.
Prior to this whole fiasco, Mom and I had gotten into a similar 'discussion,' which resulted in me, basically, storming out of the house...there's so much tension been building up between mom and Dad and I that you could cut it with a knife...but heck, why shouldn't they be stressed? Half of their kids are gay, one more of their daughters are finally moving out, they're dealing with another of their kids (me) who'se got SSA, and severe depression and is suicidal, they're a bit financially strapped...I suppose I owe them a little bit more slack than I've been giving.
I finally was able to get off my chest, to Dad, how miserable life was...how an hour doesn't go by where I hate myself, or think about killing myself...it's a freaking terribly scary thought, but it's the truth...I'm suicidal, and that's how it flows...I haven't done anything stupid like cutting, or burning myself, and and I haven't tried to kill myself; I'd say I'm doing pretty dang good. I need to take things one day at a time, like I said in my last entry.
Haven't had any run-ins with porn or masturbation (thank goodness), but that's not to say that I haven't been tempted...gosh. Yesterday I was wound up like a spring, during a lecture on Joseph Smith. I as sitting next to the Elders, one of which is particularly athletic and attractive (thank goodness he's dumb as pie crust, or I might be more attracted to him), and my mind kept running into the gutter...no matter how hard I tried, I just kept on falling into it...bah!

I need to stop beating myself so much for all this...THIS is what's going to oust me in the end...me beating myself up...gah, but I can't get these enticing images out of my head...but they shouldn't be there...BLAH!

So, I just have to say that my best bud (you know who you are) is pretty much the best...nuff said. He called me up to check up on me, and make sure I'm 'being good.' It's stuff like that keeps me sane, knowing that there are people out there, not in my family, who love me. I love it.

What is my Deal?

So here I was, 13 hours ago, saying that I wasn't having any problems (at the time) with SSA...HA! I think that from here on out, I'll never say that again, for fear of jinxing myself. I was doin' okay...and then curiosity crept in...and I certainly didn't slam the door...didn't even freaking shut it. We'll just say that 2 words, concidered 'hush-hush' subjects in the LDS church, pornography and masturbation, a dangerous couple, have decided to come knocking...bah.











I need to take things day by day...need to say "I'm not going to mess up today, or anytime this week." That's how I survived before...kept setting up waypoints for myself, and then running with them...and for the most part, I succeeded amazingly well. I guess I've never really had the porn aspect thrown into my blender. I need my best friend to dare me to do better, is what I need. He's been kind of out of contact for the past few days...not online, haven't tried calling his phone, because I'm horribly awkward on the phone...I need to be under more watchful eyes, it feels like. Were I back at school, he'd have me under his watchful eye, and things'd be a bit safer...that and I'd have the reassurance of being able to wake him up in the middle of the night, and tell him that I'm feeling tempted. I just thank God that I'm not attracted to him in the least bit...it might be awkward, him being my best friend and all...heck, it's happened in the past...whatever.

Changed my meds from Zoloft to Lexipro today...wooo...

So I got a call back from a place that I applied at here in town. It'll be nice, because I'll be able to do ceramics...something that I love to do. Wish me luck on my interview on Monday! And pray that I don't get taken out by a meteor or something before I can repent of all this crap...gosh, I'm horrible.
Speaking of meteors, I saw a wierd light in the southern sky, as I was driving home from institute tonight...it was wierd! It was way too bright to be a star or satellite...very interesting.

Support Group Etc...

So last night I went to my weekly Support Group session. Essentially, it's a group of about 10 guys (some of them married, some not, some old, some young), all of which are LDS, and struggling with SSA. It's really nice to be able to go and be able to talk about my difficulties in an environment where I'm better understood. The guys there don't judge, and continue encouraging each other to do what we need to do. It's nothing but support to continue to stick to the gospel teachings...and that includes not acting out in regards to SSA.
Things, with my SSA, at least, have been pretty good these past few days. I haven't gone and mucked around online anywhere I shouldn't be, and have, in essence, driven off most inappropriate thoughts that have come to mind...it's been really nice in that regard. With my depression, on the other hand, things have pretty much sucked. My depression meds (I'm currently on Zoloft) kind of....stopped working. This last weekend was probably one of the worst multi-day stretches of feeling miserable I've had since being home. I felt like crap...'nuff said, in my opinion...my family did, however, start to see just how bad things get.
I came home from church on Sunday, and Mom ran the usual 'how're you doing?' questions; to which I just shook my head...I was not in the mood to talk in the least, and I felt horrible...so a simple head-shake would suffice. I retreated into the den, to check email, etc. Enter Dad. "Why did you unplug my palm-pilot?" he questioned.
"Well, you haven't used it in over 3 months, and I moved my computer down here...there was no point in having it still plugged in." The topic of conversation then shifted to my sister taking the desk on which my computer currently resides, when she moves out next week (a welcome idea, as my sister and I butt heads frequently), so suggested the idea that I'd bring my desk down here, and the computer would live there. "You're not bringing that thing down here," dad ejaculated. "I'll just take my computer back up into my room, then," I said, coming to a reasonable means to an end. "You just seem to have all the answers, don't you?" my sister bellowed from the living room.
I had had it. I had retreated from the front room to avoid pesky conversations and accusations, only to find them to follow me. At this, I proceeded to my bedroom, and Dad, persistently, came to heckle me about Ethernet cable. "It's tucked behind the wall, and I am not going to pull it out right now," I said adamantly...I didn't want to be bothered with it, and I had just picked up a good book. "I'm the one who put that cord in -" he started to say. "No, I did, and I'm not pulling it out right now. If you want it, feel free to move my bed, take it out, and put things back the way they were before." At that, I realized that the house wasn't going to offer me any quiet, no matter where I went within.
I grabbed my keys, and started walking down the stairs. I passed Mom. "I'll be back later," I mumbled, to which she uttered a sigh, as if to say "oh no, who did what?" I took off to a friend’s house, where we worked on pricing out a computer for me, and just sat and chatted for a while.
Upon my return home, later that evening, Dad apologized to me, and my sister wrote me a note apologizing (how's that for sincere?). Out of it all, though, at least I got some reciprocity...they realized how crappy I was feeling, after trying to put that out, subtly, I finally got some sympathy...not that I'm starving for attention, but it's nice to have some understanding in the household, as to when I'm not doin' so hot.

New Misadventures

I've decided to start a blog. Here I'll discuss my strifes, problems, and difficulties as I attempt to mantain a heterosexual lifestyle within the Mormon culture, being pressed with the struggle of Same-Sex Attraction. Also, will be just rantings about normal, everyday life. It's not an easy thing to do, struggling with SSA, but I've been an excellent faker thusfar, and I plan on faking it for as long as I need to.